June 7, 2020
A few days later.. I finally slept through the night, and woke up at a decent hour. Still not really understanding how I feel about things. I don’t feel as sad as I did the past week. I believe Cheyenne has something to do with that. She’s a good person to vent to. She understands better than anyone else has. Sad to say that my husband has nothing to do with my sudden mood change. I noticed he took his ring off.. granted I haven’t been wearing mine, but not out of spite. I believe he took his off because he think I took mine off to hurt him. Honestly, him not wearing his ring doesn’t bother me because it hurts, it bothers me because he never asked why.. A simple question. He has been trying to talk to me, but I don’t like that he’s doing it because he feels guilty. Because what does he need to feel guilty about? What did he do to make himself feel this way? What makes him think that I hate that he’s going after his dreams? I love it! If anything I envy him. He doesn’t have the pressure of constantly wondering how the kids are doing. He doesn’t get called on all day every day by the kids when they want or need something. It’s ALWAYS mommy’s job. He doesn’t get that. Oh, well. I know these blogs are all over the place, but that’s literally the way my brain works. I think of many things at once and never have anyone to talk to about it.
Some people think I’m going through postpartum.. which may be the case. Supposedly I had it after having my son. I kind of spazzed on his father after dealing with so much BS back to back. I don’t think that had to do with my postpartum, he was just an inconsiderate asshole who I never should’ve gotten involved with. I partly blame my lovely husband for that one. Had he not gotten another woman pregnant, I wouldn’t have crossed that line with BD. That’s really sucky way for me to feel because then neither of our baby boy’s would be here. Things happen for a reason but geez.. What if this is why I’m so comfortable with him leaving or him not wanting to be with me anymore. I’m so use to him leaving and I’m just waiting in the shadows for him to come back whenever he’s ready. If only his BMs could see this side of me.. The insecure, stupid side. Wonder if she’d still think I felt I was better than her. Sad. I’m so hard on myself, yet no one truly sees it. People in my family think that I have everything under control. IT’S A LIE! I’m very good at putting on a happy face and pretending everything is fine. It’s all pretend.
On a positive note, I got my acceptance letter to college. Surprisingly it doesn’t feel as good as I thought it would. Just feels like another task that’s going to take over my life. I guess I’m okay with it though. At least I’ll be getting something out of it. I’ll be getting a degree! I’m excited about that part. One step closer to being a business owner. Having my own business. The thought of having my dreams actually coming to life is nice. I’ll hold on to that happy place, for now..
Until next time,
xo