Seanbaby out-of-context

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If there was two gentlemen on the stage, and one said 'I'd like to do some improv.' and the other one said 'I'd like to tenderly kiss you with my mustache for several minutes.' I'd say Mustache Guy for sure, any day."

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[seanbabyoutofcontext]

Everyone likes to think they're hard to trick, but we still have magnetic therapy bracelets and Donald Trump and diet pills and books on female orgasms.

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A psychiatrist might say that I lack the courage to be vulnerable, or a doctor might say that I have some kind of testosterone problem brought on by a dangerously oversized penis, but I like to think I was using my toxic masculinity for a good cause.

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What I'm saying is Ip Man beat those men so one-sidedly that their DNA decided they must be pregnant woodpeckers.

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There's an absurd number of things happening in that scene. There are six different weapons being fought over by eight people, and two of them are chained together. The momentum swings back and forth 12 times, and it's always clear who's winning and why. But maybe the most impressive thing is how it's never ridiculous that a man with triple the muscle mass and twice the arms of his opponent is having a tough time. It's a perfect sequence from a perfect movie, and I'll defend that statement with a car door on the end of an intravenous chain.

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All I know is I've been researching porn games all week, so I have a lot of credit cards to cancel, hard drives to format, and newly discovered cactus fetishes to explore. Bye!

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The main flaw in the game's premise is that semen is like sushi, in that once it's been in the open air for too long, it's no longer sexy to eat.

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I've led an adventurous sex life, during which I've indulged the fetishes of many neurodivergent partners, but I can't even begin to wrap my head around finding this erotic. If a woman opened her mouth like a baby bird and asked me to go up on a roof and jerk off, I'd pull a gun and say, "You almost had me. You creatures may be able to look like us and sound like us, but you made one small mistake: You'll never fuck like us."

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What I'm saying is the tits squish and squirt, and they didn't have to do that.

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To put that into perspective, picture a beautiful woman washing your car. You sit inside as her shirt dampens into transparency. She coyly smiles. This isn't her first day with wet, luscious breasts; she knows their effect when they rub against your windshield. Now imagine there's a 50% chance of her expression changing to horror. She screams, "Get out! Zuluzinho is in your back seat!" Suddenly, aside from that one warning, your horny esophagus is crushed without warning. You are dead. Your adventure ends here. Sorry, I don't know how to make that into a graph.

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[seanbabyoutofcontext]

Look at it this way: Throwing stars are illegal right now, and ask me how many throwing stars I have. Or try with all those throwing stars in your neck, mouth, and dick.

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You might be wondering how a firearms guide for women is different than one for men. Well, ladies like to be romanced a little bit, so A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO FIREARMS opens with a lengthy intro set to smooth jazz. If it wasn't at the start of a gun VHS, I'd say the song was written for gentle penetration and nothing else. It sounds like a saxophone slowly pulling its panties off. When I tried to Shazam it, the app said, "Song unknown, but mmmm ... why, let's think of a name together while we fuck."

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Which brings me to the main issue I have with this video: It is Dungeons & Dragons for psychopaths. The one thing guns have going for them is that they're cool, and this video makes them seem lamer than a Wendy's Instagram post. Ralph looks like Mr. Spock if Star Trek was made in Kosovo as the dying act of starving potato farmers. He lumbers around pretending to foil ambushes in the soup aisle, seemingly unaware that we live in a world where that's an embarrassing thing to do. He makes carrying a gun look less cool than asking a new mother if you can milk her.

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Showing statistics to gun owners always works, and I just solved our national crisis. You're welcome. However, there are a few who can't be convinced -- those who treat guns like religion. Owning a firearm is the one self-evident truth in their lives, and all of reality is built out from there. The host of this DVD, Ralph Mroz, definitely feels that way, and here's how it works: Since you have a gun, you must need it. And since you need a gun, there must be enemy gunmen everywhere. And since there are enemy gunmen everywhere, you must be switched the fuck on at all times. There is a potential shooter in every car, a potential bomb in every stroller, easily seven cobras in every toilet. Only you can stop them. You're now in the proper mindset to safely go to the bagel shop.

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If you still support Trump, I'm sorry. Because you have fetal alcohol syndrome, and that's not your fault.