Is it too late for this young sinner to get baptized?
His scars were scattered across his body, yours were hidden deep inside. He was fiercely striving to die; you were desperately trying to live. He laughed at your naivety, you reproached his indifference. But you came together. Somewhere in the middle of the chaos you had created yourselves. pairing: port mafia leader!osamu dazai x gn!reader content: angst, hurt/comfort, mentions of suicide (c'mon it's dazai), mentions of guns, mentions of alcohol a/n: wrote it for my precious @shamelessperfectionhideout as a reason to smile but we both end up crying, i'm so sorry my love <3 also i'm extremely sorry for all the inaccuracies, i haven't read manga nor have i watched anime but i'm getting there! hope y'all enjoy <3
It felt so right. Every time your hand was in his, it felt so right. Like the stars that light up in the sky every night to illuminate the way. The moon and the stars knew you were in love. It was so right. It was so strange. It was like looking in a mirror, but the reflection is cracked, some shards missing. Your soulmate standing in front of you was shattered. You were so similar, yet so different. His scars were scattered across his body, yours were hidden deep inside. He was fiercely striving to die; you were desperately trying to live. He laughed at your naivety, you reproached his indifference. But you came together. Somewhere in the middle of the chaos you had created yourselves.
Every time you whispered a quiet "I love you," he was swept up in the desire to prolong his life, mentally crossing off a few new ways of killing himself. Every time you were hiding behind the bookshelves of one of the libraries, exploring the mysteries of the world, and stealing little kisses from each other, he found the meaning anew in his worthless life. Every time he was covering you from the rain with his long black trench coat, laughing like a child, while running across the road, flowers bloomed in your chest. Every time he kissed you senseless, you knew you couldn't tell him everything. And each time you made excuses for your weakness. You couldn't let him know the true you. Although, perhaps, only with him were you truly yourself.
Being head of a special department in one of the mafia gangs was clearly not something you wanted to share with others, especially those so far out of the underworld. Osamu, too, had never revealed what specifically he was doing, because, in his opinion, you would have laughed at him. Yes, there were secrets between the two of you, but that lost any meaning when you looked into each other's eyes and reasoned about eternity. Only then, only in those moments, did you realize that this world wasn't so bad if he was in it. You hated the fact that your hands had blood up to your elbows and your eyes were seeing things that sometimes you wanted to rip them out of your eye sockets to make it all go dark at once. But when his fingers intertwined with yours and his soft lips touched your eyelids in the early morning hours, you loved to imagine that everything that had come before was a small grain of sand in the desert of your endless life, filled with tenderness and forgiveness, ease and hope. But all those dreams were swept away by the winds of anxiety and lies over which you ironically had absolute power.
Somewhere out there, outside the small apartment you shared, you were part of the big game, blowing up whole houses, sweeping up with hurricanes everything you could get your hands on. The air was always your element. You loved the feeling of flying, the wind in your hair, the whirlpools of tornadoes that rose over the water, the storms that put the lives of those at sea on the line. And you owned it all; you could wipe anyone from the face of Earth with an angry gust of wind just by lifting a finger. But from the moment you met Dazai, it seemed to you that you were in the constant act of falling, hovering only a few millimeters above the ground so as not to be smashed to pieces. The feelings you had around him lifted you to unprecedented heights, and then threw you sharply down when you saw the bandages covering a new section of his body.
Somewhere out there, outside the small apartment you shared, he was a small part of a bigger world, soaring up and crashing down, hoping that his last breath would happen here and now. But from the moment he met you, it seemed to him that he was finally standing firmly with his feet on the ground. The feelings he had around you made his heart beat faster, reminding him that he was alive, and then knocked the air out of his lungs as he watched you tuck a little daisy behind his ear.
But the mirror in which you both had been looking, seeing each other's reflections in it, shattered as the darkest parts of your lives saw the light. You were sitting in the office of the Port Mafia boss, surrounded by members of your gang, with your legs draped over the edge of a desk and your fingers tracing the spines of antique books. Things in the town were lousy, you had lost many important connections with partners, and now your adversaries in the Port Mafia were showing an undesirable interest in the territories that had been under your control from the very beginning. So for an hour, you waited for that boss that everyone in the area dreaded, lazily observing the crowd. You knew most of the Night Wardens, except for the infamous bandleader, who preferred to remain in the shadows. You weren't sure if these talks could be peaceful or bear any fruit, but you couldn't overcome your curiosity to see the Youngest Leader in the History of the Mafia with your own eyes.
Suddenly you heard a stirring, as everyone turned toward the doorway. You stretched your head to get a better look at the approaching figure. You frowned and then blinked a few times, as if you were trying to shake off a weird vision. It just couldn't possibly be real. A tall slim figure finally emerged from the shadows of the hallway. You swallowed hard. The bangs framed his face, while some were gathered at the center of his forehead. A couple of bandages covered his right eye and his right arm was in a sling. You couldn't have mistaken him for anyone else, no matter how much you wanted to.
"What the hell is she doing here?" his voice thundered. Dazai stopped in the middle of the room, casting a scornful glance at everyone present, his eyes never stopping on you.
"I asked the fucking question: what the hell is she doing here?" he reiterated, almost shouting, his cheekbones sharper than a knife as he clenched his teeth without getting a response once again. For the first time in your life, you heard his tone so harsh and his voice so loud. For the first time in your life, you were scared to death, bashfully removing your shaking legs from the table and sitting up straight. Yet you couldn't find the strength to look away from his face.
The next second, his tall figure approached you, grabbing your wrist and dragging you out of the office. You could barely follow him, stumbling as you went, clutching at everything you saw on your way, frantically trying to stay on your feet. You could hear the members of your gangs yelling as they watched your retreating figures, but before you could make out a single word, the door shut behind you with a rumbling thud. In an instant your back was pressed against the wall of the empty corridor, his hand a few inches from your face. He was hovering over you with his whole body, not giving you the faintest chance to slip away.
"What the hell is going on?" he hissed, lifting your head by the chin to look into your eyes for the first time so far. "What the hell are you doing here? How did you find me?"
"So you're that scary Port Mafia boss everyone's so afraid of, Osamu?" your eyes ran across his face, hoping to see at least a glimpse of the man you knew.
"What the fuck are you doing here? I'm not going to play these stupid games. I'm asking you one last time," his hand squeezed your chin a little harder, causing you to press against the wall even further.
"I'm here to solve the problem with the territory your fucking organization is trying to steal from us. And as head of the special department, I couldn't let these negotiations pass me by without getting to know firsthand the man who's pulling off such dastardly schemes. Turns out it was you who ran it all along, when you weren't in bed with me," you pushed him away from you with force, freeing yourself from his iron grip.
Dazai froze for a moment, absorbing everything you just said to him, his eyes glittering for a second the way they did when you shared your little secrets, lying under the starry sky, hiding in each other's warmth. But then they grew even colder than they had ever been when he grabbed you by the collar of your coat, almost lifting you off the ground.
"So you've been double-teaming this whole time, like a fucking brat," he spat, full of rage looking you straight in the eye, his cheeks bulged with anger.
"I haven't done anything I can't blame you for, either," you retorted, clawing at the fabric of his coat with your fingernails.
At that moment, there was a banging on the door, someone was yelling threats and insults, asking for you to return to your seat, or the scuffle would start right then and there. You both fell silent, turning toward the locked door. In the next second, Dazai unlocked his fingers, shoving you aside and, swinging the doors open with his foot, knocking several people down in the process, went to the exit of the building.
"Deal with it yourselves, I'm leaving," he barked before disappearing from sight.
Everyone in the room followed his figure with a bewildered look and then turned to face you. With the rest of your dignity clenched in your fists, you got up from the floor, shook off your clothes, and headed for the exit without saying a word.
Your paths never crossed again, and you didn't know where he was or what was happening to him all that time. Strangely enough, but it was indeed true that the port mafia retreated and no longer laid claim to your domain, and everything was resolved without argument or gunfight. And that was probably the most painful thing to realize that it was unequivocally his decision alone. You didn't seek meetings with him and tried desperately to erase him, but he wouldn't disappear in any way. You saw him in the faces of passersby, and every time you turned a corner, looking over your shoulder, you thought he was standing there.
Your paths almost never crossed, but sometimes you'd hear stories of new, particularly exquisite murders, and you'd realize that he'd been behind them. You couldn't believe that you might once have seen him as your soul mate, shared shelter and food, held his wound-riddled hand, found in him a reflection of yourself. It was funny to think about it now that you knew what was behind his wrecked exterior, and you realized that you were more alike than you'd ever imagined. It was terrifying.
Your paths had not crossed for a long time, but now they did. When the news about the boy whose head was being offered for seven billion Yen on the black market spread all over the town, it'd be foolish to believe that the executive of the most powerful mafia in town wouldn't want to get it for himself. And so you met on the doorstep of the dormitory, where the boy who was your common target was sleeping peacefully.
"I didn't expect to see you here," he walked slowly toward you, hiding his face in the raised collar of his coat.
"The whole town is aware of this deal, the stakes are high, so why shouldn't I be here?" you raised your head higher, showing with every ounce of your face that you're not going to back down.
"I didn't know they sent minions on missions like this," he grinned, shoving his hands in his pockets, "there have to be more professional people for that."
"More professional? Then what are you doing here?" you said, looking him up and down.
"Get out of my way," he pointed his fingers to the side, "I have no desire to waste time with useless talk, back off or I'll make you."
"Try," you chuckled, motioning your hand, and in that second, everything dimmed, the sky darkened, and two small tornadoes formed beside you, waiting to consume everything around.
Dazai's eyes widened, as the wind whipped across his face, tangling his hair and limiting his ability to see. "Impressive, would you scatter in the wind the only person who got into bed with you?"
"Why are you so bitter all of a sudden, don't you like it when someone else can have secrets besides you?" you raised an eyebrow, casting more streams of air over him.
His coat fluttered in the wind, forming the semblance of black raven wings behind his back. Dazai only pushed his feet even harder into the ground, leaning forward, his whole body resisting shifting.
"I had no fucking secrets, I wanted to keep you safe from the horror that surrounded me," he was now bursting into a scream in an attempt to shout down the wind. "And you brazenly lied to me, pretending to be just a nice little girl who wanted to save another poor boy. Only I'm not the poor boy. I don't need your fucking salvation."
"Osamu, I..." you tried to discern his face in the endless stream of sand and dust, swirling into more tornadoes, now surrounding you in a semicircle.
"You were the only person I could go to and foolishly trust to have you turn out to be a stalker, watching my every move. I must admit it was a smart move, I underestimated your organization, but they should have chosen someone less naïve and weak," he spat sarcastic remarks, trying to soothe that aching pain in his heart, hoping in his mind that it was from it that he would die here and now, and this time forever.
"I didn't follow you, for fuck's sake," tears streamed down your cheeks, "I knew nothing about you except that you were a nice and wounded little guy. A guy I felt happy to be with. I loved you sincerely, I would never do that to you," you screamed, dropping your hands and stopping the spinning of the air. Everything around you froze: pieces of torn fabric, packages, tree branches, stones left from destroyed buildings slowly floated in place, only to collapse with a crash to the ground a second later, raising a column of dust in the air. That was enough for Dazai to be next to you in a moment, grabbing your hand and pulling you to him with force.
"Let me go," you whispered, vainly trying to pull away, "I don't want to hurt you, don't make me, please."
"You know that one touch from me is enough to neutralize your ability, they told you that, didn't they?" his face twisted into a grimace of morbid pleasure. Seeing your eyes widen, he laughed, "Did they forget such an important detail about my identity? It seems I was right about your organization, a bunch of garbage that should be chased out of our town.
You didn't know what to answer, because you simply didn't know what you were going for when you drove here without the rest knowing.
"Now come with me," he gripped your hand a little tighter, "and I will kill that boy in front of you in the most ingenious way so that you can tell your bosses about it in detail later, when you are in a hurry to pack your gear to flee town before I come for your heads."
"You will not hurt this child, Osamu. No one is going to do him any harm," you stared confidently into his dark eyes, gleaming under the light of the lone moon.
"What are you talking about? Are you out of your mind?" his eyebrows knitted into a thin line, "there's more money for this boy's head than you could ever imagine, and all that money will be mine." He dragged you toward the entrance to the dormitory, holding you firmly by your forearm.
"Wait, just hold on a minute, listen to me," you grabbed the hem of his coat in an attempt to stop him. "You're right, I really was playing a double game, I really was a fucking spy," you exhaled, trying to get more air in your lungs so that you could tell him everything before he would blatantly interrupt you. "I pretended to be a different person, but I never did it around you."
Dazai paused, looking at you with a baffled expression, his lips parted slightly to utter something, but almost immediately he shut himself up, giving you a chance to continue.
"I was spying. But not on you. All this time I was working for the agency, I was supposed to join the ranks of this group and break it down from within. Getting rid of them, one by one or all at once, it didn't really matter. All this time they were my main task, not you, Osamu, please believe me.
Dazai, who hadn't expected such a revelation, remained dazedly silent as his eyes darted from your face to the sign behind your back that said The Armed Detective Agency dormitory. His eyebrows rose, returning the boyish look to his face. Thoughts jumbled in his head wondering how he could have fucked up like that. Surely you were too good for someone who could get involved with the goddamn mafia. He blamed himself for such a slip and for just being able to have that kind of thought about you. He regretted that he had never been able to drown himself that day when he saw you in his office: frightened but so driven. A heavier stone and the bottom of the sea, hidden in the darkness of the stormy waters, that's what he really deserved.
"Osamu, I know that deep down you're not like that at all. You're just a lost man who has failed to make sense of right and wrong, a man who deserves the best but always chooses the worst for himself," you gently reached out to him, tentatively placing your hand on his cheek, gently running your finger along his bandage. "We can make the only right decision now and let the kid live. You know your heart is not so evil, Osamu. Stay with me, join the agency, we can be together, we can right the wrongs of the past."
The rising wind, as if by your hand, gently brushed the fallen strands from his face, exposing his eyes that shimmered like two small agates. He flattered at your gentle touch, remembering what it was like to be loved so tenderly and delicately. Your words echoed in his head, intertwined with the last words Oda said before he died in his arms. Maybe he really should have tried to live right. Perhaps he really should have tasted life filled with your presence and the right thoughts. But...
He pulled away from you abruptly, brushing your hand aside, "How can I possibly trust you when all you do is lie. You lied to me, you lie to all the members of your motherfucking organization, you lie to yourself when you wake up every fucking morning. Your whole life is a lie. Our whole life has been a deception."
"There will be no more secrets between us, I promise, if you come with me, I will never keep anything from you again. Just trust me...like the first time when you allowed me to bandage your shredded wrists. I'll be there to mend all your wounds. I promise. I still love you, Osamu."
He shuddered at the mere mention of his name, and how gentle it sounded coming from your lips. He recoiled, unable to look you in the eye anymore. His lips formed a thin line, his hands dropped down.
"Do what you have to Y/N. Protect this child. Not me," he turned around and strode hurriedly away, wrapping himself in the coat, trying to find at least a drop of warmth on this windy night. And he never looked back.
You shouted his name watching his fading figure, and raised your hand to try and stop him, but almost immediately lowered it, unable to hurt him more than you already had. The merciless wind rippled your open coat, sending a bunch of goosebumps down your back. But that was not the reason you were cold whatsoever.
Two years have passed since the night his dark figure vanished into the arms of the night. You heard that no one else had seen him in town after that. Only occasionally you heard rumors from other distant corners of the country that he had been spotted in bars, where he ordered the same drink every time, and, drunk as a skunk, left the place and the town. You wondered if it was your own kind of credit that he left the port mafia, or if he just couldn't stomach the idea of even being in the same town as you. Either way, it seemed to you that you could never find solace in walking in the places where you had learned to live together without depending on the world. You spent two years continuing to work for the agency, fighting for what you used to think was good and true. Not forgetting for a moment his face as well.
It was one morning when, gathered in the conference room, you and the other detectives were noisily discussing what action should be taken against the Port Mafia, which was once again rampaging, when you were interrupted by the sound of President Fukuzawa's hoarse voice.
"I know you're very much in the middle of something, but I want to introduce you to a new member of our agency," he said firmly, stepping aside to reveal a figure leaning against the door jamb. He wore a long sand-colored trench coat, the belt of which was untied, he had bandages wrapped around his entire body; everything about him was the same only that his face was left uncovered.
You rose from your seat, open-mouthed, unable to believe your eyes. His brown eyes looked only at you, and then he smiled with the corners of his lips, winking at you before he muttered a quiet, "Hello, little spy".
reblogs and comments are very much appreciated! <3
IT'S HERE Y'ALL
I CRIED A FUCKING RIVER
THANKS, HONEY, FOR THIS MASTERPIECE 🥹💛
