sirena

diary of an aspiring doctor studyblr | biomedicine | england

[selkiette]

(almost) all of my stationery ^___^

[selkiette]

an official RIP to this blog. and tumblr.

i have moved over to substack

good luck and have a nice life

[selkiette]

I've had a weird month. I saw my long distance boyfriend and now I miss him, I admitted to myself I took on more than I could handle, I reached out for help after admitting I have a problem.

I always thought I wasn't that person anymore and I had the capability to stop whenever. Unfortunately it was a misjudgment on my end, however now I can get the actual help I need. When things started affecting my academics and my career, I knew it had to stop. I am not a person who does 'casual' — I am all in and extremely intense. I am currently trying to redivert this energy towards my studies, however it proves very difficult. I did my last assignment one day before it was due and I did not even attempt all of the questions. I am beyond ashamed and disappointed in myself for the way I have been treating my academics. I cannot fall into the same trap again and again. It's my motivation to do better.

On a positive note — I had a lovely time in Sevilla with my boyfriend and caught the sun! One of the best feelings in the world is getting into a pool on a super hot day and feeling all your worries and problems melt away in the moment. The other best feeling is watching the sunset from the pool on a hotttttt summer night, alongside your beloved. Water is so healing for the soul and I think these moments will be so helpful in my recovery journey. The beauty of life shows itself unexpectedly.

Now, my focus is on myself. I spent a lot of time trying to please others, but I have seen people's true intentions now that I have a clear head. It's really a shame, but putting myself first is not something I do often and I have to be a bit selfish in order to succeed. Not everyone will want to understand this mindset, which is why it is so important to fill your life with likeminded people. I can only hope I will find some as now I am mostly alone (except for my love, however physically he is not nearby). Now, I am putting in a bit more time now for studying despite feeling low. I also have recently been learning Español and playing chess which has been keeping my brain busy. I noticed that my handwriting has gotten prettier, which does spark a little bit of joy.

[selkiette]

I swear to god this is the last time I EVER put off assignments. I must have put this shit off for maybe a whole month because I prioritised my social life over my academic success. It's really hard to balance as someone who lost a lot of years of socialising to social anxiety (and then realising I actually love it). I just love connecting with my best friend, but I need to LOCK IN now.... after this festival on Saturday..... then I'll lock in until July when I see my boyfriend for a few days. It's been a long time since I felt this stress and pressure of deadlines and dread. Awful. 0/10 do NOT recommend.

Anyway, big pat on the back to me for finishing that assignment. I don't expect above 90 this time but that's my own fault. Still, would be nice to get 85+ at least. Now I can spend time doing my hobbies. Recently I have gotten into songwriting as a form of journalling - pretty fun. I have a to-read list that's perpetually growing, and would love to go back to typing up book reviews. I do miss creative writing as a form of self expression, I think everybody could benefit from finding a way to put feelings to paper.

Tomorrow, I begin my next topic which seems a hell of a lot more interesting - acute trauma and recovery !!!!!!!!!!

[lost-rxverie]

monday | february 17

i finally sent in my application to work in one of my department's biochemistry labs over the summer - it's competitive, so i'm doing my best not to get my hopes up, but i know i'll be disappointed by a rejection no matter what. it's impossible to pursue new opportunities without opening yourself up to failure, but that doesn't make the prospect any less frustrating.

[selkiette]

19.02.25

so tired, readjusting to loneliness

caught up with my work and now ahead again ✨

[selkiette]

18.02.25

back after vacay with my love

so sleepy, but finished and submitted my assignment :) i have a good feeling about this one, hoping for 95+

[milkoomi]

elle woods moodboard. ᥫ᭡

“ what, like it’s hard? ” — 🎀

[selkiette]

24.01.25

3hr study today, my eyes hurt and i've felt tired all day with toothache :( but i finished section 3 now! another day another slay

[selkiette]

21.01.25

i have no doubt that i made the right decision!!!!!! i am loving biomed 🩷🩷

[selkiette]

changes

never fun and always scary. sometimes i do wish life was just planned out for me and i could just do what i was told. i signed up to do data science because i felt cornered and like i was running out of time as i was about to turn 25 - i also wanted to be like my boyfriend who is smart, can code and has his life together. i tried so hard to convince myself that i love it but the truth is i could never see myself truly fulfilled and happy doing that. i suck at math and i can't code, i genuinely don't know what i was thinking; i'm already struggling to understand basic concepts in my first two modules and questioning if its even the right course for me. it's embarrassing to admit to myself because the idea of being a failure is so terrifying. not only do i want to live now, but i want to succeed and i want to live the life i had planned out for myself before i let my mental health run around unchecked and ruin many things. this blog is turning 10 years old this year, and i could have achieved so much in this time. i could have become a specialist doctor by now and be practicing, i could have been great. but i don't want to dwell on the past and what could have been. it's time gone by and time that i can't get back. yes i do regret some things, but i also would not have met my love if anything would have been different. i want to succeed, and i want to become a doctor. GEM is an opportunity that i wasn't even aware of, and i've never seen a second chance presented to me so plain in sight on a silver platter. as soon as i found out it existed i genuinely felt something within me click. i can and will be a doctor just like i always wanted, and just like my parents wanted. 10 years is long enough for my life to be lost to bpd, but i can't be a victim anymore and i can see myself in med school, finally, after everything. i have such an exciting outlook on life at the moment. i'm feeling a bit strange because changes are always so difficult, and swapping to biomed means starting at chapter 1 again which i absolutely detest the idea of. i am letting myself quietly process how i feel and then putting it into a box and moving on. i only hope i can have nothing but support from others too, but i know people like to hold onto the past too. i'm so determined to start my biomed degree now, and i will get that first class hons that i know i'm more than capable of getting. we're talking about MED SCHOOL here. MED SCHOOL!!!! i can't stop smiling when i think about it. i will make my parents proud but most importantly i will make myself proud :) eep

[selkiette]

14.12.24

got to unit 5 finally, but overall pretty disappointed with how little progress i made today

tomorrow srsly gotta LOCK IN !!!!

finished @ 1:45am today

[punkkpixieprincess]

exams are finally over! (grades shown are mine <3)

[selkiette]

13.12.24

studied at work today ugh

learned stratified sampling and cluster sampling, and watched the office while doing it 😎

trying to get through to unit 5 tomorrow and make a start with the scratch (lol) section of my compsci textbook .......kill me

[selkiette]

11.12.24

had my first class at my cfg python bootcamp !!! so far so good, i tend to absorb information better in a classroom setting with practice and homework.

am i finally finding coding fun.............. we shall see........

[izzycodes]

Debug Help | Resources ✨

[fatimazainab]

Sylvia Plath, from The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath