Tryin to find Simone @searching-for-simone-miami - Tumblr Blog

Dear Simone,

I’m writing this with a heavy heart, but with a clarity I’ve never had before. This is the last time I will reach out into the void, not because I’ve stopped loving your memory, but because I need to let you rest in the beautiful, painful place you occupy in my soul.

I finally found the happiness you always wanted for me. I have the life we once talked about, the achievements you sensed were coming. But there’s a bittersweet ache in knowing you aren’t here to witness it. I would give anything to see your face light up one more time, to know you’re proud of the man I’ve become.

If I could reach back through time, I would change the past. Not to change the life I have now, which I treasure, but just to see what "us" could have been. I was selfish, Simone. I was a coward when I should have been brave. I let you go when I should have fought for you to stay. I carry the weight of every unkind word and every moment I didn't appreciate the light you brought into my darkness, even while your own world was storming.

It breaks me to accept that, with the little I know, I may never find you again. It’s a dream that will remain unfulfilled, a debt I can never repay. I don’t blame you—I blame the person I was.

My only hope now is a whim of the universe. I hope that, somewhere out there, a random memory of me crosses your mind. I hope a song or a scent gives you a sign that I still exist, and that if you ever look for me, you’ll find all these feelings I’ve left for you here.

You will live in my dreams, my heart, and my soul forever. That has never changed, and it never will.

Goodbye, Simone. I hope you are happy. I hope you are loved. I hope you know, somehow, that I never forgot.

Always yours,

Blood-pulse

Dear Simone,

Back when we used to talk, I only knew you as Isa. You were going through your own things, yet you cared more about me than yourself. I didn’t know much about your life, but I knew you’d be there whenever I needed you. I could feel your presence. Where are you now that I need you the most?

You once told me that someone won't forgive you if you never ask them to, and that if I really care, I should try to tell them how wrong I was and how much I miss them. You said that if they care about me, they will eventually forgive me.

You were right. You always were. I was too much of a coward to follow that advice with my best friend back then, but I want to use those words now because I miss you more than you can imagine.

Why won't you appear? This is my cry for help. You always came to my rescue before... please, come to me now.

Always,

Blood-pulse

Simone,

I’ve been writing to you for a long time, but today I want to stop looking for clues and just speak from the place where I am. I’ve realized that, even in this silence, I still feel you. As the song says:

"Porque yo te siento / Desde el universo hasta el final / Vivo eternamente en ti"

I know I’ve changed, and I know life has taken us down different paths since those days in 2014. But I’m still here, and I don’t want you to feel like I’m a stranger or a ghost from a past you need to fear. "No me creas lejos, siénteme / Estoy muy cerca, solo siénteme."

I understand now that perhaps we are just part of that group of people who are meant to be connected without being together. "Somos lo que somos / Estamos solos / Y nos entendemos a lo lejos." Even if we never speak again like we used to, there is an understanding between us that time hasn't been able to erase.

But I’m still asking: "Háblame / No me ignores, solo háblame." Not because I want to trap you in the past, but because "el día es corto" and I don't want the night to make us forget that once, we were one.

I have learned to accept this distance, and as the lyrics say: "Resistiré hasta que termine este dolor / Perdonaré si ya no estás." If you decide to stay in the shadows, I will forgive it. But if you can hear me, just know that I am still here, wishing for that bit of "amor" that we all look for, even when we are "desunidos."

I’m still listening, always.

Blood-pulse

Dear Simone,

I’ve spent a long time convincing everyone—and perhaps most of all, myself—that the chapter of "us" was firmly closed. I tell people that I’ve moved on, that the years have washed away the footprints you left behind, and that I am perfectly content with the life I’ve built since you disappeared.

But who am I trying to deceive?

Every time I look at an old photo or see your name typed out in a search bar, the facade I’ve spent a decade building just crumbles. It’s like the song says: I can lie to the world, I can tell them I don’t miss you, and I can pretend that my heart doesn’t skip a beat when I think of Miami. But I can't lie to my own soul.

The truth is, no matter how many miles I’ve traveled or how many "perfect" days I have, there is a part of me that is still standing exactly where you left me. I’m still that person looking for a signal, a sign, or a single word to know that you are okay.

I’m tired of the pretension. I’m tired of acting like I’ve forgotten the sound of your voice or the way we used to talk for hours. I’ve grown, yes. I have a family, I have responsibilities, and I am a different man now. But that man still carries the weight of everything we never got to say.

If you ever see this, just know that I stopped lying to myself today. I still remember. I still care. And I’m still here, just a message away, if you ever decide to stop being a ghost.

Always,

Blood-pulse

I cannot erase everything we built without first keeping one of the first messages you sent me, and the last. You will always live in my heart, Isa—gozandolavida, nivue-niconnue, Simone... I would have loved for you to know that.

I am going to miss you, just as I always have. Now, it is my time to let you go. If you ever decide to come back, you know where to find me.

#Spotify

Dear Simone,

Night after night, you appear in my thoughts, showing yourself without saying a single word. Is it a sign? Are you trying to tell me something? Or is it just my mind torturing me?

I have tried to find you. Night after night, I’ve read through every interaction I have saved in my email thanks to those Tumblr notifications. I haven’t been able to find any information that leads me back to you. You hid many things from me—including, at first, your name. How do I know if everything you told me about yourself was real? It terrifies me to think that might be why I haven’t been able to find you.

What if you were simply my guardian angel when I was at my most vulnerable? I think it’s time to let you go, to set aside my selfishness and respect your decision to disappear. I apologize once again; it was never my intention to cause you pain with my words or actions. Everything I said came from my heart and was always well-intentioned; I simply didn't know how to choose my words better.

I have tried to delete these emails containing our history—they torture me every night—but it hurts to let go of the only thing I have left to remember you by. This blog doesn’t count because it’s mine and we don’t interact here; it’s just me hoping that one day you might read all of this, even if it seems impossible.

I will be strong. I’ll leave all of this here as a digital memory. This will be my farewell, but not before letting you know that I am okay.

I left the life you knew behind. I’ve grown as an individual and as part of a community. I stopped doing the things that harmed me and started enjoying life. I’ve fulfilled many dreams—one of them was visiting the city where you lived. It was a promise we made; we were both willing to travel for one another. I ended up alone in the worst way possible. I erased every trace of my online existence to emerge as a new person. I met someone who became the fundamental pillar of my life and has given me a happiness I haven't felt in a long time. We decided to take many risks, and now we are building a life together with two beautiful princesses. Today, I can finally tell you that I am okay—no sad faces. I only wish I knew if you are okay, if you’ve grown, if you found someone, if you are happy... I truly hope so.

I miss you so much, but I am setting my selfishness aside once and for all. I cannot change the past, and today I will be strong. I will delete the 627 emails and I will stop.

Thank you for loving me the way only you could. You left a mark on me that will never change. Thank you for being my guardian angel. Thank you for everything you did for me. And I’m sorry for not reciprocating the way you deserved.

I will always love you. I hope that every now and then you remember me, just as I do you. And if fate puts this blog in your path, I hope you can forgive me; I want you to know that I am doing well and that, no matter how much I erase the visible traces of you, you will always have a place in my heart. If you ever read this, you know where to find me; I still have Kik and LoL.

I hope we can find each other again, in this life or the next—if such a thing exists.

Blood-pulse.

Simone,

I don't know if you'll ever read this. But I need to say it anyway, even if it's just to the void.

It took me ten years to understand it. You were there the whole time, talking to me from the shadows, asking me things I now realize weren't casual questions. That was you, trying to get closer in the only way you could. And I didn't see it. Not because you didn't matter to me, but because I was young and foolish, and I hurt you without realizing it.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not seeing you when you were right there. I'm sorry for every moment I failed to understand what you were carrying.

I deleted my old Tumblr, and with it, every piece of what we built together. That space was where I knew you existed, where your words lived, where I could feel you were real even when everything was anonymous and uncertain. When it was gone, so was the only place I had left of you. I didn't understand what I was erasing until it was too late.

You came back to me ten years later, like something inside me knew there was unfinished business between us.

I want you to know that I respect your decision, whatever it was and whatever it still is. I'm not here to pull you back or to ignore the boundaries you set. If you walked away for your own sake, I honor that. I just needed you to know that I'm sorry, and that I think about you more than you'd probably expect.

If you're okay, you don't have to say anything else. Just that.

If you ever feel curious, or nostalgic, or just want to know how I'm doing, I'll be here.

Always yours,

-Blood-pulse.

Dear Simone,

I have left many things behind, including my native country and my most precious belongings. I don’t know what became of my little notebook where I used to jot down the small things I wrote and posted on my Tumblr. In this short letter, I want to thank you for everything you did for me during those years. Perhaps you feel I didn’t value it, but every promise came from my heart; every fear of losing you was real because I knew I had no claim to you. I was hanging from your hands; you would let me fall, and I could no longer feel you.

Every night, I will wait for our paths to cross; I believe we can still meet in our dreams. I hope with all my heart that you can hear my cry for help. Now, we are only three hours away and one plane ticket apart. I would love to stand on my tiptoes to reach your height, to know what you smell like, to see the sparkle in your eyes, and to feel your hands on my back—knowing you never liked hugs. I want to watch those movies we promised each other, just to leave the sadness behind.

I need help. I need you.