I've seen a lot of posts that relate to the topic. Still struggling with ROCD, HOCD was something I struggled with so hard. It was one of the hardest things I went through, and I got through it twice. I've always called myself straight, because I've been interested only in men since I was younger. So when my mind is in an anxious state, I'm convincing myself of something I don't want to be true. I love and accept gay people, but the lifestyle isn't for me! For example, we had a friend in the group who was bisexual. I had a thought like, what if I just kissed her? And it freaked me out, because it was something I didn't want to do. Then it convinced me I liked girls, strictly because she was bisexual and it triggered me to have anxious thoughts about my sexuality, doubting I liked men. Anyone who likes girls, or the same sex really triggered me to have anxious thoughts about being gay, because I didn't wanna be. I just wanted to be happy with my boyfriend. The thing about ocd that I learned, is that it's always things you can only figure out yourself. You want answers, you figure things out for months on end, trying to get the end result you want. Our obsessions is not a physical thing. Someone can spot out a bruise on your arm, but can't tell you you're not gay, you're not a pedophile, or even a murderer (just going off of main ocd topics). It's because we fear we are these things. There are 2 different things about being a closeted gay and being ocd: being scared of coming out and fearing you're gay. And it sounds so fucked up and almost offensive, but it's not meant to be that way. And I hope I don't offend the gay community because I fully support people who are (we have so many gay friends in my group that I love and adore), it's just the anxious thoughts get in the way of me being able to love my boyfriend the way I wanted to. The way to get over HOCD, however, is tricky. One of my ticks was asking people for reassurance which was embarassing, but talking about it is something that honestly helped me get to recovery. Talking about it helps believe it or not. I talked about it to my mom and it was so embarassing, but in your head it feels so real. I remember being so depressed, crying, I lost a lot of weight because of my obsessive thoughts. Remember, it's about getting the thought out is what will help you achieve getting it away. You can only think of one thought at a time. Trying to solve your obsessive thoughts will also make you contradict yourself. You know when you say, "You know, I'm not gay. I've always liked boys/girls, this is just ocd." Then a couple seconds later, ocd comes to play and says, "but what if it's not ocd?" This is because you're trying to figure it out instead of accepting the thought, and carrying on with your day. Let the thought be there, show your brain it's not bugging you, it'll help. It takes a lot of practice to do it too. And lastly, going on walks and listening to positive uplifting music helps a lot when you're obsessing. Take your mind off of the obsession and listen and enjoy your favorite music. (Kpop is one genre of music I listen to because I can't understand the lyrics since it's in Korean, hence it helps me not worry if I can relate to a song or not). Drink a LOT of water too! I noticed on days I had more water, the less I was anxious and the less obsessive I was, and I enjoyed my day with my boyfriend. Remember, the good days can be your everydays. It all takes time.
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