The Unexpected (Part 13; Revamp)
Here is the rest of the story if you’re interested enough to catch up! +
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No one ever fully understands what it’s like to lose someone until it actually happens to them. We all know it’s gut wrenching, heart breaking, completely bizarre but you don’t fully understand until it happens to you. I try to keep calm and somewhat positive every time someone close to me passes, because I always survive but in the moment, it never feels like I will.
“Hey,” Dan and Phil walk into the room standing side by side. Dan speaks with caution but support, “We want to know if you’re okay.”
I look at them, biting my lip trying to think of a response. I open my mouth, but no words come out. I look at the ground and shake my head.
“We don’t know if there is anyway to help,” Phil says, stepping closer and sitting next to me. Dan follows.
“I don’t know,” I mumble, “I just feel empty, hollow almost.”
“That’s understandable,” Dan says. Both guys stare at me, sorrowful and empathetic, “I’m really sorry this has happened.”
“I’m sorry I got you both involved,” I breathe, trying to form enough energy to say more than one sentence, “I say it all of the time and I know you guys hate it but.. things would be so much easier for you if I hadn’t gotten you involved.”
Dan puts his hand on my shoulder, I turn my head to look at him, “Just because it would be easier doesn’t mean we’d be happier. We like being around you and we like knowing you. Things have just gotten a little rough and we’re here to help you.”
I nod knowingly. I swallow before taking a glance at both Dan and Phil before standing, “I think I’m going to my apartment.”
“Are you sure?” Phil asks, knowing the emotional baggage seeing Jill’s things will have on me.
I nod and walk toward their door, “If it’s okay, can I come back later?”
Dan smiles, “We were expecting you to.”
I walk over to my apartment. When I walk in I immediately get hit by a wave of grief. Everything grows heavy and hard to bear. I look at the apartment. Everything has been untouched for days.
“I can’t believe I’m alone here,” I whisper to myself, “I can’t believe I’ll never come home to someone else ready to greet me.”
I finally get myself to walk into Jill’s room again, this time the darkness of the room swallows me. I stand, staring at every object in her room in a different light. I close my eyes trying to find the calm within the situation, but it doesn’t seem to be there. I move toward her bed, laying on it softly as to not ruin the way it was before. I stare at the ceiling, “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that it was you. I’m sorry they haven’t found the man who killed you. I’m sorry I can’t get myself to cry. I hope you don’t hate me for it... because I do.”
I breathe, realizing Jill may not even hear me at all, “I know this isn’t how things are meant to be. You are meant to be here, bringing light to anything and everything you touch. I don’t know, Jill. Every time we... I lose someone, it gets harder to feel the same sadness I felt with mom. I miss you, I do, but I don’t know. I’m not washed over with pain - just an unimaginable amount of emptiness.”
I bite my cheeks. I want to cry. I want to feel the pain and sorrow everyone else does but I don’t and I feel guilty. I close my eyes once more, “Am I the worst person? Should I feel as guilty as I do? Why can’t I cry? Why couldn’t we switch places?”
I hear a knock at the door. I take one more good look at Jill’s room before opening the door, to find Dan with the same empathetic face he’s had. I just look at him, waiting for him to speak. He does, “Can I ask you something?”
“I mean,” I shrug, “I guess so?”
Dan rubs his neck before opening his mouth and then closing it. He bites his lip and then looks past me, “Can I come in?”
I nod and take a step away from the door to let him in. He does so, sitting at a chair by the dining room table, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I sit at a chair in front of him, cocking my head I ask, “I’m sorry?”
Dan inhales deeply, noticeable uncomfortable or nervous, “Why didn’t you tell me you had... that your...”
He trails off, leaving me to fill in the spaces. I look around the room, trying to find something else to look at other than him, “I don’t know. I don’t really tell people. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t... I didn’t want you to perceive me as this young girl who has dead parents and a slightly older sibling to hold onto. Well, I did.”
Dan furrowed his brows, “That wouldn’t change how I would’ve perceived you.”
“You say that, but I doubt that’s how things would’ve ended up,” I purse my lips.
“I just want you to know that it’s fine to tell me those things. No matter what you say, it won’t change the way I look at you,” Dan says, looking into my eyes.
I nod slightly. Dan looks around the apartment, “Can I ask you another question?”
“Go for it,” I respond. I get myself to look at Dan which causes me to get this odd sense of comfort for a split second.
Dan looks at the ground, knowing his question might be harder to answer, “Why haven’t you cried?”
I suck in my cheeks as the hole in my chest and the hollowness in my stomach grows. My mind starts racing. I continue looking at him, answering with another question, “Should I feel as guilty as I do?”
Dan looks up enough to look at me, “What?”
“Experiencing a death in the family has become so routine. All three of them seem so close together I can’t get myself to feel the way I did when my mom passed. I don’t know. I’m upset and saddened but, it’s not a ground breaking as it used to be. Why is that? Why do I not feel the need to cry?” I wipe my face, the guilt eating me alive.
“Oh, wow,” Dan says simply, not certain how to respond, “Jill doesn’t want you to feel guilty. She doesn’t want you to feel like you have before. She wants you to be happy, which will still take work.”
“But doesn’t everyone cry? Doesn’t everyone feel like their world is ending?” I ask, “Why isn’t that happening to me?”
“I don’t know but whatever you’re feeling is valid, and you shouldn’t force yourself to feel another way,” Dan advised.
I nod, “I just feel like I shouldn’t move on as fast as I am.”
“Everyone varies,” Dan says, “And I’m sure Jill would prefer you to feel happy than sit in sorrow.”
“You’re right,” I say, “I don’t want to be in here for too much longer. Can we go somewhere?”
He smiles, “Sure.”
Dan, Phil, and I begin to walk around, and walk to a cafe nearby. The sun shines down on the three of us as we walk outside. Everywhere I look I’m reminded of Jill. Small things suddenly holding bigger memories. Once we get to the cafe and get our coffees and sit down Dan and Phil carry a small conversation between each other. I stare around the cafe, my focus scattering. I listen to Dan and Phil’s voices, not quite listening to what they’re saying. I can’t believe I know them.
“Y/n?” Phil looks at me, taking me out of my train of diluted thought.
“Sorry. I was a little distracted,” I say. I take my elbows off of the table, leaning back in the chair to make my self more focused.
“What were you thinking about?” Dan asked.
I laugh a little, “It’s stupid.”
“That makes me more curious,” Phil says, smiling.
“I still think everything is so bizarre. I don’t think I have ever been so grateful to know someone as I am with you two. Honestly, it’s hard for me to comprehend,” I say. Once again, my face gets red and my ears become warm.
Dan and Phil smile, “We are grateful for you too.”
Things grow peaceful and silent. It doesn’t feel right, to be so content in a world of such chaos. I still feel guilty, sad, and frustrated but... I also feel okay. Half of that is due to the company of Dan and Phil.