poltcrgists:
frank had been alone for so many years. growing up in that house, and unable to confide in his mum, so many things where he felt the most isolated. and he had always had alice, back in hogwarts, where it had always felt like home because she was there. he could blame the breakup on a lot of things, but it all lead back to just: himself. his insecurity, his feeling like that he was holding alice back, the feeling that no matter what he did being in his life and who his step father was would be putting alice in danger. he lived under death eaters, he dreaded going back for holidays and the summer, and by the time that he had graduated the war was already starting to brew and he had to be prepared for anything and he didn’t want alice to get lost in it because frank would fight back if it meant out of self preservation against his step father. he didn’t know how to tell her any of this without sounding mad or paranoid.
“he’s always one step ahead. whenever think i get any leads on the crabbes they always find a way to out clever me,” he shoves his hand through his hair, trying to think about what he missed this time, and then it had occurred to him that he could find an advantage of just thinking like them, but he felt so weak and disgusting. “let’s hope they put two and two together.” he huffs. frank was normally on time, at least he tried to be, frank was a bit of a perfectionist when it came to things on the job so there were times when he would come in late just to get the job done but he was hoping that at least knowing alice they had a chance. merlin, he really couldn’t do much without alice, could he? she had always been so much better at spotting things than he had. and the only time he had ever blindsided her was by breaking up. it leaves something awful in the thick of his throat.
you left me. it stings to hear, he winces, and looks away, wanting to cast a lumos or even a warming charm since it was so fucking cold down here, all the dark magic sucking the life out of him, if he really thought about it knowing how this place was probably riddled with a bit of everything. slow torture, just how they liked it. and he thinks of how he should be thinking about all of that but now he couldn’t even stop himself from not having this conversation. frank knew that there had been a selfishness about him, some may call it some kind of slytherin trademark, he never really did understand how he got sorted in there, but he supposed it must have been something other than some kind of self-preservation growing up in the home that he did, or how he may have been placed there out of survival, but he hadn’t fought it, did he? there was a part of frank that wanted to feel powerful because he had been so powerless, and never mind the sheer hot anger than ran through him when it came to injustice. and he’s gone distracted again, this bloody place.
he holds his head in his hands, angry at every single situation they’re in right now. angry that he left in the first place, and not knowing where to even start. “i did.” he said, trying to make his voice even. “because i thought it was the right thing to do. and i meant what i said when we first became partners–it wasn’t anything you did. it was just… me. my own insecurities. afraid that i’d put you in danger somehow with who my extended family is–i don’t know–feeling like i was holding you back. but i saved all the letters i never wrote to you. sometimes i would just talk about my day, how much training sucked, how fucking tired i was, how lonely it is living alone, i would often ask you what you were doing- if any of our friends finally figured out what they wanted to do with themselves- with their future, how the quidditch team was doing, and how much i missed sneaking into your room just because i hated sleeping alone- all the mundane stuff too. i needed you too much, i knew that it wasn’t healthy- you were my only family and i guess that self destructiveness crept in my head and i ran with it because i’m a fucking idiot.” he laughs but there’s no humour to it. “but my feelings for you never changed, and when we first became partners i wanted to confess all of this, and even before we were partners i would still write letters and just never sent them because i figured you were better off and i know that this situation we’re in is fucked, but it would have come out sooner or later. i love you. that’s never changed, and won’t ever will.”
“i don’t know if it’s much about being clever than it is them having ears everywhere - we knew we had a mole, this just further confirms it” she assured, offering what little reassurance she could because truly, who could have anticipated this? alice wasn’t sure what she had wanted - from him, this horrific circumstance or even from life in general at this point, but hearing him say i did -- it somehow managed garner relief, validation of what happened and how he could perhaps feel how she did in that moment, was this what they meant by the truth will set you free? because she wanted the relief, but never did truly want to be free of him. he was under her skin - a part of her heart, she knew it down to her bones that frank longbottom owned every bit of her fragmented heart and there was not a damn thing she could do about it.
what she had not been expecting was the quiet admittance that followed - he wrote her. in a way she wasn’t sure if she could read those letters without feeling her heart crack into two because she had spent years trying to get him to love himself even a fraction of how she loved him. he needed her too much -- and in that moment she had clarity, she couldn’t help but stand up and move toward him - dropping herself down in front of him, because had she not felt the same way? losing frank had felt like losing a part of her and maybe love was uncontrollable and all consuming but losing your sense of self should never be a result of it. she knew deep down, in a way he had given her the freedom to grow into her own independance and she could blame him all she wanted, but weren’t they here in the end? through the heartbreak and messiness of it all - fate was a funny thing, it still brought them together and maybe that was the silver lining they needed.
before she could talk herself out of it, her hand moved to rest against cheek -- “this won’t work if you don’t see yourself the way i do -- i need you to love yourself as much as i love you and if you can promise that you will try, then we get a re-do” she murmured. she wanted a future -- and she knew deep down, it wouldn’t be with anyone but him. “you’re not the only one who made mistakes - i could have fought harder, my first day back - i could have swallowed my pride because lets face it, there’s never been a day that i haven’t loved you, but i meant what i said Frankie - i can’t do this with you, unless you try. i won’t go back to how we used to be”
