zero-based

the growth of a crazy self-re-constructor

[selfreconstructor]

Ano ba Micherra

I'm here again, sulking over the past we had. Our thesis needs attention, but my thoughts about you are here again, bugging me every single time I hear, or even overhear things over our matters. Oo, thesis group mates tayo pero wala ka pang sinusubmit alam mo ba yun. Nasstress na kami pero bakit di mo kami maramdaman? Charot. Sino ba naman kaming thesis group mates mo sa list of priorities mo 'no? Were you really "my one that got away"? I don't know. Maybe this is how it should actually feel after a break-up.. but eight months after? No. I should've learned how to forget you, or probably our thoughts at this moment pero hindi ganun eh. I'm still here you know. Natrigger siguro 'to nung conversation namin nila Lanz and Kuya Marco at the warehouse today. Baka dahil rin yung contestants kasi sa Wowowin ngayon ay cute couples. (so what) (ok kasi nga couples daw.. na cute. ediba cute tayo noon). Tapos yung bagong ad ng Globe tungkol sa second chances chenes. Ugh, dapat okay na ako ngayon eh. Bakit ba hindi pa rin ako okay. Bakit ba naaalala pa rin kita at bakit nalulungkot pa rin ako. Bakit. Puro bakit na lang ako. Alam kong masaya ka na sa bago mong mahal. Wish ko talaga maging masaya kayo. Pero bakit... bakit nasasaktan pa rin ako eh ako naman yung nagtulak sa'yo palayo? I'm taking all the blame. Alam ko, ako talaga yung nagkamaling pakawalan ka pero bakit hindi ako masaya. Bakit nandito pa rin ako. Bakit kahit pinipilit kong maging busy eh sumusulpot ka pa rin sa mga alaala at mga salita ko? Lintik na first of all firsts yan. 'Di ko na alam paano papasok sa sistema ko na tama na, wala na akong babalikan. May iba ka nang mahal at masaya ka na sa iba. Sa sobrang nice niya, wala akong ibang masabi at mahiling kundi ang maging masaya siya sa'yo/ o kayo. "Pray, pray, pray" yung image niya sakin. Mga ganung level kaya wala akong masabi. Wala naman rin siya kinalaman satin noon. Ngayon lang. Haha. Well played. Hindi ako nagmamadali pero sana hindi ko na kailangan pang maisip ka every now and then. Ano ba naman. Wala na akong ibang ginawa kundi i-divert 'tong mga feelings feelings na 'to. Ano ba, priorities kamo bukambibig ko pero eto ako, rendering time para lang maisulat yung mga thoughts ko na 'to. Ugh. Bakit mo kasi kailangan i-show off sakin si Yap noon bwisit 'di ako maka-get over kahit sinabi na ng iba na friends lang naman daw talaga kayo. Malay ko bang aabot kayo sa meet the parents stage sa Pampanga tapos friends lang daw. Alam mo namang 'di ako ganun pero sige, ano nga naman pake mo sa values ko that time 'no? Hahahahahahaha cheret. Wag ka mag-alala, so far I can still breathe the same air as hers lalo na kapag ExMar class tuwing Sabado. Odiba ang bait ko pa for not grabbing her by the hair sa tuwing nakikita ko siya. Sorry ha, sobrang bad ko na ba. K. Kiber, malapit na rin naman ako mag-intern. (so happy!) Kung di mo yun ginawa, mas okay na siguro sana ako ngayon pero ewan, I feel like you wished for my despair rin naman since I've hurt you so much kasi. Feeling ko lang naman. Not judging you ok. Charot. Ok, sige na sige na ako nga ang may mali. And the story repeats. Hahahaha nako puso ko pls. Micherra, tama na kakabigay ng meaning sa mga bagay-bagay. Kahibangan ko lang ang lahat ng ito. Had to let this all out of this beating chest dahil nahihirapan na ako huminga. Charot. De kasi kailangan clear yung utak ko for Straman okay. Promise tinatry ko naman na talaga mag-move on. Hahahaha ang haba na pala. Kbye. "Only know you love him when you let him go" nga ata talaga. Sepanx, badtrip.

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Again

So why do I have to keep missing you? We're over for over seven months now. Yes, I still think about you. On most days, I still unconsciously speak or dream about you. How can I even focus on my present if my past kept bugging me? I told myself before that I'll move forward just as fast as how everyday goes. Forgetting about our memories was expected of me - you're over me so what good will it bring me if I live with this reminiscing heart. I'm fragile and weak, yet I have been trying my best. You held so many firsts in my life. Just thinking about that drags me in the memory lane every single time. Every single day feels like I have something to commemorate about the past three years. Loving can hurt, really. It hurts to see you un-love me and see you love your new-found grace (or Grace). Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against her. She's nice and she's out of the mess we've made. I should be happy you met a nice woman. But then again, what good would it bring me if I linger on my left feelings, right? Oh someone send some help please. Or maybe don't - I know I can and I have to stand up from this fall alone. It's been a while since I wrote notes for you. I was thinking that continually doing this wouldn't help me heal the wounds of yesterday, but then today, I cannot start doing my requirements without letting these words out of my bursting mind. I should be happy, I know. I should know how to pull myself up. I should know my place in people's lives. No, I'm not as messy as before when you gave up on me, but the pieces of my heart are still on the ground. I’ve been doing really great lately. My friends cleaned some of the mess for me, but there are sharp edges in which no one else but me can pick up to prevent them from getting hurt. I need a proper closure. And when I say proper, I need the most honest side of you. I need to know why I am still stuck here. I want answers yet I do not want to open everything up anymore. Aigoo, I am so lost at times like this.

Wala nga namang “tayo” so bakit pa diba. Tara kdrama na lang, mga bes. Joke lang ang busy ko talaga. Huhu. Tara tulog, Michelle.

[selfreconstructor]

Ang rami nga naman kasing nakialam at nakikialam.

Karen B.

[selfreconstructor]

Status: Waiting

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Current lock screen. 💬

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Should I?

Should I go for it or not? Should I redeem myself and our lost love? Should I still chase you? Should I still make up with our lost time? Should I make the first move? Or Should I wait for you to do it? Should I do it now? Or Should I wait for longer months? Should I let time pass by indefinitely? Should I risk things again?

Oh dear, I am lost.

[selfreconstructor]

Uhm... FB??

I don’t quite know why but your name’s still always on the top of my chat list in Facebook. I think it’s pretty odd because it’s been a while since we last conversed there. Does it really mean we had talked so much that even Facebook got used to our routine? Haha ok, this is just me, giving endless meanings to every single detail that’s related to me and yeah, you. Oh and uhm, you might not be aware but your “other” Twitter account has been on my “Who to Follow” list for the past days as well. Ha Ha Ha

[selfreconstructor]

Very wrong.

me

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Sad mad

Kainis naman. Ilang beses mo pa akong hinawi kanina para hindi matamaan ng kung anumang bagay na posibleng makasakit sa akin sa daan. At that point, damang-dama ko.. Damang-dama ko yung care mo na matagal ko nang huling naramdaman. Tapos mababasa ko yung note mo last Saturday? How amazing, man. Sobrang #feels again and again. </3

[selfreconstructor]

Yes, I have to post this tonight - Tonight when Epidemic’s happening tomorrow, Tonight when my Agora Entry is due tomorrow, Tonight when I’m cramming things for the pageant, Tonight when we actually got the chance to work together again, physically, Tonight when you randomly offered me a drink, Tonight when I saw your March 5 note.

Oh dear, I’ve been trying my best to keep my mouth shut and my fingers busy just so I wouldn’t have a chance to say my thoughts. But that note was very heartbreaking. Yes, you’ve managed to stab this little heart of mine every single time you say things about me, or us. I am dying on the inside.

I tried and I failed. I hope you’re truly happy.

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Uhm

Kindly message/ talk to me when you see this. I have something to tell you. A simple Hi would do.

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Sunken

Would it help if I tell you “I miss you.” now? Would it pinch even an inch of your heart? Would it change your mind if I say “I want you back.”?

Hu hu I’m sinking.

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I have been really craving for a choco hug. I guess a bag of chocolates plus a bag of potato chips would be best now. 

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Such inadequate conversations of the mind.

http://bit.ly/1bwz2XC

[selfreconstructor]

Untitled

Sorry talaga pero madalas ‘di ko na kaya itago yung emotions ko para sa’yo, Poy.

So I saw your new Twitter account tonight. Well actually, tonight might not be the best time for me to see those stuff of yours. Or today, rather.. ‘cause I saw something in school that I didn’t like to see. It was you and... well, never mind. Who cares, it has already been days (or weeks) since I first felt about it.

I’ve been trying to pour my heart out through a journal entry for the past few nights but obviously, I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t even restart my AYA-JMA entry that’s long been due. Oh well, my nights are consistently very unproductive.

I wish I didn’t have to deal with these kinds of feelings every day and every single moment I see or even think about you. I mean, it’s getting harder and harder for me to accept that I’ve lost you - that you gave me up and I lost half of the friendship. I wish I could wear a sign around my chest saying “Poy and I are over. Please don’t look for him through me. Things change and so are we.”

It still hurts, of course, because I’ve opened up too much of my life to you that I don’t know how to get out of it anymore. At this point, I should say that I’m happy you’re moving on from all the pain I’ve caused you. But no, a part of me still wants you back. A part of me still thinks that maybe, just maybe, we could make things work again.

We have agreed to be friends, just like how things were back in our freshman year. At the beginning of Term 9, I was secretly hoping that maybe we can really be friends again. Sadly, you couldn’t even look me in the eyes anymore - even if only as a friend.

I admit - I’ve been hitting your phone up recently. Like I told you, Mishy is so weak she can’t keep her thoughts to herself. She’s been trying to see if there was at least a slim chance to fix things. Unluckily, she somehow feels like you were either very busy or too annoyed to send back a message. It’s okay, I understand. It was my fault, after all.

Oh, I might forget to mention that your makeover deeply affected me - one way or another. 

With what I’ve been seeing, I guess you’re happier now - or at least better than before we ended. I just hope that the pain ends here too - in this tiny heart of mine - whenever I see you happy without me.

[selfreconstructor]

I asked for space; he gave me an ending

Marami pa sana akong plano para sa atin, Poy. Too bad, we ended abruptly. I know I have changed you so bad - to the point where you don’t care anymore. With that, my guilt eats me up.

I’ve been trying my best to resist the urge of conversing with you. I ceased feeding my mind with your thoughts. I stopped my usual habits. You’ve been playing too good, I couldn’t keep up with it.

Dearest John Paul, I miss you so bad I wish I could go back to the night where I ruptured “us”. Oh yes, I’m still not used to say “me” instead of “we”. I’m deeply sorry, b.

[selfreconstructor]

Merry Christmas, Pops!