#itsnotyourfault

[chimchimsauce]

Jimin: "I'm a bad boyfriend"

Me:

[shyticklishguy]

Hey you...yeah you! That thing you’re worried about? This is for you! :)

[auburnbriefs]

Me when they say that the world doesn't need another band

[downrightanxious]

I like tumblr because I know that my great aunt Sue isn’t on here shoveling her conservative republican Obama hating and uneducated post down my throat every time a gun goes off.

That being said I want to share with you something that is very personal but not something I want to be made political. I have handled it in a way that was best for me and I hope that if some other piece of literature comes your way that is similar take it for its emotions not for laws or political race.

On August 16, 2010 I was tide to a metal poll and raped by an ex that I refused to give my virginity to, and some of his buddies. The pain was awful, the baggage I carried for eight years was worse. My parents both being workaholics believed the story of me falling off a zip line at my grandmothers house and hitting a tree.

About a month later I realized that could be pregnant, and at the age of 14 I swung into undercover panic mode. I knew my parents would kill me if they knew I was pregnant so I knew I had to somehow make a lot of money quickly so I could do it on my own. I then started dealing drugs. I got really good at it too, little upper middle class white girl on the volleyball team that can’t even drive could sling some serious dope.

Anyway on January 14th, 2011 I lost the baby. I gave birth twenty weeks early. Again parents didn’t bat an eye it was just after Christmas and they were happy to have me at “a friends house for a couple of days”. At 11:34am January 14, 2011 I gave birthday to a very still baby boy.

Not once did I weep, not for another seven years did I cry. I paid my hospital bills with the money I had made dealing and began to live on.

I don’t want anyone to read this and think that I am looking for attention because that’s the last thing I want. If there is one person out there anywhere that is struggling for depression, anxiety, insomnia, or anything that is bringing your state of life lower than what is healthy please get help. You will not be able to live your life to the fullest and trust anyone until you see that it’s not for fault that you can’t get out of bed sometimes, it’s not your fault that you don’t want to party all the time and it’s not your fault that you feel like you are trapped In your own mind because honestly no one will ever understand. For me that has become a beautiful thing. This experience and my mental health has beat me to the ground and seven years later I decided I wanted to fall in love with myself again, and I have. I love me even the parts of me that are bursting with stretch marks from a pregnancy that never made it to term, because I did that. I made it here, I will soon be a married college grad. Do I still struggle every day yes of course but I have learned that the struggle that I pull around gets a little bit smaller every time I can put my faith in another person for a change.

[megrose0928-blog]

There are so many who have been sexually harassed or assaulted. Men, women, and children. And so often, those affected go on through life, piling blame, self-doubt, and justifications on top of these heinous actions. Many of you will understand what I mean when I say these things live with you, an unwelcome guest, forever. The anxiety never leaves. The fear leeches from your mind. And your heart remains guarded to all. We as a society need to stop brushing these horrifying occurrences under the table, and stop blaming those who have been assaulted. It is NOT our fault. It has taken me YEARS to learn that, and I still struggle with those nagging "buts" and "if I did _ differently". For those reading this, who understand... it's not your fault. And I am here to listen and talk and remind you of your worth. #metoo #standtogether #itsnotyourfault