Sheriflavored

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. -Cyril Connolly

[sheriflavored]

It’s been a while.

But I’m just here to say I turned 30 a couple months ago and honestly, I am STOKED to be in my 30s. It’s definitely an unpopular sensation. It’s not so much about the age, I am definitely feeling more bodily pains and physical limitations with the years but man, my 20s were pretty fucking exhausting. I feel like I can finally set the sails and cruise a bit. My 20s really did feel like a lot of high highs and low lows, a lot of excitement, new experiences, disappointments and growth. But now that I’m here, I feel like I know who I am, who I wanna be and what the heck I wanna do with myself (for the most part).

Oh, and I’m a homeowner now. 😅 I definitely evolved into an adult in what felt almost just overnight. But man it’s so nice to have our own space where I can put things on the walls?? And paint them?? And tear off doors??? And walk around without pants?? It’s absolutely fucking AMAZING. And it feels so freeing.

Dean and I took a huge leap last year moving to Alaska and every single day.. I can confirm it was one of the absolute best decisions I’ve ever made. Nothing can compare to the feeling free. I never realized how much living in a major metropolitan really weighed down on me. The daily stress of wasting my time away waiting in lines for everything, constantly being reminded that work should be a major part of my identity, having to fulfill my part as a contributing member of society by bearing and raising children, being so busy with plans and events that I don’t make any time to work on myself.. all of it combined was taking a huge toll on me without me even being aware of it. I feel so, god damn FREE now. Definitely recommend.

Anyway, a lot of change and plenty of excitement but all in different ways. I finally feel ready to live. Check back in soon.

[sheriflavored]

Haven’t been here in a while. I miss talking to the void. Here I am!

Wow.. the last time I posted anything I was 28?? I hardly remember who I was…what I was doing and what kind of things I was struggling through during that time.

But today, I wanted to remember the moments that happened to me despite an overall whirlwind of a day. Tet 2023, no bueno. But here are the things I was very grateful for and I’m just going to focus on those.

#1. This morning, I decided last minute to hang out with my parents and visit temple, my uncle’s spot and our store—the usual rounds for Tet. There are a lot of things I miss about being home now that we’ve moved to AK, and one of those is spending time with my aging parents. My mom’s never been one to be up to date with makeup but I know she enjoys the occasions when she has the opportunity to dress up and look her best. This year, I convinced her to let me do her makeup after I saw her do her typical routine — putting lipstick all over her face on top of some real pale (and old) face cream. I washed her face, moisturized it and did her makeup how I would do my own. She looked extra radiant today and I could tell she was giddy to spend the time with me but also to get a little time to really focus on herself. I’m going to take her to buy some things for herself tomorrow. She absolutely deserves it. I wish I had taken a photo of her today, but things really just got out of control today. This year, once she gets her brand new teeth, I’m going to try to organize a family photo session. The older I get, the more I really value these kinds of things.

#2. When we got to my parents’ store today, there was a homeless man hanging out right outside. Every shop was closed except for the tattoo shop and the one Asian take out spot and he was just hanging out - at a distance from all patrons - wishing them a happy new year as they came in and out. My parents prepared some money for him as they got out of the car and wished him a happy new year. He asked my mom something, to which my mom responded in a lighthearted joke which made the man chuckle. I can’t remember what was actually said but something that really stuck with me was how she just saw him as another human. A real, normal human. I watched as he continued his well wishes to other folks, and watched every single one of them frozen for brief moments and I could see their gears turning, deciding whether to even acknowledge this man, respond to him, or determine whether he was just giving them well wishes in exchange for money. And honestly, this was a great reminder for me to remember to be kind to people, just like mom.

#3. I’m grateful every day for the friends I’ve kept close throughout the years. Linda came and dropped off some lobster and crab for my family, knowing that we had a hard day today. I almost cried eating my first bite of lobster. I do miss having great quality friends I can see every couple of weeks.

#4. I miss home. And for the first time, home isn’t only my parents’ house anymore. Home is where my heart is, and that’s my family. While my parents and brother will always be my origin home, my home now is in Alaska with Dean and the boys. I believe I really belong there, with them and I’m honestly a bit homesick. I miss our walks with the dogs, panoramic views down the block of the entire Chugach mountains. I miss prepping to brace the cold and even painfully waiting for the windshield to thaw. I miss our routine and non-routines, and just being on the same couch barely interacting but feeling whole. For the first time, I feel like I truly belong somewhere.

[sheriflavored]

30

So I just turned 28 this year and I've been thinking a lot about 30. I'm not really scared to be considered "old" or to get wrinkles (although, it would be nice to look 18 forever). Reflecting on the last decade, I've accomplished all the goals I had for myself when I was 18. But my goals were so simple and I'd say they were more foundational and almost easy because almost everyone had the same goals. Career wise it was always get into college. Study and graduate with a major that I found interesting. Get my master's degree in an cool field so I can make some dough. Get some good work experience aka make a shit load of money. The whole point was to find something that could keep me interested and challenged. I would say I'm mostly good at what I do now. Everything feels so mundane and pointless. Change to a different industry. I tried this. I'm glad I switched from AdTech to real tech. Change companies. I've tried this too. Literally, every company is the same. Maybe not exactly the same, but at the core of it, the work will always the same; hey, you, "How do we drive growth and revenue? How do we make our product better? Where are we failing?" Yada YADA YADA. The products I've worked on have been pretty interesting...within their context. But relatively, this isn't life changing work for anyone. I've spent the last 10 years getting here, and now that I'm here, I want to start preparing for the next 10 years. As 30 is coming, I'll be about 30-50% through with what I have left of this life and I want the next chapter to be well fucking lived. Health. Time. Money. If you're a regular person, chances are, you've never really had all three at any time in your life. I think the 30s are really the time that you are the closest. From birth - 26, I had health and time but no money. From 26-28, I had health and money, but hardly any time. In the next two years, I really want to focus on building foundational income so I can afford to transition into what I want to do next (tbd, got some ideas though).

What I am scared about turning 30 is conforming to societal norms that I don't think I'm really interested in. I mean, I'd love to get married one day but I'm also considering that I kind of hate the idea of marriage. Marriages were not stemmed from the concept of love and care; marriages have deep roots in political power and economic alliances. It's kind of silly that anyone has to declare their love through this act of marriage. But hey, I still live in a shitty capitalistic country and if the tax breaks are there, count me in (but only if it's the right decision, emotionally and mentally yada yada). I'm scared that one day, when all my friends are getting married (which about 50% of them are), I will succumb to wanting something that everyone else has instead of wanting something because I want it. So friends, if that day comes, please slap me in the face and make sure I love the person I'm marrying. The other big thing is having a child, I have concluded that I for the most part love children (at least the interesting and fun ones--not the bratty little shit bags). Do I want one of my own? I don't think so. The parts I love about children is listening to them think, process and learn. I love their curiosity and their contagious (but exhausting) energy. Do I look forward to hanging out with some cool kids sometimes? Sure. Do I want to spend every waking moment of my life tied to this real, live, breathing human being that I have to care for emotionally and financially? No, not really. Does having 5 mins of fun play time make up for having to wipe their shit and staying up late night worrying about them past curfew? Hell no. But if one day, I decide that the joys of raising a child far outweigh the burdens, then okay, I will accept it. For now, there's just too many things I'd rather do and the last thing I want to do is bring a child into this world that will cause everlasting resentment in myself, the child and likely, my partner. Phew, that went on a tangent. But I think these two things are on the minds of every single person I know heading into our 30s and the last thing I want to do is do something because everyone else is doing it.

My goal for 30: start living life for me.

Honestly, this pandemic has opened up my eyes. It took away the one thing I really loved doing -- traveling, exploring, being on the move. It gave me the chance to really see where I am in my life. I was constantly working for the next big vacation...but now I want to shift to making every day feel like a vacation. Not a vacation in the sense that I want to just be bumming it out living in Hawaii surfing every day (I mean, that wouldn't be bad, but I think I'd get bored of the monotony eventually). I don't want to be bounded by "personal time off", motivated by the next "big promotion" or working on products I don't even fully understand/wholeheartedly believe in. This is really all one big disillusion, and I want more. I've spent so long trying to figure out my own identity and trying to push away the idea of self-identifying with a job. I find myself saying things like, "My job isn't my life." I'm a data scientist but if you ask me who I am, I wouldn't start off with that at all even though I know so many people want to be where I am because it's been rated on Forbes' sexiest jobs. Now I'm trying to psychoanalyze myself and ask "Well, why have I been trying to deny that so adamantly?" And now I'm concluding that what you do for a living, shouldn't identify 100% of who you are, but the parts that do help to identify you, you should be proud and happy about. My parents are proud as heck to be immigrants who came to America not knowing a lick of english or having any money in their pockets to where they are now -- business owners. They self identify with this, they are happy and proud to be business owners. It is something that they have created for themselves, it means they are hard working, persistent and actually have something to show. I want that. I want to be proud of something that I've built from the ground up. In my head, I guess I haven't really been able to check off "pride" for myself. I was proud to get my degrees and when I got my new job (with no help from any connections at all!); I wouldn't say that I built myself from the ground up... I've literally had mentor after mentor looking after me. The problem I really have with working for one of these thousands of "sexy tech" companies is that your work at the end of the day doesn't really matter. They can post a job listing and literally get hundreds if not thousands of applications that look identical to yours. You're nothing special. Your vision doesn't matter. You just happened to appear in the queue at the right time and had good enough answers. I guess I'm in that "legacy" part of my life now, and instead of children, I want something more tangible for the rest of the world with more direct impact.

My goal for my 30s: create something that is mine.

[sheriflavored]

I never thought this election would have this kind of toll on me. Honestly, it’s the most riveting thing I’ve watched in a whole whole. But the emotional and mental stress has been overwhelming.. I had the TV on election results all day yesterday and couldn’t sleep an hour after my usual bedtime. I was so upset about how close the race was. After four years of witnessing all of this.. and half of the US is still voting for this bigot of a president? I woke up earlier than usual in a semi panic mode, still with last nights election state fresh on my mind. “What if my parents lose their health insurance? They’re old now, what can they do? My dad has more pre existing conditions than I can list.” “What if my friends get deported?” “I’ve got to start thinking about moving to another country but which one?” Thoughts just racing through my head.. a part of me had silenced all those worries, “let’s just see what happens election night” I told myself. It wasn’t until I saw how close the election was that I realized how divided a place the states has become. We are finally experiencing the fall of a used-to-be great nation. I used to be proud to be an American but that was so long ago. Somehow every other developed country has long surpassed us. No matter who wins.. I’d really like to experience a functional country as an adult.

[sheriflavored]

I got a spot for the Grand Canyon super last minute and had to make some changes to my plans. I’m excited but also kind of nervous at the same time. We’ve got two weeks to prep for this.. meaning some cardio every day until then because I don’t want to fall behind 😭😭😭

We’ve been finally able to get back in the gym! Squats: 135 5x5’s were.. hard. And I was sore for like 5 days afterward and could barely walk! We’ve got a long ways back to my 1rpm @205

Bench: 75 5x5 not too bad my bench has always been weak. I don’t think I’m too far off my 1rpm @115-120

Deadlift: 195 3x3 this one was super surprising considering it’s the first time in 6-7 months and my 1rpm was 225 and I’ve lost weight. I’m actually very happy (and now sore) from the deadlifts yesterday.

I’m happy to not feel absolutely trapped right now even if it’s just the gym really. And boy is it fucking hard to breathe while doing cardio with a mask on 😭

[sheriflavored]

I stayed at a job long enough to get my first promotion. 😂

I’m officially a Senior. Oh shiiiet.

[sheriflavored]

I was talking to a friend earlier about the weekend. I told him D and I went fishing and shooting this weekend. Then we started talking about guns. He loves guns too, we had no issues going back and forth with (the my very limited knowledge of) guns. He brought up an experience he had with a girl he has a crush on (who I also know) and how one time he overheard her having a conversation with some friends about paintballing. He said the group asked if she wanted to go paintballing, which she responded, “Why would anyone participate in something so terrible” (reference to guns). But it was paintballing. I can see where she’s coming from since I also know who she is and aside from politics, I like her a whole lot as a person. But she is one of many people who very adamantly falls into the anti-guns bucket. And here’s where I have a problem.  To be clear, I have absolutely NO PROBLEM with folks liking guns or not liking guns. I believe that everyone can make their own decisions and have their own POVs on guns but I don’t think you can truly have a conversation about guns without acknowledging the mental crisis/lack of good affordable healthcare. So while I personally think that reaction to paintballing was unnecessary it begs the question for debate--do we, as the US, have a gun problem or do we have another deep rooted issue we should address where this current gun problem is a symptom of?  Joe Rogan recently state “This country has a mental health problem disguised as a gun problem, and a tyranny problem disguised as a security problem”. I don’t think the root of the problem is a mental health problem as the true root cause. I think the true root of the problem is lack of affordable healthcare. People don’t just pay an annual/monthly premium and are offered any healthcare service they need. People can’t prioritize their health before checking their bank accounts and creating budgeting spreadsheets to see if they can afford to live. When we think of going to the hospital, we immediately imagine big dollar signs and starving before the next paycheck comes in. It absolutely shouldn’t be like this, and it absolutely shouldn’t be like this in a leading world power of a country. That’s the problem here, we don’t treat the people of our country like people. We have ingrained in ourselves that our lives have a price point and constantly wonder if we are worth the money to stay alive.  So yes, the severe mental health crisis is a symptom of a poorly implemented healthcare system in the US. People can’t even entertain the idea of going to the hospital or seeking medical attention without asking, “Am I worth it?” On top of that, there’s just a general stigma around mental health issues because they aren’t tangible/visible for everyone to see. As if insomnia, depression and anxiety aren’t really things that can affect a person’s quality of life.  Gun violence is not only a symptom of mental healthcare and transitively from the horrendous healthcare system (dare we even call it that?), but a combination of various other issues we have. Namely, a lack of access to education and a standard of living (healthcare, universal income, etc). Guns should not be yielded by folks who lack stable mental health and good education. You would think that’s so simple and easy right? But if we take a look at every psychopath (loosely) who has killed another person for self gratification...there’s likely some kind of mental break or lack of education there. 

I’m sure other issues as well but I don’t think we should ban all guns from everyone because there are bad apples. I can probably talk for a while on this subject but just something that’s recently been bothering me quite a bit.

[sheriflavored]

m: do you ever stop and think what why am I living with this girl

D: no

M: whatttt why

D: bc you feel like home..

[sheriflavored]

I’m going to try to remember all the little positive things in my life as I feel like my mind is really going toward a negative place but also I’m hyper emotional right now, just started my period so yup there’s that.

1. I am alive, able to work remotely and still earn a very good living from my couch in my new apartment (it’s been a little over a month now)

2. I just got a brand new car! I’m very excited, now we can take road trips and climb mountains with my new ride. I’m ecstatic since hopefully I can make a small side hobby of it. Mostly just customizing it to my liking. It’ll be a nice little project I can finally do for myself that I know actually belongs to me and I purchased all on my own!

3. Keto has been going great. We’re closing in on the one month mark on 6/13 and after making the switch from carnivore to keto, it’s been so easy. It’s even been fun to come up with creative ways to make food without using all the bad processed and high carb ingredients we often times mindlessly include in our diets. Since the start of carnivore/keto on 5/13, I’ve dropped about 6 pounds! That’s 6 pounds in approx 3ish weeks. I’ve hit a number I haven’t hit in years and it doesn’t even feel like I’m on a diet. We’re eating good food most days (some days we just get lazy). Things like pizza “goop” and pasta less lasagna.. tacos with fried cheese shells.. bacon snacks.. yep it has not been bad at all in the food category. Now that we have so much time, we frequently take turns or cook things together so it’s a nice bonding time.

4. Dean and I are getting more comfortable together and by that I mean I feel like I’m in a safe space when I voice my opinions and feelings and he is quite perceptive. The other day I mentioned it was going to be our 6 months coming up and then totally forgot about it! He came home with a bundle of flowers for me and I was thoroughly shocked like wait what are these for. I know I mentioned this in the previous post but we are so lucky to have each other during these times. I think I would have gone a little nuts if I was quarantined by myself in a room in an apartment. But I am so grateful for him and for the fact that we’re fortunate enough to have found a place for just the two of us. I’m really excited to see what’s next!

5. I was able to go have a socially distanced picnic with forest friends this past weekend, it was nice being able to see everyone and catch up even if it was just for a little bit before we headed out camping. I am very fortunate to have such great wholesome friends!

[sheriflavored]

It’s been a rough fucking time out here. But as upsetting as everything is, this is the revolution we need.

For a while I felt like I just wasn’t doing enough and had no idea how to do enough. A friend of mine at work got frustrated about working on a product that at these times, could be quite controversial. What started as an argument between the two of us, ended up fruiting into something quite beautiful. On Tuesday we were fighting, on Wednesday we came up with a bare bones plan, on Thursday we pulled major stakeholders into it, on Friday we pitched to a group of 15-20 people. And now, we have an entire group of folks working on something directly impacting these protesters and started conversations about how we can do even more to equalize the playing field beyond the BLM protesting era that we’re in right now. For the first time I feel something at work and it feels damn good to be working toward something that will actually change lives. Real. Fucking. Lives. So guess here I am.. able to really do something more than repost a couple things on IG. I’ve also gotten pretty confident talking about my feelings about this whole thing and developing my own opinions for where I stand. And I think a lot of it actually comes from having such an intelligent and thoughtful partner. I feel like we constantly push each other and challenge each other to do better.

In other news, we hit our 6 months a couple of days ago and he surprised me with flowers :) we’ve been having a lot of political discussions and got to go camping this last weekend.. amidst the chaos I feel a bit of normalcy which I have really really missed.

[sheriflavored]

Day #6 of the Carnivore Diet.

So up until yesterday, we were only eating meat/eggs salt and water. Pretty much the strictest you can get on this diet. This morning we made the decision to add in regular seasoning. Even plant based ones, but it shouldn’t be so much to cause any inflammatory responses (which is the reason why we wanted to only try salt). I woke up feeling like absolute SHIT this morning. Speaking of shit, I’ve visited the bathroom so many times today which isn’t normal even on carnivore. I’ve been averaging one movement a day but today so far (5pm) I’ve hit like 6-7. I’m also having trouble retaining water today and so I’ve been taking hand fulls of salt.. also barely ate breakfast because I felt so sick today. I’m definitely gonna need some supplements and electrolytes to get through this. Most people do carnivore with dairy but we’ve opted out of that since we’re both moderately lactose intolerant. But maaaybe we’ll add it in if Dean loses too much weight. People are asking me why I’m putting myself through this.. but we’re both scientists, we just can’t help experimenting 🤷🏻‍♀️ And the benefits I’ve been reading I wanna experience it. But jfc, I am so ready to hop onto keto after this lol

[sheriflavored]

This was our first night in our new apt together. We had nothing but a mattress on the floor. We ordered takeout and didn’t even have forks in our place yet. Can’t wait to post our place after fully settling in which will take a couple more weeks. ❤️

[sheriflavored]

Yesterday we packed our packs for a short picnic at the park nearby.. one thing led to another and we ended up walking around our beautiful neighborhood for 7-8 hours. We definitely were not prepared AT ALL. I wore birks for 8 miles. I’m just happy I wore my adventure pants.. but I got a tan line the shape of an ellipse on my thigh from my ripped pants. We laughed so much I started crying at points.. but I really love this dude. ❤️

[sheriflavored]

Our nightly korean dinners. It feels good to have all our kitchen stuff now, cooking at home feels so gooooood. 🥰

[sheriflavored]

Yesterday we finally moved in my couch, tv stand and coffee table from my parents’ place. It feels great to be reusing the furniture I was so attached to when living in LA alone. But also, our place is slowly feeling like home and with less echos. We also went to Hankook and got a few groceries for our usual default korean dinners so our fridge isn’t just filled with beer and white claws. My mom made this bomb ass banh Canh with crab and a side of coconut snails.. so fucking tasty. I missed home a lot.. hadn’t been home in two months. But I’m taking a couple of days off of work thurs-mon since moving and work have just been crazy as shit lately. I’m gonna go home Thursday and hopefully learn at least one recipe from my mama that day. My cooking is really amateur but I’ve gotten more confident in my taste buds at least so I can at least maneuver and try to cook by feeling and incremental tasting!

I’m actually really enjoying this 100% remote time. I just wish we had the option of it rather than being forced into it. I also would like to experience remote work.. and be able to actually do things when I have some time.

But at least at our new apartment, it’s warm and sunny most days and we have lawns where we can go sit eat and have a beer. We also have a park right behind the complex so at least we can go outdoors and not get a 700-1000 fine.

[sheriflavored]

04.23.2019

I have a new roommate and a new apartment! My first time living with a bo0o0oyy 😯

[softheartedsuggestion]

I put some seeds in my empty antidepressant prescription bottle before I left for break and I came back and they had sprouted and I think it’s a good reminder that from pain there is growth