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@senselessfears
What if I can’t forget you?
Caraphernelia // Pierce the Veil
Hey guys, sorry for the lack of posts and the lack of responding to messages. I am suffering from really bad hocd right now, I've been to anxious to write or think. I've been breaking down a lot lately. I will respond when I have time, I'm sorry. I'm just at the point with my ocd where I cannot take it anymore.
Sorry if I haven't gotten back to my messages. I'm really struggling with my ocd today and yesterday. I will message you guys tonight. I'm just so depressed. If you would have met me 3 years ago, I would tell you how happy I am. How free I was. How I was so in love, nothing could go wrong. And now I'd tell you I'm scared of being gay, a pedophile, a murderer. Because my mental disorder likes to convince me I'm those things. When all I am is human. And I wanna be free. But I can't because my ocd won't let me.
My battle with ROCD: Tips, symptoms, and what you can do to be rocd free!
I got a message yesterday from a user that inspired me to write my struggle with ROCD. It was a horrible 10 months that I went through this, and I'm happy I'm out of that rut now. ROCD can go a couple different ways, but most of the people I have talked to struggle with not knowing if they wanna be with their partner. My ROCD started last year around Christmas time when my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to be with him still, which I said yes, but I felt doubt. I was very anxious that day, struggling with some other ocd patterns I couldn't get over. That started the never ending loop of doubt that I wanted to be with my boyfriend. Most people who suffer from ROCD, don't know if their partner is the one for them. They doubt their feelings, love, and emotions towards their partner based off of one thought. The what ifs block their true emotions for their partner, which makes it hard to remove the thought, causing anxiety. Something I did when I was having doubts, I constantly said "I don't wanna be with him" in my head, and then correct my thought which was "I do wanna be with him" to check how I feel and if I felt any different. That's the thing you DON'T wanna do with ROCD or any type of OCD: correcting your thoughts. The more you fight it, you create more anxiety and you really feel like you're losing yourself. You are lessening your chances of losing the obsessive thought of not being in love with your partner, and actually starting to believe that your thought is true! Something interesting about ROCD, is that the people who I have talked to and helped with this type of ocd, is how much this issue is bothering them. Some of the questions are: - Do I still love my partner? - Am I in love with my partner? - is this ROCD? Or is this my true feelings? - Will it go away? I was madly in love, what happened? - Why am I not attracted to my partner anymore? - Why can't I feel for my partner anymore? - Am I gay/straight? It is very common for people with rocd to stop feeling for their partners. They stop feeling attracted, in love, ect because all of those feelings are masked with anxiety. Most of these people or stories I've read have said that they feel sad, they cry a lot, the want the thought out. And some even think about ending the relationship to see if it will make the doubts go away. Which leads me to my point that all of these questions (or doubts) are in fact an ocd pattern. the person usually values their relationship so much, which is why these obsessive doubts are so hard to get out. If you did not love your partner, these thoughts wouldn't bug you so much. When you are having an obsessive doubt, you can tell with your body, with the typical heart racing, dry mouth, feeling warm or sweaty, the typical anxiety feelings. But some, like in my case, get completely numb to it after a while, and stop feeling so anxious about it, but still have the obsessive thought in your head 24/7. And that's when ROCD gets scary! Pay attention to your mind. Are these thoughts obsessive? Are you constantly thinking about this thought no matter what you're doing, and they're bothering you? Keep in mind how much these thoughts are obsessive and how often you get them. Do you get more obsessive around your partner or when they're away? My best advice to ANYONE who has ROCD is to STAY PRESENT when they are with their partner. Allow yourself to have fun and be in love with your partner. When you are obsessing, you're not in the moment, you're somewhere else. Show these thoughts are are in control. Thoughts are not real. They are meaningless. I hope this post helped anyone with their struggle with rocd. You can beat it, I promise you!
Harm OCD, symptoms, tips, and the whole 9 yards.
I have some time before I have to clock in for work, so I thought I'd talk about my experience with harm ocd. So trigger warning, this is about harm ocd obviously, and if you are triggered by these kind of things, please stop reading! I'd hate for this to effect someone and create an obsession. When my ocd first started acting up really bad, I had bad thoughts regarding the ones I love a lot, or people that my loved ones love. They were very violent and I couldn't get it out of my head. I work in a restaurant, so seeing knives triggered me to think bad thoughts. I was often scared of carrying them to the knife station because I was scared of tripping and hurting someone when I didn't mean to. So I would hurry and cover the knives so in case I was to accidently fall, I wouldn't hurt anyone. Whenever I see knives, I don't wanna be around them. Last night I was carving a pumpkin and I had to step away because I was scared of accidently hurting and the obsessive word "kill" was in my head, and I didn't wanna think about it. I hate eating steak because there are knives involved, or any food that requires them. I'm always scared I'm going to hurt someone when I don't want to! But other times, I'm really fine. I also saw that watching the news or horror movies (which I love) triggered violent thoughts and I was worried I would do the same. I'm scared that the movies will turn me into a monster, and that I will act on these thoughts. Here's the important part about harm ocd that many people need to realize: you are not what your thoughts make you out to be. When I get an anxious thought regarding harm ocd, my stomach turns into knots. Everything is quiet. I can't not think normally, because I feel like I'm lying to myself. Which is what makes it obsessive, is fighting this horrible thought. This is where you need to stop correcting your thoughts. You aren't convincing yourself you are not a killer, you're actually making yourself believe you are. The cool thing about harm ocd though, proves you are an amazing human being because you don't want to hurt anyone. You would never hurt anyone, and the fact that these thoughts are making you sad, scared, ect, proves that you would never hurt anyone in a million years, and you don't want to! Thoughts are meaningless. They have no feelings, emotions, or anything like that. You haven't done anything wrong. Everyone gets intrusive thoughts. And it's easier said than done. Something that helped me was changing gears when I would get a bad thought. When I would think about something in the harm ocd catergory, I would change my thought. I would say oh, I'm going to cut myself....a bagel because bagels are yummy and thats what we use knives for! If I got a violet thought about hurting someone, I would change the thought into something silly with them. Those thoughts made me happy! Something that also helps me is my breathing. When you're obsessing, your heart races right? Head hurts, sweaty, ect. You are not present when you're obsessing. Your head is somewhere else. Stop. Focus on your symptoms physically. Look at what's happening with your body. Are these symptoms of anxiety. If you answer yes, think about how obsessive the thought is. Are you constantly thinking, correcting, checking? If you answer yes, ask yourself, "What am I doing right now?" Focus on whatever your doing in the present. Remind yourself this is your mental disorder. Breathe. Stay present. The best advice I can give anyone with ocd is STAY PRESENT! It really does help when you get the hang of it. You all are beautiful people. You have ocd! But it does NOT have you.
Good morning!
Currently just listening to music, getting ready for my day. I'm going to the hotel with my boyfriend and friends today and I'm pretty stoked. I'm still obsessing a little. Last night I had some scary harm ocd thoughts because we were carving pumpkins and I had to walk away from it because I felt fucking insane. It was so scary, but thankfully it went away after we ate dinner. Remember, your thoughts aren't you. They aren't actions. They aren't feelings. They are simply thoughts. You aren't acting on anything. The reason you feel so much stress in your body is because you don't wanna do what your thoughts are convincing you to do. You have a mental disorder. If you were crazy, you would feel no remorse or anything! Ocd works in crazy ways, but you're a good person. Breathe and be present. Wish me luck tonight, I wanna try to have fun without fucking worrying for once about stupid shit.
R/H/P/OCD/Update/Symptoms
Hey guys! Sorry for not updating for a couple months. I got really busy with my life and I actually felt pretty ocd free for the summer, but it came back full force and I'm feeling just down, so I thought I'd make a post about MY ocd Symptoms so then others can relate to me. When I am obsessing about a thought that is bothering me, I usually feel a lot of things: - My stomach feels like it's in knots, or I ate a lot. I feel almost full? I know that sounds weird, but when I'm obsessing, I don't want food or to eat. My stomach almost feels sick. - My mouth is dry and my teeth clamp together. - My heart races. My heart beats super fast and my chest feels tight. The more anxious I feel, the faster my heart races. - Sometimes, and this hasn't happened in a while, I get really bad headaches from thinking so much. - I constantly feel the need to confess my thoughts or worries. It's like the only way I'd feel better is confessing what I'm worrying about WHICH IS BAD! So when you feel the need to confess, do not, I repeat, do not go confess your obsessive thought. It puts you in a never ending loop and is only temporary relief. I've found it only helps for a while until a new thought or worry comes up. And as much as we feel better, it is a ritual and in order to get over the thought, is by not doing the compulsion. (I hope I wrote this right????) - Feeling constant guilt. I feel like I will be hated, looked down upon, and that I'm a horrible person who doesn't deserve love or happiness. the guilt makes me wanna cry because I feel like a shit person. - Comparing thoughts. I compare to see what thought is worse than the other in order to get rid of the obsessive thought I'm having. - Doubting what's going on is ocd and it's really me when I'm clearly obsessively thinking about this thought 24/7. Hopefully some of you can relate to what I'm posting, because I know it sort of helps me by googling other people's stories to see if I can relate. Which is another compulsion. I find myself googling my symptoms to make sure nothing is wrong with me. And I need to stop that. These are just some of the things I'm feeling currently. It feels good writing em down. I'll probably end up making more posts. If you want another post like this, message me. I love to share my experience with my ocd and help make people feel less alone.
Not ocd related, but almost.
I feel kind of shitty. Just got home from a walk with friends and my bf. My friend likes this girl I've known for like my whole life and so she's been around a lot lately. We got ice cream and the wind in the car kept blowing in my face and I kept saying, I'm getting hair in my mouth. It kept going into my ice cream and I got irritated. My bf rolled his window up and my friends kept his down, which was fine, it kept my hair back. Then I mentioned my ice cream was lumpy (mcdonalds quality anyone?) And then this girl had the guts to say I complain a lot. I wanna be like, bitch, if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't even be where you are today. With an almost bf. Friends. Or anything. And it kind of hurt me because everyone laughed and it wasn't funny to me. I just said I didn't like my hair in my ice cream :p And everyone keeps cracking jokes about my dad, who is going blind, about him not being able to see, and it almost makes me not wanna hangout with anyone. I wonder if my friends think I'm annoying and idk, it just made me realize how little I mean to these people. :c I wanna cry
Hey guys!
Short update: my ocd is taking a chill to where I can live. But...I still am in constant worry. But....I'm living again. :) My best advice to all of you struggling: stay present. When you're worrying, your brain is making you worry. When you're worrying or having an intrusive thought, remind yourself that you're having an obsessive thought. Remember what you're doing, how you're feeling (or wanting to feel) and focus on that. The less attention to the obsession, the less important it is. Hope it helped! Happy 4th of July guys, don't do anything stupid, haha! c:
Short update.
I got work in 30 minutes and I'm currently just sitting here waiting to start. I have no idea how I'm getting home. I'll either walk or have to call for a ride home, I don't know how it's going to happen. Yesterday, I miscommunicated with my boyfriend which resulted us not seeing each other, although I came to puppy classes with him, but he still continued to give me sort of an attitude. I'm nervous for some reason. My ocd has turned to obsessing about him leaving me. I've been obsessing about it since last night. It's just giving me anxiety because I know what I did wasn't okay but I expressed it to him and idk...I get nervous. We got into a huge fight over my tattoo I got, because I wasn't happy with it. He got really mad at me and then he went to walk the dog when I asked why he wasn't talking to me and I got frustrated. This is on my body...i have the choice to be upset with the work I have. And he told me it's because it's his tattoo artist so he got all offended bc he looks up to him. We almost broke up that day, and I remember he told me that it was a bad idea that we even dated, we should have never dated, we're too different. We both ended up crying our eyes out and he said he wasn't going to leave me, he could never give up on me. Well...that scared me. Because we got into a stupid fight and idk...he says we have responsibilities now and we're getting older so we can't do stuff we used to do. Which I disagree. Just because we have a puppy together doesn't mean we can't have sex more than once every 3 weeks or when you want it. You can still pick up the phone and call me. But he told me he hates talking on the phone, and he only called me back then because it would make me happy. He was the one who always wanted to talk on the phone. He was the one who would call me. We would talk for 4 hours. Or until the 4 am. We were always texting or calling each other. He was crazy for me. I don't know what happened....and thinking about it makes me so sad. I'm almost in tears...I hate talking about it. I wish I could express how I feel without it resulting in us fighting. The other day be texted me and told me he was talking about me to his co workers. He said that he found a good woman, that he doesn't know what he'd do if he lost me. Everyone agreed that I'm pretty, and that I'm so good for him and to keep ahold of me. That girls like me don't come around often. He tells me that all the guys at his job pass comments about me, and they all wonder how he got a girl like me. So I get mixed feelings when I'm having anxiety about my relationship. I always think, great, this is the end. He's tired of me. He's going to leave me. He's going to find someone better. He's gonna be with someone else, someone else is gonna love him better than I ever could. And then there's the voice that says I can't leave him, he's never gonna find someone as good as me and he could never leave me. I just wish I could stop worrying. It's so fucking annoying.
Personal update.
I have an hour before work so I decided to write a quick post. I've been doing better? I had a really fucked up dream. And ironically, dreams have really good meanings to it. I dreamt I was bleeding everywhere (sorry if that's too much for some of you), and I couldn't stop bleeding. In my dream, I told my boyfriend, and be took care of me but I felt bad bevsuse I was lying to him. I was still nervous because I felt like I was dying. I woke up and had to look up what that dream meant. It basically means that from all the blood I was experiencing meant I was releasing all of my stress I've been holding in and that because it started to become less and less, relaxation will be coming my way. It was correct. I was very relaxed yesterday. I got my nails done, went to lunch with my bf ' s mom and we hung out after. We've been doing good. I've been able to feel for him a little more than I have been able to. But I still can't tell him what I'm going through because I don't want him to worry. But he's been supportive and lovey. We also played Mortal Kombat all night together, and talked shit online which was funny. he's been really supportive because one of our friends turned into a huge fucking cunt and has been attacking me, and so I decided it was best for me to block and delete her from all of my social media accounts, and he fully supported me and how she's been really mean to me. And I mean like talking shit on social media and knew I would see it. It's so catty. And she texted me at midnight telling me to message her but idk if I wanna talk to her. Because of her we lost one of our best friends...and it sucks. But my boyfriend is supporting me through it and it makes me happy. I noticed every week is different. And I'm still here, still fighting. Fuck you ocd, looks like you're not winning, huh?
I got a message and it inspired me to write a post tonight.
Yesterday I woke up very depressed. My obsessions were back, full force. I kind of just turned over, and I knew today was going to be one of those days. Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just enjoy my life like I used to? I used to wake up enjoying life. I wake up and hate it now. I can't have one day without fucking obsessing about something. Having anxiety about something. It's like I've stopped living. I sometimes even doubt it's ocd. Which means I have ocd. My therapist says I have ocd. When I think about my life before I got bad again...you guys...I was so happy. So in love. Nothing could tear us apart. He was my sun. He made every fucking day tolerable to live. I woke up happy. I couldn't wait to tell him I can't wait to see him, I can't wait to kiss him. I can't wait to lay down all afternoon and hold each other. Staying up late on the phone because we missed each other right away. Our relationship was the best. And my ocd hates that I'm so in love with him. My ocd was first triggered by finding another guy cute. I thought I was cheating. I cried all day. I told him and he laughed, he thought I was silly, he finds other girls pretty, but im beautiful to him and no one else mattered. I then was worried about cheating on him. I had horrible intrusive thoughts. I was scared I was going to do them or think about them. I cried. I lost weight. I couldn't eat. I hated breathing. I thought I was gay. I couldn't love my boyfriend again. I wanted this all to end. I was so scared of losing the love of my life. I wanted to live. And then the worst happened, when he asked if I wanted to be with him, my head said no but my mouth said yes. I panicked. I knew in my heart, the whole time I was scared of losing him, and I wanted to be with him. It was the doubts, I was doubting before, I felt like I was lying. That day ruined me. Two days before Christmas and here we are June 1st. Still freaking out. But I love him. I'm in love with him. And fuck some days I wish I could tell him how much he means to me. How his smile brightens my day, how his voice calms me. How I can't lose him. Especially to another girl. That girl wouldn't care how she would kiss him. Every kiss I do now has to feel right. I say I love you and im sorry until it's perfect, until it feels right to me. She wouldn't know how to take care of him like i do. But my head is so fucking evil and tells me everything i feel is a lie and I can't unthink it. And my eyes are fucking misting because it makes me depressed. He was my world. I was so fucking in love. And my ocd is ruining it for me. I'm so happy I have him still. That he still stays. I can't give up on him. I won't let ocd ruin this for me. I love him too much. And fuck you ocd for telling me otherwise. Because guess what ocd? What if this is forever? What if he is the one? Bet you didn't think of that one.
fun fact
My mental disorder isn’t my fault. I can’t control it. Stop acting like I can make it stop just because it inconveniences you.
Personal update.
I'm sitting here at the mall, waiting to go work a 9 and 1/2 hour shift, and I'm completely dreading it. I've been very anxious lately. Last night, I didn't sleep by myself because I was scared my heart was getting fucked up. It was beating so hard and it hurt. I wanted to cry, I just wanted my mom (lol) so I slept with her cause I was having anxiety so bad. My boyfriend and I got a dog. So when he's at work, I watch him and then we basically (co parent) when he's home. He bought me a donut, and I noticed it was burnt. I just jokingly said, it's burnt. They burnt my donut, and he just got a snotty look on his face, and just said I was being ungrateful and if I kept that up he's not buying me anything again. And btw...he hardly buys me things as it is. So I got mad, because I felt the way he treated me wasn't okay. Well, we didn't talk. I said what he said was rude and I didn't appreciate it. I told him were not the same anymore, he told me to stop talking and he had to leave the room. It's true...we aren't as lovey as we used to. We used to be crazy about each other. And when I write that, I get sad and get doubts that it's over...when I'm trying to avoid that. My ocd tells me it's over, when I'm sad and I don't want it to be done. We made up, and we went to bring our dog on a walk. We're training him and he's learning fast. We got home, and the puppy went straight to the bed and fell asleep. We haven't been sexually active all week. And that gives me doubts that I'm attractive enough for him, that I'm not sexy enough because the last time we had sex I had so many doubts going through my head that I couldn't even enjoy it. He decided to watch family guy instead of being intimate with me and it bugged the shit out of me. We always have sex when he wants it. And I'm bad at showing I want sex because I'm scared of annoying him. So now I'm just depressed. Not wanting to eat. And I told him how I don't wanna eat anything really. I see tattoo models and it makes me wanna just starve myself. I skipped a meal, I'm skipping another one today and hopefully he doesn't get mad. Just don't feel like eating until my break at 4. We're going out to dinner with our friends tomorrow and that even gave me anxiety. Lately...ive felt so alone. Like I have no one. I know my bf boyfriend's friends only are my friends because I'm dating their friend. My bf told me I'm bitter when in all reality, I'm being real. I'm very real and people don't know how to take it. So today I just plan on laying low and just not talking to anyone but my boyfriend. Just gotta get through work...and my annoying manager. -_-
HOCD and Relationships
I've seen a lot of posts that relate to the topic. Still struggling with ROCD, HOCD was something I struggled with so hard. It was one of the hardest things I went through, and I got through it twice. I've always called myself straight, because I've been interested only in men since I was younger. So when my mind is in an anxious state, I'm convincing myself of something I don't want to be true. I love and accept gay people, but the lifestyle isn't for me! For example, we had a friend in the group who was bisexual. I had a thought like, what if I just kissed her? And it freaked me out, because it was something I didn't want to do. Then it convinced me I liked girls, strictly because she was bisexual and it triggered me to have anxious thoughts about my sexuality, doubting I liked men. Anyone who likes girls, or the same sex really triggered me to have anxious thoughts about being gay, because I didn't wanna be. I just wanted to be happy with my boyfriend. The thing about ocd that I learned, is that it's always things you can only figure out yourself. You want answers, you figure things out for months on end, trying to get the end result you want. Our obsessions is not a physical thing. Someone can spot out a bruise on your arm, but can't tell you you're not gay, you're not a pedophile, or even a murderer (just going off of main ocd topics). It's because we fear we are these things. There are 2 different things about being a closeted gay and being ocd: being scared of coming out and fearing you're gay. And it sounds so fucked up and almost offensive, but it's not meant to be that way. And I hope I don't offend the gay community because I fully support people who are (we have so many gay friends in my group that I love and adore), it's just the anxious thoughts get in the way of me being able to love my boyfriend the way I wanted to. The way to get over HOCD, however, is tricky. One of my ticks was asking people for reassurance which was embarassing, but talking about it is something that honestly helped me get to recovery. Talking about it helps believe it or not. I talked about it to my mom and it was so embarassing, but in your head it feels so real. I remember being so depressed, crying, I lost a lot of weight because of my obsessive thoughts. Remember, it's about getting the thought out is what will help you achieve getting it away. You can only think of one thought at a time. Trying to solve your obsessive thoughts will also make you contradict yourself. You know when you say, "You know, I'm not gay. I've always liked boys/girls, this is just ocd." Then a couple seconds later, ocd comes to play and says, "but what if it's not ocd?" This is because you're trying to figure it out instead of accepting the thought, and carrying on with your day. Let the thought be there, show your brain it's not bugging you, it'll help. It takes a lot of practice to do it too. And lastly, going on walks and listening to positive uplifting music helps a lot when you're obsessing. Take your mind off of the obsession and listen and enjoy your favorite music. (Kpop is one genre of music I listen to because I can't understand the lyrics since it's in Korean, hence it helps me not worry if I can relate to a song or not). Drink a LOT of water too! I noticed on days I had more water, the less I was anxious and the less obsessive I was, and I enjoyed my day with my boyfriend. Remember, the good days can be your everydays. It all takes time.