november (what day is it) 19th, 2025
it’s good to see me, isn’t it? (glinda voice).
a lot has happened. a lot needs to be filled in and maybe one day i’ll have a diary entry that doesn’t begin with an apology for my absence.
the present: i am on my last fifteen minute break of a 6-10 closing shift at home depot. im closing with hunter and my phone is dying. my break has three minutes left and i keep pausing writing this entry to text niko.
i feel like i should clarify the significance of closing with hunter.
hunter is my coworker who is a gay man. his defining traits are being stuck in 2017 humorwise, he loves asian culture (read: he’s watched kpop demon hunters and uses anime eyes filters sometimes), and recently … pheromone perfume?
apparently he found it in a box of his mothers makeup he was rifling through. he still lives with her at his big age (23?24?) — which—- who am i to speak on that…
but, like— he’s not even doing school. he just works at home depot and lives with his mom. what the fuck. i feel mean, right now— but c’mon. at a certain point…
anyways. my break timer just went off. i’m going to go back to the desk and clean some so we can do nothing for the last hour.
it’s currently 1:53. wait — no it’s not. it’s 2:16.
see, i started this section of the entry and then niko texted — then squid called. they want to play minecraft— so i made some kraft cup macaroni and i’m waiting on my computer to boot up. squid wants us to try a modpack — collin insists that he’s on crack if he thinks the modpack will work. this should be fun.
the macaroni is good but i’ll need to get something more later. it’s not a lot.
right now all i’m concerned with is the fact that i have to go… somewhere…? to get a part of nikos birthday present. i really don’t remember the name of the place but i know it’s at least thirty minutes away. maybe twenty? maybe it’s thirty from nikos house but twenty from mine…?
regardless — i need to go. my computer’s being fussy and probably wont load minecraft. i’ll have to do that later tonight. for now— let me just write my damn diary entry that i keep putting off.
the beginning of the past:
okay. so. let me go and read my old entry. let me go and see what the last things i told you were.
after checking — it was all mundane and useless to what i have to say now. bruh.
dallas fanexpo 2025: you met a lot— a *lot* of people. in particular, you met a friend group of people who were into hetalia. blahblahblahblah. you got close — karaoke, waffle house, birthday parties, another con!
you went a date with this girl who you’re not at all compatible with — you found out one of the friend group members is fully unironically an enjoyer of incest — you tried to talk it out— you ended up disappointed.
this is all so much to say that your friendships that had developed just a few months earlier are now in a deadzone.
and the worst part is…? you’re writing this entry AFTER you coped with it!!!
this diary will never be as juicy as you’d like if you can’t bother to update it WHILE things are happening..! get! with! the! program!
we’ve covered the present and the past… i guess. it feels weird. i don’t feel fulfilled in writing this right now.
i honestly feel disappointed in myself.
ohh, right. the present. the present where i’m pretty unhappy! i was so focused on laying out the groundwork to explain my friends situation that i forgot what this was all about. me. my diary.
i fucking hate college, man. it’s super unfulfilling in a way that i can only blame the whole rachel-and-jake-telling-everyone-i’m-schizophrenic ordeal for. i think that whole uprooting terminated all my passion for anything college related. not to mention… it is hard to work with this economy. it honestly pisses me off that i’m working this hard and still have to waste some time on school — yes, yes— i know— it’s not a waste. i know.
and i’m sure if i’m reading this years down the line and i wish i’d been more vigorous with my schooling, this whole section feels so stupid and petty. but my god. if you don’t remember, let me enlighten you — this shit is making you borderline suicidal. it’s hard. even writing this makes me feel like shit.
i think a big part of it is shame. i don’t know. i don’t want to give it all up, truthfully. i just know myself. i know how it goes.
in fact— i knew how it would go back when i was crying at the BHS counselors office about not knowing how college works because i was convinced i’d kill myself before i got the chance so i never bothered learning about it—- after graduating. its all so humiliating to think i knew better at 17 than i do know.
i knew that when i got into college, i would eventually get depressed and start flailing around with my grades. i knew it’d end up miserable. but i still tried and here i am proving my most pessimistic self right. that’s so depressing and sad. that i was more correct when i didn’t believe in myself.
but i want to be stronger than this.
all this crying aside, im going to complete my uaccb degree. i’m going to graduate from uaccb and then from there i can figure out what i want to do with myself. until then, here’s the plan —
steady job, steady school, steady me.
i’ve been flirting with the idea of a gap semester after my degree — or at least calling it that while my family learns how to cope with me being done with college. i don’t know. i just want it over. really, i do.
that was really depressing, sorry. but it’s where i’m at. i hate it here. also, your tires are like half or most of your savings. and you kind of need new ones. yes— it doesn’t end.
im not at all ready for a girlfriend but… i do want one. at least, i want an idealistic fantasy of having a girlfriend. i don’t want the real thing.
i think im gonna leave this here. im only throwing a pity party and spiraling. i think ill stream more ttpd because it’s rainy.
i’m gonna try and update once a week. maybe more. i dunno.
