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Hurt

By how you seem to not care about what I say

By how you’re so quick to defend, to justify so that there’s no need for comfort

By how distant you seem when you supposedly apologize

By what seems to be the lack of understanding and listening

So I will comfort myself

And tell myself I’ll be ok

I surrender all

In His presence, there is Hope. Nothing is final, only God has the final say. He makes all things beautiful again.

18.12.2021

Back here to remind myself that some fights can only be won with His strength. In the midst of the battles, what seems to be defeat, God has overcome because nothing is impossible for Him. As we submit and surrender our hearts, and align them with His, He makes things beautiful again.

2021

2021. Sometimes, there's so little to say and yet so much to feel. In a nutshell, 2021 was dull and yet a cumulation of ups and downs. While we worked from home and did not meet people much, we experienced the intensity of highs and lows together, between ourselves, because we were just that far away from others.

Our days were occupied by the stresses of work, and rest days on the weekends. We sometimes argued, fought, surrendered, battled. We learned how to forgive, accept, and see ourselves as a team. All in all, God helped me see that life on earth was just a temporary journey, and that we are all on our way to become better versions of ourselves. We will not look back to where we came from, but will keep looking forward in hope of His promises to a better place than the present. Than here.

So I will sum up my thanksgiving in a post, here.

1. I thank God for sustaining me through the multiple team movements throughout the year. Initially I was worried about how burdensome it could be, that I might waste my entire year just working to stabilize the team. God blessed me with a great help, and work was much more manageable than expected, more manageable than I had ever experienced. I transited into my AVP role, doing less and reviewing more. I learned to be a better person, to be more forgiving, patient, forbearing of mistakes and inefficiencies. I received great feedback from both my team and manager, mostly recognizing my heart for the team's development and overall well-being.

During the year I battled from time to time dissatisfaction over my compensation and the seeming lack of appreciation from the stakeholders, which was a consistent sentiment across the teams. But time and again, I felt God teaching me to be contented and grateful, to shift my focus away from the material gains and comforts, and instead to always be thankful for my lot in life, be it big or small. I learned to be genuinely happy for others, to not compare, but to celebrate others' successes and opportunities.

At the end of it all, in spite of my nervousness about my year-end review, God surprised me with a better than expected rating from my boss (notwithstanding it got calibrated downwards firm-wide, but it's OK) and compensation that exceeded my admittedly low expectations, which was intended to curb any potential disappointment. I thank God for His faithfulness in my work life, for sustaining me and granting me favour in contributing meaningfully to team discussions, and it has taught me to always trust Him to lead me in my work; no matter how seemingly dull and repetitive the day-to-day may seem, He is there.

With that, I will learn to trust that He will continue to be with me and will guide me on the road ahead, be it to stay on or to leave at the right time as He leads.

dry; only He satisfies

Jesus I am thirsty Won't You come and fill me Earthly things have left me dry Only You can satisfy All I want is more of You

All I want is more of You All I want is more of You Nothing I desire Lord But more of You All I want is more of You All I want is more of You Nothing I desire Lord But more of You More of You

The Lord bless you And keep you Make His face shine upon you And be gracious to you The Lord turn His Face toward you And give you peace

Listening to: Throne of Praise, Our Father, Sovereign Over Us, Reign in Us

Sovereign Over Us

There is strength within the sorrow There is beauty in our tears And You meet us in our mourning With a love that casts out fear You are working in our waiting You're sanctifying us When beyond our understanding You're teaching us to trust

Your plans are still to prosper You have not forgotten us You're with us in the fire and the flood You're faithful forever Perfect in love You are sovereign over us

You are wisdom unimagined Who could understand Your ways Reigning high above the Heavens Reaching down in endless grace You're the lifter of the lowly Compassionate and kind You surround and You uphold me And Your promises are my delight

Even what the enemy means for evil You turn it for our good You turn it for our good and for Your glory Even in the valley, You are faithful You're working for our good You're working for our good and for Your glory

You're faithful forever Perfect in love You are sovereign over us

Running the race faithfully

What will it be like when my pain is gone And all the worries of this world just fade away? What will it be like when You call my name And that moment when I see You face to face?

I'm waiting my whole life to hear You say

Well done, well done My good and faithful one Welcome to the place where you belong Well done, well done My beloved child You have run the race and now you're home Welcome to the place where you belong

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Love compels one to care and reach out. Without such love, we only love ourselves. God, help me to be a carrier of Your love. To love the way You would love if You were here physically on earth. So that people will know that this love is like no other. It reaches out and perseveres. May 1 Corinthians 13 be the way I love.

Listening to: Well Done, Be Glorified, Your Presence is Heaven

Reading: Hebrews 12, 1 Corinthians 13

Goodness Of God - Bethel Music

I love You Lord Oh Your mercy never fails me All my days I've been held in Your hands From the moment that I wake up Until I lay my head I will sing of the goodness of God

All my life You have been faithful All my life You have been so, so good With every breath that I am able I will sing of the goodness of God

I love Your voice You have led me through the fire In darkest nights You are close like no other I've known You as a father I've known You as a friend I have lived in the goodness of God

Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me With my life laid down, I’m surrendered now, I give You everything Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me

Listening to Pachabel

It’s you - there is no one else for me. Every moment from now on, we will work it through together.

Back, but brb

OK I am back. I might have been randomly inspired by “Where Rainbows End” and some of “Jane the Virgin” to just document thoughts as and when they come.

It’s been such a slow yet busy year. Even as I type this out I feel the urge to rush through it. Due to the Covid-19 situation we have slowed down in most of our activities, yes, like travelling, meeting of friends, doing things we love. Yet it’s also been busy working from home, planning the wedding, re-planning the wedding (may I add...). It’s just about time to take stock amidst the rush, year on year, just so we know we are on the right track with the way we are living life.

There is much to be thankful for lately, yet as mentioned, too busy to document. Sigh, bad excuse. I should really sit down and write it down. Our hearts are forever thankful for God’s grace and provision in Ed’s work, us getting the house of our dreams, never having to worry about the wedding expenses, getting a rented place far better than we had expected/tried to get, and the wedding venue we thought we’d never have our wedding at. Our vendors have also been incredible (comes with a price tag, but still, focusing on the good), and I am so proud to work with my dream team AIB! Adora recently left Tiara which was a bummer and I will still say that I miss her, without which it is just different. We recently went down for a fitting again and let’s just say - her absence is truly felt. We still have a number of wedding errands to finalise and I do need to slow down, trust God, and stop worrying about the small things (though honestly, it’s with good reason!).

I’ll be back again to rush less soon.

22 days to #mannyedventures!

I’ve come to realise, how distracted my mind and heart is. Can I sit still not thinking about anything and instead focusing on Him?

You say speak, and we say, "move" You say watch, what You can do You say trust, and then You prove You're the God who moves the mountains The God who moves the mountains

“I thought I did what's right I thought I had the answers I thought I chose the surest road But that road brought me here

So I put up a fight And told You how to help me Now just when I have given up The truth is coming clear

You know better than I You know the way I've let go the need to know why For You know better than I

I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky I saw a bird and thought that I could follow But it was you who taught that bird to fly If I let you reach me will you teach me”

So much has happened, so humbled I am. The lyrics above speak right into what we just experienced. But God has left me in awe and so much humility. Truly, surely, He showed us that He provides more than we could ever imagine.

Gather thoughts another day.

Mid week // break

Jesus I am thirsty Won't You come and fill me Earthly things have left me dry Only You can satisfy All I want is more of You

All I want is more of You All I want is more of You Nothing I desire Lord But more of You All I want is more of You All I want is more of You Nothing I desire Lord But more of You More of You

From now on, everything with you ❤️❤️

Current Time - 8 Jan 2020

There are some points in life where you just look back behind your shoulder and smile with fond remembrance for the memories, the ups and downs you have once been through. And with a thankful heart, remembering that you are in the ‘now’, you resume looking forward and to the future that is here and ahead with you.

Thank you 1988 to 2019 for all that you have taught me. I look forward to the future with bright eyes and an open heart.

#closure #preweddingwords

Mood: Happy

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a thousand words