Writings of a Self-destructive Creative

Writing random shit here. Whatever I write fluctuates with my brain fucking up on a different time of the day.

[self-destructive-artist]

What's in this Writing Hell Spot of mine

(subject to change)

I write a lot of negative stuff here because this was how I was raised and how the world treated me as something of less value. Trying to change me to be 'positive' and stuff just doesn't work and feels like a temporary feeling for me. So trying to keep on 'being positive in the face of the negative' feels so pointless and moot to me. I don't even know if what I write out is truely what I'm saying, or something that I parroted from other people and absorbed it because 'that's what's the correct and right way to do it and say in this world is'.

[self-destructive-artist]

Art should die. Anything creative out in the world should die actually. Long live boring and 'safe creations' that don't challenge anyone and cater to the more 'pure' demographic! Long live 'boring beige' and a colorless world! Long live shitty cute 'girl art' because THAT should be the only thing that gets attention and sells! Fuck boy art obviously, because boys are GROSS and can't be pretty-looking either! :) Shitty Ai Art is a blessing as it will guarentee those 'creatives will be forced to GO GET A REAL JOB in the REAL WORLD!' because art is obviously useless and not valuable.

[self-destructive-artist]

Fuck drawing for 'myself' I HAVE to cater to people I have no clue about!

People that actually draw or create shit for themselves that are on the 'cute' or 'popular' side get all the attention because it's literally catering to the 'common people' that like those very 'safe things.' Meanwhile if you create shit that you personally like that is dark and disturbing or will turn heads (ie putting a young boy in a skirt and make-up) or whatever, NO ONE will care or give a crap about it. If you create your own thing that you like, NO ONE will give a damn about it unless it's fanart so it's better to just draw fanart for the unneeded attention anyways because it's better then your original stuff! So basically, 'drawing what YOU LIKE and what YOU WANT' won't make you a 'pro-artist' or even get you ANYWHERE really. It's 'catering to an audience based on what THEY ENJOY AND LIKE more then yourself' is what makes or breaks an artist. And that's how it's suppose to work! Drawing and creating things you like personally is selfish and won't sell. You might as well just be a sell-out because it's more guarenteed to get you anywhere! :)

[self-destructive-artist]

Dear my failure self, You fucking said 'you wanted to be an artist' yet this body of yours was already a mess the moment it was born, and the moment you rolled the Roulette of Life and got stuck with a fucking verbally abusive mom who then became a widow, and became a single mom. There was a shit air of 'trying to make a happy household' but it was masked by that bitch of a mother who gaslight, compared you to your other siblings (and who also verbally abused THEM too and compared them to you), and expected YOU to shoulder her fucking broken mind. You tried to shoulder on, you fucking TRIED to make it look like 'nothing was wrong' but always your fucking stupid mind and body 'knew better' or they were literally too weak to handle any more abuse thrown your way. So you fucking crumbled weakly. Self-recovery? Ha! Such a JOKE! What a JOKE! Now look what the fuck happened to you... You didn't 'push through it' like all the normal people on TV said, you didn't even FIGHT aggressively to tell off those fuckers to please die and let me BE. No... Doing THAT only made people upset at you 'stating your defensive boundries' and rights. And they you had to fucking submit to MORE verbal abuse and manipulation just like that bitch did to you. Look at you NOW! A useless piece of NOBODY! A damaged piece of disabled goods that people everywhere already deem you the lowest in being useable and having any high worth. I hope you quit trying to self-heal and kill yourself. Being an artist is useless in this day and age. Trying to be one is not worth it. Trying to be an artist that makes stuff for themselves is considered 'low' but an artist that can cater to the 'masses' even if they don't like it 'is a pro.' You fucking don't have the latter at all. The latter is what a 'real artist should be' as everyone around you says. So, please kill yourself because obviously someone as broken as you doesn't care if you die anyways. And even if they did, they are just scared of death anyways. Sincerely, My shitty useless and failed self.

[self-destructive-artist]

If I draw a fan art of a character from a popular fandom only due to 'how popular it is and to just ride on the popularity trend to get any recognition,' but then I state in the comments 'I actually don't care for this character or the fandom really. I just wanted to draw it for shits anyways,' will people get pissed at me for saying that? Because you know what, fan art will always get more attention then an artist's original work even though that's what an actual 'creative's soul' is really. And as much as I want to draw original stuff, people just want to see you draw fan art only and nothing else. Even though you don't want to be known for that.

[self-destructive-artist]

Was considering doing this art event thing where apparently, you attack other artists by gifting art to them but due to seeing the drama surrounding it, disorganization from the people running it, and the confusing rules involved in it (as well as some hostility I felt from the userbase there when I just asked a simple question), I kind of got put off from joining it even though I made an account. I swear... Maybe this is a fucking sign that I'm literally not really meant to join some kind of 'art community' or even interact with any artists ever, given that I ALWAYS have people be very fucking hostile to me when I get the damn courage to ask a question or whatever. Or I find out about the worst of those people when I try to interact with them. That I'm more better off as an isolated and 'lonely' artist then trying to connect or whatever.

[self-destructive-artist]

It's seriously WAY more easier to list out what the fuck you hate about your artwork because at LEAST you can see the flaws and what shit needs to be improved/worked on later. Trying to figure out and say what 'you like about your own artwork' is hard as fuck because when you say that, people will just come down on you and list all the stuff they hate about it because liking your own work is considered snobby.

[hughjidiot]

Something I found on Twitter that really puts things in perspective as a creator.

[self-destructive-artist]

What's suppose to be the 'correct way' of being a creative and artist?? I was told 'You have to kill the things you love doing, and replace it with what sells and trends currently, even if you hate and don't like it because that's what a REAL 'pro(fesssional) creative' does! If you make stuff you like personally, go be a self-published indie creator [[told in a derogatory and insulting manner]]!' Because apparently, being a 'pro' is hating and not liking what you create for some general audience you have no clue about, is suppose to be the 'correct and right way' to do it. I do that, and it fucking in turn, killed my love of creating things I love and criticising them to have a value scale of 'this won't sell' and 'people won't care about this at all this is TRASH!' Then I end up not finishing completing it because it's going to get criticized anyways as 'trash' so why bother?

'Then draw and create things you personally love!' Is what the other people say! Yet, when I try to draw and present shit I personally like, it gets crickets or people don't care. Original works that I put so much energy and 'love' in won't get the same amount of attention if I draw a fan art of a character from an existing media, even if I put less details into that. Drawing and writing for myself, was something I enjoyed but when other people interfered and demanded I cater to their whims, I lost the only place of enjoyment I had for myself and now I have nothing for myself to enjoy creatively anymore.

[self-destructive-artist]

'If you do other things for people, it will make you happy too!' This feels like such bullshit to me because I did that, and it's a roulette of people NOT appreciating you did that without asking OR they just don't give a fuck. Then there are the people that are only happy to take your time away, and get extremely manipulative and gaslighty when you set your boundries, and despite telling them multiple times that you want to do your own things like rest and such. But we're suppose to get 'happiness' by killing ourselves and catering to other people's happiness despite that.