selfness become malignancy

indie / low activity / multi muse / penned by nev

[selfnss]

-- SELFNESS [ˈsɛlfnəs] - noun - a person's essential individuality / the state of being an individual person; individuality.

a study in : identity, taking charge of your own fate, masks, the importance of a name, legacies, what you leave behind, mortality, perseverance, found family

an indie / selective / low activity / multimuse blog featuring suehiro tetcho & sakunosuke oda from bungou stray dogs / penned by nev !! // carrd//

[selfnss]

it doesn't even have an icon yet but. @catclyssm

[selfnss]

// i think i need to either make this blog again from scratch or have a very deep clean (and beg ori to make new icons for my main muse) because i just keep getting overwhelmed the moment i open my dash and then i Do Not write despite the fact that i do!!! want!! to write!!!

[selfnss]

ah, it's his favourite time of day. the fight club closes for the night any minute now, meaning that sampo's favourite form of entertainment will soon find his way onto the streets and right into the conman's web. it's not so much the thrill of the chase that keeps him going anymore, though. luka is like a salve between sampo and the rest of the town, the rest of the planet he's found himself trapped situated on. and... well, who is he to complain when said salve also happens to posses the pair of lips that the emanator just can't get enough of, hm?

"oh lukaaaaa, is that you?" stalking the head of red hair a few yards ahead of him, sampo picks up the pace - only slowing when he draws level with the brawler and he can sling an arm over the shorter man's shoulders. "i've been waiting all day for you to make an appearance! did you think of me, too - my love?" // @serosanguine

[selfnss]

this is new.

in all of the tricks he's been subject to at the hands of the aeon that (somewhat unfortunately for the both of them, really) saved his life, sampo koski has never seen one so... well, convincing. he stares through the window of the dilapidated shop front he calls a home, stares through the glass and straight at a perfect mirror image of himself. head cants to the side, disbelieving smile curling onto his face as jade hues shine with something even he couldn't pin down if he tried.

slowly, as if approaching a cornered animal, the conman lifts a hand and shakes it in a small wave, vision never once wavering from the figure on the other side of the glass. this has to be a trick, right? emanator of aha or not, it's never stopped the fool from pulling distasteful tricks on its servant, after all. "helloooooo, you must be a paid performer or something, right?" // @dupliciti

[selfnss]

// uhhhh leave a like for a short starter from the snake man himself......

[selfnss]

in light of me having recently quit my job and being in the process of signing a new contract - i'm gonna be going without an income for the next week or so which... isn't ideal when i have a horse to feed and board... so! i've made a kofi which u can find over here and i've also put up my first ever (and probably only ever) commissions for simple headshots of your characters/muses somewhere on there too if that's something that anyone is interested in that

as always, thank u so so much to the people who have already sent me money in the past - i cannot put into words how grateful i am for all the support i've gotten from the little people inside my pc....

[mcflymemes]

"I'M SORRY, I JUST HAD TO FIND YOU" PROMPTS *  assorted dialogue for those desperate times when you just have to see them, no matter what anyone else says, adjust as necessary

i couldn't wait another minute apart from you.

did you expect me to just wait around for you to show up?

i did everything i could to find you.

i thought i did a pretty good job covering my tracks.

they helped me track you down.

i needed to see you.

they can't hurt us anymore.

i come all this way to see you, and this is the greeting i get?

i thought you'd be glad to see me.

it took me forever to find you.

how long have you been looking for me?

it's safer for the both of us if we stop seeing each other.

i thought i told you not to find me.

this was for your own good, you know. i leave, and you stay there, unharmed.

can we find somewhere private to talk?

they said if i left, they wouldn't hurt you.

been searching for you for months, believe it or not.

you weren't supposed to expect me.

this was going to be a surprise.

they can't stop me from seeing you.

would you please let me inside?

tell me where you are, or i'll figure it out myself.

i'm not going to let them prevent us from being together.

you and i... we have to be together. no matter what.

you sure don't make it easy to follow you.

i've been tracking you for miles.

so you're real. the legends are true.

you're pretty good at covering your tracks.

i started asking around, and they pointed me in the right direction.

i got your letter and came as fast as i could.

i can reach your window if i climb this tree.

give me a clue. anything. tell me where you're hiding.

think you could come around back and unlock the door for me?

hey. it's me. would you please let me in?

you're the one they speak about, the one that can fix things.

i know i'm not what you expected.

i couldn't wait another minute.

it's starting to rain. why don't you come inside for a minute?

lecture me later. for now, let's appreciate this time we have together.

i know this looks bad, but... i just had to see you.

they think they can stop me from seeing you.

i don't want to leave your side, not for a minute.

the path was treacherous, but the reward was worth every second.

i'd do anything to find you.

i wanted to find you and thank you for what you did for me.

you're taking a big risk by finding me.

you told me to look for you, and so i did.

is there a key to this door?

we're not supposed to be seen together.

i'm going to get you out of there. just hang on.

when i came looking for you, i didn't expect to find you like this.

they told me you had all the answers. they said you could fix things if i tracked you down.

i've been on your trail for weeks now.

it's safer if we're not seen together.

who told you where i was? was it [name]?

i didn't want you to find me like this.

why do you want to hide from me?

we're stronger if we're together.

[mcflymemes]

"I'M SORRY, I JUST HAD TO FIND YOU" PROMPTS *  assorted dialogue for those desperate times when you just have to see them, no matter what anyone else says, adjust as necessary

i couldn't wait another minute apart from you.

did you expect me to just wait around for you to show up?

i did everything i could to find you.

i thought i did a pretty good job covering my tracks.

they helped me track you down.

i needed to see you.

they can't hurt us anymore.

i come all this way to see you, and this is the greeting i get?

i thought you'd be glad to see me.

it took me forever to find you.

how long have you been looking for me?

it's safer for the both of us if we stop seeing each other.

i thought i told you not to find me.

this was for your own good, you know. i leave, and you stay there, unharmed.

can we find somewhere private to talk?

they said if i left, they wouldn't hurt you.

been searching for you for months, believe it or not.

you weren't supposed to expect me.

this was going to be a surprise.

they can't stop me from seeing you.

would you please let me inside?

tell me where you are, or i'll figure it out myself.

i'm not going to let them prevent us from being together.

you and i... we have to be together. no matter what.

you sure don't make it easy to follow you.

i've been tracking you for miles.

so you're real. the legends are true.

you're pretty good at covering your tracks.

i started asking around, and they pointed me in the right direction.

i got your letter and came as fast as i could.

i can reach your window if i climb this tree.

give me a clue. anything. tell me where you're hiding.

think you could come around back and unlock the door for me?

hey. it's me. would you please let me in?

you're the one they speak about, the one that can fix things.

i know i'm not what you expected.

i couldn't wait another minute.

it's starting to rain. why don't you come inside for a minute?

lecture me later. for now, let's appreciate this time we have together.

i know this looks bad, but... i just had to see you.

they think they can stop me from seeing you.

i don't want to leave your side, not for a minute.

the path was treacherous, but the reward was worth every second.

i'd do anything to find you.

i wanted to find you and thank you for what you did for me.

you're taking a big risk by finding me.

you told me to look for you, and so i did.

is there a key to this door?

we're not supposed to be seen together.

i'm going to get you out of there. just hang on.

when i came looking for you, i didn't expect to find you like this.

they told me you had all the answers. they said you could fix things if i tracked you down.

i've been on your trail for weeks now.

it's safer if we're not seen together.

who told you where i was? was it [name]?

i didn't want you to find me like this.

why do you want to hide from me?

we're stronger if we're together.

[vulpesly-archive]

The dragon's pleas, his obvious discomfort, these are signs that typically soften Jono's edges enough to be persuaded to change his course. Tonight, however, they are fuel on the fire of his temper. Every wretched soul he has had to speak with today has been difficult in every imaginable way, wearing down what little patience Jono possesses, furthering his long-harbored dislike of the general populace.

And now Tetcho chooses to defend them? These people who, like all the others, have looked down on him, sneered at him, ostracized him at every opportunity. An audible hiss of outrage is voiced by the Foxian. "There is nothing innocent about any of them! They're vile, wretched creatures who'd turn on you for the slightest favor. We're permitted to use any means necessary to get the information we require, so mind your business, Tetcho."

Around them, the air grows all the more frigid, a chill that could easily be attributed to the foxian's ice-based abilities, were it not for the fact Jono has not consciously called upon such tricks. It is nearly enough to distract him, a momentary pause as a vulpine ear is flicked, before he refocuses upon Tetcho. The surrounding temperature is not as important at present as the argument coming to a boil between the two Hunting Dogs, Jono's patience worn thin after a long day of duties and nuisances, now pushed to his limits by Tetcho choosing to confront him when rest is just within reach.

"Move, Tetcho, before I make you move." The demand is made with a hand resting upon the hilt of his saber, threat clear as Jono takes an advancing step toward his partner.

[selfnss]

the bite in his partner's words has the dragon shrinking back half a pace. his gaze downcast and lips parted as if to defend himself for a moment before all bite he might be able to muster is silenced at the sight of jono's hand against his sabre. the quiet determination in his voice before is lost in the face of the foxian's advance and tetcho can find no other path forward other than to dip his head and step to the side - wordlessly opening up the alleyway and pressing his back against the cool surface of the wall.

jono isn't completely wrong, though. these people would turn on tetcho at the drop of a hat - they would look him in the eye and demand penance of him for things he doesn't remember ever happening. they still blame him for things he wasn't alive to witness, things that happened hundreds of years ago by people tetcho suehiro never met. people who left behind a story of dishonour and betrayal. people tetcho knows he'd be sent after if they were alive now. amber gaze remains fixed on the paving stones underfoot as tetcho avoids looking back in jono's direction. he knows better than to try and argue back when the foxian takes that tone.

the dragon's breath turns to mist in the cold air surrounding the pair of them as the idea of falling into step behind his partner makes tetcho flinch. softly, then, does he speak up - still avoiding looking back up to jono and instead watching his boots. "i... i am going to walk a different way. please do not wait for me."

pausing only for a second to wait for some kind of response, tetcho dips his head in a half bow and turns off into a much smaller pathway, the bite of cold against his skin and through his robes is little more than an afterthought as the dragon threads a hand through tangled dark hair in his retreat. in his rush to leave, tetcho doesn't notice the air shift around jono. nor does he notice the soft, cool glow surrounding the figure stepping out to meet the foxian with a warm, familiar smile spreading across vidyadhara features as easily as breathing.

with racing thoughts and shallow breaths, suehiro tetcho doesn't hear the voice that travels in his wake. "saigiku. you look well."

[selfnss]

"i do not think that you needed to be so rough with him, jono-san." the dragon's words are blunt, his amber gaze fixed on his companion keeping pace next to him as the two of them make their way back towards their temporary lodgings whilst on the luofu. tetcho's head swims as his own clearly defined rules begin to blur through jono's words and actions through their last interrogation... well, their last victim - if jono had anything to say about it.

"it is not fair of you to treat people like that. i have said it before - we are here to gather information, not to terrorise the population of the luofu." despite himself, there's an air of caution in tetcho's voice and expression. who is he to lecture jono on how to do their jobs? isn't it tetcho's fault that they're even here in the first place? still, the memory of that poor merchant's expression lodges itself in his throat like a bone and the dragon finds he can't just stand idly by and allow the foxian to do exactly what he wants. "why can you not just ask the questions without threatening innocent people?"

if the hunting dog notices the dip in the temperature around them, he doesn't make it known as the pair of them turn another corner and their familiar path home is tuned out in order for tetcho to stop in his tracks and turn to face jono fully. the plea in his voice is pitched up a few degrees as draconic tail swishes behind him in a distressed movement. "i... please, jono - these people are innocent, we do not need to punish them for that." // @moonhund owo

[selfnss]

picks him up, raises him aaaaaaall the way up over his head, then lowers him back down to comfortably hold him bridal style. clearly pleased with himself, the brawler flashes a picture-perfect grin, waiting eagerly for his praise. // for sampo :333c

something spins circles in the merchant's gut as luka effortlessly scoops him up and raises him above his head. something else swims in sampo's vision as he's lowered back down and held against the brawler's chest and a grin is flashed down at him in the same moment. emerald gaze blinks upward blankly and - for once in his life - sampo koski finds himself speechless in the face of luka's, well, his face.

eventually, silvered tongue settles on a cloyingly sweet: "oh, luka... my knight in shining armour~" as a gloved hand lifts to trail the tips of his fingers across the brawler's jaw as he wills the fog in his mind to burn off and find something to say, something to do. the fact that luka is one of few people who can reduce the rogue to a blank stare and meaningful words isn't lost on koski. though, that doesn't mean he can't ignore it and try to carry on like business as usual.

softly, gently does sampo lean up and pull luka down closer to his lips as he whispers against the shell of his ear. "what other ways can you find to hold me, hm~?"

[vulpesly-archive]

“Good. I haven’t lost you entirely yet, then.” Jono means to deliver his reply in light tones, a meager attempt at levity to further distract Tetcho from his thoughts; however, there is a note of uncertainty as he speaks that hints at fear. Fear that this catastrophe will ruin Tetcho. Fear that his partner is slipping away like grains of sand through his fingers, with Jono useless to stop it. Tetcho has ever been the bedrock of their team, solid, unshakeable, and, most importantly, unbreakable. But it’s clear to Jono now that those were inhuman qualities to place on human shoulders, no matter how strong those shoulders might be. Jono may not have the specifics of what has taken place today but he doesn’t need the details to know Tetcho has been shaken to his core, experienced traumas that he cannot simply brush off before getting back to his feet.

Jono knows he has to do something before the cracks in Tetcho’s foundation spread beyond repair. The difficulty however, is... “--to be frank, I don’t know what I’m supposed to say or do in this situation.” Has he intended to admit as much out loud? Not really. But it is better than standing in silence, or offering empty consolations. With Tetcho at least, honesty comes almost naturally to Jono, even honesty that leaves a bitter taste in his mouth at having to confess his own shortcomings.

With a sigh, Jono lowers his head until it rests against Tetcho’s leg. “Forgive me. I do not know how to help you--or if there is even a way to help you.” Carefully, he reaches for his partner’s bloodied hands, feeling over gashes and burns with a gentle determination, heedless of his own pristine gloves becoming stained. If he had the means to draw the pain from those hands with a touch, oh he would in a heartbeat. “But regardless, you won’t face any of this alone. That at least I can promise you. We’re partners, are we not? When one of us falters, the other picks up the slack.”

[selfnss]

the honesty stings a little, against the scraped and battered skin of his hands and face that already ring with a pain usually alien to the hound yet today seems to be all he can feel - all he is aware of. that is, until jono leans his head against tetcho's thigh and hands take his own with a gentleness tetcho knows only comes from his partner. jono's touch smooths itself over his skin in a balm, tugging a trembling breath from the hound as he feels himself being drawn back down to earth slowly but surely.

"...we are. we are partners." the sight of the innocent people he's hurt still lingers in the back of tetcho's mind, punctuated by the sound of sirens in the distance as amber gaze refuses to shift from the sight of his own hands in jono's. then jono's promising him help in some way or another - support that tetcho knows no one else would offer him, even after knowing the true series of events that lead to the strongest of the hunting dogs bringing half a building down on civilian bystanders. people who did nothing wrong. innocent people were killed here today. you killed them. you killed innocent people, suehiro tetcho.

"i did not see them, saigiku. they... they were not supposed to be there. they were innocent... i hurt innocent people." vision lifts to lock with jono's expression in an attempt to read the way his partner's face shifts in light of this new development. years ago, tetcho wouldn't have cared how jono judged him. but now? now, it seems to be all that matters in this moment. it feels like the only thing that could either throw the hound over the edge or pull him back from the precipice intact. finally, as he bows his head in defeat, tetcho whispers his final confession to his partner. "i... could not even catch the target."

[vulpesly-archive]

Fukuzawa watches the executive cross into his office, tracking his movements, assessing the way in which he carries himself. The silver wolf will never have the same all-knowing observation skills of Ranpo but his eye is still keen to pick up on certain tells. Such as the dragging step of one who feels defeated, the hunched shoulders of someone who has been on guard for too long (most likely from himself and his own thoughts), the rusted rasp of a voice that likely hasn't spoken to another (living) soul in weeks.

This is not a murderer who has answered his summons. This is a man grieving just as deeply as Fukuzawa, back bowing beneath the weight of guilt and sorrow alike.

He motions for Chuuya to take a seat and then, after a moment's consideration, takes the other chair beside him. Were this a normal interview or meeting, Fukuzawa would not hesitate to sit in his own chair, positioned across from the his visitor. But this is a conversation he wishes to carry out on equal footing with Chuuya.

"There has been enough blood spilt already. No more." Not by his hands ever again. He'd sworn himself off his blade years ago, only to reach for it when conflict demanded he protect those he cared about. And yet, conflict only begets conflict; the more harm done--no matter the justification behind it--the more harm would come of it. Fukuzawa will not allow the cycle to continue, not after the sacrifice made by his dearest friend.

In the matter of loved ones and their final wishes, there is another that must be honored. "Dazai had a request he made before--" Fukuzawa inhales deeply, steadying himself before he reaches for a file laying upon his desk. Across the front Dazai's name is marked down, along with his employee photo, and its contents consist of his various cases, assessments, and more in his time with the Agency. But the most important paper within is in Dazai's own hand, "--a letter, in the event of his death. He asked that I offer you a place in the Agency."

[selfnss]

the office around them melts away to nothing. the breath in his chest disappears on him and nakahara chuuya is left sitting in a heavy emptiness that just won't let him move from the spot. he's not sure if it's disbelief or grief or just plain anger that roots him to the chair, unable to move to even reach out and take the letter written in his partner's hand. he isn't even sure he wants to see the thing any closer than it already is. it's not that it will make it any more real than it already is - chuuya's already spent a month hiding away from everyone and everything else in the world, already spent a month wallowing in the grief that just won't stop following him throughout his life. he can't even tell if it's the white hot rage he defaults to at the idea of dazai going behind his back and writing the stupid thing without even mentioning it to chuuya beforehand.

"he... he what?" the executive's voice is barely a whisper, hoarse and trembling in his throat. what is it, then? what is it that burns the backs of his eyes and tightens his throat?

it can't be that years old pain after oda died and chuuya watched his partner die before his eyes for the first time, can it? the skull splitting anger and pain and fear when he realised dazai osamu had abandoned him despite everything they'd been through together. the blinding rage that swallowed him whole in place of the agony that settled deep in his gut and weighed him down to that same spot on the coast they'd visit together. the same spot that now bares a simple, beautifully made headstone looking out over the sea. anger always was easier than pain. maybe that's why chuuya's teeth grit and his vision darkens as fukuzawa's words set his skin alight.

"this... this is jus' another one've his games. turn--turn the page over. it'll just say somethin' like he hopes he died in some double suicide with a beautiful lady or some shit--turn.. turn it over--" something shakes behind his words as chuuya scrambles to justify this new information to himself and the man sat beside him. something keeps pulling the muscles in his chest taut as something refuses chuuya to accept the fact staring him straight in the eye. despite the detective agency's reputation, he'd resigned himself to being threatened or killed or... or any number of other things but this... this refuses to make sense.

"next thing.... next thing you're gonna tell me you agree with him or somethin', yeah? and then... and then the cameras are gonna appear - right?"

[acettefin]

Grey eyes flick downwards to the plastic bag in his grasp, only the slightest bit curious at what's within. There's food, he suspects: normal food, not what Edgar has to sustain himself with now. Certainly not what he'd just replenished some energy with.

If anything, a hint of longing stirs within him for a sensation he never thought he'd miss, something so vital to the human experience. That, the ability to regulate temperature, and even something as mundane as a heartbeat--they all proved he was alive. Now, as he grasps chilled hands together, he feels as if he's desperately trying to convince this stranger of the same.

"No, um... no." He shakes his head, brings a bloody palm up to wipe at his mouth, and only succeeds in feeling more of a beast with the way deep red smears across his cheek. "I'm full."

That, and the man standing before him really looks like he could do a number on him; he's not foolish enough to risk provoking him. Turning his head to the side, Edgar regards the body sprawled upon the concrete. He looks away just as quickly when he takes note of his victim's wide, lifeless eyes.

"I didn't--" The words trail off as soon as they're spoken, because I didn't mean to is a rather cheap defense when he considers it. A pause fills the air as he reconsiders the angle at which to approach this.

"I do what I must to survive, that's all. I'm not looking to pick unnecessary fights."

[selfnss]

'i'm full.'

well, that wasn't exactly what chuuya was expecting to hear. then again, he's not sure what he was expecting to hear from blood stained lips as the executive stands his ground and lets the stranger finish their excuses and explanations before deciding on what to say next. the silence hangs between them for an agonisingly long moment before his chin lifts and chuuya finally speaks up.

"he some kinda criminal?" jutting his head towards the dead body growing colder by the second, chuuya's gaze doesn't so much as flicker away from the taller man stood in the middle of a dark alley way. this is what he gets for trying to take a shortcut and get home sooner, isn't it? he's gonna be late home and he's got to deal with some kinda freak who thinks he's a vampire-- oh.

"see. if he was, i guess i can let y' off with jus' a warnin' to be more careful with who you... do that to. but if he was jus' some guy walkin' home after workin' all day in his normal job? well, guess i'm gonna have t' do somethin' about you." the threat in his words is obvious, despite the measured way chuuya ensures he speaks. he doesn't wanna scare this guy back off into the gutter without at least getting some kind of a measure of him. especially if he's a threat to yokohama's civilian population. "well?"

[vulpesly-archive]

In answer comes a muted noise from Jono, either acknowledgement at his partner's words or protest at the movement required as he's pulled into Tetcho's arms. A multitude of thoughts wrestle to be voiced. Relief that Tetcho has found him, questions over what has happened, concern for the hound's own injuries. All that Jono manages, however, is a short huff of laughter and a few words. "Don't feel like talking--" Gone is the usual eloquence, Jono too far past the point of exhaustion to summon anything more verbose than a half-baked response.

Instead, Jono tries to keep his focus on Tetcho. He may lack the means to carry a conversation at present but what attention remains is devoted entirely to his partner, listening as much to what Tetcho says as what he doesn't. Even now, Jono senses that uncertainty beneath the surface. It's not difficult to guess what is going through Tetcho's mind right now: ever the soldier, he must feel at a loss in a situation where his sword is not needed.

"Hopeless," Jono sighs, the ghost of a fond smile on bloodied lips.

At Tetcho's preemptive apology, there's a twitch of the fox's hand, an attempt at waving away such nonsense. "Can't feel much anyway, 's fine." Which promptly is proven to be a lie. The instant his jacket is removed so that the meager layer of protection over wounds is disturbed, Jono bites back a hiss, fresh agony washing over him. Any sense of numbness that has been creeping into his limbs is chased away then, and he turns his face into his partner's side as though to escape it.

[selfnss]

immediately, instinctively does tetcho hesitate at the sight of what his partner's been through. they're soldiers, property of the government and nothing more or less than that - years ago, tetcho might have seen these injuries and thought that they were nothing more than a given for a service such as theirs. now, though? the sight of crimson pooling against jono's shirt and skin alike is... he doesn't know what it is - doesn't understand the way his throat clenches and his ribcage feels fit to burst if he isn't careful. what he does know, though - is that he doesn't like it. "you are still an awful liar."

especially not on jono.

"i am sorry. i should have been quicker but... there was so many of them, saigiku." truthfully, tetcho doesn't know if he's still talking more for his sake or jono's. he's not sure it matters too much, not as he delicately peels away soaked fabric to reveal the water coloured state of his partner's torso. biting down on the inside of his cheek, tetcho pulls forward what few supplies they could spare for him to try and stabilise his partner before transporting him to the evacuation point. really, it amounts to nothing more than a few rolls of bandages and a few pads of gauze that tetcho doesn't completely know what to do with. "this... this will hurt. i am sorry. they could not spare any pain relief."

jono is given naught but a second to process this information before tetcho is reaching around him and cutting what remains of blood-soaked shirt away and replacing it with tight bandages o'er the worst injuries. gloves hands tremble as he pulls the fabric tight and amber gaze swims with encroaching exhaustion mixing with relief. "i am going to pick you up now, saigiku. please try and stay awake."

[selfnss]

in light of me having recently quit my job and being in the process of signing a new contract - i'm gonna be going without an income for the next week or so which... isn't ideal when i have a horse to feed and board... so! i've made a kofi which u can find over here and i've also put up my first ever (and probably only ever) commissions for simple headshots of your characters/muses somewhere on there too if that's something that anyone is interested in that

as always, thank u so so much to the people who have already sent me money in the past - i cannot put into words how grateful i am for all the support i've gotten from the little people inside my pc....