Blog they said.. It'll be fun they said.

"Your body is a temple, but only if you treat it as one.” -Astrid Alauda

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.MY.LIFE.

So, I'm going to try and tell this story while simultaneously trying to NOT give this person away. But it's my boss. Basically, he's been in trouble for sexual harassment before. He's a heavier man, who has consistently terrible breath and is just really not nice. However, he's unusually nice to me. And is patient and speaks in a nice tone while screaming at the other nurses in the office. Also, he refers to me as "little one" which to me is like a pet name. Like he's one pet name away from sexually harassing me. Not really, he has not made ANY moves or been forward with me. But I also wear a fake engagement ring and refer to my fiancé as Antoine. Because only big muscular men who kick people's asses are named antione. If I sent myself flowers from my fake fiancé would that be taking things too far? Like, maybe subconsiously Antione is real to me and I'm loosing my mind. What do I do when my boss asks me how my fiancé an I met? Or how he proposed? Should I quickly change the subject or should I totally go with it and say I was proposed too on a hot air balloon? And what about work functions? Sorry everyone in my office, my fiancé has social anxiety and doesn't do well at Christmas parties? I feel like that would jinx me. Home girl is already walking a fine line with the possibility of ever getting married. If he asks I'll just be honest: "No sir, I actually wear it so men don't hit on me or sexually harass me." Too much? Also. I've been phone less all week. Which oddly enough I've really enjoyed. But please understand this is my, like, 15th iPhone in 4 years. I'm not being sarcastic. But I left this phone somewhere in my office and it got stolen. Which is fine. But I go to call AT&T and they inform me my normally 115$ bill is 400$. Wait, what? Apparently this thief took advantage of the "text this number" commercials. Like, for almost $250 this person better know their fucking horoscope like the back of their hand now and they better know if them and their significant other are compatible and how many kids they will have and at what age the little shit will die at. If they would of just looked at my very well organized app folders under mother fucking HOROSCOPES they would of found like 10 horoscope apps. (Because if I don't like my horoscope on one app I'll go to anothe until I like it. hehe.) Also what happened to love calculator? Go to lovecalculator.com and it will give you the honest truth if you are compatible with your partner. They're so precise they can even give you a percentage. So, how do you tell someone that you didn't make those charges, from your own phone? "Listen sir, I'm 24 years old. I am old enough to know better than to text those numbers. Oh you can tell I texted those numbers 4 years ago? I WAS 20 AND DIDN'T KNOW IF JON AND I WERE GOING TO WORK! I KNOW THAT ANSWER NOW. What are you? A mother effing detective? Are you in the FBI? NO! YOu work for me!!!!!!! Want to know how that worked out? I owe 400$ by Thursday. It's also my birthday month. What kind of cruel world is this? For my birthday I want a kitten. Like, not one I physically take care of. But one I adopt but someone else takes care of and I just get picture updates. And I get to name it Purrrrlock Holmes. Alright guys, I'm done.

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Meow!!!

So, my bestie sent me a pic of a truck full of cat "houses" and posts that cats can frolic and jump on. Why you ask? Because she said she immediately thought of me when she saw it. If that isn't the biggest sign I am going to be a cat lady, I don't know what is. Also, my mom has a lot of cats. And being a cat lady is a disease. And I'm relatively sure it's hereditary. Sooooooo... Basically I suck at dating not because of me, but because I'm destined to be a cat lady, so I'm just not datable. On a happy note, I got a new job today at an oral surgeons office. I clearly can't discuss patients because of HIPPA but please understand I was put in super awkward situations today. I also ate shit because I didn't wear skid proof shoes. In front of a super attractive patient. So, is god telling me I just need to become a lesbian? Because, his plan isn't working. However, he's really close. So I got home, and I feel I've accomplished a lot today. Hello, I got myself a career. So I clearly skipped out on working out. Yes, I've only worked out once. Which was yesterday. But give me some slack people, I'm a WORKING INDEPENDENT WOMAN! But, truly, I'm so sore I was walking around like I had a stick up my ass and its only gotten worse as the day has progressed. Me on a treadmill would of looked like forest gump running with his leg braces on (prior to the miracle moment they broke off.) So my work out today: standing on my feet for twelve hours and using my arms to raise me up and down chairs. What I ate: 1) Breakfast: egg white omelette with broccoli and tbs cheese & apple. COFFEE!!!!! 2) Lunch: Jimmy Johns umwich (lettuce wrap) with turkey, avocado, cucumber & provolone. COFFEE! 3) Dinner; wheat noodles w/ light clam sauce and snap peas. Oh, and WHITE WINE!!!!

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Killer duck

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Hey, ducks suck and I'm clumsy.

So today, today was the day my friends. I worked out. And hard. Like, I felt like jello immediately leaving the gym. But it's real life guys, I have a busy birthday month starting on Wednesday. and it will consist of nothing but south Florida, bathing suits, Atlanta and cute little birthday dresses that require impeccable physiques. I stuck to cardio, abs and booty :) I also worked a little arms in with my squats. I will post a "before" picture when I have an "after" picture to compare it too. Ask me if I'm that ridiculous, and I will tell you yes. I also laid out by the pool. For those of you who know me, I'm a normal human. I have an interesting heritage but none that provokes interest or question. So, I dyed my hair dark brown, and paired with my (amazing) tan, I guess I look not normal. I've had, multiple upon multiple people, ask my ethnicity. Like, Chinese and South African, duh? I clearly look as American as they come. But look, I won't disagree when you tell me I look Brazilian. If you want to compare me to Adriana Lima, I'm totally okay with that. Also, totally ate shit at the pool. Like in my baby bikini, with the population of the pool area being mostly men. Sometimes I wonder why I'm single, and then I eat shit, scream and run from bumble bees and attractively try and fish my water bottle from the pool (my ass crack may or may not of been showing and I may or may not of cared.) YOLO! To end this beautiful Tuesday, I was chased by a killer duck. His pic will be above this post. Even in the picture he is like, eying me down. Listen crazy ducky, I have no bread for you. And personally, I like the sweet yellow ducks. You look like you're on duck drugs and the fact you chased me, literally around the entire parking lot, makes me want to feed you moldy bread. What I ate today: 1) Breakfast: 2 hard boiled eggs, steel cut oatmeal w/ cinnamon and a banana 2) Lunch: Protein shake, carrots and turkey and cheese roll up 3) Dinner: Baked grouper (with oil and capers) broccoli and black rice Work outs: Cardio: 2 miles Various abs Various lunges, squats and booty work outs with altering weights.

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Break ups

Listen, there are few things in life I feel I am highly educated about. Friends don't come to me for advice, I rarely know what I am talking about, and give advice I don't even follow. However, break ups, I'm relatively knowledgable on, my forte even. I've dabbled in a few in my day. My advice is as follows.... First, life goes on. You'll be okay. I'm writing this while listening to I can't make you love me by Bonnie Raitt. If I can do that, you can do anything. Secondly, stop associating random things to your ex. "Omg, they serve chips and salsa here? We used to always eat chips and salsa together."And if its something that is directly related to him, like, I don't know, his bed? it's best to just avoid that association all together. Thirdly, the second guess. Remember that one time you thought "Um.. he shaves his legs and drives a ford focus, not super sure thats an acceptable combo?" That my friend, is what you cling too. Do not use the excuse that he was just well groomed and eco conscious. No, homeboys a little weird, and your intuition was correct in the beginning. Fourth, Break up songs. Stay away. Because there is always one that speaks directly to you. "Like, omg, whit you're right, I WILL always love him." Rap, always pick rap. The more demeaning to women, the better. You know what, maybe bandz WILL make me dance? my pimpin IS ice cold and all these bitches ARE tryna chill. And a$ap, you do have a fuckin' problem (aside from the dollar sign in your name,) coincidentally, my ex had that very same problem. "God, I love your baggy underwear that semi-looks like you shit yourself. Oh, And the 2 inchs of roots? They really compliment your split ends and general Courtney Love circa 1994 look you have going on." Said. No one. Ever. Motivation, let the break up be just that. Oh, but he liked you the way you were, and you don't understand? Lets use our context clues, he didn't. He either broke up with BECAUSE you looked like that (you ALWAYS keep it spicy until you got that ring on your finger, at least) or he told you that you looked good so he felt better about himself. Go run a mile, or two, put on those lace hankie pankies, get some ombré (and should probably throw in a trim), get every orfice waxed and go on with your bad self. Limit that post break up emotional diet. "Oh, how many calories have I consumed today? Like, at least 100." No, my almost nonexistent friend, it was 35 from that diet coke you drank that one time. That water you drank to keep you alive? Yeah, it doesn't have any calories. What do you think of when you think of Halloween? Skeletons. Why? Because they're scary. And the biggest rule of break ups. Always listen to Carrie underwood. Damn right you'll let jesus take the wheel, in fact, you'll let him take the entire fucking POS car formally known as your relationship. Before he cheats, always leave before he cheats. Slashing tires? You're not above it. And as she so eloquently put it, you have to let go of some things to get them to the other side. But by other side, she clearly meant never never land. An that my friend, is break ups 101.

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If diet is 90% food, I'm 90% screwed

So, lezbihonest. I haven't really started my program as of yet. I've been really busy....... (feel free to substitute busy with lazy.) No but really, I've come to find that one of the most difficult parts of starting a plan such as this, is actually incorporating it into your normal routine. I SWEAR I'm starting next week. I'm starting the food journal this week (bc last weekend I may or may not have had McDonalds on 4 separate occasions.) However, as always, my life is not real. I'm recently single and attempted "dating" for probably 5 minutes. First and foremost, I'm just super socially awkward. My mouth has no filter, and the things that come out of my mouth are just not necessary, in any given social situation, let alone dating. I've been pretty consistent with relationships, I feel I've always been in one, for the most part, since high school. But for the first time EVER, I'm actually content with being single. I have some super funny stories, unfortunately I can't really tell them without the other person knowing its about them. Ask me if I care and I would typically say no, unfortunately I'm just being a good person. On a side note, I've recently become obsessed with solitaire. Not just because I suck balls and win maybe 2.2% of time, but also because I use it to solve real life problems. "Should I wear this outfit tonight? If I win this game, that clearly means yes." I also use it to answer questions I may have about my futureWill I ever get married? If I win this game, I will. Oh, fuck, that game didn't count. Two out of three." So, if I've ever turned you down for a date, didn't answer your calls or deleted you from my life, don't take it personally, I clearly lost that game of solitaire. If that solitaire situation didn't just prove to you and myself why I make the worst decisions ever, I don't know what will.

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Day one.

I received my first weeks work out. And it seems like an appropriate start, it will be challenging but reasonable and a perfect start. However, I'm apparently not fluent in work out. Ask me how many work outs I know from the list. I'll say two. Bike and jump rope. But, by bike do they mean a legit bike, or one in the gym? Also, are they basically the same thing? Hi, I'm caylee and I have no earthly idea what I'm doing. We begin the nutrition portion next week. However, they asked I record a log of my diet this week. Yeah, as I'm eating potato chips and drinking a red bull. Really, I want to look like the best client ever. But truthfully, I'll probably eat Chinese at least twice and consume enough calories from coffee alone to sustain me for life. Wait, coffee is bad for you? Creamer constitutes for dairy I thought? And coffee beans? Protein, duh. We've got our work cut out for us :) But I do need to purchase my fish oil this week, it's apparently super important. I feel like it hurt my stomach when I used to take it, but was told that it was mental. Probably. Eating oil from a fish isn't super settling. Especially when I wonder where exactly on a fish is the oil coming from. Also, how many Nemo's are having to die in the name of my health. Again, we have our work cut out for us. My other challenge aside from my life in general, is my work out playlist. This is crucial, otherwise I will spend my time shuffling through songs and singing every Whitney Houston song that comes on. Feel free to give me some recommendations. So far: 1) Can't hold us- Macklemore 2) Don't Stop (appropriate, right?)- Foster The People 3) Motto- Drake 4) Get Myself Together (also appropriate)- Robyn 5) Let the Groove Get In- Justin Timberlake 6) Your Body- Christina Aguleria 7) Bandza Make Her Dance- Juicy J 8) Like A Pimp Remix- David Banner 9) Gotta Get Thru This- Daniel Bedingfield 10) That Power- Will.I.Am And I have a few other prospects. But the song that has the honor of being my anthem for this entire process (possibly my life) is From the Bottom by drake. Homegirls definitely starting from the bottom. I'm on my way home from Atlanta, so I'll post my first work out (and how long it took me to YouTube everything) later.

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Good idea or best idea ever?

Welcome to the entertainment formally known as my life. Although this blog will consist of all different things regarding my life, mostly, I'm starting it to document my journey to health and fitness. I recently enrolled into a program that organizes a weekly work out schedule and nutrition plan based on my current fitness and diet. This was constructed to help me achieve personal goals I set for myself. So, basically, in weeks to come ill be looking fab :) I'll post a general synopsis of my work out and diet. I'm not going to be specific, because, well, I'm paying for it, cheap ass. Also, it took the program time and work to formulate this for me. And it was just that, for me. So it will not be beneficial or yield results for anyone else. Truly, this blog is for selfish reasons. I'm hoping it will keep me motivated, and in moments of doubt I can look back at my progress and recognize changes I might of otherwise not noticed. But I also know this journey to greatness will be funny and entertaining for others. So why not share it with others, enjoy. :)