SHADOWFAX

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[shadow--fax]

I shouldn't, but all I want to do is speak to you. No one else would understand the way you would, no one would get why it means so much and why I have no one else to confide in. No one else would have the right response: a perfectly clumsy balance of honest advice and comforting understanding. 

[shadow--fax]

I just want things to be easier. 

I want a nicer flat, with working appliances and no damp and a bigger room that will fit more than just a bed in it. I don’t want to live on an estate. I want to live on a pretty street with trees and flowers and a garden. 

I want a full time job. I don’t want to dread payday, I don’t want to skimp and save. I don’t want to have skip meals because it’ll mean I can eat nicer food the next day. I don’t want to go to work for only 4 hours a day. I don’t want to work in retail. I want to do something that means something, rather than just feeding the consumeristic bullshit that our society is reliant on. 

I want to be a better daughter. I don’t want to have to keep apologising when I’m not even sure what I’ve done. I want to make you both proud, I want to be your best friend and I want you to be mine. I don’t want you to be up at night worrying about me, I don’t want to make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. I don’t want to be the horrible person you think I am. 

I want to be a better person for myself. I want to love myself, I want to love other people. I don’t want to hate humanity for all it’s selfishness, hatred, greed, racism, sexism, destruction, violence and ignorance. I want people to smile back more, to be kinder to others, to be as generous as they are self-centred. 

I want to be content. 

I don’t even think I’m asking for much. 

[shadow--fax]

No matter what happens and how fucked everything is. No matter what you say or how much you piss me off. And no matter how much of a fucking dick I am. It will never not be you. I'm yours, and I always have been.

[shadow--fax]

No one told me that I could fall in love With both the sun and the moon.

[shadow--fax]

I wanted to be done with you and I wanted to be decisive and brave and strong. But instead I’m obsessing and tormenting myself with paranoia and stupid what-ifs and over-thinking every minor thing. I swing from being totally detached to seeing nothing else. I see it for how it is, and still tell myself it’s different.

[sleepin]

[shadow--fax]

I read that you form the strongest bonds with people when you experience negativity and stress together. How ironic that you should always stay because we shared something that was detrimental.

[shadow--fax]

i really don’t like christmas. 

i’m bored, i’m lonely, i’m wasting my last day off in fucking forever, i want a fag, i want a spliff, i want to watch a horror movie. i don’t want to talk about how i need to get a better job and the weather and what’s on tv. i wanna be on me own in me bed.

[nectarteendream]

i made a thing. :)

[shadow--fax]

You still cross my mind from time to time. And I mostly smile. Still so set on finding out where we went wrong, and why, So I retrace our every step with an unsure pen, trying to figure out what my head thinks. But my head, just ain't what it used to be. And then again, what's the point anyway?

[yukariyakum0]

[nataliapaints]

[shadow--fax]

I dont think I’m meant to be here.

Somehow my path is wrong. Everyone said, everyone said when I was at school that it would be fine because I’d find my true friends later in life. “When you go to college, you’ll find them.” But I didn’t. And then everyone said “When you get to university, you’ll meet people who will stay with you forever. Your forever friends”. I’ve found one forever friend and I’m worried he’s going, too. I thought it would be different and I thought I’d finally feel comforted and loved and complete but I don’t. I feel numb and alone and dead and panicked and anxious and shit. I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life this way. I just want to be out of this. I want to be the lucky one. I want to be someone else. Please, fucking God, let me be someone else.

[danielodowd-deactivated20170124]

http://thecurumim.vsco.co/

[vhspositive]

[bestabandoned]

Martino Zegwaard - Abandoned greenhouse in castle.

[tulipnight]