I’ve been going through my email inbox between the years 2014 and 2016, looking for any detail that might help me find you. You were always so private about everything surrounding you. You never gave names—not even your own, at first. I respect your privacy, but God, how I wish I could travel back in time to change so many things, to know more about you, and to understand how you were feeling.
There was one message where you were clear about your feelings; you loved me, but you immediately clarified it was a friendship. I think that influenced things, but it doesn’t justify my actions—I could have been more empathetic and worked harder on our relationship. I have some of your family details; I won’t expose anything, but perhaps they will help me find you. The problem is that I don’t have a single name or an exact area to search. Reverse image searches aren't helping either; I can’t find anything about you. It terrifies me, it gives me anxiety—I just need to know if you are okay.
I haven't stopped thinking about you, but this year you’ve been appearing in my memories more often. I’m scared, Hon. I’m scared that it’s my instinct trying to warn me that something is wrong. We promised to take care of each other and support one another—to never abandon each other. I understand that you were hurting and I understand why you walked away for your own sake. I respect that, but I need to know that my instinct is wrong and that you are fine.
My instinct didn’t fail me when they detected my mother’s tumor; you know we have a bit of "witch" in us. I firmly believe that if I keep thinking of you with more intent and more strength, the universe will give you a sign. That, for a fleeting moment, my memory will appear to you. In your dreams, during your daily chores, when you feel nostalgic... I want to believe the universe will tell you to look for me and find everything I’ve been doing to hear from you, even if it’s just to reaffirm your decision.
I will continue to respect whatever you decide as long as I know you are okay. But please, don’t lie to me—tell me you are alright and that my instinct can be wrong sometimes too. You might not find me as blood-pulse, but you can find me on Kik under the name I’ve always used; I haven’t changed it since you disappeared. I also left you a message on your League of Legends account, "Isalee". You can find me whenever and however you want; I just need to pass through your mind for a fleeting second so you can receive my intentions.
I’ll be waiting for you, now and always.
