text message starters: part 14
[MSG:] I just audibly asked myself if I wanted to masturbate. And then audibly agreed.
[MSG:] Normal people donāt sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hoursā¦
[MSG:]Ā Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
[MSG:] Donāt worry about my [family member]. S/He just hates you because youāre [description], not because weāre fucking.
[MSG:]Ā What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers.
[MSG:]Ā I should have listened to my dad and Mean Girlsā¦ If you have sex youāll get pregnant and die.
[MSG:]Ā Well, fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
[MSG:]Ā I just folded my bossās underwear, and I aināt a maid. I need a drink and a raise.
[MSG:]Ā I canāt remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
[MSG:]Ā Iām fucking your [family member] right now.Ā
[MSG:]Ā DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.Ā
[MSG:]Ā All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and Iām not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
[MSG:]Ā If I banged a coworker last night but didnāt enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
[MSG:]Ā NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS.
[MSG:]Ā I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
[MSG:] It happened againā¦
[MSG:]Ā Broke up with my married coworkerā¦ work is gonna get weird.
[MSG:] Iām banned from the zoo.
[MSG:]Ā Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
[MSG:] IāM WEARING A FLAG.
[MSG:] You left your shoes at my place but remembered to take your vodka. I see where your priorities are.
[MSG:]Ā His internet history had āDisney Pornā on it.
[MSG:]Ā Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasnāt even gay until five minutes ago..
[MSG:]Ā She said, āI donāt really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on meā and I donāt remember anything after that.
[MSG:]Ā Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex.
[MSG:]Ā Itās like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here.
[MSG:]Ā Whatās the worst that could happen? Iām already broke and my legās already broken.
[MSG:]Ā And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So donāt act like I donāt do anything.
[MSG:]Ā I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious.
[MSG:]Ā Even my Mr. Clean Magic Eraser canāt make last night disappear.
[MSG:]Ā I was like, āum, thatās my butthole.ā
[MSG:]Ā I donāt know how else to say this, but I think youāre a fucking bitch and the sooner you die Iāll be happier.
[MSG:]Ā Their flight hasnāt even left yet and the ābuy food to keep yourself aliveā budget is gone on tequila.
[MSG:]Ā Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you.
[MSG:]Ā Iām sensing a Yuletide blowjob in your future and by future I mean tomorrow.
[MSG:]Ā Thereās a naked man in my car right now.
[MSG:]Ā I just found her phone in the quesadilla makerā¦
[MSG:]Ā He texted back and said he would hook up if he didnāt have a test at 8am. Itās really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
[MSG:]Ā Iām going on a new diet. Itās called the āeat healthy otherwise boys wonāt want to have sex with your fat assā diet. Wish me luck.
[MSG:]Ā As long as youāre naked and covered in glow paint, Iām there.
[MSG:]Ā Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind Iāve dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
[MSG:]Ā I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man, I love being a lesbian.
[MSG:]Ā Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
[MSG:]Ā Heās a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
[MSG:]Ā I would feel bad thatās heās locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
[MSG:]Ā This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
[MSG:]Ā So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
[MSG:]Ā Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
[MSG:] You owe me a new pair of boots, bitch.
[MSG:]Ā Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman ever.
[MSG:]Ā I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
gummygunk
titsay
areudirty
discoholicmusic
pixelskylines
