it'd be easy enough if he could just be one of those heartless bastards that roam the lawless lands now. the ones who scowl and growl and shoot first ask questions later. it would've been so easy to turn his back on the reality of the world and instead turn inward, to turn into the desperately hopeless person he had once been. because before he had found elle that day, he had been that person. he had been taunting fate, hadn't cared how much trouble he drove into or how many of the infected he attracted. his mind was spinning on a roller coaster that he couldn't get off of ; his mind desperately seeking out the one person that he couldn't have anymore. his mind an aching whirlwind of guilt regret anger that he couldn't stop –– hadn't been able to stop. why would he? he deserves the torment and outward hell that follows him around, a harboring angel of death that seems to attract far too many people toward his bubble when they should all stay away if they know what's good for him. he was going to leave elle that day. he was going to let her fend for herself because fuck everyone and honestly she would've been better off on her own. he was going to. he was going to.
because one look at elle and for a moment his mind wasn't seeing her, but seeing adelaide in her place ; he was seeing them driving across the country, his little sister scared and bundled up in the front seat of the car, his foot pressing down as fast as he dared to go. driving lessons had only gone so far and when fuel could be spared for half an hour. but he had learned fast because he had only one objective, over and over again –– make sure adelaide survives. that was the prime objective he had ever known since she had come out of the womb, to be a big brother and to ensure that things would be fine, that the world wouldn't crush her when it decided to be cruel and unfair. and in that moment he hadn't been seeing elle or the bite on her leg –– he had been seeing his failures, over and over again in a whispered ghost that he couldn't get away from. a haunting that he had made of his own doing and yet he couldn't step away from the realm. he was stuck there, frozen, the infected crawling the place, and all he seen was adelaide looking up at him. he seen the question in her eyes.
damien takes in a sharp breath, his fingers gripping a little bit harder on the steering wheel as he slowly comes out of it, pushing the memories to the back of his mind. he can't afford to get lost in them, not now, not ever. the second he gets lost in them, the second that he'll fall back into who he was, who he was willing to be because he had nothing left to fight for. and maybe that's the problem –– damien's been on his own for a while now and it's started to eat at him. mindless fucks in the qz and inebriation can only get him so far –– it numbs the ghosts but doesn't exorcise him. they're always there in the morning, gripping around his neck and choking him, same as the drink of choice from the night before as he leans against the bathroom floor and screams.
her hand takes his and for a moment damien tenses up, still somewhere in between and torn into the real world around him. this girl, this little girl, has managed to change everything for him, and he doesn't know how to feel about that. she takes his hand and it's like his thoughts clear up, like the ghosts in his head relent, if only for the moment. they give him the reprieve, allow elle's presence to sooth them down when they would normally rage. there is something inside of this girl that the world cannot harm, cannot fathom, and he wonders if she knows it. wonders if she knows just how damn special she actually is, and not just because of the survival of the bite. but because she is a beacon of light, standing in the harbor when every single ship gets lost. he wonders if her friends know it, if they cherish her, if they smile at her stupid jokes just as much as he does.
he may have lost adelaide, but elle is giving him a chance to do things right. she has slipped into the little sister role so effortlessly that sometimes damien has to do a double take, has to remind himself that she is who she is and that adelaide is not seeing there, another glitch in his mind.
“ i don't know about that one, ” the words he says are honest because elle deserves honesty. it's part of their pact, being open with one another because secrets are what kills you in the end. if you keep too many of them, they become your entire being, and in a world like this there's no room for them. so he's honest with her, even when the odds are out, because she deserves it. she's honest with him but he doesn't know if that's her choosing or if that's just the type of person that she is.
but there's a slight smile on his face too as her words sink in, and he shakes his head a little, squeezing her hand, his own bigger one practically engulfing hers. “ i would've still stopped for you. i'm not…i'm not going to leave people behind. but there's sometimes when it gets really fu–... really dark. you know? sometimes it's hard to be positive. ” nose scrunches a little bit before he sighs, thumb tapping along the steering wheel. there's only the pavement under the tires and his racing heart to keep him company for a brief moment, because he remembers that this beacon of light, this reprieve from the dark, isn't really his. and that's where they're going, is it not? he's going to return her to her friends, because she deserves to be with her family.
it doesn't matter that it's been months and he feels like he's her family. there are just some ties that you have to sever for the good of a person. and if this is his redemption, then he'll let the bird go because it can fly on its own.
clearing his throat, he shakes his head again and gives her hand another squeeze, tethers himself to an anchor when he feels like he's going to drown. “ stop being so smart. that's not allowed. ” he teases her gently, sticking his tongue out at her. “ when'd you get so smart, huh? ”