That's me, I am Ju

I am messed up, my life used to be a nightmare and I am just trying to ease the pain by writing down my feelings and posting a ton of shit | I have a poetry related blog poemsexpressingfeelings.tumblr.com

[belmasworld]

[sempiternalsunrise]

So yes, I grew up in constant fear.

The fear of being too loud to bear, to happy, too joyus, too annoying in my father's eyes.

I was taught the fear of claiming too much space, the fear of feeling too much to be loved.

I grew up quickly in a home where I had to constantly walk on eggshells. Be quiet. Not having friends over, keeping my head down and seeking a way of escape.

Making my self smaller and smaller so my presence wouldn't upset anymore. So I wouldn't outshine my sister. Taking care of my older sister. Having to grow up to take care of my older sister.

Learning that as lomg as there are others with issues, my issues aren't the priority.

I want safety but I can't handle safety because I'm unfamiliar with it. So I went for guys who didn't offer what I needed, who might have been abusivr and I was unhappy. And the guys that offered what I need I got unhappy with too, not trusting the peace, waiting for the catch.

I can't handle being alone very well, so I jump at every nice gesture, every ounce of attention. And ultimately I enter relationships way too quickly.

And after I was taught to keep myself small, I was told to aim for greatness.

-5th of Oct. 2025

[sempiternalsunrise]

A few words.

That's all it would take.

A few words to set me free.

And yet I'm still too afraid to say them aloud.

[sempiternalsunrise]

Yesterday I realised something. I have many unsaid things inside of me and what I want above anything else is for you to know that I am still awfully sorry for what I did. I can't rid myself of the guilt, I can only make sure to never do it again since atonement is quite impossible.

[sempiternalsunrise]

Big steps

I made a choice to start taking antidepressants in January. I've been thinking about it for about ten years but was too afraid of the sideeffects until now.

I think I am really starting to like myself. I am starting to not be afraid of my future (which is starting to not be an abstract concept anymore, hooray!) +.

Also, the more I get comfortable in my own skin, the more I notice discrepancies. Things I used to overlook out of convenience, behaviours I don't want to accept anymore, charactertraits that I perceive as outright bad.

what am I supposed to do with that now?

[sempiternalsunrise]

I think I got bitterness inside of me.

[yuyuuyuyuu-deactivated20230726]

stop asking me how everything is going, i don’t know i’ve been ignoring it

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— Melissa Cox

[ecnerret]

[dumblr]

suddenly i don't want anyone to know me as deeply anymore, which is weird because i have always yearned for someone to understand my soul.

[quantum-bliss]

I am always painfully waiting for something unexplainable to happen, something magical, something unlikely, a miracle of some sort, to save me from everthing, to save me from everyone, to save me from myself.

[sempiternalsunrise]

Two months and I'm starting to be somewhat unhappy again, ahahahaha

[sempiternalsunrise]

You still have something of mine and I would need it but it's been so long. And I still can't face you, haha

[sempiternalsunrise]

To my love S.

The way we talked with another, the love, the honesty, it made things so much harder. It made me think that maybe, only maybe, if we would have talked to each other like this earlier, we could have made it work.

The softness you showed me when we broke up, made me love you even more. It made me fall in love with you again.

I just hope that you're doing okay, that you'll be happy again.

But a part of me wishes that we will meet again and that when we meet, that our wishes will align and I'll have you forever.

I wish that you'll get in touch with yourself, I wish that you'll learn to connect to yourself and that one day you'll truly love yourself.

I somehow hope this will find you. I love you. If our situation changes, please call me. I'd welcome you with open arms.

[sempiternalsunrise]

Please, for once,

don't let me grow next to someone,

instead,

let me grow with someone.

[sempiternalsunrise]

For growing next to someone

who,

despite encouraging you to grow,

refuses to look inwards,

is nothing else

than growing apart.

[sempiternalsunrise]

"There's just no way...

...we could go back, you know...

...before it happened."

– Sam Winchester (Jared Padalecki) - Supernatural s2e17

[crinkledletters]

maybe the whole point is allowing it to hurt. maybe it's allowing yourself to open up, to trust, to be okay with needing people. maybe it's being afraid of showing your true colors but doing it anyway. maybe it's being messy and true and going with your gut. maybe it's creating, maybe it's being silly, maybe it's those fragments of joy between all the frustration. and maybe, just maybe it's being who you wanna be.