December 24, 2018 4:07 am
I'm writing this to say – let me go.
I don’t owe you an explanation, but I feel I have to speak my mind.
Unlike you I'm not afraid to say what I think or want. I don't like leaving lines blurry. In fact, I despise blurry lines. And being honest is not weak, it’s being strong.
I loved you. I wish I was embarrassed to say that out loud but I'm not.
But you see you took a part of my heart. You toyed with it, knowingly. Knowing I loved you, knowing I was too young; knowing I didn't know better you had me there for your selfish sake.
While I was grieving or waiting for you were out fucking your ex or other girls you met on tinder, but you always came back to the emotional shelter I had built for you.
For a while that was enough for me, knowing you would be back.
But then you started taking more pieces of me, and I pretended that was okay. I pretended I wasn't hurting, there was a constant battle going inside of me.
Endless nights I cried because I was undeserving of your love, or so I thought. Now I see it was (maybe God) protecting me from the pitfall you had created.
I gave you my time, my kindness, my understanding, my nights, my thoughts. I gave you my tears, and I brought you laughs. I pulled you up when you wanted to lay low. Sometimes I let you walk all over me because you needed to feel better about yourself. I gave you me, without limitations and without asking much for return. And I did it unselfishly; I did it because I loved you.
You needed me, so I was there.
I left my abusive mother ergo my family, I had to figure out what to do with my life, I was dealing with my rape depression, and with my grandfather's death, the most important person in my life.
You texted me saying you were in a happy relationship after you had told me about 3 weeks before you weren't looking for a relationship. The key word though was me. You weren't looking for a relationship with me. And that's okay.
Then I told you I had cancer and you told me (I quote) "to be strong".
It was too much, I know. My life was chaos and it wasn’t your burden to bear.
But you see, some people stayed. Pablo had met me the day before I knew I had cancer and I gave him the heads up so he could go, no hard feelings - and he stayed. He texted every day, called every day, dated me. And even though I was a physical mess because of all the hormones, he still called me beautiful. He stayed through my faintings, through all the needles, through all the fears, through all the bloating, through the unknown.
You were the person I wanted. And you were the first person who ditched.
I let you go. I wished you well, I honestly did, and I let you go.
I let you be happy. I let you pursue a fate, a life without me. And you did. You didn’t turn back until you needed me again.
So do right by me, just this once and let me go. You don’t deserve my time, or my love, or my kindness. If you care about me, let me go. I will be happy. Don’t you think I’ve lived through enough? Don’t you think I was too young to be played and used by you?
I worked for the happy ending, I woke up every day wanting to lay there and end it all. You know how I know I’m strong? Because I kept getting out of bed every day, in spite of the burden of my life on my shoulders with a smile on my face. I woke everyday wanting to make someone happy that day and being kind, and that’s how I got better.
You hurt me. You know that, I know that. And not only by your actions, but by your words too. You were cruel. You laughed when I told you I wanted a relationship. You laughed when I asked what I meant when you said you cared for me. You laughed. So no, I don’t want to see you, because I’ll remember your laugh, you mocking me when I was down.
You don’t get to come back and ruin this for me. You don’t get to come back after you spent days with your ex in SF and then text me you want to try us again. You don’t get to use me as the rebound girl. I am so much more than that. SO MUCH MORE.
I almost believed you. I almost believed you had changed. I almost believed you weren’t using me. I’ll rather feel stupid for an “almost” than sorry when you hurt me again.
You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to use me as your emotional rag. You just don’t get to use me. You get to do right by me for once in your life. You get to let me go.
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