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@sephir-amy
working very hard on internalizing a life lesson that keeps somehow eluding permanency in my brainspace: if something that used to make you happy now makes you miserable, that means things have changed and it's okay to let that thing go
I'm documenting and also maybe asking for help or advice or else why post it, but I'm having some really unusual symptoms with my seasonal depression
I think I am having some type of mental health breakdown? I have had relentless anxious intrusive thoughts where, over the last 2 days in particular, they are literally unending like, one after another with no breaks, and I have not had them to this degree before? like I cannot regulate them, and they are at "internal scream" volume
at first I just felt chest tightness, which is normal for this level of anxiety, but over the past 6 or so hours I have also been having shakes and muscle spasms, which are not normal. when I first woke up after sporadic sleep I was experiencing hallucination (visual only), maybe a kind of sleep paralysis? it went away once I was able to sit up
I am, frankly, a bit scared cuz I haven't experienced anything quite like this before and it is heavily, heavily impacting me
I'm going to work through Some Stuff here for a minute. I just woke up after a string of relevant bad dreams and I don't know, maybe this will help. putting it under a cut.
it's just. ugh. if I separate out these things I'm about to vent on, I'm doing really well, and that's part of the difficulty. complaining feels ungrateful (or like it may exhaust others) because, in the grander scope, I'm doing fine. I know I've been very lucky career wise and relationship wise and all that but--
are you ever just consumed with the frustration of "why did you do that to me?" like... I had a few things go down in the past few years, and the feeling I am stuck with is "why did you put me in that position?" why the lack of respect, lack of boundaries, lack of truth, lack of empathy?
anyway, I'm very worried, genuinely, that all the negative brain chatter some of this has dredged up, is going to ruin the good stuff I mentioned before. I feel paranoid! I am having a hard time settling back into "trust" mode. everything seems to have a secret connotation or motivation, but that just isn't true - but of course, I thought that in all those prior situations, too. see - the paranoia.
and I had been on such a long streak of peace before this, you know? I really took it for granted, I guess.
I need to pay more attention when I say "hey, I know you didn't mean to, but you stepped on my foot just now" and the other person says "well maybe you shouldn't have put your foot there, it's fine" instead of the normal, empathy-possessing, and very very very easy "oh, sorry for stepping on your foot"
screams into the pillow of the vent blog void
no, I don't care to elaborate
I think part of it - all of "it" - as a minor vent, is I just don't trust how anyone feels about me, right now. I don't feel secure. for a long time I had my abandonment issues under control because I had (I thought) cultivated circles where abandonment would not happen, and then, well... I hadn't, haha. then you factor in the daily difficulties of just, not knowing "which person" I am going to have to deal with today, are they okay? sad? angry? cruel? nothing is consistent AND it occurs without reason, and consistency and reason is what my anxiety needs to be best managed.
I'm tired of saying "I'm having a hard time" and the person I'm trying to confide in just walks away.
got some concerning news/followup after my mom's surgery, and staring down the possibility that I lose both my parents before 40. feeling weird about it while also full-well knowing like, this is a thing that happens, sometimes
it would probably be good, once in a while, to grant myself the space to be upset like any normal person rather than faking away feelings under the pretense of "well, it happens to lots of other people, too"
advice for myself and anyone else who wants it: if [x] only makes you miserable no matter what you do, quit trying to compromise w/ [x] and give yourself some distance, instead. and good luck, you'll probably need it.
I am admitting today that I am in a depression and also possibly a burnout, because it is too exhausting to continue insisting "but think of all the things that are going well for u rn :)" as if that will change it and/or make it easier to lug around - it does not
I am having a horrific anxiety attack, it's now on its 13th hour or something like that. it's really rare that I know what triggers one, and I think I'm learning "oh my god they're so much worse when I know the trigger because it WILL NOT GO AWAY!!"
I am supposed to be on a work break to enjoy my own things and instead I don't know what to do, it's not something I can fix because it isn't just brain chemicals being weird for once - just shitty! bad! I'm doing bad!
I hate how painful step 1 is on most things, even things that you know are best for you. I'm just mentally looping "it will hurt less later" and hoping that will be true.
sometimes you give your all to something and it winds up not mattering, and it's very hard to not take that personally, but you really, really can't.
you just gotta, I guess, take your all and give it to something else and believe the next thing will make more fitting use of it
if you get hung up on "what if my all isn't enough?", I promise you'll feel better when you aren't throwing it into a bottomless pit
sometimes you give your all to something and it winds up not mattering, and it's very hard to not take that personally, but you really, really can't.
you just gotta, I guess, take your all and give it to something else and believe the next thing will make more fitting use of it
something I am having a repeated problem with lately are people who really only want you around to Listen to them, and to React to them, and to then be quiet til they have more things to say to you
it is not your fault if other people insist on being miserable.
I'm very tired and feel like I'm floating in space (negative), I'm so sick of being in the "moving process"... like, the timing has turned out to be even better than anticipated, and I know it's going to be for the best, but I miss my routines, and once I am off routine I know my mental health tends to become a mess
I appreciate that people have been checking in on me, it does help, I apologize if I seem scattered
