Hi ladies! I hope this is okay to send, but I'm looking for some reassurance and advice I guess? And you two seemed like a good place to start.
I've been fat for most of my life, and I went on a whole journey to love that about myself. I was doing great, have been great for years. But chronic pain and illness caused me to gain a noticeable amount of weight over the past year or so and I'm...struggling. And it's really hard to admit that, because I was doing so well at loving my body before, and the fact that an extra 20 pounds or so is getting to me feels a bit ridiculous? I wish it wasn't bothering me so much and I don't really know what to do about it!
Sorry if that's too much to ask, I just think you both are such wonderful role models and might have some kind words to help me through this 💛
Thank you!
I’ll answer this one. It’s something I’ve gone through many times. In fact, I’ve been struggling myself since the Showdown.
First of all, don’t be ashamed. I know it feels like you’ve taken a step backwards, but you haven’t. Healing isn’t linear, and sometimes even a strong relationship with your body is impacted by external factors. I still fall into old habits now and then, but I’ve learnt to recognise the patterns. You’re seeking advice, which shows growth. I used to try and hide it whenever I was struggling, but now I’m able to pause, reflect on my feelings, and talk to Sonic about it as soon as I notice the signs. Well done for reaching out.
Secondly, I would suggest taking a deeper look into why you’re unhappy. Is your current weight actually making you feel unhappy? Or are you worried about what others will think? When you criticise your body, do your words sound like your own? Like something you would say to someone else? If not, you may be parroting the words of others, or being clouded by the current resurgence of fatphobia in society.
Perhaps it’s more to do with the sudden change? Change can be uncomfortable, and take time to come to terms with, but that doesn’t always mean we dislike the change.
It’s especially complicated when the change was unintentional. If someone cut your hair while you slept, changing the style, would you be upset? Even if you liked the new style? Probably, because the change happened outside of your control. So perhaps you’re not upset with your weight so much as you are with the involuntary change.
As someone who struggles with chronic conditions, it’s often about agency. There are so many instances where we may feel we don’t have agency; we can’t control when a flare up happens, how bad it is, how long it lasts. We can’t just push through the pain and do everything we usually would. It feels like control has been taken from you by the pain or the illness, and that is a difficult thing to live with everyday. It’s very reasonable to be upset about gaining weight as a result of your illness. It doesn’t mean your relationship with your body is no longer positive. Don’t forget that chronic illness and pain has a significant impact on your mood. The way you feel when you’re in pain may just be a reflection of that pain.
Lastly, I want you to take some time to get to know your body as it is right now. I know it may be uncomfortable, but keep an open mind. Try to see the positives; your body has carried you through a difficult flare-up. Try to take note of how your body feels as well as how it looks, and see the changes as neutral.
What are the more noticeable differences? New stretchmarks? Extra width? Rolls, folds, overhangs? Has your shape changed? Do your clothes fit differently? All of these things are beautiful. If you’re struggling to see it that way, try to reframe it; how would you feel about those features on a loved one? Or someone you admire? I’m lucky to have a beautiful fat wife who I adore. Any time I catch myself frowning at a part of my body I have mixed feelings about, I remind myself how much I love those same things on Sonic.
I’m not sure if any of this will help you or not, but these are the things I do when I’m struggling. Remember to rest and take care of yourself; regardless of your current feelings towards your body, it deserves to be loved and cared for. Reach out to anyone you think may be able to provide you some comfort. Allow yourself the space to sort through your feelings.
I wish you the best.
