I had a dream that involved an old friend of mine who used to have a crush on me. I think my brain brought this up because I miss this person but know why we don’t talk anymore and that it’s been five years since I’ve dated anyone. I honestly don’t understand why my brain would torture me like this? My last relationship left me so damaged. He used to tell me I was broken and wrong for being asexual. He used to tell me I didn’t really love him because I’m asexual. Even though this was a relationship that happened in my late teens to early twenties, I’m still scared? This is someone that I loved and cared for and tried so hard to make our relationship work before I realized that I was worth more. I’m scared to try dating again because how am I supposed to explain that I’m ace or demi? I’m not really sure since I haven’t had much experience with what demisexuality is. Even just talking about it or telling friends makes me incredibly anxious. I was trembling and began crying when I told a friend of mine, especially when she reacted the exact way I thought she would, disappointment. This same friend brought up my sexuality out loud in public at a party in front of our friends. I was so embarrassed that I had to walk away from her. A friend of mine that I’m close with, even after I explained my sexuality, he sent me gifs that were sexual in nature and then was confused when I didn’t express the same feelings he did. I talked to someone a few months ago about dating and asked if he was serious. He said he was. Well, I guess he wasn’t because after talking about kinks, he stopped responding to me. I want to be in a relationship again. I want to romantically love someone again but I am still scared of getting hurt or putting myself in a dangerous situation. I want a love that isn’t just platonic, at this point though, I’m going to end up alone. I don’t want that. Sigh.
