The dreaded silent treatment, I must admit I have been the abuser and the victim of this learned physiological behavior. Giving someone the silent treatment can be for a variety of reasons but, in all honesty, they are selfish to the person your inflicting this behavior on. When I think about why I did it to others was because, I wanted to avoid talking to the person who I was upset with. I’m talking about using the silent treatment with someone you have a relationship with whether it be mother-daughter, friend, or romantic.
My behavior is learned, I would use silent treatment to avoid talking about my feelings. My feelings get hurt easily (tenderhearted) and I work hard not to hurt those around me. In my thought process of not hurting others with my true feelings I would shut down. My habit of suppressing my feelings and then waiting until I erupt before I say anything has not helped. During my moments of silence, I take my time to sort out my thoughts and feelings before I address an issue. In the past I would give the silent treatment without giving my victim a reason to why I would not talk to them. I still find myself sometimes becoming silent when I have expressed my concerns and see as the other person does not see where I have been hurt.
I am working on deprogramming myself from the silent treatment behavior. Taking moments when something makes me uncomfortable to just admit it right away. I might not be able to speak my true feelings in the moment, because I might be still trying to decipher them myself. I am learning how to journal my thoughts in moments of confusion or pain. This has helped me a lot, through writing I have been able to work out the feelings that I was feeling about an incident. After I have written down my feelings I can determine at that time was is important enough to even address the concern. I am learning to be okay with not knowing my true feelings right away, and to make sure I communicate even in difficult situations when I’m not okay.
I am learning the hard way that not everyone will care about your feelings or understand that their behaviors can affect others. Its okay to be an adult and work through your own hurt feelings. Its okay not to allow yourself to continually be hurt by the same person. This is not to say that you should give up on someone because, they are not seeing the pain they are causing you. I say use a little wisdom and empathy when it comes to dealing with another people, they are human. The word being human, each individual person has their own pains and learned behaviors.
When someone inflicts pain on you, do you see the pain that they might be going through? Hurt people hurt people! Take the time to consider and empathize with the other person before giving them the silent treatment. No one is perfect and everyone make mistakes. I know that I am not perfect, and I make a lot of mistakes and try my best with humility and apologize when I’m wrong. Pride stands in the way of really learning how to talk to someone about hurt, forgive someone when they have wronged you, and be honest enough to say that you need that person in your life. I know that my pride has come between some great relationships and I have had to step back and really evaluate my level empathy for others.
To my independent, kind-hearted, prideful, strong-willed, strong readers! Do the work that it takes to heal, its important to those around you to be able to see you take the time to love on your self and heal from past pain. It takes time to heal and its not going to happen overnight.
Black Love is great, but we also need to talk about emotional abuse in our relationships. (2016, December 07). Retrieved from https://afropunk.com/2016/12/black-love-is-great-but-we-also-need-to-talk-about-emotional-abuse-in-our-relationships/
Courtney N. Wright & Michael E. Roloff (2009) Relational Commitment and the Silent Treatment, Communication Research Reports, 26:1, 12-21, DOI: 10.1080/08824090802636967
Young, P. B. (2019, July 01). The Surprising Truth About the Silent Treatment. Retrieved from https://www.heysigmund.com/the-silent-treatment/#:~:text=The silent treatment happens when, involved more than 14,000 participants.
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