skinny [love]

Endings & Beginnings || self-para (ish)

He had to agree with Hamin on that one. He could definitely remember a few instances where he had slept with guys because there had just been this sort of chemistry between them in terms of physical attraction and the sex had been amazing, but Jongjin would have never wanted to spend time with them outside the bedroom just because he knew they would never get along. There was nothing wrong with that. “Well, I’m pretty sure I’d never complain about you falling into my lap,” he grinned lecherously, teasing right back.

“Same goes to you,” he replied, keeping his eyes closed as he let Hamin pepper his face with kisses. It feels nice and he’s completely reveling in the attention. “I’d rather we avoid hurting each other unnecessarily. Actually no, I’d rather we avoid hurting each other at all.” He had never wanted to hurt Hamin and knowing that he had managed to do so unconsciously was the worst feeling. “I hope you’re ready though. If you think you’ve seen all my bad sides, you may end up being a bit surprised.” The way he said it made it sound like he was joking, but he was actually serious. They had known each other for a while so Hamin had seen multiple sides of him over the years, but there were still things about himself that Jongjin was keeping safely locked away. Who knew how long that could last though.

“Hmm, tonight we could crash on yours if we’re too lazy to move. I like your couch, it’s comfortable and spacious enough to accommodate my body. That said, you’re welcome to visit and come crash on mine whenever you want, but I can’t say that it is as comfortable as yours. I don’t think I would be able to let you sleep there. I’d take you to my room for sure…despite what I said about beds earlier.” He grinned at Hamin before taking a sip of champagne. He tilted his head slightly to the side when Hamin asked if they were leaving important discussions to later. It wasn’t the first time since they had gotten together that Hamin had said something like that and Jongjin was starting to wonder just what it was exactly that the other wanted to talk about because he certainly didn’t feel like they had anything very serious to discuss. He slowly ran his hand over Hamin’s thigh. “What is it that you want us to talk about? You keep bringing it up, and yet you don’t really delve into it. Is anything bothering you?”

He emptied his flute of champagne and carefully moved to grab the bottle so he could refill their glasses. Screw what he had said earlier about not drinking too much. This champagne was way too delicious and he was way too happy to not enjoy this bottle to the fullest. “We can talk about mugs though if you prefer. We should get huge ones so they’re comfortable for my big hands, and I like my coffee black, like my clothes.” He started coughing when his champagne went down the wrong pipe when he heard Hamin whining. Somehow, he had not expected to hear the other whine about that. “Well, now we have plenty of time to change that,” he said, slightly wheezing as he tried to catch his breath. He moved to set his glass aside and then pulled Hamin back onto his lap, wrapping his arms around him and nuzzling his nose against the side of his neck.

“It’s been a while….maybe I lost all my skills and I am terrible at it now. What if you end up regretting this?” he mumbled against Hamin’s skin, letting his lips brush against it before closing them around the skin and leaving kisses.

#p:beginnings #(i forgot my tags omfg)

"I think you're going to have to start complaining that I spend too much time in your lap. I don’t have a reason to let you go, so you may find me between your legs more often than not." He had always leaned towards the clingy side, worrying about emotional attachment being the only form of self control for touch. Now, he didn't have to pretend at all. His heart was so filled with emotion, he felt ready to burst. Never before had he felt the amount of affection he did now, nor knew how to express it. However, it didn't matter how he expressed it anymore. He could stay in Jongjin's arms and press each of his feelings in kisses on the older's skin. Everything was alright now.

Hamin laughed under his breath. "You don't have to worry about that," he said, pressing a kiss to Jongjin's forehead. "I may be better suited to deal with whatever's thrown at me than you think." There was no potential flaw that would bother Hamin. If anything, he was aching to know, to see and feel it all. Maybe there weren't many of his own bad sides Jongjin hadn't seen, but Hamin wanted to know everything about his lover. “I always said that once I’ve made up my mind about someone, nothing can shake it. Perhaps that just means I’m too stubborn, but it takes a hell of a lot to change my mind.” To be honest, it usually took a lot to change even when his mind wasn’t fully made up. “I’ve certainly made my mind up about you.”

He didn’t mind couches as much as he pretended to. “I won’t complain about being in your bed. I don’t care if we’re on your floor if you’re with me.” It felt like a massive imbalance in his life had suddenly been tilted. The tables were turned so suddenly, but the sudden change made his head spin. It didn’t feel like he expected, not that he expected much of anything to begin with. One thing he knew was that wished he could show all of this to his younger self-- to the seventeen year old reeling in Jongjin’s, a stranger’s arms. To the younger Hamin falling in love for the first time, standing in a convenience store with ramen soaking his shoes.. That it would be alright. How much he would have needed to feel this happiness now. Maybe he would have looked forward to the future, made it easier to not give up.

However, even in the face of all of this, he still felt like himself. It was disappointing to kiss Jongjin and still be worried that he had little time left. This moment felt like the climax of a movie, but he was pulling backwards instead of towards his happy ending. He knew he was frowning and he wished he wasn’t. “I know that what I do bothers you..” he started slowly. Jongjin’s hand was reassuring. Hamin had always been grateful for Jongjin’s support, but he knew it came from a host conflicted at best. “It’s going to be hard for me to agree to anything, to try to change anything, but I want to make sure I do try.” He hadn’t wanted to talk technicalities. There was monogamy to talk about, and if they had an open relationship, whether they were terms. Hamin knew Jongjin liked some things he wasn’t going to be able to provide, but that was different than Hamin’s career. “For a start, what do you dislike more? Me being in the mafia or me being a prostitute? I don’t know exactly what to promise, but I need to know what you want me to do.”

Hamin settled in Jongjin’s lap. “That’s why I was hesitant to start talking about it. I’m sorry.” He rested his forehead against Jongjin’s, tracing his jawline with slightly cold fingers before settling his hands at the nape of Jongjin’s neck. “I’m not the easiest to love either, in fact I may be among the most difficult.” Hamin’s smile was wistful. Whether he had always been this way or gotten worse as he grew older, no one knew. He certainly didn’t feel much better. “But I know one thing, and that’s that I love you.” His eyes warmed, curving as he took a breath. “I love you, and my life would be so empty if you weren’t with me.” At least that was a start. The future seemed brighter by the second.

“Is this my Jongjin, suddenly shy?” Hamin burst into soft laughter. How many men and women had pied to kick between the sheets with his little heartbreaker. How soft and sweet it was to know Jongjin cared about his pleasure. “You must underestimate how many shitty people I’ve fucked in my life.” His words slurred a tiny bit with sleep and alcohol. Even still, his smile was heartfelt. “You could take me apart without trying. It’s always been that way.”

yhanaish

Visit Original Link

i've loved, and i've lost

#n;bts

kodomo-kun

[character development sheet rewrite]

our dear little hamin has evolved a lot since i raised him from the dead, so i redid the entire sheet thing to make things a little easier.

#(holla i did something)

Endings & Beginnings || self-para (ish)

“You should be a bit more confident Hamin. Do you even know how handsome you are? And it’s not just about looks either. Do you think I would have honestly stuck to your side like glue for all these years if I thought you were boring or annoying or not cool enough to be called a friend? I know that my past makes it so that I’m pretty good at playing make-believe but I wouldn’t have done that to you.” He reached up and gently brushed his knuckles along Hamin’s jaw. “I’m not sure how comforting this is going to be but let it be known that my body certainly picked you as soon as it saw you the first time…I mean, you were quite a sight that evening.” He wasn’t going to lie and try to sugar coat things. He hadn’t fallen in love with Hamin at first sight. Jongjin didn’t believe in those kinds of things anyway. He did believe however that it was possible to desire someone, want to get them in bed, at first sight and in his case, that’s what had happened when he had met Hamin the first time.

He couldn’t stop smiling at Hamin and his cheeks were starting to hurt because he wasn’t used to having this kind of expression on his face. “Like you just said, I’m not really the best when it comes to expressing my feelings, but I’m willing to make an effort if it’s to reassure you and let you know that things are okay. I know you tend to worry a lot, but I do too although I don’t really let it show. I mostly worry about you,” he admitted, “so if I see you look a bit down, you can be assured I will probably ask you what’s up because that’s just the kind of thing I do whenever you’re concerned.” It was true that he hadn’t been as present in the past couple of months though and he had been feeling like he was drifting slowly away from Hamin, but he was glad that hadn’t happened and that they had managed to reach their current point.

“Hmmm, ‘darling’ makes it sound like I’m some kind of rich dude straight out of a posh family,” he laughed, but then felt himself blushing as Hamin continued to talk. There he was, being all poetic, or honest, maybe both, Jongjin wasn’t sure, but it was certainly enough to make him hide his face against Hamin’s collarbone. “You don’t have to go that far, besides…” he turned his head slightly so he could bring his mouth closer to Hamin’s ear and there, he whispered, “…I love it the most when we’re in bed and you call my name.” It was an attempt to tease Hamin even though he was being completely honest. He wasn’t sure this was going to work and make the other blush though considering this wasn’t the kind of thing Hamin wasn’t used to hear but who knew, maybe for once Jongjin would turn out being wrong in his assumptions. Even if he wasn’t, he still enjoyed teasing the other.

“Are you trying to tell me something? What’s wrong with my nose?” he asked, reaching up to touch it and turning his lips into a pout. Again, it was all just for play. He felt too giddy to stop being silly. “We did?” he said in surprise, straightening up on the couch as Hamin showed him the screen of his phone. He let the other make himself comfortable on his lap and then gently rested his hands on Hamin’s waist. He watched the minute pass and when there were only a few seconds left to midnight, he counted down from 10 until, “Happy new year Hamin,” he said softly and leaned forward to close the distance between them.

There were no words to describe how the kiss felt. All he knew was that he never wanted it to stop. His eyes opened in panic when he felt himself losing balance but before he could do anything, Hamin was on top of him and pressing down on him so he let his eyes flutter close again and kissed with a newfound vigor, wrapping his arms around the other and keeping him close. “Who needs a bed when you have a couch,” he replied with a lower voice than usual, slightly breathless from their previous kiss. “There’s too much space in a bed…you’re going to roll away from me with all the blankets and I will be left on my side, all alone, shiver…” he was cut off by Hamin giving him another kiss, which he didn’t waste time returning.

He hummed as the other rolled away from him and he shifted until he was on his side. “A part of me says we should only get one glass each so we don’t get drunk and actually remember this moment, but another part of me is telling me that it would be terrible to waste all that delicious champagne by not finishing the bottle. Oh the dilemma.” He pushed himself back into a sitting position and then stood up. He walked over to where the bottle was and grabbed it. He then unwrapped the paper at the top and proceeded to open it. Thankfully, he did it so that the cork didn’t go flying up to the ceiling though it did make a nice pop and Jongjin hurried to pour the alcohol into the glasses. He then turned around and handed one to Hamin before sitting back down on the couch.

“To a new year together that will hopefully bring us lots of surprises and if there are any harder time, I’m toasting so that we both learn from those and that it brings us even closer, so…to us?” he said as he raised his glass.

"Well I always thought I was pretty. That was the only thing that ever got me anywhere." Hamin sighed. He didn't like to be confronted with logic, especially knowing that nothing he ever felt made sense. "But you know, being physically attracted to someone and wanting to be with them are very different things." He hummed agreeably, eyelashes fluttering against the touch. Either way, he was lucky. It was easier to focus on that than to fret about how he had gotten here. "To be honest, I practically fell into your lap." That night had been an end and a beginning for him in more ways than one. He had been more than desperate, and Jongjin had been there looking like everything he had ever wanted and been denied, a second chance more beautiful than all the firsts. It had been hard to resist, and Hamin was glad he hadn't. "And I'm glad your body made things easier for us," he teased. Hamin wasn't sure if he believed in fate. Love at first sight wasn't really something he could place either, though in retrospect he probably had fallen in love faster than he thought. Mostly, he felt that his life without Jongjin had all just been leading up to that night, leading up to now. All of his mistakes had pushed him to this moment, and for that he was grateful.

Hamin peppered Jongjin's face with kisses. "Well if you ever have a problem, you never have to be afraid to let me know. I'm sure we'll have our squabbles, and I'm sure that in and of itself could be a perfectly okay thing. If things go beyond that and stop becoming growing experiences, we should fix them right away." There was no way they'd be a pristine couple. The two of them tended to nag and tease, and there would probably be times when they were grumpy at each other. Hamin wouldn't have it any other way. Outbursts of emotion were the only way he ever let anything meaningful out anyway. However, if something deeper than that was going on, he didn't want to leave it alone like they used to. Misunderstandings got a little dangerous when they led such complicated lives.

"You think it's too much effort to call you something as small as that?" Hamin's gaze was achingly fond, laughing breathlessly. "What do you think I call you in my head then? I could fill books with what I think of you, enough to make 'darling' seem distant by comparison." He pressed a kiss to the top of Jongjin's head. The low voice close to his ear sent ripples down his spine. He definitely liked Jongjin's pissed off voice the best, but quiet whispers were a close second. "I'm glad you enjoy it. I'm sure you can bring it out of me whenever you want, hm?" Hamin practically purred. For all of his stubborn tendencies, he loved to please. Jongjin was one of the few who could bring out his true obedient side. He almost couldn't wait to be taken at any time of the day. It made him wish he had the energy to go right then.

"We can't sleep on couches forever, Jong." Hamin rolled his eyes exasperatedly. "You and me both can't be waking up with sore muscles or cricks and cramps." Their makeout session was far too short lived for his tastes, but technically it was supposed to be a new year kiss. He resolved to make up for it as soon as possible. Glad for the lack of champagne all over his living room, he took his glass with a small thank you. "I think I'm gonna get through two tops before I keel over. How many glasses in a bottle? Six or something?" Hamin returned the toast and started taking his glass in moderate sips. "You've got me in weight and height, so if you want to prove yourself yet again as the fancy alcohol enthusiast, be my guest." Hamin got towards the bottom of his glass. Though he was definitely of simple tastes when it came to alcohol, there was something nice about sparkling wine.

"So, since you're in love with couches and extremely melodramatic about beds, who's couch are we crashing on and how often? I could use some more practice getting in your window if you haven't changed the latch." Hamin settled with his legs in Jongjin's lap, leaning against the side of the couch. His glass which was now empty was half forgotten in his hand. "Or are we leaving important discussions for later when we're more put together?" There was much more he wanted to talk about that he wasn't planning on bringing up right now. First issue being which of his jobs bothered Jongjin more, and what they wanted to do about it. He wasn't sure if he was quite thrilled to know, but he definitely needed to ask. It was going to take a long time to think about before he made a decision. "Or we could start with cute things like what kind of mugs to get. I've almost forgotten how you like your coffee. Oh, and if we're actually going to do the 'less coffee and alcohol' thing, which would be a total bummer. I'd prefer to be both awake and wasted for making out. Another reason for picking couches though, there's so many places in both of our apartments that you haven't fucked me in ages," he whined dramatically.

Visit Original Link

we're gonna live..

at last

#n;bts #( u__u )

Endings & Beginnings || self-para (ish)

“Same applies to you, you know. Besides I’m not crying,” he murmured and tried as best as he could to dry Hamin’s tears by running his thumbs over his cheeks. It was great though to be able to provide some comfort simply by holding the other in his arms. This was something he had done countless times before, but he used to always be unsure of whether he was truly helping or not. This time though, because they both finally stopped being idiots and decided they would try being together, it felt different.

“Hamin…” he started to say before hugging the other more tightly. “You don’t have to be sorry. Remember how I’ve said this before; that my indecisions were often hurting the people I cared about? This is one of those instances.” It seemed like a good time to let some things out and he felt a bit wary to bring up another guy’s name but at the same time he also felt like it would be necessary to clear some things up and let Hamin know that this wasn’t something he had just been considering in the last few days. “You know, I always told you that I cared a lot about you and that I wanted you to be happy and that was always the truth. I never lied to you about that. After meeting you, you became someone extremely important to me and I know I’ve told you this before as well.”

He gently ran his hands over Hamin’s back and smiled softly at him. “But there was also Taejun whom I’ve known since we were both teenagers and I had been sharing so many things with him…It was never really clear what was really going on between us. I couldn’t let go of him, but I didn’t want to let go of you either. I didn’t want to risk hurting either of you. By doing that though, I filled you with all these insecurities that you just told me about and I’m not really sure what kind of impact it had on him since he’s about as mute about his feelings as I am but yeah, my selfishness somehow made everything worse. I’ve made my choice now though.”

He couldn’t say that he had really planned this. The idea of finally just telling Hamin had come to him after a couple of days spent re-evaluating his life and he had decided that if there was a time to do it, New Year’s Eve was probably the best time even if it was probably a bit cheesy. That’s as far as his planning had gone though. “I can’t really say I planned this….I mean, I didn’t try to come up with some sort of fancy proposal scenario that would have led to me asking you out, but I did decide I would tell you today, or well I was originally planning to ask you after we would have countdown to the New Year but I changed my mind. Does that count as planning?” He sighed in content when he felt Hamin’s fingers tangling in his hair and he instinctively leaned into the touch, eyes slowly fluttering shut. “I don’t think you can ever really prepare yourself to someone asking you out, unless someone else spoils it for you by warning you ahead.”

There were so many things he had always wanted to do if he was in an actual relationship that he didn’t really know where to start. Jongjin looked cold to others most of the time, closed off, but when he was with someone officially, he was loyal and caring to the core, willing to spoil and make his lover happy. “I’ll probably bring you breakfast in bed when you least expect it,” he started to say and then let out a loud bark of a laugh when he heard what Hamin said. He hid his mouth behind his hand as he snickered. “Maybe I will eventually, maybe I won’t. Right now I just feel like it would be unnatural somehow? I can’t really imagine calling you ‘babe’ or ‘honey’ or anything like that to be honest. I’m okay with the coffee mugs though,” he grinned. “Should we add couple clothing to that and couple toothbrushes?” he teased and leaned forward to press another kiss to Hamin’s lips.

“Oh but I think you’re still sharp,” he teased again as he moved his hand to poke the left side of Hamin’s pelvis. He was feeling so happy that he was actually making lame jokes. It was a bit embarrassing but at this point, there were more important things to care about. “That said….what time is it? Did we miss the countdown? We should open the bottle of champagne to celebrate anyway, screw the countdown. I still want my official New Year kiss though.”

"I was willing to wait for as long as you needed, ready to accept whatever decision you made. That I was completely truthful about." Hamin smiled wistfully. To be fair, he had taken a long time to sort out his feelings as well. If this had happened a couple of years ago, there was no telling what the outcome would have been. He had always been too wary of happiness to even consider trying to obtain it. Often times he had worried if he was more just obsessed with the idea of liking Jongjin than actually in love with him. Had all of his recent realizations not taken place, there may have been a much more tragic outcome. "I think I was so desperate for you to be happy, and so stubbornly blind, I just assumed there was no way-- I never thought you'd pick me. And that was just as much due to my own insecurities as the long wait." It had always been so hard to tell where Jongjin's natural protective and caring tendencies ended, and where his feelings began. Instead of talking to clear it up, Hamin had been ready to accept loss.

"I think deciding itself was enough planning. If you had tried anything extravagant-- well, first of all I probably wouldn't have thought it serious. The simplicity of it let me know that it was really you." Hamin continued to play in Jongjin's hair gently. They were both about spent. "And if someone had warned me ahead for this, I would have thought they were joking." He couldn't have dreamed this up. His mind had certainly tried despite him, all the nights he had curled up alone, every night he had ached. Of course, he had fantasized about this happening more times than he'd cared to admit. However, every time he started, he had tried to blot it out, drown it in sex and alcohol. He had left his life fall apart just to prepare himself.

"We gotta make sure we talk things out, okay?" Hamin let himself cling to Jongjin. The fact that the first thing that had come into his mind was that he didn't deserve this let him know that he had better be careful. "I have such a bad habit of worrying. I know it's hard for you to voice feelings, and I've always been so grateful for everything you tell me, but I just don't want anything to happen because of doubt or worry." The space between Hamin's eyebrows furrowed. There was no way in hell he was going to let Jongjin be torn away from him on undue causes. "So, just--" He paused to let his thoughts collect. "If something is wrong, we need to talk. I kinda-- fuck things up a lot by overthinking. I don't mind anything else we do; I just want this one thing."

Hamin took his kiss with a smile. "I dunno, maybe it's too sappy. I've always thought that 'darling' would suit you though." There had been so many things he had wanted to call Jongjin over the years. He had always been a little bit of a sucker for words. "Maybe I'll call you 'love' on mondays and 'darling' on the weekends. Tuesdays you can be 'my sun and stars,' and Thursdays 'my everything.' The rest will depend on my mood." Maybe he would pick the most embarrassing ones just to see Jongjin blush. The thought was practically delicious. "I guess we have a lot of things to decide on together, don't we?" There was a lot to talk about, so much that they could probably stay up all night talking about it. There was no way they'd last that long though, not tonight. The fact that they had time, that there was a tomorrow, a next week-- it was nothing short of perfect.

Hamin swatted Jongjin's hand indignantly, unable to stay cross and ending up laughing instead. It was nice to be hopelessly in love without consequences. "You're still sharp yourself." Hamin poked Jongjin's nose. Turning around, he glanced at the clock he kept back in the hallway. He reached for his phone to double check the time. "I think we made it." Turning around the screen, he showed the time at 11:58. He brushed his hair away from his face. "You still get your official kiss then." Settling himself to balance on his knees on either side of Jongjin, he rested his arms on the older's shoulders. Though there had been so much he had initially wanted to say, everything had faded by this point. To be able to curl against his love and feel his breathing, that was enough to last him a lifetime. His phone was still in his hand. "And past 11:59" he hummed. With a click, he turned the clock into a countdown so they could see it properly. Hamin smiled as the second hand passed the thirty second mark.

"Happy new year, Jongjin." Leaning in, he locked their mouths together. All at once he let out all the emotions he had suppressed ever since the very first night. Playfully, using his knees, he shifted all of his weight to one side to topple them over back onto the couch. Right now all he wanted was to get the breath knocked out of him. Maybe he'd replace getting that feeling from bruising and start from kisses. Breaking the kiss only when he started to feel lightheaded, he laughed. "I suppose we'll have a lot of little resolutions to fulfill, won't we? Like crashing in actual beds." Hamin held Jongjin's face in his hands and kissed him again, slow and lazily. He almost let himself forget about the champagne completely. It would be such a waste to ignore it though. "Okay, okay, sorry I'm done. We can open the bottle now." He landed one last peck before rolling off of Jongjin.

Endings & Beginnings || self-para (ish)

That moment right there had to be the scariest thing he had ever done in his life. There were a lot of things that were considered scary or dangerous that he had no problems doing like speed racing or killing people for a living, but exposing his true feelings was something he had never done, or maybe he used to do it as a kid then eventually stopped and simply forgot about it. The point of it all was that asking Hamin if he was okay with trying to date him was something he had refused to acknowledge for the longest time because it was scary as shit and just something he felt unable to deal with. With everything that had happened in the last few days though, he had allowed himself to look at everything he had locked away in his mind, in his heart and just try to stop being an idiot.

Because it was the scariest moment for him, it was understandable that his gaze was locked on Hamin’s face, observing his reaction attentively. He broke the staring to glance down at his shirt when he felt Hamin’s fingers tightening over the fabric but rapidly glanced back up at him. He took that moment to shift his position yet again and he ended up with a knee on each side of Hamin’s legs and sitting comfortably on his lap, fully facing him this time around. He was so nervous that he was sure his palms were sweating and that was usually never happening. He ran them over his thighs just in case and nodded as an answer to the question Hamin had just asked him. “Yeah…yeah I mean it.”

His head tilted slightly and a frown appeared on his forehead when the other started apologizing repeatedly. What was Hamin being sorry for? Was he going to turn him down? Did he think that he was being ridiculous for asking out someone who was selling his body for a living? He didn’t want to make any assumptions, but it was hard not to when it looked like Hamin had some sort of mental breakdown and Jongjin wasn’t sure why. It looked like Hamin was trying to tell him something but couldn’T finish his sentences and without really being aware of it, Jongjin started gnawing on his lower lip out of worry.

He was about to start justifying himself, or maybe reassure Hamin if he had doubts when he finally heard the other’s answer and he snapped his mouth shut, gaze locking with Hamin’s one once again. He felt the other’s fingers through his hair and suddenly he was the one feeling like he had just received some huge blow to the stomach. “You’d…like that….” he repeated as if he couldn’t comprehend the fact that he had just received a positive answer from the other male. “You’d like that,” he said again if only to drill the notion into his mind and then he wrapped his arms tightly around Hamin and hid his face against his neck again because there were such a mix of emotions raging inside of him at that moment that he suddenly just felt like crying, out of relief, happiness, or god knows what else and he was really trying hard not to let that happen.

“God…” he breathed out after a moment and let out a chuckle of disbelief before pulling slightly back and turning his head to press a kiss to Hamin’s cheek, then one to his lips. “Thank you,” he breathed out before cupping Hamin’s face between his hands again. “Thank you,” he repeated and smiled at him, eyes still brimming with unshed tears and he felt so ridiculous yet so happy. He was too old to feel so many things at once, it was exhausting. He rolled off Hamin so he could sit next to him, but didn’t stay like that for too long as he next grabbed Hamin and pulled him onto his lap, reversing their previous position.

“I’ll take you on proper dates,” he suddenly blurted out and felt his cheeks heat up because what in hell was he saying? They had known each other for so long and had done so many crazy things together that it was hard to imagine just taking Hamin to see a movie in theaters although he wasn’t against the idea.

Though he could still feel his heart beating wildly, Hamin tried his best to regain his composure. However, Jongjin was there looking so nervous and beautiful. That if anything let him know that this was serious, he couldn't have dreamed of a situation like this. He had a lapful of lost puppy, and one who wasn't one for admitting feelings on top of it all. It was so endearing, he almost couldn't stand it. Though the thoughts he so desperately needed to fall into place seemed almost within his grasp, they scattered just as soon as he grasped for them. His-- Jongjin could be his. He felt like all of his blood rushed to his head at once, and thought of how silly it would be if he passed out. As Jongjin hid his face again, an erratic sob escaped Hamin's throat before he could swallow it. What good had he ever done to deserve this?

"Please don't cry. You're gonna kill me," Hamin fussed endearingly, though his own tears were already overflowing. Reaching out to hold Jongjin's chin, he made sure the kiss lingered for longer than it was meant to, eyes fluttering closed with a thousand silent and thankful prayers. Feeling dizzy, all he could do was nod though he knew there was no need to be thanked in the first place. "I-- I-" he started, but the childlike sobs spilling from his chest hid his words. He simply let himself be pulled against Jongjin as his shoulders shook, mouth covered by his hand. He couldn't even make himself regret falling apart, knowing it was justified.

Once his crying had subsided a bit, he pushed his hair back from his face. "I lied about the alone time," he sniffled pitifully, blinking through his tears. There wasn't a way for his face to get more red, his cheeks already flushed. "I thought-- I thought" his voice came out in little whines and whimpers, it was so frustrating. He swallowed, trying to even his tone so he could talk properly. "I was afraid I felt too much for you. I thought it was going to be hopeless, and that I was making a mistake." Even saying all of this out loud, he knew there was no way to encompass everything in words. He needed Jongjin to know at least a little bit though. "I thought-- I needed to get over you." Hamin blinked the tears from his eyes. Eventually he gave up to press his face against Jongjin's chest. "I was so stupid, Jong. I'm so sorry." His sobs blended with laughter, leaving him breathless and undoubtedly a mess. He pulled his face back up. "I thought I needed to get over you, and you show up with this. That's why I was in such a bad mood when you came over, and my reaction is like this now." Hamin wiped at his face, sniffling.

"And you had to have planned this, didn't you?" He couldn't even imagine Jongjin preparing to tell him this. He couldn't wrap his mind around it. "I almost wish I could do it over again. I can't believe--" Hamin let out a shaky exhale. The little quivers of his limbs started to subside. So much for a graceful reaction. It felt like the tension of all these years had been stretched out and snipped with scissors. "I guess I couldn't have prepared for that, could I?" His body probably couldn't handle living that over again. Hamin ran his hands through Jongjin's hair again, loving how it looked tousled. This year, though he had expected nothing from it but a continued cycle of lying to himself and lonely nights, in a matter of moments had become an infinity. "Oh, Jongjin," he breathed, curling closer. "Jongjin, Jongjin, Jongjin, Jongjin-" he felt like he couldn't run his fingers enough over familiar cheekbones. His chest ached, and hopefully there were no more tears left to be shed, because he certainly felt like crying again.

Hamin hummed fondly. "Will you? What else will you do?" He murmured, peppering kisses across Jongjin's forehead. "Will you call me pet names? Should we get matching sets of coffee mugs and go on long walks when it gets warm in the evenings?" The thought of doing such ordinary, lovely things with Jongjin was surprisingly welcome. It was almost too much too fast. Hours ago he had been so removed from any of these possibilities, hadn't even let himself dream. "How funny it is that we started as such sharp characters on our own-- How we wore down our rough edges, and we've ended up here." Their story was so unique, it almost felt like they had taken a small and natural step forward, though that step had been so hard to take.

Endings & Beginnings || self-para (ish)

“You’re probably right. You’d probably have to cut on the cigarettes and the alcohol, or worse like your caffeine intake.” He put his fingers to his lips as if he had just said something that was completely scandalizing. It was a bit crazy how Hamin could so easily make him go from one spectrum of emotions to the complete opposite in a matter of mere minutes. It was so easy to playfully banter with him one minute and then seethe in anger out of concern for Hamin because that’s always how it had been ever since he had met him. He had never been angry at Hamin because his prevalent feeling or instinct rather whenever Hamin was concerned was this huge desire to protect. So when someone dared hurt Hamin, it was natural for Jongjin to get quite pissed off. “You’re right, it’s not a nice thing to hear…” he confirmed. It wasn’t nice because he couldn’t do anything to stop it from happening and that was the worst. “But I’m glad you still share these things with me. It lets me know what has been going on with you and I appreciate that.”

“I think it’s nice to have friends,” he commented softly as he shifted on the couch and sat correctly before slouching against the back cushions. “It’s nice to have someone to talk to and who can be there to slap some sense into you when you’re being an idiot. Like we’re friends, but I don’t think I would be very good at slapping some sense into your head so it would be good if there was someone else to do that job for me, don’t you think?” Realistically though, it was more a suggestion that he was making and it’s not like he was planning on insisting if Hamin decided he didn’t want to go out and mingle with strangers outside of work. “Well, it’s not like anyone’s expecting you to have all the answers to your life by tomorrow. Hell, I’m going to turn thirty and I still don’t know what I’m doing or what I want most of the time.”

He arched his eyebrows in surprise at the mention of his guitar playing. He hadn’t expected to hear that being brought up tonight. He was rarely touching his guitar now and when he was, it was usually when he was all alone and no one could hear him other than the empty walls of his apartment. He shrugged after thinking about how he could possibly answer this. “I don’t know why I don’t play as often to be honest. It’s always just been a sort of hobby to me, something I could strum when I needed to calm down and sort my thoughts. I guess eventually I just moved on to other ways to cope with things.” And maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t playing as often because it reminded him too much of his brother and how distant they had grown over the years. They had recently started talking more but it was still a fragile territory.

He watched Hamin as the other returned with the bowl of popcorn and couldn’t help a frown from forming on his forehead when he noticed how far away from him Hamin had decided to sit down. Jongjin never complained about any of the time Hamin used to cling to his side and wrap all around him, but the one time he decided to visit with the desire to be held close by Hamin, the other apparently decided that was the right time to keep his distance and Jongjin didn’t know how to feel about that. He didn’t know whether he should be bringing the topic up or just pretend that everything was fine. In the end, he twisted to get his knees on the couch and carefully took the bowl of popcorn out of Hamin’s hand before moving to set it aside on the coffee table. He then faced Hamin and got down on all four so he could crawl closer. Once he deemed the distance between them to be small enough, he shifted until he was sitting on Hamin’s lap, with his back against the armrest and his legs stretched out on the unoccupied segment of the couch.

It was not the most ideal position considering he was taller, heavier and bigger than Hamin and was probably crushing the other under his weight but at the moment, he didn’t pay attention to any of that and simply twisted his torso so he could wrap his arms around Hamin’s waist and curl against his chest until his face was buried against the left side of Hamin’s neck. He hummed softly in satisfaction now that he was finally getting what he had wanted since before he had left his apartment to come over to Hamin’s.

“You know, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking myself over the past couple of days,” he murmured into Hamin’s skin. “Certain events made me question whether it was right for me to keep being a part of this world, being part of the family. Then I thought, would they let me live if I asked them to let me leave? I thought, ‘they probably wouldn’t’ because I know too much. I’ve been around for too long. Taejun has been begging me to stop doing my job for a long time now so I could just join him and help….he thinks I’ve been losing myself you see….but I think that recently, I also lost a part of myself and I’ve been feeling a bit hollow since.” He scoffed and tightened his hold around Hamin.

“I don’t know why I am telling you all this. I didn’t come here to empty all my emotional weariness on you. I honestly just came because I wanted us to have a good time together and not be alone for the New Year. But I guess all this talk about resolutions brought this forward.” He pulled slightly back then so he could stare into Hamin’s eyes and he smiled fondly at him, removing one of his arms from around Hamin’s waist so he could reach up and brush some hair out of Hamin’s eyes.

“Hamin…do you think…” He took a deep breath and moved his other arm so he could gently cup Hamin’s face between his hands. Originally, he had given himself many pep talks to give him the courage to bring this up after the countdown, but screw that, he wasn’t going to wait until then.

“Would you like trying…to date….me?”

"Oh, nonsense. You are to this day the only one who has ever gotten any sizable amount of sense into me." Hamin flicked Jongjin on the shoulder lightly. It was true that others had tried, he just wasn't required to care with anyone else. With a pleasant sigh, he stretched his arms behind his head. The upset ramblings of his mind were quieting down now into a drone which was much easier to ignore. It was hard to think of anything else when he was with the older than-- simply being there and feeling contentment seep into his bones. For once he was grateful that his body kicked into autopilot. "I think my problem is less that I can't find the answers and more that I'm too stubborn to do anything suggested to me. There is little love of logic in me." He knew that there were probably some ways he could improve himself. There had been long stretches in his life where he kept going because he had felt trapped. Now, he still felt like he was stuck in his way of life, but he knew that a lot of it was his own fault anyway.

"Other ways to cope--" Hamin repeated. A slight frown pressed between his brows. Of course, he was glad Jongjin was getting by somehow, but how he did it, sometimes Hamin had no idea. Sometimes little cracks chipped away at Jongjin, and watching them appear and disappear so quickly was incredible to him. He felt the need to smooth away every worry Jongjin had, but whenever he found one, it was usually already being dealt with somehow and he felt too late. All Hamin ever did was expose problems, he didn't feel like he was actually helping any of them. Maybe it was hypocritical for him to worry at all, but lately he had spent so many nights with visions of the Jongjin he'd first met on his eyelids before falling asleep. It was probably so selfish, because he knew Jongjin didn't have to keep any parts of the old him, just like Hamin hadn't kept any of his old parts. They were supposed to be moving forward, and change had been good in many ways, but Hamin spent so much time remembering. Perhaps remembering was his own way of coping. He was alright with that. "I'm glad," he eventually said with a laugh. "I want you to be happy, however you can, in as many ways as you can."

When Jongjin took the bowl away from him, Hamin blinked up at him in surprise, willingly giving it up to leave empty hands. He wasn't sure what he was expecting, a stern reprimand, a teasing remark. There were worse things he probably deserved. Jongjin had so many reasons to be frustrated with him. Somewhere in his mind, he was scolding himself too. However, Jongjin was dropping into his lap, and his breath caught in his throat. "Are you alri--" there was the warmth of a face in the crook of his shoulder, and Hamin stopped. Tentatively, he curled his arms around Jongjin's shoulders. The frightened quickening of his heart settled just as suddenly as it started. It hadn't occurred to him, that the reason for this visit was that he was needed, but now that the idea was there, Hamin felt guilty. He couldn't have known to be ready to be pulled out of his two week slumber, but he should have been more willing to provide. "Sorry," Hamin mumbled into Jongjin's hair, "I'm here to listen, I'm sorry."

Hearing that Jongjin had wanted to leave didn't exactly catch him off guard, but it seemed to be a rather new topic for them to talk about. Jongjin had always been a quiet advocate for Hamin escaping, so it had made sense that somewhere he had been also thinking the same for himself. Maybe it had been self-centered thinking all along, but Hamin had always hoped that Jongjin wanted to be near him too much to just let him slip away. However, no matter how many times it had been brought up, he had never paid any real mind to it. The reason was more because he refused to think of it before Jongjin made up his own mind. Hamin hummed reassuringly, he understood the mental battles too well. "It's been hard on you," Hamin mumbled softly, leaving kisses along the older's hairline, resting his jaw gently against the top of his head and tangling fingers softly through Jongjin's hair. He wasn't sure if Jongjin was melting away his stress through his skin, or if Hamin was taking Jongjin's, but either way he was grateful for the effect they both seemed to have.

Curiosity about the seeming change in conversation tone pulled Hamin out of his mellow haze and he blinked down at Jongjin. "I like your emotional baggage. It makes me feel useful." Their eyes locked, and Hamin remembered how he had always been so scared of eye contact with Jongjin. If it wasn't for the hands framing his face he wouldn't have had the courage to return the gaze. Even still, he could hardly breathe even before any words were said.

Hamin felt as if he had been struck by lightning. Shudders ran down his arms, and he immediately lost the ability to move. "W- would I--" His words failed him as a million possibilities sparked through his mind. All the things he had given up through years of doubt and fear-- he'd been so afraid, always so afraid and. "W- would I." He knew his hands must be shaking from when they had somehow ended up fisted in Jongjin's shirt, knew that Jongjin would be caught off guard with such a reaction, but he couldn't just. "Do you mean it?" he breathed. He took a deep breath, exhaling with a shaky laugh. "I'm sorry for freaking out. I'm sorry. This is-- don't worry I'm sorry I just--"

Somewhere between all of his wanderings and failures, how did this happen? For the life of him, he had never seen it coming. He had never done something to deserve anything so pretty a cliche. Jongjin asking him out like they were teenagers. "God, I'm so stupid give me a second." It had been a very good strategy for Jongjin to place himself on Hamin's lap, because he had no idea what he would have done otherwise. He ended up tilting his head back towards the ceiling to take a few deep breaths. Nothing about that had resembled his graceful self. When he felt calmer, he got caught in a fit of giggles. "Oh god, Jong. Oh god, I've been so stupid." He had spent weeks running away and Jongjin had been-- Jongjin could be his. He could be his, even if just for a while. "I spent all this time these weeks.." There was no way he could even begin to finish any of his trains of thought, though he needed to explain once he could.

Eventually all he could get out coherently was, "Yeah.. I think I'd like that." He ran both of his hands through Jongjin's hair, loving how it sent his nerves tingling. "It's been a long couple of weeks, you have no idea."

Endings & Beginnings || self-para (ish)

Of course his first reaction upon hearing that Hamin had been spending a lot of time alone was to instantly feel concern for the other male. “You already spend so much time alone…” he started to say, but he wasn’t here to lecture Hamin about what he should or should not be doing. Of course he would have liked to hear the other’s reasons that had led him to spend more time alone but he didn’t feel he had the right to ask. He sighed. “I’m not saying that it’s bad, to spend time alone, but just…try not to isolate yourself?” That was all he was going to allow himself to say because if he was honest with himself, Jongjin wasn’t much better when it came to human interactions. Other than Hamin and Taejun, he didn’t really have anyone else in his life and he wasn’t even seeing those two often, leaving him mostly alone.

“That’s because you’re a light eater,” he chuckled, “but I’m okay with caramel popcorn for later.” He wasn’t exactly difficult when it came to food and there were not a lot of things he disliked. Caramel popcorn wasn’t his favorite, but it was popcorn and that wasn’t something Jongjin was going to ignore if it was being offered to him like this. “You should eat a bit more, put some meat on those bones of yours,” he teased because while Hamin was thin, he was nowhere near being all skin and bones and Jongjin could see that. “Plus, a good meal should give you more energy.” His smile turned into a leer.

It disappeared at the mention of Hamin receiving a bottle to the face. His face immediately transformed and his body stiffened. “You got a bottle to the face,” he repeated, voice eerily calm. “What happened to the client? Did he get taken care of? That bastard better not still have his balls attached or I swear to god I am going to find him and go cut them off myself.” He was pissed. He knew that there were violence in that field, he wasn’t innocent and had been at the receiving end of pretty fucked up behaviors but no one had dared get a bottle to his face. “Hamin, you don’t have to endure this,” he calmly said and reached out to run his hands over Hamin’s upper arms, near his shoulders. “All the shitheads who hurt you without your consent, something can be done about them you know?”

He had known Hamin for so long and it still pained him to hear such stories coming out of his friend’s mouth. To hear that he had been hurt and that somehow it didn’t seem to faze him more than it appeared. He took away his hands and brought them to the scarf, running his fingers over it. Its softness helped him let go of the tension that had previously taken over his body. And now he was sitting in a way that allowed him to face Hamin and he listened as the other told him about his resolutions after Jongjin had been unable to really say anything worthy about it. He hummed softly because what Hamin wanted seemed reasonable enough and it didn’t seem like it was something that was impossible to attain.

“Hey, you don’t have to apologize for that. I don’t think you’re being in a mood. A lot of things happen in one’s life and that can influence our mood, that’s just normal. Besides, I came here unannounced and I know it’s totally possible that you didn’t want to see anyone or something like that, yet here I am forcing you to deal with me.” He returned the quick kiss he had been granted with. “I’ve got some resolutions for you. How about going out a bit more and making some new friends? I think that would be a good resolution.” As for himself, maybe he could try to stop holding on to a past that had been slowly turning to dust and finally move on.

“So what has your introspection been about? Are you thinking about changing your career? Do you want to go to school because if that’s the case, then I am supporting you 100%.” He said that but knew it was most likely that he would support Hamin no matter what he’d want to do.

Hamin laughed apologetically. "I wasn't really trying to isolate myself." Hamin knew he preferred to be alone. A lot of his work required interactions with other people, and sometimes that was tiring. That was why even normally he needed the remnants of his nights and early mornings to himself to work things over. His worst mistakes happened when he hadn't taken enough time to think. "I just felt like I was letting things get out of control, and I wanted to make sure I fixed it before anything happened." The last time Jongjin had been here on his couch-- well, it had given him a lot to think about. They had a lot of possibilities between them now, but Hamin had determined that they needed time to keep everything on the table. It would be easier for both of them if he kept his small four letter word to himself, in the hopes that he would come to his senses.

"People like me for my current stature, thank you very much. And as for energy, I think it would take a whole lot more than food to fix that." Hamin's eyes curved. Jongjin teasing was always a pleasant welcome, one that he could barely act displeased about. He felt at loss when the smile faded. Though he kept eye contact well, Jongjin's voice sent a visible shudder down his spine. "I didn't ask what happened to him, so they didn't tell me," he replied quietly. He hadn't really cared about the guy, since he knew that he'd never be booked again. It was a contract violation, not something personal. "Well-- it's not. Usually it's not without my consent. I mean, that's why I was confused about my reaction." He knew that getting hit with glass should be the surprising thing, but it wasn't. "I know that's not a nice thing to hear either, so I'm sorry." The more he talked, the more he felt like Jongjin was going to be angry with him, and he didn't want that.

Lots of different scenarios had run through his head over the last few days. He knew that he loved Jongjin-- as stupid as it was, and as badly as he knew it could end. Maybe somewhere he hoped that he could just wait for a miracle, for it to be returned. However, he knew that a miracle like that wasn't so simple. It'd still be hard. Things would still be painful. He knew that more than likely he wasn't even right for Jongjin, had nothing to offer him. So it had to be logical then to prepare for failure. He had no idea if Jongjin would know, if he would be able to tell him in the end. Hamin did know that if Jongjin wasn't going to be his, he needed to be ready. He had come into Jongjin's life as a friend, and if he was needed, he'd always be a friend. Learning to move on wasn't exactly the right terms, because he didn't plan to move on, and knew he probably wouldn't. Just whatever happened, he wanted to be alright-- or seem alright enough to be supportive. That had been the purpose of his absence, and he wasn't sure yet if the walls were solid enough to hold.

"You're never forcing me to deal with you. If you're going to insist I leave isolation, I'm certainly not doing it with anyone else." Hamin sighed. As he got up to go fix popcorn, he turned his head over his shoulder to hear. Immediately he made a face. "Jongjin, you wound me, you really do." It seemed like from all sides of his life there were pushes to get out and be social. He learned as a teenager that social interactions were the root of all evil. "Maybe I don't wanna make friends," he whined, letting his face fall into a pout. "I do admit I miss clubs. I'll take you up on that one." Casual interactions he was gold at. Admittedly, it was because he got pleasure out of deceiving innocent souls, but at least that was something. "I just can't do friends. I only get along with suspicious characters, you know." Hamin laughed teasingly. Somewhere he'd found a place to fit between Jongjin's gruff softness and cat fights with Taejun.

His introspection, right. It had been a record time since he had lied to Jongjin, and it had been so nice. "I haven't thought much about changing careers. If I gave up either, I don't think I would know what to do with myself at all." Knitting could only take up so much of his time. School had been something he had toyed with, but it seemed so unrealistic. Everything seemed so unrealistic. He couldn't see himself working a normal job or living a normal life. Especially not by himself. He'd end up going insane. "I did regret not being able to go to school, but I don't know if that makes it the best choice for me right now. Maybe I'll have it figured out sometime soon though." He ran his fingers through his hair, eyes resting on his own feet. "My thinking time didn't really end up bringing me to any good conclusions it seems." He blinked and frowned after he put the bag in the microwave and turned it on. "Enough talking about me, you didn't say yours. You have to blather about your resolutions or I'll really start to feel bad. Should I help you pick?" Hamin leaned his back against the counter. "Why don't you play guitar as much as you used to? That's an easy one to start." He pulled a large bowl made of clear plastic down from the cupboards. "I have to think of something harder." The timer went off, and he gingerly picked up the bag by the corners and dumped it into the bowl. When he returned to the couch, he settled down at a similar distance he had before, which was noticeably strange for him, since he was never the type to keep his distance.