sikkun (no one gets this reference)

he/him 🏳️‍⚧️🫶 @senyanyans on ig for art and more yaoi reviews just a blog for side rambling and venting 📮 idk #1 skip and loafer fan YAOI FOREVER ❤️

[senyanyans]

it’s always so awkward whenever somebody in my family asks me about crushes cuz tf am i supposed to say 😭😭😭😭😭 if i try to tell anyone i’m aroace ik they won’t take me seriously so like what’s the point…… the last time i “liked” anyone was when i was 11 and even then ik i was just bored and in denial about being aroace 😭😭😭 hell i didn’t even fully accept / acknowledge it until i was like 15……. anyway #yumeshipper for life but lowkey it doesn’t even hit the same anymore cuz i’ve grown so detached from the concept of romance it’s hard to enjoy self insert content especially when it’s like 90% female oriented (the other 10% is gender neutral). ik that’s a 100% me problem so i make my own slop now but i miss being able to sift through garbage on quotev back in middle school and actually being able to find some gems

[senyanyans]

saw another reel criticizing jenny han (person who wrote the summer i turned pretty and to all the boys i’ve loved before) for being self hating and white centered and it got me thinking that like. you’d think that with the amount of nerdy asian art girls there are in the bay area that there would be more webcomics or just stories in general about asian american characters from the bay but there’s not??????? like now that i think about it why is all AA mainstream media about characters from the midwest or east coast who live in majority white neighborhoods??? hello we are severely lacking in annoying california asian rep WE LITERALLY HAVE THE BIGGEST CONCENTRATIONS OF ASIAN AMERICANS WHAT IS HAPPENING PEOPLE

brah i think the issue is on one hand we have the millennials who grew up in majority white towns who wanna write about their minority experience and i’m NOT saying they can’t because i think everyone can and SHOULD write based off of their real lived experiences bc all the best writing is deeply personal and introspective imo BUT it’s not the only type of asian american experience that exists and it’s frustrating to see esp bc it seems to the only type of asian narrative mainstream media is ok with platforming??? and then on the other hand all the fangirls from california just wanna read a fuck ton of manhwa slop and make their own stupid manhwa slop and IT’S SO BORING 😭😭😭😭😭😭

it’s so interesting to me how bay area and socal asian americans can be so self aware about their own unique culture yet care so little about it at the same time???? everyone wanna talk about monoracial asian friend groups and valorant and #asian #boba #keshi and raves and ABGs and matcha but nobody actually wants to WRITE about their unique life style and experiences. we could be talking about daily life and community as a bay area asian american but nooooooooooo all everybody wants to do is equate their own culture with consumerism BRO WHY DOES SO MUCH OF AA CULTURE CONSIST OF JUST MICROTRENDS AND BUYING SHIT????

i’m pissing myself off omg 😭😭😭 YOU PEOPLE HAVE ZERO SELF AWARENESSSSSSSSS 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 AAs already have a HUGE problem with model minority attitudes and i think for a lot of california AAs it gets amplified even more bc they are quite literally the majority ethnic group in their LARGE enclaves. the vast majority of AAs DO NOT CARE to engage with the political context of their OWN EXISTENCE and when they do it’s the most insanely surface level shit like “hey white people can’t tell us to go back to our country bc ermmmm we’re smart and we work really hard unlike those lazy black and brown people!!!!!” OH MY FUCKING GOD SHUT UP 😭😭😭😭😭 ok sorry this conversation is getting derailed let me go back to what i was talking about originally

tbh it all just comes back to me wishing AAs were collectively more woke. you can perform as well as you want academically but none of that really matters to me i want less focus on stem more on humanities pls and thank you 😁😁😁 this fuckass culture bro we could be like 5 million steps ahead rn if everyone was just a little more self aware

yk what tho i can’t be complaining about a lack of AA creatives when i’m also planning on pursuing a career in medicine instead of making comics…… ugghhhhhhhgggggghhhh is this a sign that i should throw everything away and become a starving artist……. create the art you want to consume right……. yk i think this is the reason why i loved the webtoon fictional skin so much as a kid 🤔🤔🤔 i think it’s still ongoing actually but back when it was on canvas discover actually i binged the whole thing on a random summer day and i loved it so much because it was so uniquely california asian american if that makes sense???? dude it was so satisfying to come back to it years later and realize that the author is viet non-binary and from san jose LMFAOOOOOO 😭😭😭😭 no wonder it resonated with me so much

like the main characters themselves are literally regular ass AA cousins (from SF and hawaii) who are into nerdy shit and anime (if i remember correctly) and while it suffers simultaneously from desirable white love interest syndrome and emotionally abused rich heir syndrome, that in itself also feels uniquely asian american???? it’s like the influence of manga & manhwa tropes but it still feels charming in it’s own way bc instead of being served in the same old slop context it now exists within the context of a uniquely culturally asian american story if that makes sense. hell even the mean girl antagonist is ASIAN??? first time i’ve ever seen it and it’s so. refreshing. ugghhhuhghghh i love fictional skin sorry there’s just something about the characters and the story that resonates with me so deeply and it’s not even anything overt? just the atmospheric lighting of the california sun, the way the characters talk about their nerdy interests, the way everybody looks asian, the realness of the dialogue and behavior, IDK THERE’S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT IT. fictional skin is bay area asian american down to its bones like the essence has been injected into the story’s veins THERE’S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT IT. i can’t say exactly what but i swear the little details create that feeling. if i had to be completely honest it’s not like the story is some emotional masterpiece like skip & loafer, but the realistic and down to earth vibe and the fact that’s it’s based off of the author’s own unique experiences as an SJ viet is what makes it so freaking good. slice of life is a peak genre bc it captures the real lived experiences of people me thinks. ok sorry this is probably the most incoherent post i’ve ever written but i’m 2/3 weeks done with my vietnam vacation and i’m lich going crazy so this is the best you’re getting from me ok

[senyanyans]

that one picture that’s like “i like you jamalkun!” and it’s like some musty fat dude playing persona is genuinely how i feel when i yumeship cuz i’m a fat chud and not a cute skinny girl 😭😭😭😭 sometimes it feels like i’m trans not in like some special whimsical way but bc i was always doomed to a life of chuddom based on my personality and appearance…… this prolly only makes sense if you’ve also lived it but inside mari and the incel to trans pipeline video essay i will never forget you

[senyanyans]

senyanyans’ travel diary entry #2:

(entry #1 was an instagram story i posted on my main reviewing the all gender public bathroom at SFO)

for context: i just arrived in vietnam for a 3 week long family vacation and my first (harrowing) flight was 14 hours from SFO to the hong kong airport where i had a lay over (not really cuz we had to rush to our next flight cuz our first one was an hour behind) before heading to saigon. ok on to the actual entry

this is kind of a no brainer take but anyway even tho i was only in the hong kong airport for like 2 seconds, a really cool thing i noticed was a private prayer room designated specifically for muslims to do their daily prayers 😮 i guess it just caught my attention cuz i feel like it’s something you’d never see in an american airport 🤔 and then i thought about it some more and realized that like, oh on the flipside, a gender neutral/all gender bathroom is something you’d only ever find in a super gay city like sf 🤔 so how cool and interesting is it that these different minority groups who are prominent in their own regions are able to carve out inclusionary spaces like these for themselves? wow wow wow i love that and i think that’s awesome. like hell yeah pls contain things that could only exist as a product of your unique blend of people ❤️

[senyanyans]

been thinking a lot about this lately but i still wonder if i’m actually aroace sometimes…. like i’m pretty confident in it atp and i’ve resonated a lot with this identity for a few years now and found a sense of belonging in it but at the same time i also wonder…. maybe i am capable of loving someone romantically…… but also maybe it’s just the fomo i get from wishing i could be “normal” 😶😶😶 IDK IT’S SO ANNOYING. I CAN’T TELL IF MY LACK OF INTEREST IN ROMANCE IS DUE TO FEELING LIKE AN ALIEN WHO FUNDAMENTALLY CAN’T PARTICIPATE IN IT BC I’M INCAPABLE OF COMPLETING THE DYNAMIC OF WHAT A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP IS SUPPOSED TO BE OR BC I’M SO REPULSED BY THE IDEA OF VULNERABILITY THAT I CAN’T ALLOW MYSELF TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE OR IF I GENUINELY JUST DON’T WANT THE EXPERIENCE. I DON’T FUCKING KNOW 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 fuhhhhhhhhh like when i imagine dating someone and think about having to live with them i’m like fuhhh nahh cuz. the idea of someone witnessing my odd and gross habits is absolutely mortifying and i would never be able to fully relax until they are gone. which IS NOT WHAT A RELATIONSHIP IS SUPPOSED TO BE. that’s why what i really want is a best friend. i think. I DON’T FUCKING KNOW 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

also sorry what got me writing about this in the first place is really embarrassing so i’m NOT gonna say who specifically but these past few weeks i’ve had this FAT sort of like celebrity??? crush????? on this guy and i find him very attractive somehow and also lately i’ve been finding some other guys kinda cute but. i think that’s just the spectrum part of the aroace spectrum….. cuz like obviously i don’t know anything about my celebrity crush or who he actually is so i’m basically just projecting the kind of character i want onto him and fantasizing about that, so there’s no way that counts as any sort of actual attraction. ok so maybe i’m just coping again fawkkkkkk i hate this. UGGHHHHGGGUGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGHHH

anyone else feel like they’re barred from experiencing “romance” bc they fundamentally do not fit into the equation of “love” as defined by modern society…. i don’t even mean that in like an edgy self absorbed “i’m not like other people…tch” kind of way BUT AS IN LIKE I LITERALLY AM NOT. LIKE OTHER PEOPLE. PLEASE 😭😭😭😭😭😭 like the concept of a romantic relationship itself is inherently so gendered, there’s no possible way for me to fit into that dynamic bc i don’t align with gender at all???? i fucking hate being trans AND non-binary sometimes brah and i hate being in the closet even more cus i’m always in this weird in between stage of being masc presenting but still introducing myself to others as a girl. so ppl either assume i’m a butch lesbian or i guess see me as like. this non-binary thing. WHICH I GUESS THE LATTER IS TRUE BUT. THAT AUTOMATICALLY BARS ME FROM ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS 😭😭😭😭😭😭 BC ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS ARE SO INHERENTLY CISHETERONORMATIVE 😭😭😭😭😭😭 EVEN GAY RELATIONSHIPS COME WITH CERTAIN DYNAMICS SURROUNDING GENDER. LIKE SURE THEY’RE DIFFERENT FROM HET RELATIONSHIPS BUT THEY STILL EXIST AND THEY’RE STILL CONSTRICTING. fuck i hate everything bro i hate society i’m gonna fucking explode everything with my mind. this is making me wonder how actual non-binary ppl date cuz like. i feel like every relationship i’ve ever seen including a non-binary person has been between them (who is fem presenting in some way) with a bum ass dude who calls them his gf and still considers himself straight. i’m being so deadass idc if this is like internalized transphobia i’m spewing rn but where are the people who actually. do not subscribe to gender at all. like ik that’s fundamentally impossible bc we live in a society but surely there are actual nb ppl out there who aren’t ok with their bf seeing them as a woman as long as they get to have a bf??? right????? or does that not exist bc they’re in the same boat as me….. wait actually i think i just answered my own question. ok. fuck.

sorry this is the part where i admit that i’m disgustingly and intensely jealous of everyone else and i hate being me. envy is an ugly ugly thing and unfortunately i embody it. i’m so fucking jealous of men AND women. i wish i was a cute twink so i could experience the privilege of being a guy and be seen as a jokester/class clown and get away with stupid shit. i wish i was a cute girl so people would be nice to me and i could fall in love like a normal person and be the “girl” in the relationship with a straight guy. FAWKKKKKKK I WISH I COULD JUST BE EITHER GENDER. BUT BC I’M A FAT UGLY NB CHUD I CAN’T BE EITHER OF THEM. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS STUPID BAKA EXISTENCE

[senyanyans]

also i went on a field trip to monterey bay aquarium today and it was such. an experience. i wish i had someone i could debrief with but. there i go wishing for a best friend again. ok whatever. anyway my one good friend that was supposed to go with me ended up having to go to her brother’s college graduation MIND YOU WHY WOULD YOU SCHEDULE IT FOR 1 PM ON A WEDNESDAY??????? PPL HAVE SCHOOL AND JOBS YK WHAT THE FUCK???????? ok whatever fuck anyway so i ended up literally having to solo it and. it was honestly such a surreal experience

i was in a group with a bunch of randos which makes sense cuz i figured no one put my name down for ppl they wanted in their group anyway which. ok. fine. ik i’m off putting and unknown. whatever. i mean i guess i did know one person in my group and that’s why i was in it but they were there with one of their close friends so. i didn’t even try to get involved with that. so i basically solo explored every exhibit and then when we got released to lunch i also soloed that too but it was honestly very peaceful? i mean the aquarium exploration was lowkey a nothing burger cuz i’ve already been there but lunch was fun? i got an overpriced sandwich from a random place but i justified it in my mind cuz it was a pretty big sandwich and decent tasting and the owner and cashier were nice and the cashier called me a guy so heh. honestly i think he clocked tf out of me and knew i was transmasc but either way it was still really nice of him like thanks bro 😎 HOWEVER THE ICE CREAM I BOUGHT I CANNOT JUSTIFY AND I’M STILL MAD ABOUT IT. i’m literally so broke rn i’m the brokest i’ve ever been in years AND I SPENT 20 BUCKS ON A CUP OF TBE MOST MID ICE CREAM EVER. it was a chocolate hot fudge ghirardelli sundae and it was actually so buns IDK WHAT I WAS EXPECTING bro i’m still pissed. i didn’t even finish it i want my $20 back now. OMG I’M SO MAD THIBKING ABOUT IT IF YOU’RE GONNA COST $20 AT LEAST BE GOOD. but i guess that’s what i deserve for buying ice cream from a big company gimmick store……. le sigh…. we cringe on…..

and then on the bus ride there (like an hour and a half) i’m dead i was planning on working on my self insert x oc atla fic but then i started listening to music to drown out all the loud children on the bus with me and i kinda got distracted…. man idk how ppl listen to music while doing other things like listening to music is its own activity for me 😭😭😭😭 and then i got pissed cuz i don’t have premium and normally that’s perfectly ok with me cuz i usually only listen to music while i draw at home and i can easily cheat to get ad free spotify and you can actually skip and play whatever songs you want while on the computer but. on this terrible occasion i was on the bus on my phone so i could not do that. so i was like ok whatever fuck it i’ll just redeem my $7 2 months of premium that’s literally nothing. so then i started listening to the album (new breath + new heartbeat) = change by this armistice cuz i saw it on tiktok (yes i get my music off tiktok idgaf) and. hello. listening to this album on the bus while half asleep was like a spiritually awakening experience. idk i’m normally not that into music but in this case it was like entering another world. wow. i see why people act the way they do about music now i think….. but only in that specific situation. i don’t think i’ll ever be able to replicate that feeling 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔 at least not until i get on another bus…. DUDE I FAILED TWICE TODAY. on the ride to the aquarium i sat in an aisle seat to be next to the person i knew BUT THERE WAS LITERALLY NO POINT IN DOING THAT CUZ I WASNT GONNA TALK TO THEM ANYWAY 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬 omfg AND FHE VIEW OUTSIDE WAS SO BEAUTOFUL TOO OMG IM SO FUCKING MAD. that spiritually awakening experience i had could’ve been even better if i was looking out the window at the same time 😒😒😒😒😒 so then on the ride back to school i was like ok. i’m gonna make sure to get a window seat this time and i managed to do both that and get 2 whole seats to myself BUT THEN I WAS SITTING ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BUSS CUZ I WAS ON THE SIDE FACING INLAND INSTEAD OF THE ONE FACING THE SEA. SO I DIDN’T EVEN FET TO HAVE MY BEAUTIFUL VIEW ON THE WAY BACK. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. but whatever fuck ok i guess. so i was just listening to the this armistice album on the way home again to drown out all the background noise while being half asleep and looking out the window and it was also a very soulfully satisfying experience. i wish i could just go on hour long bus rides all the time while staring out the window in a half asleep trance while listening to good music and having 2 seats to myself….. that is the dream……..

ok anyway yeah that’s pretty much it. i wish i had a best friend i could just tell all this to over facetime who would actually give a fuck about my day but unfortunately i did not meet cute with mark han at the beach today so. fuck ok i guess damn. kinda only tangentially related but i feel like i’m so guarded with my feelings. like i NEVER. tell other people how i actually feel. i NEVER go to anyone to vent or complain whenever i’m feeling upset. the only person who ever gets to know when i’m feeling elated or upset is me unfortunately. i don’t even tell ppl the thoughts that pass through my head. i’m always holding back a joke or a woke thought or the urge to talk about my interests BECAUSE NOBODY FUCKING CARES. omfg nobody fucking cares about what i’m into or how i’m feeling or what i think about anything. WHERE IS MY FUCKING BEST FRIEND BRO THIS IS LITERALLY ALL I’VE EVER WANTED IN MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE AM I JUST THAT WEIRD AND UNLIKABLE????? WHAT IS SO FUCKING WRONG WITH ME????????? CAN SOMEBODY JUST TELL ME SO THAT I CAN UNDERSTAND?????????

[senyanyans]

i have a lot of weird feelings about hair cuz like… cutting my hair and seeing it short and finally seeing my reflection in the mirror for the first time in 6 years made me not wanna kill myself anymore and i love being perceived as a guy at first glance by most people 🤔🤔🤔 but i’m also curious what kinda hair i could have if i unchained myself and grew my hair out to shoulder length? since i was like 14 (about to be 18) my self insert oc has had slightly longer than shoulder length hair and technically my oc’s hair is my ideal hair? but also i’m not a cute twink like my oc so i don’t think that hair style would look good on me……. but also i kinda like having shoulder length hair it’s so stylish…. but it’s also way more convenient to have short hair and it helps me pass better…… le sigh…….. also i’ve been really lazy lately and haven’t had a good opportunity to cut my hair cuz it’s such a long and hard process 😒😒😒 idk i guess i’m just debating rn like if i should cut my hair before my hs graduation or naw…… i kinda like what it looks like rn but this is my hair on a good day so idk? ugghhhhhhhghhhghhhh i hate how being trans constricts what kinda hair i have cuz i have to balance gender dysphoria with personal style…… to be cis…… DUDE IF I WAS A CIS GUY I WOULD’VE HAD SHOULDER LENGTH HAIR LIKE YESTERDAY AAAAUURGGHHHHHHGAGGHHH I’M SO MAD

[senyanyans]

this was so fcking refreshing to read omg i’m so tired of the “apolitical boba liberal” brand of asian sweat who never engages with the political context of their own existence beyond chopped fruit apology and stinky packed lunch poetry. no, working for a weapons manufacturer that makes the AI drones and missiles that blow up entire elementary schools in iran is not part of your child of immigrants success story, you’re just a soulless corporate sell out profiting off of war and turning other human beings into refugees. I’M TIRED OF THE ASIAN AMERICAN SELL OUTS OMFG Y’ALL DO NOT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR BOOTLICKING. thank you kevin li for being a #wokeasian

also the fact that i became aware of the existence of this post bc of eric ou out of all ppl has me fucking fuming cuz he’s right there in with the REST OF THESE FUCKS OMFGODDDDDDDDDDDDD. and in it he was trying to play devils advocate or some shit talking about how the person who basically qrt the original post was somehow in the wrong too and. cognitive dissonance is a hell of a drug brah he’s probably just trying to justify to himself why his fuckass business doesn’t put him in the exact same boat as all these other asian american sell outs. like yeah owning your own tech consulting company isn’t nearly as bad as working for lockheed martin but same energy yk. can he just go back to making shitty brainless abg content it’s pissing me off how performatively intellectual he’s trying to be omfg shut up bitch

[senyanyans]

i guess if i had to describe my gender when i was younger (prepubescent) it would be like,,, i didn’t feel like a girl, but more like some thing that would eventually grow up into a girl, if that makes sense. like i didn’t feel much like a “girl” bc i didn’t live up to what i thought a girl was supposed to be, but i wanted to be a girl and i assumed that as i got older and reached puberty, i would just magically develop a stronger inclination towards femininity and become good at performing it. but obviously that didn’t happen..

idk there are a lot of things that i guess alienated me from “feeling like a girl” growing up. one of the big things was being fat i think,, like i saw this one instagram post that was like fat girls are masculinized for not being dainty and petite like girls are supposed to be, while fat boys are feminized for having softer, rounder bodies. AND WOW. that was not a piece of insight i was expecting to find but it really put things into perspective for me. i think i need to start reading more thinkpieces about growing up fat….. it would probably be really healing…….

but anyway i think it’s also bc like,, i started growing leg and arm hair really young, like i feel like i have proportionally the same amount of leg and arm hair now that i did when i was 8, so i was really insecure back then bc none of my peers started growing body hair yet and it made me feel less feminine. i’ve also basically been a feminist since i was old enough to be aware of myself, so even at 8 years old i had this inner conflict of wanting to learn how to shave out of insecurity and fear of being made fun of but also understanding that there is something fundamentally flawed with the concept of women having to shave at all,,, wow i was a really smart and woke kid even if i didn’t have the language or brain power to fully understand or articulate what i thought and that other people had been thinking that for forever too….

idk it’s kind of strange. even now i don’t particularly feel like a boy, but again just some thing that wants to be a boy. and i’m curious what changed bc somewhere along the way i went from wanting to be a girl to wanting to be a boy 🤔🤔 like i’m honestly saying definitively during my childhood i wanted to be a girl. i wanted to be cutesy and dainty and soft and girly and the protagonist of a shojo romance, and lowkey i still wanna be cutesy, but as a boy instead? how did i wanna go from being a cute girl to a cute boy….. the world will never know……

bye i’m just gonna throw in this thing i wrote for instagram not sure if i’m actually gonna post it but:

when i was a kid (like up until i started puberty) i felt less like a girl and more like some thing that would eventually grow up into a girl if that makes sense... like i did enjoy cutesy, girly things and such, but i assumed that after i started puberty, i would magically develop a stronger interest in/inclination towards femininity and naturally become good at performing it. but obviously that didn't happen cuz it doesn’t work that way....🧍‍♂️it also doesn’t help that i've always been wokemaxxing 1000% ever since i was able to consciously perceive the world and its injustices (i've always been a #lonewolf #freethinker), so even as an 8 year old who was deeply insecure about having arm and leg hair i was still like. why do i have to shave tho... that just logically doesn't make sense... and how is that fair....

now as an almost adult i have a lot of mixed feelings about (the performance of) femininity and gender and such... sometimes part of me wishes i wasn't so woke and i was “naturally inclined” towards the upkeep of femininity bc life seems so much simpler that way… especially cuz all my friends are girls, (i’m allergic to men) i lowk get fomo sometimes listening to friends talk about stuff like buying dresses for hoco or doing each others makeup or whatever else is considered #girlhood... BUT THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE and ik performing femininity requires more time and effort and i personally don’t feel like it’s worth the trade off yk…. this is #authenticallyme and i think even if i tried to “catch up" and perform femininity now, i would ultimately still feel like some thing pretending to be a “girl” (as defined by society) and that's just not who i am… this isn’t meant to be an arrogant post cuz i don't really judge other ppl for stuff like this cuz everyone is different + we live in a society that violently enforces conformity, gender socialization is so heavily ingrained into everything, and your quality of life significantly decreases if you choose to defy such norms but. it just feels really alienating at times to actively reject them and be so separate/outside of it all yk.….. how should you define "normal" when normal is so arbitrary and oppressive? and what does the #illusionofchoice of conforming to gender norms say about your convictions and the overall nature vs nurture of gender? 🤔 #foodforthought #choicefeminism #YouThinkYouJustFellOutOfACoconutTree? #YouExistInTheContextOfAllinWhichYouLiveAndWhatCameBeforeYou

[senyanyans]

coming to school 40 minutes late sleep deprived and with greasy hair god it must be 2024

i’m actually so annoyed why is tiktok giving me mind numbing brain dead hetslop content IDC

[senyanyans]

brah this week is my spring break and i’ve spent it doing nothing but rotting in bed playing on my phone & reading IFs & drawing (just a little tiny bit)……. i’m such a freaking bum. omg and now i’m also just realizing that i lowk have a parasocial relationship with my own freaking friend except she probably doesn’t even think of me as a friend that much. like idk i always thought we were pretty chummy but i think it’s just cuz she’s friendly with everyone and i bother her all the time cuz she’s so chill. but like. before break started i was like oh are we gonna do anything over break ? (referring to our smaller group of friends in asb) and she was like nooooo i have to do hw and study for exams and stuff so i was a little disappointed but i was like ok. fine no big deal don’t take it personally. but i’ve been seeing that multiple times over break she’s gone out with or hung out with other people….. and ok maybe some of them were just with her family but also like. it just made me realize that i’m probably so far down her list of friends while she’s probably like top 5 in mine. AND UGGHHHHHHHGGGGGGHHHHHHH I DON’T HAVE ANY FREAKING CLOSE FRIENDS WHO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ME OR EVEN JUST TALK TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

literally all i’ve ever wanted in my entire freaking life ever since i was a little kid was to have close friends who like me and want to hang out with me just as much i do them. like literally since i freaking started preschool and learned about the concept of having friends that’s all i’ve ever wanted. and like 15 whole fucking years later and i still can’t do something as simple as that. IS THERE JUST SOMETHING INHERENTLY WRONG WITH ME THAT MAKES ME SO UNLIKABLE??!?!!??!???!!!!??!??!!!??!!!!

AAUAUUAUAUAUAUGGGHHHHHHHGGHAHAUUGGGHHHHHHHHHAGGAGAUUGHHHHHAUAUHGHHHHHHHAGAGAUUSHGGGHHHHHHGAGAHAGUAHGGHHHHHHGGGGHHAGUAHGGHHHHHHGGGHHGHAUHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH ME???????????????? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG???????????? I JUST WANT A BEST FRIEND FUCK THAT’S LITERALLY ALL I’VE EVER WANTED IN MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE AND I STILL DON’T FUCKING HAVE ONE!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT WHY I AM SUCH A FREAKING INCEL. AN INCEL CHUD WITH NO FRIENDS NO FUTURE 👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹👹 i’m so freaking tired of being chopped and weird. i literally have to live so much inside of my own fucking head and have conversations with myself bc nobody fucking likes me oh ok. FFFUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN’T RVEN MAKE ONLINE FRIENDS BC I AM SO PAINFULLY UNCHARISMATIC I CAN’T RVEN TALK TO PEOPLE THAT WAY. HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE TO BE THIS MUCH OF A FUCKING LOSER?!!!!!????!???!!!???

AAUAUUAUAUAUAUGGGHHHHHHHGGHAHAUUGGGHHHHHHHHHAGGAGAUUGHHHHHAUAUHGHHHHHHHAGAGAUUSHGGGHHHHHHGAGAHAGUAHGGHHHHHHGGGGHHAGUAHGGHHHHHHGGGHHGHAUHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

brah i understand why incel loneliness turns into anger now. but also i don’t cuz like. clearly the common denominator is me. the reason why i don’t have any close friends and nobody fucking likes me is because there’s something wrong with me. BUT WHAT AM I DOING WRONG???????????????? FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!! ever since i was like 3 i’ve spent most of my days fantasizing about being wanted by other people. i write self insert stories bc my greatest wish in life is to be desirable to someone. I DONT FUCKING KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN DO THIS SHIT FOR. one of these days i’m just gonna fucking kill myself bc i’ve literally been driving myself so fucking insane bc all i do is fantasize about being wanted to cope with my loneliness and then feeling like shit bc it’s not enough anymore. I WANT REAL CONNECTIONS AND CLOSENESS WITH OTHER PEOPLE! I WANT TO BE CLOSE TO A REAL FUCKING PERSON! OH MY FUCKING GOD CAN THE SUN JUST FUCKING EXPLODE.

[senyanyans]

hello guys this is more of a last nights (3/5) thoughts kind of thing but i didn’t have time to write about it till now….. yesterday i was talking to a friend about community college and universities and how poor teenagers buy into the elite college scam and then grow up and become washed up ivy league graduate adults and then sell that scam back to young people to make money in this sick and twisted world and how i hate that people look down on cc and how they talk about it when it’s literally one of the best tools out their for people living in poverty to gain access to more opportunities and like. yes all of this great but. the friend i was talking to is the person i would consider my wokest friend and we do talk to each other about woke stuff all the time but. it seemed like she wasn’t really down with the conversation topic… bc i was being too woke……. le sigh……. idk it just felt very demoralizing bc it just made me realize that like. DUDE I’M JOT WVEN THAT FUCIING WOKE AND YET FOR SOME REASON I’M ALWAYS THE WOKEST PERSON IN THE ROOM?????

(4/11) i just want a friend who i can talk to about this kinda stuff 😢😢😢😢 like i just came across this really interesting video on tiktok about the violence that corporations and politicians commit (ex ai data centers) and how that’s not seen as violence meanwhile the protests against it are. and i was like wow this video is genuinely really interesting but I HAVE NO ONE TO SEND THIS TO!!!!!!!! i don’t know anyone who would watch that video and find it as interesting as i do 😢😢😢😢😢 where are the friends that are too woke huh. if there are supposedly so many of them where are they.

(3/6) also i want asian american fd signifier….. like i’ve been watching a bunch of his vids lately and got me thinking like. where is the asian american media breakdown. huh. AAAAAAAUUGGUUUGHHHHHH ITS BC ALL ASIAN AMERICANS ARE GRIFTERS!!!!!! THERE ARE NO REAL ASIAN AMERICAN LEFTISTS WHERE ARE THEY!!!!!!!!!!! i’m not smart or substantially knowledgeable enough to be that guy so i guess the call forever goes unanswered……. but i would literally sacrifice my skip and loafer figures for a leftist asian american video essayist who specializes in asian american media and problems. le sigh……..

[senyanyans]

love is a lot like gender in that like. i personally define gender as an individual’s lived experience/feelings that is then translated through their personal concept of gender in order to be defined/labeled. if that makes sense…… and their personal concept of gender is influenced both by their own environment and experiences + the general societal definition of gender. so everyone has their own personal experience of gender and their own personal understanding of what (their) gender is. so like gender is a thing that is heavily dependent on the individual…… if that makes sense…………

anyway romantic love is the same way to me bc like everyone has their own personal understanding of what (romantic) love is based on their personal experiences & feelings the same way ppl do with gender…. #social constructs……

sorry this is a very disorganized collection of thoughts but anyway what got me thinking abt this was cuz someone ik is very into kpop fanfiction that’s like a little messed up and also very disturbing/dark yaoi VNs. and i was like wow how interesting is it that ppl can have such different tastes and preferences, especially when it comes to romance in media. cuz like me personally i jokingly call myself a pervert but that’s bc like,,,, in my dark and twisted mind vulnerability is perverted. i’m into vulnerability. ok.

idk i guess it’s just interesting how everyone has a different idea of what the most “intense” form of love is 🤔🤔🤔🤔 cuz like most people would probably imagine the yandere trope if you asked them what they thought the most intense form of love looks like. but bc i’m a snob i actually don’t view the yandere trope as a real and #true and pure form of love and more like a twisted sort of infatuation instead so it doesn’t count……….. stop i sound like those tiktok poets who are obsessed with the word limerence for some reason i’m cringing myself out 😭😭😭😭

wait isn’t it also interesting tho how what we consider “perverted” is often just what we like to indulge in the most (especially if it’s either unrealistic or messed up) 🤔🤔🤔 cuz like it stems from the concept of guilty pleasures yk ? and then also like isn’t it interesting how often times the romance we like most in media is whatever form it is that we consider the most “intense”? like wow we really just wanna see people as in love as they possibly can be based on how we define love bc everybody loves love. awwweeee. so cute *^_^*

me personally i think the most intense kind of love is like i said vulnerability…… just straight up emotional vulnerability idk that’s it 🧍‍♂️ like i think 2 people being completely honest and open and close (both physically and mentally) with each other is the peak of romance. i guess it’s bc like as a really lonely chud, all i’ve ever really wanted is a best friend…. someone i can share all my secrets with and who understands me better than anyone else. and also cuz like,,, i think i talked about this before but i feel like i’m always holding back. (wait i’m actually freaking dead bro i just looked at my drafts and saw that i started talking abt this feelings but never actually wrote about it.) i’m always keeping in my thoughts and what i really want to say or do bc i don’t think anyone else will ever get it. and so to me as someone who is always keeping others at arms length and has never gotten the opportunity to be so close to someone, vulnerability by being completely honest and open with your behavior and feelings is what i fantasize about the most and what i think would be the best form of love.

man this is a lot of words just for me to say that i wish i could be close to someone……… i want to cuddle and feel the warmth of another person against me….. i want to talk to them about everything i’m into and all the millions of thoughts that pass through my head every day….. i want them to know every little thing about me bc they cared enough to listen and remember…… i want them to want to learn more about me cuz they genuinely find me interesting and an enjoyable person to be around……

brah it’s so hot when characters initiate intimacy (in whatever form it takes yk it doesn’t have to be sexual)….. cuz it’s like wow they’re openly expressing just how much they want to be close to the other person 😳😳😳😳 man that’s real romance. real perverts like me know.

wait also idk why i didn’t mention this cuz it’s a pretty crucial piece of information but like as a huge incel chud. nothing scares me more than being vulnerable with and close to another person. so like i’m really into that in romance bc i wish i could experience it myself…. cuz it’s probably awesome….. but i’m too much of a chud to accept it even if i got the opportunity…. so all i can do is fantasize and indulge…..

[senyanyans]

this is something no one else will #get but. when i see candid photos of myself now for the first time in my life i’m just. okay with it. like i’ve always hated having my photo taken and i still do cuz i still think i’m chopped and i’m still insecure but. now that that’s all there is to it, it feels very freeing. idk how to explain this other than like, when i worked up the courage to cut my hair short last year and looked in the mirror afterward, that was the first time i ever saw myself in 6 years (since before puberty basically). seeing my own reflection is no longer an uncomfortable out of body experience, it’s just me. before, my reflection served as a reminder that i was always pretending to be someone i’m not, and that there wasn’t a single person out there who was able to see me for who i really was. it’s one of the more insidious ways dysphoria gets to you and makes you want to kys i think…….. cuz it’s like what’s the point of living and existing if no one is ever really seeing me yk? now that my appearance is actually a reflection of who i am, i don’t feel like a grotesque creature pretending to be a girl anymore 🤔 and so i don’t hate seeing myself anymore….. i’m glad bc it makes me feel more normal…… cuz now i just get to be like “lol i’m so chopped in this photo” like everyone else instead of being sick to my stomach with existential dread…. hip hip hooray

more tangentially,, sorry for being so inactive lately (i say to my 0 followers). but this is genuinely the busiest i’ve ever been in my life 🤔🤔 and i just never have the time and/or energy to rot on my bed and type out think pieces anymore….. le sighhhhhh………. don’t get me wrong tho i miss this a lot 😢😢😢 hopefully being unemployed and lonely in community college next year will give me more time to get back to this. bc at my core this is who i truly am….. i write think pieces on tumblr and that’s when i feel the most alive.

[senyanyans]

today was truly a day of ups and downs….. like i got to hang out with my friends today and i think that was like my first ever real official hang out with ppl outside of absolutely anything school related so that was exciting and overall i think we all had a good time….. but omg i gave them my spam on instagram and now i lowkey really regret it and i’ve already removed both of them off of it 😭😭😭😭 DUDE I’M SUCH A LOSER CHUD i posted like 2 things about my OCs and my fav yaoi webtoon and that made me so embarrassed and i was just like wow nobody cares about this 💔💔💔 i alr removed one of my friends immediately after they followed cuz the regret was immediate cuz they’re not really a real and true nerd like that but my other friend i removed just now even tho she’s more of a nerd cuz i got embarrassed….. brah i hope they don’t notice cuz that would be even more embarrassing than having them on there 😭😭😭😭 wow i’m such a loser chud why am i self sabotaging like this…….. 💔💔💔 i mean i gave the nerdier one my art account and i’m a lot more ok with that so i kept her on there but wow. erm. AUGGGHHHHHHHHH I JUST WANT A FRIEND WHO LIKES ME AS MUCH I LIKE THEM AND MATCHES MY FREAK 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔 HOLY FART DUDE AM I THAT MUCH OF A LOSER. WHAT ABOUT ME IS SO UNLIKABLE. I LIKE ME A LOT SO WHY ISN’T THERE ANYBODY ELSE WHO MATCHES MY PERSONALITY 💔💔💔💔💔 brah there’s gotta be someone i’m compatible with…. anyone…..💔💔💔💔

brah this is why my self insert oc is literally just me but more conventionally attractive. literally all i want is a special person who likes me for who i am so my oc is legit a lonely loser nerdy insecure chud with my personality and interests and skills and then my love interest is always charmed by who i am bc they like me as a person…… AAAAUUUUUGGHHHHHHHH AM I REALLY THAT UNDESIRABLE. I DON’T EVEN MEAN THAT IN A ROMANTIC WAY LIKE IS THERE JUST SOMETHING OFF PUTTING ABOUT ME AS A PERSON????? WHAT IS WROGN WITH ME DUDE IS THERE JUST SOMETHING FUNDAMENTALLY WRONG WITH ME THAT MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME NOT TO FEEL LIKE AN ALIEN AROUND OTHER PEOPLE??????? KMS BRAH FUCK MY STUPID BAKA CHUD LIFE

[senyanyans]

I’M HEARING THE MOST RECENT S&L CHAPTER IS MUKAI CENTRIC ????? YES THAT’S MY GOAT I’M SO FAWKING EXCITED 😆😆😆😆😆 LIKE YOU GUYS DON’T UNDERSTAND CUZ IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT THIS IS ONE STEP CLOSER TO MUKAIMIKA BC MIKA HAS ALREADY BEEN FLESHED OUT AS A CHARACTER BUT MUKAI HASN’T SO AFTER THIS BC WE ALREADY KNOW AND UNDERSTAND THEM BOTH WELL WE CAN START THR ROMANCE DO YOU SEE WHAT I’M GETTING AT DO YOU SEE THE VISION

[senyanyans]

hello guys being alive is so weird cuz your mood jumps up and down like a heart beat….. like literally 4 or 5 days ago my cousin was like do you (and your fam) wanna go to cheesecake factory w me for my birthday and i was like YES!!!!!! and idk at that moment i just felt so completely at peace…… like oh. this what life is about. you live for the little things like going to cheesecake factory with your fav cousins… le sigh….. idk i think it was also cuz it was bright outside and sunny but i felt very optimistic for the future and i was like yk maybe i’m a guy who is going to be alright.

and like ik it’s kinda stupid that i’m letting this get to me but it’s just like. i started looking through my friend’s spam cuz i wanted to find out when her birthday is and like. seeing all the photos she has of her spending time with her (many) friends and going out to eat and just doing a lot and having so much fun all 4 years of hs….. it made me realize that like. oh my freaking god i’m such a loser. i’ve been such a fucking loser all 4 years of hs holy shit. like the level of socialization i’m at is like the level i should’ve been at freshman year holy fart. my friend is so smart and studious without being boring and she’s so funny and charismatic and literally everyone likes her. and here i am a total freaking chud. AND IT’S NOT EVEN LIKE I’M JEALOUS OF HER brah don’t get me wrong cuz like i don’t resent her at all and i think she has everything she deserves but i just wish i also had a bunch of friends who like and love me and want to hang out with me fawkkkkkkkkk what is my stupid baka life. sometimes i’m just talking to other people and realizing that like. holy fart i actually am so freaking socially stunted. like i can’t be normal and communicate with other people in a normal way. BUT IT’S NOT EVEN MY FAULT THAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK IM SO FUCKING WEIRD FOR NO REASON AND THEY HATE ME AND SHIT LIKE I’M SORRY FOR HAVING SOMEHTING FUNDAMENTALLY WRONG WITH ME THAT IS UNRECONCILABLE WITH BEING A REGULAR LIKSBLE PERSON HOLY FART.

sorry ik i’m being so negative and i only ever come here to vent and be negative nowadays but i promise the good days are there too it’s just that i would rather just be enjoying myself and being at peace than typing an essay on tumblr….. sighhh……… guys i just want close friends i just want a best friend i just want friends who are into the same shit as me and have the same sense of humor KILL ME. IDK like brah idk how to articulate how i’m feeling rn it’s just like so depressing to me that like. holy shit i am so profoundly socially stunted and my high school years have been so horrible and harrowing and boring and lowkey traumatic and only this year have i gotten some slight semblance of fun and normality AUGGHHHHHHGHHHAUUUGGGGHHAAGGGGHHHHHHGGGGGGGHHHHGG KILL ME.