how fucking dare you, you haven’t learned from the past? shame on you you fucking absolute insane of a person, learn to stop messing up others lives. i don’t even SEE this kid any more and i can’t believe you’re still doing this to him. leave him alone.
it’s over now yet you still haunt me. i still check up every now and then. get the fuck out of my head.
every time i see her face. every time i hear that name. every time the thought of her pops into my head. she is at the same time everything i ever wanted to be and someone i never want to become. she doesn’t let me sleep anymore, constantly running through my subconscious thoughts with her pretty skinny legs, her mismatched hair, her dainty little face, her jeans, her drugs, her sorrows, and her undeniably cold heart. not only had she managed to drive me to the point of insanity years ago, but she also hurt what i loved the most. she waved him around like a fucking trophy in my face, screaming that i would never ever be her. i could never live up to her. and he was in love with the wrong one. he chased her, he stayed with her through thick and thin and she couldn’t even give him a sliver of the love he deserved back. she tortured him for years and twisted his soul inside out like he did to mine afterward. it’s changed him. he doesn’t want to treat me like her, and he treated her like a queen, a goddess, a princess, a babygirl. he’s scared of what i’ll do to him because of what she did to him. he doesn’t realize that while he was chasing her i was chasing him. he hurt me how she hurt him. i know how she made him feel because he made me feel the same. he doesn’t realize all of the sacrifices i would have made, and still would make, to be with him. she doesn’t realize how fucked up she was to him, and believed a single sorry would suffice. he wouldn’t let go. yet now, three years later, he’s in my arms, but she still won’t leave my mind. her long talks on the phone, her acts of despair, her sad songs, and her never-ending stories made up on the fly. i thought she’d left, i thought i’d kicked her out for good. i know he has. but you just can’t get off on anything other than my utter despair, can you?
you. you know how horrible of a person you are. you know what you did. you know what you continue to do. but you won’t leave me the fuck alone until i’ve lost my mind completely. in my head i will never stop comparing myself to you and always deeming you a better option when the conscious side of me knows you’re not. i will never stop regretting the times i trusted you, that he trusted you. i will never stop hating myself because you’re the most perfect human being in this fucked up brain of mine you’ve developed through your manipulation. i wish i would’ve given up. maybe you would’ve ended up together. maybe would’ve seen him for the person he truly is. but i know you. you know you. you would’ve kept him tied up as your slave from thousands of miles away until he wasted into nothing, far beyond repair. far more broken than you left him when i stepped in. and the truth is, i want to forgive. but to forgive, i must forget, and to forget, i must forgive, but i can’t force myself to forgive the one that gave us all the pain we’ve carried. you see, you will never, ever let me forget. because every time i see your face, every time i hear your name, every time a thought of you pops into my head of your pretty skinny legs, your mismatched hair, your dainty little face, your jeans, your drugs, your sorrows, or your undeniably cold heart, i remember your long talks on the phone. your acts of despair. your sad songs, and your never-ending stories made up on the fly. for years, i regretted staying alive because of you. fuck you, alex. you’re the worst thing that ever happened to us.
- a tired girl going slightly insane
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