Unholy System

21 y/o he/him

[75screamingtoads]

Writing hyperpop style songs can feel so weird sometimes because these lyrics do NOT look good without the music in my head and funky vocal distortions

[75screamingtoads]

Sometimes I headcannon a character as a system when they don't have trauma and I hate when I hear endos jump on it like "well why is it okay when-"

ITS FICTION

THIS CHARACTER IS LITERALLY MADE IF DIFFERENT PEOPLES BODY PARTS

Or they're actually 2 different people who merge into one person

Or they exist in a fictional universe where it is a possibility that you could be plural without trauma

It's FICTION OMFG

Sometimes it's fun to fantasize about a world where I could still exist without having to go through horrific trauma as a child, that doesn't mean I think you can actually form a system without trauma Jesus fuck

[75screamingtoads]

I like to write songs and I usually don't actually ever finish lyrics enough to get them to "song point" but I actually got one done and recorded a VERY rough draft I'm decently proud of.

It's not perfect, it could be better, and I'm no singer, but I wanted to share it cuz I am proud of it and considering idk how to play most instruments I think would fit, this is probably as far as the song will ever get lol

I might fuck around and see if I can make my violin work with it but I had fun with this so far so

[75screamingtoads]

Wanted to fuck around and see if I could actually draw waterbending and I think I did a decent job honestly

[75screamingtoads]

"oh it's interesting Tweek is a co host now, I get we're stressed a lot but usually anxiety holders don't become co host- the political climate."

It's embarrassing enough to have south park as a source and I don't even feel source connected but fuck

You can take the kid out of South park 😞

[secretsideblogshhhh]

Another thing I feel like ppl don't talk about with NPD, is a lot of us at one point in childhood had this moment:

You're an actual child but the disorder has started to develop or has developed, and because of this you act a little too selfishly at some point

And some person (probably an adult) in your life decides to absolutely destroy your life, your ego, your willpower, and everything else you have because of it

And because you had like 1 or 2 (or maybe a thousand depending on your upbringing) like that, you're now terrified of ever coming across as selfish and thus end up starving yourself of the attention you need to not feel insane with this disorder

There's such this huge fucking guilt around being seen as narcissistic or selfish and 97% of it genuinely is just because ppl use narcissist as a way to describe their abusers or ppl they hate

But it does actually cause a form of self harm, and it sounds so stupid ik to hear "if I don't get attention I'm going to kill myself" but like

That's genuinely how it is for a lot of ppl with npd. It's not about the attention, a lot of us just genuinely don't have a real sense of self and don't feel like we exist if another person isn't observing (and loving) us, and if we don't get the proper supply of attention it very much can make symptoms a lot worse

And one of the main symptoms of NPD is actually self hatred, so many ppl don't believe that and no with with npd really wants to admit it but most of us hate ourselves so much, and that attention is a substitute for self love

I'm not saying "baby your narcissist"

But I am saying as someone with npd some of the experiences caused by ppl hating npd because of the stigma around it does genuinely just make it worse and cause more suffering to the ppl with the disorder and in turn the ppl around us

[75screamingtoads]

"vanilla" Monster fuckers just gotta date autistic people

[75screamingtoads]

I really wish there could be more horror about being disabled without abled ppl making it "being disabled/ disabled ppl are horror"

Because when horror is written in a way that makes the symptoms of disabilities the horror, it is exactly what it feels like

I am physically disabled and have DID, and both of those things affect me greatly. And while I don't consider either of them bad as a whole, I cannot deny that the symptoms of both have made me feel like I was living a horror movie

It is terrifying to wake up, and find it is days, weeks, months, sometimes years later than you thought it was. And then on top of that have people tell you you did things during that time, and talk to you about it like you're supposed to know. Sometimes people call you a different name, or get mad at you for being yourself because "you're acting so different than normal" when that's how you always act. And if you say anything about it at all, everyone treats you like you're absolutely insane

It's terrifying to look in the mirror and know that's how you've always looked but it feels like a stranger. To go to sleep wondering if you'll wake up tomorrow or next year. To have ppl in your head complaining about what you do, yelling at you for making "the wrong decision" or ridiculing you for small things. It's even terrifying to just hear "dude I already did that, you don't need to shower again" sometimes

And with the physical shit it's terrifying to wake up in pain so bad I can't move, to know that someday I won't be able to use my legs. Every day I can feel my own body decaying around me and it's horrific and awful and I hate it so much

Being disabled is often horrifying and terrifying, especially if you've been in a situation where you don't know you're disabled and are being punished for those symptoms. You genuinely feel like a character in a horror movie who's screaming that there's something wrong while everyone around you seems blissfully unsware

And the horror I've seen about being disabled, written by disabled people (and sometimes, but rarely, ppl very close to disabled ppl) it's incredible and captures that perfectly

But every time abled ppl get their hands on it, it turns into "actually this is really ableist, PEOPLE who are DIFFERENTLY ABLED shouldn't be portrayed like this" or "oh yeh no disabled {insert slur or derogatory term} are horrific, keep them out of public spaces" or "yeh ppl with {mental disability} should all just be locked up because this is what happened"

And it is infuriating

[75screamingtoads]

It's wild to me that at one point my mom "donated me to the church"

Because our church growing up had a program of "we will help you adopt/have a child and take care of a good amount of those expenses, so long as that child grows up and goes on mission trips equal to the money we spent"

And I had to go on like 3 mission trips because of it, but I had a friend who had 20 siblings by the time we graduated highschool

And her and her siblings were going on trips all the time, one of the older ones actually told me at one point she did more trips because it would take from her siblings debt (not how she worded it)

And I got lucky, and because I was 12 when I was going on the mission trips, I stayed in the same state and they were like, 2-3 day long trips

But same friend and her siblings went to Africa like regularly for mission trips and were just gone for months at a time

Like what the hell

What the fuck was that about

[75screamingtoads]

Weirdest part about T and finally feeling like me is getting refamiliar with my femininity

Because now that I actually pass more I feel a lot more free to mess around with gender expression stuff, not that I didn't before

But with it does come a very big "I look very different than I used to in this outfit" and "wow I really do look like a man in a dress now"

And it's not bad, it's uncomfortable because it's change to my body and my look, but it's not bad

It's just a really weird feeling, especially now that I'm starting to experience my emotions differently now too

[maidthings]

apparently he was shot right after being asked a question about "transgender mass shootings"

[egospect]

[naricarus]

I think every person who has a stigmatized disorder has the right to kill anybody who is “pro mental health” but who acts uncomfortable whenever anything besides autism and adhd gets brought up

[75screamingtoads]

Honestly, on top of everything, I can't wait to see what South park does this this

[75screamingtoads]

Dnd out here saving me from my art block I love this stupid cringe Tiefling <3

[75screamingtoads]

More DND art, this is a joke based on something that happened in our humblewood campaign

Nsfw

Any way Big Bust Gila Monsters in your area want YOU 🫵

[secretsideblogshhhh]

"You can't have npd, you're a good person"

I'm going to eat you alive shut the fuck up

[secretsideblogshhhh]

Something ppl won't talk about with npd is I want attention, I want it so badly, but the second I get it I feel nothing but guilt because I genuinely cannot tell when I've been "stealing" attention away from others or when it's an even amount of attention

So the second the focus is on me it's "oh great now everyone hates me because I'm being a narcissistic asshole and I have to shut up"

And it drives me insane because I want that attention I want the focus to be on me, but fuck the guilt. And also the "oh god I can't mess up one word or phrase or everyone's going to judge me and hate me"