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[selfproclaimedmonster]

This week i was inspired to wear sanrio themed outfits! Was a fun assembling the fits with whatever I had in my closet.

[selfproclaimedmonster]

Back cuz i remembered tumblr exists and I have an account i used as a public diary

[selfproclaimedmonster]

Eternity

Amongst the bustling crowd of people,

You're the one I've set to look for,

Scouting in hopes to find my target,

Within the sea of heads galore.

I look and look around to see,

If you are anywhere within my reach,

Vessels of bodies with their host,

Yours is the one that sounds the least.

In a glimpse of an eye was I finally,

Able to grasp you in my sight,

A captivating vision I've locked on to,

An appalling vision that became my light.

My heart grows fonder at every glimpse,

Its pace a rhythm, a crescendo progression,

My mind overflows with flushed thoughts,

A tempo of jubilance and succession.

I admire your beauty from afar,

Glancing at all your perks and flaws,

Basking my eyes with your splendor,

Amazing myself, staring in awe.

How I wish for time to stop and freeze,

How I wish that things could last as it is,

How I wish for this moment of joy and ease,

To last entirely infinite, for eternity.

[selfproclaimedmonster]

A Present pt3

So I stayed in the library hiding from Candy if he were to pass by (the bench his bag was on was nearby the library). I pretended to make myself busy with work (for context, I'm a school librarian).

After some time passed, I got very curious. I peaked out of the library to make sure noone was around and tried looking back at his bag, and the envelope beside it. And guess what...

The bag was gone, ALONG WITH THE ENVELOPE. My heart raced with the implication that he noticed the envelope and took it with him. I couldn't describe the amount of joy I felt that moment. I wanted to squeal and scream gleefully, yet I resisted so I wouldn't make a fool out of myself.

That was the day, my heart was on cloud nine. For the first time in my life, I felt like I achieved something I never felt before. Perhaps its, conveying feelings to someone through writing. Otherwise its simply achieving a goal without relying on anyone else.

Whatever the case, I was so glad it happened. I look forward to his birthday, evem if we won't be seeing each other on that particular date. I wonder if he too, is looking forward tlto opening the envelope on his birthday.

All there is left for me to do is hope.

[selfproclaimedmonster]

A Present pt2

So the week before his grade was off for holiday, I brought the card to school. I put it in a little envelope I made myself, and kept it in my file because NOONE must find out. (except my open best friend)

(I guess I should say it here that I go to a religious school but I am attracted to the same gender)

Usually when I want to give him some sweets, I ask my friend who's the same grade as Candy to pass it to him. That friend of mine is also a closet queer like me so we hang out with each other.

So I thought of handing the envelope to him, as I would always do. But I felt quite guilty because he's always gotta be the one to pass things to him. I felt like maybe I should try doing it myself instead of burdening him. Of course, I don't wanna be caught because it's obvious one has a crush on someone if they give em a letter like that.

The day before (their) holiday came, school was out and everybody could go home. Some students stayed at school for a while to hang out with their friends. Luckily for me, Candy was one of them.

I saw him put down his bag by the bench and went to the canteen for lunch. I found myself a jackpot opportunity. My mind instantly knew the chance came, where I could sneak the envelope by his bag. Of course, I had to wait til' there were no witnesses around.

I couldn't wait any longer because I knew that by that time other people would come back from the canteen, so even of there were 2 or 3 witnesses around, I still took my chance and went for it. I pretended to adjust the things in my file, took out the envelope and put it by his bag,l. Then I made a run for it and hid in the library.

[selfproclaimedmonster]

I swear Ive left this app for a long time and therefore not update anything whatsoever. So here's one!

A Present pt1

First thing first, I wanna address my crush as "candy" because I always try to give him treats to make him smile. (Though I doubt my existence is acknowledged by him much)

Our first term holiday started (Mid Jan-Late Feb/Early March) and we students are supposed to be on holiday. But my grade will take a break on late Feb.

Candy's grade's holiday started late January, so I couldn't see him for another 3 weeks or so. I felt like I should give him something before I couldn't see him anymore for a period of time.

Then a little bird told me (/j I did my research) and apparently his birthday is coming up. BUT UNFORTUNATELY it's the week AFTER the holiday started, so I couldn't see him on his birthday to do anything.

So I decided to do something and give it to him before his grade goes on holiday. And tbh I planned this thing since last December, but I never really did anything.

I decided to make him a birthday card. I put my effort into it and kinda, felt proud of it too. I made a pop up style, wrote him some poems, did some papercrafts and basically put my heart into something.

[selfproclaimedmonster]

Attraction problems

How does one define a "crush"? I personally find it hard to know when someone I'm attracted to is an actual crush. I'm attracted to a lot of people, so I always assume each of those attractions are the same sexual attraction and nothing more, so i try not to fret about it.

Lately, I've been interested in this one boy. At first I assumed it was the same as other feelings i felt towards other guys, so I didnt wanna sweat it. But then, I thought of him more and more. One time while talking about him to my bestie, he said mt face turned red and all. I also actually dreamt of him one time? The dream was me being exposed that I like him, and that's ot, but still. These things happened to me for the first time, so I'm wondering if this is more than just the usual "same sex attraction" I feel towards others.

Genuinely wondering, even if he was my "crush", would it be valid? I mean I am really interested in him but then again I also like to look at other people.

[selfproclaimedmonster]

I hate developing new "crushes", I'll be feeling some things I might have not felt before. I might feel similar things as before. I might not even be aware of the feeling I feel from time to time. It makes me happy, it makes me sad.

I like to see him everyday, if i could.

Then again, I dont mean a thing to him, even if he means something to me.

I hate this, but I like this.

It's an addicting thing, this impossibility

Its depressing, yet I can't stop

Let me yearn more for these melancholic longings of hope, and acceptance.

[selfproclaimedmonster]

I thought the sadness ends during weekends, but thats a lie

[selfproclaimedmonster]

Had a nice little talk with a stranger online.

Ended up oversharing like I always do, though he was willing to listen and even gave some advice.

Then afterwards, despite all the good advices i got, my brain just said "Well youre probably gonna not follow anything he says" n tada i kinda just un-acknowledged it

[selfproclaimedmonster]

Shoutout to the stupid things i did

Reread our mesages

Search his socials

Search his school

Stop writing in my journal

Cry about him

Got covid too so mwahahahaha

[selfproclaimedmonster]

A few weeks ago, I entered a district-level poetry competition under my school's name.

I wrote a poem based on my feelings and thoughts that I felt for someone special, whom is now a person who despises me.

I wrote while I was in a sad mood, the time when I am reminded of our moments together, and what possibilities of events could happen if it lasted much longer.

After a while of waiting, my teacher finally informed me the results of the competition I entered. I got 1st place and will move on to the region-level competition. I was happy, but in a way also sad. My feelings were mixed up pretty much that time, but i had it concluded.

I was happy that the poem I wrote in the thoughts of him was acknowledged. It was as if, my feelings for him got through. As helpless as it was back then and now, I felt a tinge of joy from that tiny achievement.

Coincidentally, today happens to be his birthday. Is this a sign of anything? Life truly is an unpredictable adventure.

Happy birthday J, with hopes these feelings reach somewhere. Might not be you, might not even be a person, but if the feeling has a purpose, then that's enough for me.

[miyakuli]

** Permission to post it was granted by the artist Do not repost/edit the art without permission Please, support the artist on their page too **

Artist :  RosaReah (pixiv / twitter / weibo)

Source

[selfproclaimedmonster]

cute asffffff

[selfproclaimedmonster]

Stupid Life Update

- Figuring out feelings towards someone

- Wondering about my reputation and the happiness against it

- Rumors and secrets are unescapable

- Is there actually anyone I can trust?

- MY BIG TEDDY BEAR HAS A TEAR AT THE BACK IM SO SAD BUT IMMA GET IT STITCHED RIGHT AWAYYY

[selfproclaimedmonster]

Stupid rant

I dont understand why there are times im so head over heels over multiple boys at a time and there are also times where i believe love is dead and I can’t even look at the boys the same. 

I like talking to girls but i dont think i see them the same way as boys?

Is it just me or is this a common thing? Really figuring out how attractions work and its pretty confusingggggggg

Just hoping im not bipolar or bpd cuz idk how i’ll handle those 

[selfproclaimedmonster]

Ironically made a post about returning to tumblr then disappearing for more than a month after my next post xd.

Life update: I am in love with shitposts now and 2 more people have been added into my painful past ~

[selfproclaimedmonster]

Out of the closet

My best friend came out to me as a gay furry human, glad he trusted me with that considering the country and society we live in.

With so, I eventually came out to him as well. Now we open up to each other more, and I feel closer to him. Kind of happy it did ~