CONNECTIONS @sentimental-being - Tumblr Blog

I haven’t had a sip of alcohol in 26 days and that is HUGE for me.

Sometimes, when you take a step back

It’s way too close

Sometimes, it’s as if changing perspectives

Is almost counterintuitive

And yet, things still fall in line

Someway or another

Trauma rolls like thunder

It’s kind of awkward in ways becoming comfortable talking about how you feel and what you’re thinking after not doing that for so long and then have people say what the hell are you going on about and criticizing your thoughts (which is all fair) but it hurts all the same because you weren’t taught to be open and constructive as a kid. I feel so pathetic at times lol

I am still a pretty trash human being lol I turn 28 this year and who knows what will happen after that. I wish for the best but am I really working towards that? Is being aware enough to make change? Is continually lying to yourself after self realization worth the turmoil day after day? Can I even jar myself away from the continued fixation of holding something up to my lips, hour after hour, taking in poisons? I have lost myself in more ways than I probably even know the only thing keeping me here is moments of clarity and connection that still feel meaningful in someway or another. Someday Im sure I’ll forget the desire to breath, it feels close sometimes, considering how I drown myself day in and out. Will my last voice speak reason or will it be regret? I’m dying, till I know.

It’s time for change in my life but I just don’t know what I care about anymore

girlsclothes-deactivated2023030

I miss being single but also miss being desirable lmao

A lot of the time I hate being able to relate to white people, but that has to do with being adopted and raised in a white household and having white relatives. At the same time I’ve gained a different perspective seeing the duality of how white people can be. Sometimes I wonder, if the death of my grandparents on either side were switched if things would be different. I don’t remember my moms mom. She grew up on an Native American reservation in Oklahoma. She was considered a pillar of the small community she lived in before her death. She made quilts much like how my mom scrapbooks now. I don’t remember my dads dad. He lived in Michigan his whole life. He built the house my dad grew up that still stands. He was a war vet and sat in a chair most of the time like my dad does now. I’m happy my moms dad stayed alive as long as he did. His love and care for me is something that has stuck with me through the years. I’m happy my dads mom stayed alive as long as she did even if she didn’t talk that much towards the end. She always showed love for her grandkids. Maybe the passing of my grandparents in the order they did was meant to be.

Dog sitting this cutie this weekend. Weird not seeing her everyday like I did for the past 4 years. She’s always very excited to see me when I visit my partner. Likes to act up more when I’m around and that’s mostly because I rough house with her more than anyone.

The amount of blogs sitting on here stagnant is like a collective time capsule.

The need to write comes at unexpected times. I have a job interview tomorrow and can’t seem to fall asleep. Grouper’s Grid of Points album is on in the background. I find Liz Harris’s music very comforting to fall asleep to. Usually it works. There’s a cricket outside my window. My fan has been on constantly since I moved back home. I probably don’t need it on all the time but the air blowing on me reminds me of the wind and breeze in Providence. I miss the windows. I seem to have gotten many more bug bites since my return home. It’s puzzling to me as I don’t remember them on the East. I’ll probably lay here for another hour.

Lately I walk around my childhood neighborhood late at night. My mom doesn’t like it, but there’s not much else to do during these covid times. Being back home in my parents home has been a test of breaking habits I can’t keep up. I’ve smoked more cigarettes since moving back than I have in recent years. Landed a job at a new Whole Foods that’s nearly two hours away on bus. Probably won’t work there if I land this other job that’s in my city. Don’t have a car and being back in California it feels very weird. I enjoy riding public transportation but I miss being closer to the heart of the city. Saving money is still something I’m terrible at and I hope that changes now that I don’t have to pay rent. My partner and I don’t live together anymore and I’m content with that. Think we got too comfortable with each other and seeing them less frequently reminds me of how it was when we first started dating. It’s exciting. I do miss her dog a lot though. I turn 27 next month and as I get older birthdays don’t mean much anymore. Just glad to be here still even if I’m not who I want to be yet.

On the road to back home to California. I keep thinking about when I first moved to Rhode Island and how scared I was to move and then how miserable I was for the first year there. I had one last hang with my closest co-workers before leaving and it’s wild to think how much I will miss them. I thought making friends in my mid 20’s would be difficult but surprisingly it was pretty easy. I think that partly has to do with me becoming more open with people and not afraid to speak my mind. Also moving away made me realize how disconnected I was from my friends back home. It’s a goal of mine to check in with them more often and start conversation that I maybe wouldn’t always start if it wasn’t face to face.

I’ve recently inherited a decent sum of money from my grandma after her passing and now I have more money then I’ve ever had. In all honesty, it scares me because I know what I want to do with it but also I don’t? It truly came thru in a time where I’ve had the least amount of money in my life so it’s such a blessing but I’m just reluctant to spend any of it. I’m for sure saving a big chuck of it and possibly investing some of it so I can make more money down the line. It’s just a weird feeling because it kind of feels like a fairy tale. It’s nowhere on the scale of the movies or stories but it’s just a weird feeling. Who knew this guy who has no association to his family other than him being adopted into the family would be “rewarded” for only that. I only hope that I can make enough money in my life where it can help my family in the future.

I come on here every once in a while expecting to do some blogging but all I think of is where I’m at and where I was and how things have changed and how I’m still very much so the person I’ve disliked for so long. I have grown but being an adult never ends and as I get older things get harder. It’s weird moving somewhere new for the first time at the age of 24. I’ve lived in Rhode Island for almost half a year already. A lot of the times I wish I lived in New York instead but I know my problems would probably stay the same if not get worse if I lived there. I started the year off overdrawn and hungry. I’ve gained a lot of weight since the move. I still hear the ocean and the cars from home. People call my crazy when I say I miss the traffic. It’s weird knowing that at such a young age I knew I wanted to die in California. My partner pushes me to be the best I can be and I forget at times that it’s because they want the best for me. We talk about the future and it feels realistic at times but out of reach a lot of the time. I still am my biggest enemy. I haven’t danced the night away since leaving home and it’s left my spirit feeling lifeless. I know not many people read this but I like to think everyone does.

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