{Private}
It doesn’t really feel like an accomplishment…Everyone keeps say that, but it’s even more difficult to actually listen. It’s been months since my last relapse, but I ruined it, Seb. I ruined it, and I feel fucking stupid. Sure, people make mistakes, but I’ve made this “mistake” far too many times. I don’t feel good. I don’t feel like me. I don’t think you should be proud of me at all. You should be more disappointed than anything. Whenever I close my eyes, I can still hear all those doctors calling me a failure, and I’m just so freaking scared that I’m going to fail again. No matter you say; you’re always going to be strong to me. I shouldn’t even be saying this, but I miss you. Not like wanting to be together…but, um, yeah…I miss you. I’ve already known him for three years, Bas, and, like I said, we’re not getting married anytime soon.
Exactly, it's been months. That's an accomplishment. You're being too hard on yourself. You're not going to get better overnight and I'm not going to lie to you, rehab may not work the first time. You may need to go back. But you need to keep trying, and that's what shows that you are strong. Maybe it will work the first time around you never know. But you have to try. That's where the accomplishment comes from. You're not a failure. You obviously need to find a better rehab center. Do lots of research. I kind of wish the place that I went to didn't just specialize in eating disorders. There was really only one good nurse, but one is better than none. You shouldn't see me as strong, I've relapsed a handful of times since I've returned. I've really just stopped caring. I've stopped caring about pretty much everything. It's only a matter of time before I get kicked out of here. I have no idea what I'll do when that happens, I should probably start thinking about it. Don't miss me, okay? Missing me will just make things harder when I have to leave. Whatever Jeff. Whatever.
