Spilled.

words unsaid

[sermosilens]

20 THINGS I SHOULD DO TO MAKE MY LIFE BETTER

1. Drink water waking up and before going to sleep. And at least six times in between. 

2. Allot 1 hr study period (even if there's nothing to study!! Use this time to advance read, or do anything else productive that doesn't involve your phone or social media) everyday. 

3. Practice your writing. Write something everyday. It doesn't matter what it is. Just write. In line with this, create more art! Doesn't matter what kind, just create, create, create. 

4. Go to the gym at least thrice a week, one hour. 30-45 mins cardio and weights/muscles for the rest. NO EXCUSES. 

5. Cut out rice, sugar, bad carbs, colored drinks. NO EXCUSES.

6. Cheat days are only on Saturday OR Sunday. Even then, limit rice and sweets intake.

7. Stop picking at your nails. Maintain your overall hygiene and cleanliness.

8. Save at least 100 pesos a week. Put the money in a piggy bank.

9. Start a simple but effective skin care routine!

10. Learn how to be independent. Achieve your goals in silence; you don't have to depend on anyone else. It's okay to ask for help, just don't rely too much on other people.

11. Be kinder and nicer to the world. Especially to those whom it's hard to be nice to. A little patience and understanding goes a long way.

12. Learn how to say no.

13. Stand up for yourself (and others) when you feel like you or they are being harassed or abused. 

14. Reply to your friends faster. It's rude to not open messages. Do not do unto others what you do not want them to do unto you.

15. Limit everyday phone use!

16. Discover new music every week.

17. Read at least two books every month.

18. Spend more time with your family.

19. Be in love with the feeling of letting things and people go. You are where you're meant to be, and trust that God is leading you to the path He has created for you.

 And last, but certainly not the least: 

 20. Read and reflect on the bible more, and improve your relationship with God! What good will all these self-improvements be when God isn't in the center of your life? With all of these said, I certainly hope I stick to all 20 of these so I can make my year, and my life, better. With a sincere desire to change my life for the better, I know I can do this. Power, 2018!

[sermosilens]

December 23, 2017 - 12:49 am

As soon as the first semester of my second year in college ended, I treated myself to a well-deserved meal at Racks - well, I’m not sure if I truly deserved it - but for sure, I needed it. It had been a stressful month - semester, even - and all I wanted to do was eat my boneless ribs and onion brick and watch Gossip Girl without having to worry about looming deadlines.

Come the actual break, it was a weird but amazing feeling to be able to do whatever I wanted without feeling guilty about it. I swore to myself that I would just spend the first few days being a pig, then resume being productive by doing the things I wasn’t able to do during the school days, such as reading more books, exercise, eat properly, make more art. The thing is, the piggy life is a trap. I kind of hate myself because all I’ve been doing until today (when I was finally able to muster up the willpower to go to the gym, thank God) is sleep and watch Gossip Girl; I mean, I don’t regret bearing witness to the scandalous lives of the Upper East Siders, but I do regret not bearing witness to any positive changes I could have made to myself these past idle days.

I’ve considered why I am the way I am; am I actually just really lazy, or is it something deeper? Maybe a mild depression? I’ve always grown accustomed to having something to worry about. Now that I am really free of any worry (or at least, I am free of any conscious worries) it just makes me confused how I could be depressed.

I’ve always wanted to consult a professional about this, but I haven’t had the time nor resources. Or maybe subconsciously, I’m just making excuses for myself. 

I don’t know where this post is going. I just needed some form of release for my frustrations. My thoughts have been kind of scattered especially because of /that thing/ (will write about this in a separate post). I’ve had a few ideas about what’s been going on, and I hope I organize my thoughts and feelings into something clear and concise so I can know what the heck is going on with myself.

[sermosilens]

Pages

You were never a reader, so how did you learn to read me so well?

You can flip through my pages and read through with ease.

No wonder you left your marks; little highlighted phrases and notes and dog-eared pages. And I let you.

And though I know you care for me, for my cover and spine, and everything in between, why does it feel as though you burn me everyday? Why does it feel like you tear me apart, when in reality, I’m still whole?

If you read me now, you will see your name written on every page. Not repeatedly, but enough to know that you’re a big part of my story.

But my dear, even though I’m a book you can easily read - I’m afraid the one thing you can’t do is skip to the ending and see how this ends.

[sermosilens]

October 07, 2017 - 12:26 pm

Dear you, 

You've been through so much. You've endured so much. You've LIVED THROUGH so much. Do you know how brave you are? Never in a million years would I have imagined you would have that courage to be truly honest about your feelings, even with that fear and uncertainty surrounding everything. You are extra brave for doing it a second time, even after everything you went through the first time. I am immensely fucking proud of you. That's something you'll live the rest of your life knowing you were honest and vulnerable, and you tried.

Overcoming these difficulties hasn't been easy. And to be honest, I myself am not sure if it will ever be. But your resilience is what I love most about you. You spend some time being sad, which is perfectly normal and healthy. But you rise, stronger than ever. And even though you don't think you're fully through with this, just keep in mind that nothing is permanent. Also, it doesn't help to overthink. Que sera sera, Paola. YOU ARE WHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE. Trust in God and the universe that it will lead you to where you're truly meant to be!

Keep your head held high. Let go of things you can't control. Be in love with the feeling of letting things and people go. Just have faith in how things will turn out. In the meantime, also take care of yourself and your physical and mental health. You have been doing so great, Paola! Keep it up! I am your best friend and we can do this.

Very proud of you and your character development.

 Love always, you.

[sermosilens]

Sept. 18, 2017 - 1:36 am

I felt my heart break all over again today.

I knew I asked for signs from God, from the universe; signs telling me that my feelings are real. I'd gotten the three I asked for. Me being the stubborn person I am, asked for five more. 

 He told me today of how he's had some realizations about himself, about how he's always interchanged love and like. About how he'd know if it was love if he started doing things for the sake of the other person, and not just for himself. And maybe, a tiny part of my heart was whispering with hope that I'd become that person for him. Maybe that was Sign #3. 

I couldn't help but feel deja vu, for those late night deep-hearted conversations which are a rarity, considering the subject of dicks hadn't come up for at least ten minutes. That was a rarity in itself. I couldn't help but feel myself slightly lowering myself back into the grave I had dug a few months ago. Maybe that should've been Sign #4. 

 I couldn't help but feel genuineness when I told him that someday, I hope he finds that person for him. That probably should've been Sign #5. 

But all that shattered when he mentioned her again, and along with it my heart, mid-whisper with a trace of hope in its veins. It hit me like a full-blown blast to the face that I would just never be that person for him. Signs 3, 4, and 5 didn't even matter anymore.

I asked for signs from God, from the universe; signs telling me that my feelings are real. I didn't realize I'd get more than what I asked for when I was hit with a sick wave of deja vu. When I felt my heart breaking all over again. 

 That's when I knew it was real 

[sermosilens]

August 24, 2017 - 6:08 pm

Today I opened my Notes app again and went through my Thoughts folder, rereading my entries about /him/. I came across one line that particularly struck me: “I just hope it stops hurting na I want it to stop hurting :(”. It was a beautiful feeling to read that and realize that the pain has already passed; what I once thought was permanent pain was actually something that truly helped me learn and grow as a person. 

I was also reminded of how much I grew to love someone so deeply in the course of just a few months. All the emotions I saw in my old notes - anger, sadness, confusion, love - it was nice and bittersweet to relive them and feel them all over again. 

Now I can truly and happily say that /that/ chapter of my life has come and gone. I lived, I loved, and I learned. And I’m glad that I didn’t lose him in the process. He’s still my best friend, and it just amazes me how we went through all of that and emerged still standing strong - as friends, of course. Truly, sometimes friendship is the best gift someone can give you :) 

So thank you, you! I can’t fully express how much I treasure all the things you taught me (whether directly or indirectly). For more reasons than one, I’m happy my path crossed with yours.

[sermosilens]

June 12, 2017 - 4:43 PM

You’ve hurt me too many times now. You can add this, you shutting me out, to the list.

I’m sorry. Is it bad that i’m still keeping count?

It’s not that i’m keeping count so I could exact revenge on you when I decide i’ve finally had enough.

In fact, i think i’ve had more than enough.

I don’t know why i’m keeping count.

Maybe it’s to see how long I can hold out until I can finally say that i’m done. Completely done. 

After you shut me out again I was filled with a sadness and a rage, but just as quickly as it came, it disappeared.

Like a sudden burst of colorful emotions, but now it’s all gone and I’m back to being numb.

Maybe now, finally, i’m done. Completely done.

[sermosilens]

Silent Suffering

I’ve slowly been putting Parts of my heart Back where they belong As I’ve been realizing They’ve been with me all along   It’s a bridge that I’m still crossing The other side, still kind of far away Cause I still have the feeling But I know I’ll get there someday   The days are hard when I know I have to let you go I’m taking it slow Because you love me, But not in the way I want you to Because you need me, But not in the way I hope you do   Maybe in another universe I have your heart Somewhere out there nothing Is keeping us apart   But timing is irrelevant When two hearts are meant as one So I sadly shut the door And watch you be gone As I watch you fall Back into her love I retreat slowly And ask help from above To give me the strength To carry this pain Quietly, gracefully As I cry again   Because you love me, But not in the way I want you to Because you need me, But not in the way I hope you do   Not in the way I want you to Not in the way I hope you do

[sermosilens]

Haze

I have lost my sense of familiarity with you. Whenever i look at you these days you feel like a story i once read but have now forgotten. I might have forgotten who the characters were and the events that happened, but I still remember how you made me feel.

I also remember that I never got to the ending, because there wasn’t one.

[sermosilens]

What If?

Whatever decision you make, Whatever steps you take You will always be plagued with what-ifs. Life is cruel that way.

What if i never told you i loved you? What if i said it just now? What if i did tell you i love you? What if i showed you how?

Would you be the one to ask me? Would you run away? Would you tell me that you already knew? Would you stay anyway?

Even though I know we’re friends Just that, and nothing more Sometimes i can’t help but wonder What if I closed your door?

I would probably miss you And the way you made me feel. But I would also probably Be given more time to heal.

Because the what-ifs that haunt me now, They’re admittedly kinda small. But the biggest one that plagues my mind: What if i never loved you at all?

[sermosilens]

January 15, 2017 - 7:45 PM

I think love is all about extremities.

Because when I look at you I see all and none of the answers in front of me.

Because there are so much words threatening to spill out of my mouth, yet I am also at a loss for them.

Because in love you either feel too much or too little.

There is no such thing as in between.

Because in love there is you and me.

On opposite ends of the spectrum of us.

There is no such thing as in between.

[sermosilens]

introduction

here’s to the words i can’t ever say out loud. spilled, with no intent to be cleaned up.