TO MY DEAREST LOVE,
I do hope you’ll find your time to read this because it’s the last letter I have for you. And I won’t have to send you the paper where these thoughts.
Dearest Astrid,
How do I start something that’s going to end? Where do I begin? You said you’ll be far away and I thought you wanted to be alone. Perhaps not, because you’re going far away with someone and don’t worry because that’s fine with me, as along as it makes you extremely happy.
I understand, I get it. I wish you just told me the truth because I deserve to know it. I may not deserve you anymore but I deserve to know why you were dodging me, avoiding me, acting like we haven’t shared tough moments we had in life. It felt like I was abandoned by my best friend. I know it’s giving you a hard time to speak to me, and I’ll respect that, that’s why when you said you don’t want to see me, I stopped. I don’t want to annoy you anymore, it’s like seeing your face when you cried because you had a fight with O and I was there, one night, to see it.
I’m sorry I haven’t been always there with your struggles, I was far away being busy molding our future so you and your family will be proud of me, regardless of me being this. But then, it seems that it’s not me, whom you wanted to be with. I wasn’t there but perhaps someone was and I’ll not be mad, but rather thankful that someone was there for you.
I just wanted to know the truth, and you were too loving to hurt me with words but let me do or say it instead. I know the reason and I know it has been always me who messed up. I told you, I’m being left behind because I’m a mess.
I haven’t given the best and I can’t blame you if you’ll love me lesser or your love will completely fade. I know you did your best, and I know I tried to be the best for you. I know you will never give me the chance because I don’t deserve it. Don’t worry, everything’s fine with me.
You may think that people surrounding us will hate you or what. I just want you to know that I don’t, never will. You have always been the most wonderful thing that had happen in my life and on all the decisions you’ll be making, I will always find a way to respect and understand, because I will always have your back.
I will say sorry, in advance, if it will take time for me to be your friend because I don’t think I can be a good one yet to the person I have been in love with. This is not what you call being romantic, it’s me being real. But if there’s one thing I can do for you, on the things you wanted, that is to be at my best even though we’re being apart. To be honest, I envy the way you were proud of O for being a dean’s lister, for having a girlfriend now, for being at his best because of your decision to finally end what’s with you and him. I’ve been carrying that thought for months now and I was hurt because it’s the least thing I’d wanted to hear from a separation. I respect that he was your friend, and you were right along. That’s why I wanted to have the best you want me to have so you can really be proud of me as much as you were with him. I won’t fail you, I promise. I will achieve all my goals.
Don’t worry because I know someone’s special is trying to win your heart and I don’t have plans on stopping him because he can take care of you more. I was not a doubtful person, I know you know it. I felt it, with your actions, that you wanted to meet others, and didn’t bother to ask you because I wanted to hear it from you. I will not be mad at all, love, if you ever wanted to meet or love a different person. I would still be happy for you. You don’t have to worry because I will stay far away from the both of you, you will never hear anything from me and I will be your least problem because I don’t want to ruin people again. I don’t want to be the cause again. I don’t want to be left behind, again.
If you ever find your way back in love, I hope it makes you really happy. I hope he makes you happy, I hope he will not disrespect or hurt you, I hope he will never leave you for someone, I hope he will always look up for you, I hope he can bring the smile back in your face, I hope for the best, for the both of you and I will not be mad at all.
I can’t make you prouder as much as I can see how you can be proud of him.
I’m letting you go, just like what you’ve wanted and I will never ask for any extensions or what so ever. Just go because you deserve more than what I can give.
I know it has been a rough year, and it just happened that I was part of it. I wanted you to move forward and start a good year, the best year you can have because you deserve it. Please move forward with a big smile and you don’t have to worry about me because you can now go ahead and leave me with along with this rough year, you can go ahead and bury me in your past and forget me. Forget the box, forget the letters, forget everything that makes you remind of me. Don’t worry, I will just be fine, there in your past.
Thank you for everything, thank you for holding my hand when no one dared, thank you for telling me you love me, thank you for being the best girlfriend anyone can have, thank you for being there, always, especially when we almost lost Mama.
I know someday, in a different dimension or universe, our paths might cross again and if you can no longer remember me, I’d be glad to introduce myself again. Or if we may not have that chance, I just want you to know that you will always hold a special place in my heart.
You will be a chef, I know it. You’ll be a successful one. We may not have our restaurant cafe business but I know you will have your own.
Promise me to be happier, without me. Promise me that you’ll always be happy on your decisions because you deserve that happiness.
I was not mad, for you leaving. I was never mad. It’s time for me to go now, and time for me to let you go. And for the last time, I’m going to say it:
I love you, from the moment we laid eyes, even if we have to say goodbye. I love you, beyond reality and beyond this time and beyond this world.
Paalam, mahal ko.
@sirenangnawawala
