The edges of your soul (I haven't seen yet) ⭐︎ chapter twenty five
⭐︎ Can you, can you find me?
Warnings: hurt/comfort, grief, angst, mentions of death, sunshine losing her family, fluff fluff fluff at the end I promise
Pairing: Steve Harrington x fem!reader
Word count: 10.5k
Summary: Can Steve save you from the darkness that is pulling you down after the loss of your family? Or will it claim you the way it once claimed him?
Author's note: We are slowly coming to an end :') two more chapters and this story is over! Thank you @hellfire--cult for writing this with me, and proofreading even on your trip! ilyyyy
series masterlist
☀︎
Steve’s fingers cascade through your hair, carefully picking out the strands and adding them to the braid. His touch is soft and gentle, like he is afraid to hurt you. Your eyes are closed, and you listen to his breathing, focusing on it as if you need to hear it, like you need to know that he is still here, that he didn’t stop breathing.
You hear birds chirping outside and the sound of Eddie’s and Nancy’s quiet chatter. The sun is shining, and the light is coming through the blinds in the RV. You know that you will be hit by warmth when you step outside, you know that you will walk out and look up to see a blue sky, so different from the one above your house, so different from the place where you buried your family, so different from what used to be your home.
It’s been four days since you found your family dead. Four days since you left them behind. Four days since the end of the world came crashing down on you.
Two days ago, you crossed the border between Nevada and California. Everyone is so close to reuniting with their friends and family now Everyone except for you.
“Alright.” Steve’s voice is soft as he fixes the hair tie at the end of your braid. “Done.”
You open your eyes and take a deep breath. You turn to face him. He is already looking at you – soft brown eyes filled with guilt and sadness. He insisted on doing your hair, you started neglecting it, no longer bothering to braid it after getting dressed, he does it for you now.
His eyes are scanning your face, looking into yours intensely, like he is trying to find something.
You place your hand on his knee and squeeze it. You don’t smile or kiss him like you normally would. He doesn’t expect you to. He doesn’t deserve it, he thinks.
“Thank you.” For taking care of me. You don’t say it, you don’t have to.
Steve nods. His eyes soften, and his heart clenches in his chest. Before you remove your hand, he places his own on top of yours, giving it a tight squeeze.
“Of course.” He whispers. He wants to kiss your hand so badly. He wants to pull you into his arms so badly it hurts; he wants to do so many things, but he is afraid.
You try to smile, but you can’t. You look into his eyes for a moment before you pull away. You get up and walk away, leaving the RV. He stays there for a moment longer. He sits there, staring into a blank space. His chest is aching. Everything in him is aching. The guilt has been eating at him, dragging him down slowly, pulling him back into the pit you pulled him out of when you stumbled into his life. He feels like it’s his fault. He feels like it’s all his fault. Like he was the cause of it all. He told you what you would walk into so long ago; he laid it all out for you, and then he spent months hoping that what he said wouldn’t be true, but it is, and now he doesn’t know what to do with himself, with you.
You are still standing. You are still breathing. You are still talking, not much, but you talk when you have to; he didn’t even do that when he lost Robin. He can tell that you are trying to stay strong, even after losing your entire family, after losing everything you fought for. You are strong, so much stronger than him. He carried so much hate in his heart when he was grieving. Hate that you don’t feel, not even towards him, not even when he deserves it.
You are strong.
But you are suffering.
You don’t eat. Your face is losing color, a little more day by day. The light in your eyes has faded that day on what once used to be a sunflower field. It’s gone. And Steve, he feels dead inside, now realizing more than ever that he can’t, that he could never live without you, that if this means losing you, it also means losing himself with you. It means death.
He wants to be there for you. He wants to fix this, but how can he? He can’t bring back your family.
He doesn’t realize that tears are running down his cheeks until he runs his hand down his face. He wipes them away quickly and gets up to walk into the bathroom. He splashes his face with cold water and fixes his hair. He looks into the mirror for a moment before he turns away with a heavy heart.
He walks outside.
Eddie and Nancy greet him with tight-lipped smiles, and he nods at them. His eyes instantly look for you. You are sitting on your camping chair, holding a cup of coffee in your hands. Your face is turned away from him, eyes focused on the hills afar, though your mind is somewhere else. He looks down, seeing the untouched bowl of oatmeal on the ground next to your chair. The steam is still rising from it, and an extra amount of brown sugar melting on it. He takes a deep breath and glances at Eddie, who is already looking at him, and he knows that he was the one who handed you your breakfast.
Your friends are worried for you, in the same way they worried for him. Steve remembers it now like it was yesterday, how Eddie brought him food when he was hauled up in his room, grieving Robin. How Eddie kept showing up despite Steve yelling at him to leave, how he sat beside him, and even tried to feed him when he refused to pick up the food himself.
Steve clears his throat and nods at him.
“You guys can get some sleep.” Steve mumbles, looking between Eddie and Nancy. “We will sit out here for a while before we get back on the road.”
Nancy tears her eyes away from you, though she lingers by your side for a moment longer. She puts her hand on your shoulder, squeezing it before she makes her way inside.
“Yeah.” Eddie sighs. His eyes look for yours, but your gaze is still stuck on the cup in your hands. He can’t even be the cheerful self he always is. He can’t bring himself to be the comedic relief the team has. He is hurting for you, and he feels like he is selfish for having some people waiting for him while you have none.
Nancy feels the same way. She is excited to finally find the community, to be reunited with the rest of her family, her friends, but there’s some place inside of her that she refuses to feel that excitement. It felt unfair. Unjust. You didn’t deserve this, you of all people, didn’t deserve what happened to you.
She gets up reluctantly, walking towards Steve so she could whisper to him, even though she knew you didn’t even listen. Not because you couldn’t, you just wouldn’t process anything if words were not directed your way.
“Make her eat… I tried, but–”
“I know. I’ll take care of it… Just go rest.” She gives a final nod, looking towards Eddie. His eyes finally leave your figure, not really knowing what to do anymore. His way of handling grief had always been physical touch… Which is something he knew you weren’t particularly welcoming right now.
“Just call us if you need something… I marked the map…” He looked at the sky, passing by Steve to pat his shoulder before letting Nancy go into the RV first. The door closed, and now it was just him and you.
He walked over towards you, pulling a chair to sit next to you. He licked his lips, grabbing the pot of oatmeal from the floor, stirring it a bit as he tried his best to smile.
“Always a lot of sugar. Eddie and you probably have your blood sugar on the very floor.” He tried making a joke, anything that would get a reaction from you, but he got nothing. He had envisioned this moment differently from what it was now.
The winter was coming to an end, the weather turning warmer and warmer the closer you got to the coast, where everyone was waiting for all of you. He imagined your smile, jumping around, excited to finally settle, to finally be with him the way you two had talked about. He imagined you sitting here with him, talking about how you two were gonna live together. If you would get a cottage, a bungalow, an apartment, anything that’s there.
He imagined that you two would be bickering about what decorations you could have inside the home. What roles would the two of you decide on to contribute to the community. He imagined you… With your family. He imagined that your mother, your father, and your brother, would be around all of you right now.
He imagined a happy ending for you… But now, he doesn’t even believe he is worthy of being that for you.
Not when you look like your soul is gone. Not when you look like a puppet. Not when you look like… Like Max did two years ago… How he probably looked like before you even met him. Everything he imagined was gone in the lapse of hours, and he doesn’t think he’ll see it again.
He can’t see a future, not because he doesn’t want you… But because he doesn’t think he deserves you.
“Baby… You need to eat…” He softly spoke, trying to make you look at him. He grabs a spoonful of the oatmeal, and raises it towards your mouth. Your eyes dart to it, and you shake your head slightly.
“I am not hungry, Steve…” Not Stevie. That little nickname was gone.
“I know… I know, but you need to eat. I’ll be happy with just a few, okay?” Your eyes meet his for just a moment, before you nod and open your mouth so he could feed you. Your eyebrows meet in the middle, and your eyes closed as if swallowing hurts you. You put the cup down on the floor, before grabbing the bowl from him as well as the spoon.
He was trying not to shake as he grabbed himself a bowl, and he wasn’t hungry either, but if he ate, maybe that would make you eat more too. Your bites are small, just taking bits of it every ten seconds. You eat slowly, almost as if you were a robot and you were commanded to do so.
The silence killed him, but he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know if apologizing would gain anything at all. Maybe you hated him and you were not voicing it. Maybe you found him despicable now. Maybe you didn’t want to be by his side any longer.
He didn’t want you to remember that day. He didn’t want to say anything at all that would make you revisit that memory, but he wanted to. The lump in his throat grows each day, and it’s turning painful. Yet, he cannot speak a single word.
“Smell the corpses around you!”
He can’t believe himself. He can’t believe he said something like that to you. The words keep repeating in his brain, and even if he holds you at night, it was as if he was holding a cold doll. You never said anything. You never kissed him, held his hand, nothing. He cried himself to sleep the past few days, making sure you were asleep so you wouldn’t hear him.
And even when he held you, the nightmares began creeping in. That same scene, in front of Robin’s grave, over and over again, and each time your face becomes more and more visible. Clearer. Then, the scene changes, to you standing over your family’s graves.
Graves. Everything involved graves.
You put the spoon down, and Steve snapped out of his thoughts, looking at how much you ate. Not even half. Fuck. Should he push you to eat a little more? He didn’t want to command you to do anything, but he was worried that you were withering away. That it was what you decided instead of following him into the community.
“You… can you eat a little mo–”
“No.” Your voice was cold. Colder than the entire winter the four of you went through. Fuck, it hurt. He was afraid that he would turn away from you for just a second and that you would run off. He was afraid that you… would–
Both of you straightened up when you heard an animal cry. Steve immediately stood up, grabbing onto the first thing at hand, which was Nancy’s rifle. It wasn’t far away, and it sounded like a painful noise. You slowly got up from your chair, looking towards the far end bushes.
The RV’s door opened, Nancy and Eddie rushing out with guns in their hands, wearing their sleep clothes.
“What was that?” Nancy asked quickly, looking at the same spot. Steve pointed the rifle, waiting for whatever was grunting behind the bushes.
“I don’t know, but there are no red clouds, can’t be monsters.” Another cry came out, making the four of you straighten up, and all guns were pointing at one specific bush that was rustling just a few feet away.
Suddenly, a deer came out, stumbling on its feet, blood smeared over the belly, as if mauled by another animal. Relief washed over, because this meant that wildlife was living in this side of the country.
Nancy had flashbacks to 1983, seeing an injured deer in the forest, and her hand could not pull the trigger… Just like now. She didn’t want to kill this deer, even if it was suffering and bleeding to death.
But Eddie and Steve were too. You all got closer, as the deer finally stumbled over, breathing heavily. The opportunity of eating meat, fresh meat, appeared in front of you, yet, no one could give the final blow.
“Eddie… Do it…” Nancy asked, but Eddie’s hand was trembling as it pointed at the deer’s head. Images of your mother’s corpse falling onto the ground before him after he pulled the trigger flashed before his eyes. Just like your mother, the deer didn’t ask to be bitten. The deer tried to run away most likely, yet it got to her.
“I– Steve–” Eddie was borderline panicking, and Steve noticed. His rifle pointed at the deer’s head, but again, he stopped. What would you think of him if he killed an innocent soul, even if it were to help it? Would you look at him in disgust? Would you look at him differently? Would this death remind you of what happened four days ago?
“Maybe… We can leave her to… go by herself…” He said with a trembling voice. Eddie and Nancy were still petrified, looking down at the bleeding animal, knowing it will suffer until it finally decides to part.
“I think that’s… for the best–” Nancy couldn’t finish talking before she saw something slamming down on her peripheral vision, and next thing she saw was that the deer stopped moving after a final cry.
The three of them turned their heads your way, as you straightened up with the machete in your hand, the blood of the animal dripping down from the blade. You had cut the head off, or well, almost. They were frozen, because you were the last person they thought would do this.
Even before knowing what happened to your family, there were many times where you rushed to the RV so you wouldn’t see Eddie hunting a rabbit. You would sometimes eat with guilt, but you knew that you had to eat meat.
But this time, you were the one to strike.
“She is not hurting anymore.” Your voice was made of steel as your eyes never left the nearly decapitated animal before you. Steve’s eyes were wide, tears threatening to fall at any given moment. This wasn’t you. This definitely was not you.
“Sun–”
You didn’t let Steve finish that nickname. You didn’t like it anymore, and he could feel that. He saw you turn around, and walk back towards the chairs to clean your weapon with a water bottle. He heard a sniffle, and he turned to see Nancy looking away, hiding the tears that formed in her eyes.
“I-I don’t think it’s safe to eat,” Nancy mumbles, wiping her cheeks. “We don’t know what bit her… so…”
“Yeah, I’ll uh… I’ll carry her away, don’t think it’s safe to have a bleeding animal lying around our camp.” Eddie says, looking down.
Steve nods, though his mind was already elsewhere. Nancy immediately left, passing by you without a second glance because she couldn’t bear to see you this way. Normally, you would be crying your eyes out if you were the one that had to do that. You would be saying sorry, over and over again. You would be asking her to reassure you this was the right thing to do for the animal.
But you were outside, cleaning your machete as if you hadn’t just cut the neck off that deer. She couldn’t blame you, and she couldn’t be mad at you for who you were now. But she could be scared. She didn’t know if you would return to your old self anytime soon, but it was scarier to think that it would not return at all.
After an hour, Eddie and Steve were washing off the blood from their hands and arms. They did their cleaning behind the RV, in a bucket, soaking their arms in.
They were in silence, already noting that it was 9 AM, and Eddie had yet to sleep.
“You can go finish washing inside, Eds. I think Sunshine is done with the shower… I’ll hit the road soon–”
“Steve…” And he knew that tone. He knew that Eddie was going to talk to him about something that Steve was not sure he wanted to talk about.
“I know. I know, and–”
“What can we do? She is not herself… It’s been days–”
“She lost her entire family, Eddie, what do you expect?” Steve’s voice was loud, angry, and his eyes snapped to meet his best friend’s.
“I understand that. Don’t snap at me as if I didn’t!”
“What do you want her to do? To just wake up and smile and be her cheery self again?” Steve scoffed, trying to pretend as if his own words were not cutting through his heart. Eddie frowned, looking down at the reddened water, pulling his arms out of the bucket.
“Steve, she is not the only one who changed.”
And Steve froze. He could feel his fingers shaking underneath the water, and a cold sweat wrapping all around his neck.
Finally, he couldn’t handle it anymore, his hands coming out from the water, not caring that it was cold or if there was still blood on his skin. The palms of his hands came to cover his eyes, shaking his head as the tears started flowing down, the lump in his throat breaking loose.
“I can’t pretend that I didn’t cause this… I can’t pretend that I wasn’t the one who broke her–” Eddie’s eyes widened, his hand coming to rest on Steve’s shoulder.
“You can’t blame yourself for this Steve… Her family didn’t die because of what you said–”
“I destroyed her that night, Eddie.” The metalhead’s hand fell, tilting his head in question as Steve’s hands finally dropped. His cheeks were stained with tears, water, some dirt and blood from not washing thoroughly. “I killed some of her hope that night…”
Eddie just stood there, a frown in his face.
“You didn’t destroy her, and you shouldn’t blame yourself for it…”
“It’s not a matter of me manifesting it or whatever. It’s not about me telling her the future or some shit. It’s the matter that she is like this because this is how she felt when I said those words. At that moment, it was a split second of her hope fading, yet she held onto it… But now, that feeling is permanent because it’s true. I caused it. She already knew what her reaction would be, because I put that thought in her head before.”
Steve finally sobbed, frustration clear in all of his features. He kicked the bucket with his foot, making Eddie jump at the action. Steve wanted to scream into the sky, but he didn’t want you to hear. He didn’t want you to feel like you had to act that you were okay for his sake. Eddie slowly approached him, putting a hand on his shoulder, but Steve instantly turned to wrap his arms around his best friend, sobbing into his shoulder.
“Steve, she is not like this because of that… Please, understand that not everything is your fault…”
But he wasn’t listening. He wasn’t processing any of his words, because he knew that he was right. He knew that he fucked you up all those months ago. Then he kept fucking you up by saying that your family was waiting for you, that your family was alive, that your family would be welcome at their community.
His voice broken, his soul crashed, and the reality of the situation finally settled in,
“My sunshine is gone…”
–
Another day passed, and you were still nowhere to be found.
Body, you were present. Spirit, it was missing. Steve’s fear grew, and grew, and each day he was more sure that you were not in there any longer. He didn’t know how to bring you back. He didn’t know how to fix you. He didn’t know what else to do, nor how to interact with you.
Your embraces were becoming nonexistent. That clinginess he had learned to love from you was gone. You preferred alone time, rather than spending time with everyone. Nancy tried to talk, but your responses were just hums and nods. No one knew how to converse with you anymore.
He felt as if his own soul were leaving him. He felt like he was losing you, and it was killing him slowly. Will he ever get you back again? Will you ever come back to him…? And if you do, will you ever be happy again? Will he get the chance to make you happy? And… How can he compare to your family?
He can’t.
No one can.
“Do you really think… she is gone? That this is her new self?” Nancy asks Steve as they both sit at the steps of the RV’s door. You are sitting under a tree, looking at nothing in particular as the wind blows through your hair. Hair that Eddie helped wash because lately, Steve couldn’t help you eat or take care of you like in the past days. He couldn’t because he believes he shouldn’t be the one to do it, thinking that he is doing you a favor, because why would you want him to help you? He who broke you long before you found your dead family.
The lingering fear that you don’t want him around grows bigger and bigger, that you no longer feel what you felt for him before that day, that you feel the opposite now. He fears that he makes you uncomfortable, that you feel disgust when he touches you.
“Yeah…” He says with a broken voice. He doesn’t want to accept it, but for now, it did seem like it. It might take years if you do return to your old self, but even then, he doesn’t know if you would ever act like it again.
“I tried… Eddie tried… I don’t know if I should even talk about it with her, you know… About her family… I don’t even know if she accepted what happened yet…” She spoke softly, nervously, looking at Steve for some advice, but she saw his eyes starting to lose their own spark.
“I don’t know…”
“Steve–”
“Nance, I tried too… We are not her family…” At that, Nancy finally recoiled, looking at him.
“We can be–”
“Nancy, she is gone. She doesn’t feel that way, and she shouldn’t need to. We can’t force her to settle with us.” His words were knives, swords, spears going through every inch of his body. He didn’t want to accept that fact, but there really was no more hope in him either.
Nancy stares at him in confusion, in shock, like she can’t believe what she is hearing. Anger rises inside of her.
“What… so you are just gonna give up on her?” Nancy asks through gritted teeth.
Steve’s head snaps towards her, and his blood runs cold, color fading in his face. He frowns at her.
Nancy’s blue eyes are glaring into his; her nostrils flare.
“After everything she did for you? After everything you two have gone through… you are just gonna give up on her, leave her to suffer through her grief… by herself?” Nancy’s voice trembles. “You are gonna do this… to her?” She points at you.
Steve’s hazel eyes are full of pain, of heartbreak.
He would rather die than do this to you, but her words make him realize that this is exactly what he’s been doing these past few days, and it shatters his own heart. But how can he explain that he’s keeping his distance, not because he doesn’t know how to handle you, but because his guilt is killing him alive, because he fears that you hate him after what he said to you.
He shakes his head and his eyes water.
Nancy’s eyes soften when she sees the tears in his eyes, though her anger is still burning inside of her.
“Eddie told me what you said to her.” Nancy says with a clenched jaw. She turns away from him and looks back in your direction. “But I think you should know her well enough to know that she would never hold some stupid words against you, words that were said when you were still grieving–”
“I told her that–”
“That is Sunshine we are talking about, Steve.” Nancy talks over him, shaking her head.
Steve closes his mouth. He runs his fingers through his hair.
“She is grieving her family, she is suffering not because of what you said, but because she lost her entire family, and now she is losing you too? Why? Because you can’t forgive yourself for what you said to her months ago? Because you worry about something that she probably isn’t even thinking about. You think you are doing her a favor by staying away, by pushing her away, now when she needs you the most?”
Steve almost chokes up. She is right. He knows she is.
But it wasn’t only his worry that kept him away from you; it was also shame. Shame for all the words he threw at you.
“If you love her, which I think you do… then be there for her the way she was there for you. Fight for her the way she always fought for you. You hurt her before, don’t do it again, not now, not ever. She needs you. And if someone can bring her back, it’s you.” With those words, she leaves him sitting by himself, though she lingers by the door of the RV for a moment. She turns around in his direction, but her eyes are on you. “She brought you back, didn’t she?” She taps the door before she walks in, closing it softly.
Steve’s face softens. His eyes well up with tears once more as he watches you. Your eyes are closed, leaning against the tree. It looks like you are enjoying the sun.
Nancy is right.
He knows she is.
He knows what a fool he is. He knows the mistakes he made, the same ones he is repeating again; pushing you away. He is already regretting so many things he could have done differently; he could have done better. And now he is on his way to making more mistakes, causing more regrets, something he never wanted to do with you, not you.
A tear rolls down his cheek, watching the wind mess up your hair, which you tuck back behind your ear.
You should be the one to decide whether you still want him or not, not him, right?
He brings his hand up to his face, wiping his tears away. He looks down at the grass, and his eyes catch onto something by his boot, something he didn’t notice before. A little flower, the only one growing on this field it seems. He picks it, holding it between his thumb and forefinger. You didn’t even notice it. You love flowers, you are always looking for them, yet you didn’t see this one.
He gets back up on his feet, his eyes finding your figure again. He stands there for a moment, twirling the flower between his fingers as he looks at you. His heart aches for you, and it aches even more when Nancy’s words repeat themselves in his head.
You fought for him, you always did, even when he pushed you away, even when he was mean to you, when he tried to keep you away from him by throwing awful words at you. Even when he gave you the cold shoulder. You always fought for him.
Seeing you like this, all alone in your grief, it breaks him.
It’s not that he gave up on you; he never would, not even when Nancy threw that at him. He would never give up on you, but going over her words makes the guilt twist even worse in his chest, the same guilt that kept him at arm's length from you, the one that made him keep his distance.
Distance he needs to close again, so he can try, try, and see if you are really better off without him by your side.
He approaches you slowly, careful not to startle you. He doesn’t call for you, doesn’t say your name. He just settles down beside you, sitting on the grass next to you. You don’t move at first, still keeping your eyes closed, enjoying the sun.
He is looking at you, eyes trailing over your face, the crease between your eyebrows, the softness of your skin, your lashes that flutter from the kiss of the wind, the curve of your lips that he misses so much. His eyes get stuck on the small scar on your cheekbone, the one you took when you fought one of the guys that attacked you that day on the road, the day when you killed for him.
Steve’s breath gets caught in his throat when you open your eyes and turn to look at him. His heart stops for a moment as he scans the look in your eyes, like he is trying to find something that could absolutely break him – he doesn’t find it, he won’t, not even if it’s something he feels about himself. If anything, your eyes soften.
For a moment, you both just look at each other. No words, no exchanges, nothing. Your eyes stay connected, and your knee bumps into his when you angle your body towards him.
Your body language speaks enough words. You wouldn’t do this if you didn’t want him around, right?
His lip twitches when your eyes find the flower between his fingers. Your eyebrows rise up in surprise, and he sees something he hasn’t seen in what feels like forever; hope.
“The flowers started blooming for you, Sunshine.” Steve whispers shakily.
Your brows scrunch together, lips parting for a second before they close again. You look up again, and the look in your eyes kills him. Emotions he thought were gone completely flash in them. It makes his heart beat strongly, aching yet feeling alive again.
Without second guessing it, he scoots closer to you. He brings his hand up to your face, shaky fingers tuck your hair behind your ear, before he puts the flower in your hair. His heart screams for you as he feels you so close again. Everything inside of him starts hurting, like his body, his soul can’t understand why there was this distance between you in the first place, like everything in him was dying slowly the longer he kept away from you.
He can feel your eyes taking in every inch of him; he can hear your soft breathing, matching the shakiness in his own.
He can’t help but place his palm against your cheek, cupping it. He caresses your cheekbone with his thumb. And he almost breaks right there when you close your eyes and lean into his touch. Your eyebrows are still drawn together as though you are in pain, as though you are suffering, but his touch is slowly mending it. You bring your hand up, and for a moment, he fears that it’s to remove his touch from you, but instead, you press your palm against the top of his hand, lingering there for a moment before it slides down to his wrist, and you wrap your fingers around it, holding onto him.
Steve feels his heart beating strongly at the gesture.. His eyes well up with tears, and the coil in his throat tightens. He has to hold back the sob that starts rising up.
You are still in there.
You are still here.
You are still here, and you need him.
You need him more than anything.
And he knows exactly what he needs to do, what he’s been wanting to do for so long now.
-
On your next stop, which seems to be your last before reaching the community in California, Steve goes off on his own. You are completely unaware of it, waking up to an empty bed isn’t new these days. You lay there for a while, staring at the ceiling. The sun is already up and bright, peeking through the blinds and the curtains, casting a warm orange light over the RV.
Steve’s scent lingers on your pillow, the only comfort you get when he isn’t next to you. It takes you a while to sit up on the bed, to let your feet touch the ground. Your eyes fall on the flower he gave to you a few days ago. You found a small glass and filled it up with water, wanting to keep the flower blooming.
You make your way into the bathroom, splashing your face with water and brushing your teeth. You take a look at yourself in the mirror, something you had been avoiding these past days or maybe even weeks. You don’t know how much time has passed since leaving your house, but your chest tightens when you look at yourself. Your skin is dull, and the circles under your eyes are dark despite getting enough sleep. Your cheeks are hollow, and your collarbones are more prominent than they were before. You stand there for a moment, staring at your reflection, staring at it like you can’t believe what you are seeing.
You know why he looks at you like that.
Every time you catch him staring, you see the pain in his eyes, the sadness, the grief. He looks at you the way you looked at your dad, the way you looked at your mom. Like you are already gone, and he is grieving you.
But you are not gone. Your heart is still beating. At least you can feel it when you press your palm against your chest. It’s still there.
You don’t know how much time passes while you're just standing there and staring at your reflection, but you almost yelp when the RV door bursts open. Your hand stays pressed against your chest, and you turn to look at whoever hurried inside.
“Sunshine.”
Steve stands in the doorway, and his eyes shine with something that’s been missing in your eyes; excitement. His expression falls a little when he notices the way you are still clutching your chest.
“Are you okay?” He asks softly, taking a step towards you. He looks you up and down, the look in his eyes now replaced by worry. He holds his hand out to you, though not touching you.
“Yeah, just startled me, that's all.” You nod and remove your hand from your racing heart. “Did you need anything?”
Steve blinks. His lip twitches when he remembers what he came for.
“I– I want to show you something.” His voice is filled with excitement. “Get dressed, I’ll wait outside.” He is determined, not taking no for an answer. He looks you up and down once more before he leaves again, closing the door behind him.
Confusion grows inside of you when you hear bickering outside, or well, it sounds more like Steve getting scolded by Eddie and Nancy for something. You stand there for a moment, listening, but you can’t make out their words. Their scolding continues even after you are done getting dressed; they only stop after you step outside.
The anger in Nancy’s eyes that was directed at Steve instantly fades when she looks at you. Eddie’s expression immediately softens too.
“Is everything okay?”
Eddie nods, his eyes flicker back to Steve for a moment, glaring.
“Yeah, peachy.”
Steve steps forward, and he holds his hand out to you, ignoring his friends who are looking between you.
“Come.” Steve murmurs softly to you.
Your confused eyes find his, and he only nods at you, like he is encouraging you to take his hand.
You take a deep breath and place your hand in his. His fingers instantly curl around your hand, and he squeezes it. “Let’s go, Sunshine.” He pulls you away from the RV and from your friends. You give them a puzzled look, but they only shrug at you.
You don’t know where he is taking you, don’t even have an idea of where he could lead you, but you still follow him without questioning him. You would follow him everywhere. You look around as you follow his footsteps. He is leading you through a huge field, one that leads to a forest.
He doesn’t talk, and neither do you.It’s darker in here, but rays of sunlight peek through the trees from above. You hear the birds singing, feel the wind nip at your skin, blowing through your hair. The smell of soil and pine lingers in the air. You can’t help but take a deep breath. You have always liked the smell of the forest; in a way, it gave you a sense of freedom and safety. When you adapted to the new world, you had always looked for shelter in the woods; they always kept you safe.
Steve’s warm hand keeps squeezing yours, his thumb brushing over your skin. You look down at his hand, and you realize just how much you have missed his touch. The lack of his presence by your side didn’t go unnoticed by you. Even in your grief and in the state of numbness you were in, you noticed how he touched you less and how whenever he looked at you, there was pain and guilt in his eyes. You know him well enough; he stayed away, thinking he was doing the right thing for you.
You’re so lost in thought, looking down at his hand, you don’t realize that the trail through the forest is already ending, and he is leading you out to a clearing. You squint your eyes when the sun hits you directly in the face. Something yellow flashes in your peripheral vision, and you turn towards it. Your lips part in surprise when you see the butterfly; your eyes follow it.
It’s been so long since you’ve seen a butterfly or any other insect, for that matter, and it shouldn’t surprise you as much since you’ve been stuck in the cold states for the past few months, but even before that, you barely saw any butterflies or bees or even animals out here.
You almost bump into Steve’s back when he stops walking, too distracted by the butterfly. He turns around, still holding your hand. His hazel eyes shine so bright with hope, while yours mirror the emotions he felt when you just met him.
Your eyes don’t stray away from his. His lip twitches slightly, curling into an anticipated smile.
“Look around, Sunshine.” Steve whispers, squeezing your hand.
You furrow your eyebrows, staring at him for a long moment before you slowly tear your eyes away from him. You look down, noticing how green the grass is, noticing the little flowers growing, not just one or two, there are so many of them.
Steve is watching your face, taking in the way your expression changes, how your eyes widen, and your lips part. You look up at him, and his breath gets caught in his throat when he sees the look in your eyes.
He nods at you, smiling softly.
You squeeze his hand and look over his shoulder, only now noticing that the flowers didn’t only grow in the little spot you are standing in, they are everywhere, blooming in different colors, taking up all the space in this field, filling it with life.
You walk around him and take a step forward. Your hand slips from his grasp as you take another step and then another, walking further into the field where the flowers grow bigger and taller. You turn, and everywhere you look, you find another flower, yellow, orange, pink colors, everywhere.
Steve’s feet carry him to you slowly. His eyes take in all your reactions. His heart beats so strongly, squeezing in his chest as something he can only describe as fascination crosses your features. Your eyes light up, and he sees you. He sees traces of you coming back again. Your hands reach out to touch the flowers, and your lips curl into a smile. The sun shines down on you, kissing your skin. The wind blows through your hair that grew even longer in these past few months. You look like an angel. His angel.
“You saved me.” Those words fall from his lips easily. His voice is shaky, and his heart beats strongly, especially when you turn around to face him. “You saved my life, Sunshine.”
You stay quiet, standing still in your spot as your eyes trace his features. He steps closer to you, closing the distance between you with each step he takes. Your breath gets caught in your throat when you really look at him. The circles under his eyes are prominent like your own. His cheeks are more hollow too. His face lost color just the way yours did. His features are etched with pain. He is suffering because you are suffering.
“That day you stumbled right into Hawkins… I don’t think it was a coincidence, you know?”
You tilt your head in confusion.
Steve takes another step closer. He huffs at the memory, smiling slightly.
“I wasn’t supposed to be on patrol that day, and you weren’t supposed to walk down that route. You once told me that Robin would send me a sign… I think she sent you, or well, she sent the bat that ripped the map from your hands, so you would walk right into Hawkins because, knowing you, you must have tried to follow the bat.”
You scrunch your nose up, making him smile.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” Steve murmurs, and finally, he stops right before you. He reaches for your hand. “You found me. You found me during a time in my life when I was dying, when I wanted nothing more than to close my eyes and never open them again, but then you happened and god… I’m so fucking happy you happened, Sunshine. You are everything I dreamed of.” He stops for a moment, taking a deep breath. “And you are the light in my life that pulled me out of the dark hole I was trapped in. I… I wanna be that for you now.”
He doesn’t realize just how much his hands are shaking until you tighten your hold on them. His eyes well up with tears, and he closes them for a moment, needing to collect himself before he continues. Everything he’s been holding back is ready to be spilled.
He opens his eyes again, and he breathes shakily as he looks into your eyes.
“I know I will never replace your family– and I don’t even want to do that!” He says, wide eyed, like he worried that he said the wrong thing. “But–” He stops as a tear runs down his cheek, the sob he’s been trying to hold back is rising up now. “I want to start a new one with you. I want to become your family. Eddie too, Nancy too– but especially me. I want to marry you, have children if you desire so, and I want to make you feel safe and loved… Because I love you so much. I love you so fucking much, you have no idea.” He cries. Tears cascade down his cheeks, and he is shaking so much.
And you, you stare at him for a moment, wide-eyed and lips parted.
And the world started making sense once more, despite the darkness that surrounded you the last few days. The skies cleared from the red clouds that invaded your mind. The world had color again. And finally, you took a breath. A breath that you felt so strongly, as if you had been drowning or lacking it lately.
Your heart beats stronger than it has in a while. Your knees nearly buckle. You stare at him, at the tears in his eyes, at the way he looks at you with nothing but love, with nothing but despair.
Your family is gone.
But it’s not.
You have found one on the way here. You found him. You found Eddie and Nancy. You still have one. And the one about to come with him, the man who just gave you his heart.
“So please… please come back to me, Sunshine. I need you. I–” You cut him off by pressing your lips against his. He sobs against you, though it’s one out of relief the moment he feels your arms wrapped around him, the moment he feels your lips moving against his, the moment he feels you again. He doesn’t even know where to touch first. His hands cradle your face, wiping your tears as he deepens the kiss, swallowing your whimper.
His hands then slide down to your neck and your shoulders before he pulls you against him, wrapping his arms around you so tightly that he pulls you flush against him. Neither of you knows how long you stand there in each other's embrace, kissing, but it’s all you need right now, all you want. Only when the lack of air breaks you two apart do your lips stop moving, and you pull away, but only enough to catch your breaths. He leans his forehead against yours, sniffling.
“I love you, Steve. I love you so much.” Your voice is shaky, full of tears, just like your eyes that get blurry all over again as you look at your man. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry… I was just so afraid, after losing them… all I could think about was losing you too, and I can’t lose you, not you.” Your voice breaks once more, tears continuing to roll down your cheeks.
Steve’s brown eyes widen, and his heart nearly explodes in his chest. Light rushes back in, and he can’t even help the cry from falling from his lips.
“You– You love me? Sunshine, did you say you love me?” He whispers, his hand finding your cheeks again.
Your heart almost breaks when you hear the surprise in his voice, like he can’t believe that you feel this way about him.
“Of course I do,” you whisper, leaning closer to peck his lips. “I love you.”
The look in his eyes kills you. He is genuinely surprised and shocked that you actually love him. Another tear rolls down his cheek, and you catch it with your thumb, wiping it away.
For the first time in a while, you both feel joy, happiness. Your souls are beginning to heal from this pain.
Steve can’t help but smile through his tears, and his eyes light up when you do the same.
“I love you so much more, my sweet girl.” Steve whispers before he leans in and starts pressing kisses all over your face, pulling that beautiful sound of your giggle out of you, making his heart flutter and his smile widen.
Your hands catch his face again, and you pull him away from your face so you can look at him.
“You… You want to marry me? You want to have kids with me?”
Steve nods so quickly, “yes I do, baby.”
You could feel every emotion crushing towards you at once, your lips trembling, and Steve knows. Steve can feel it as your body starts shaking. He knows you will finally let it all out.
“They’re gone…” You start talking, small, almost a whisper. Your eyes had so many swirling emotions that he couldn’t keep up with. They look lost and ready to burst. He nodded slowly, his eyebrows falling, and his eyes softened.
“Yes… They are… They are, Sunshine…”
And finally, finally, you break.
You pull away as your breathing starts to become erratic, hunching as you grab at his biceps for support as your cries fill the field. Your tears start coming down heavily, your grip is bruising but he holds onto you by your elbows as he helps you to not fall on the ground. Your stomach is twisted as if you had been punched, but you just sobbed. You were heavily crying, letting your suffering out.
“They didn’t deserve that! They– My mom! My dad! My brother! They’re gone! They’re gone!” He just lets you cry, tears running down his own cheeks to see you like this, but he knows you have to cry. Your mind is flashing with the images of that day, the bodies, your house, the sunflower field, the graves.
Your cries continued, and finally your knees gave in, falling to the ground and he followed, still holding onto you. You were trying to breathe, chest heaving rapidly, and Steve suddenly grew worried because he didn’t bring the inhaler with him. He sat on the ground, quickly pulling you to his chest. His arms wrapped around you, as he rocked the two of you, trying to soothe you.
“I know… I know, love…” His voice was choked up, and the side of your face was against his chest as you held onto him. You were still crying, choking on your spit.
“Why them… Why…” Your voice was lower now, slowly calming down from your breakdown, and he kept rocking the two of you, kissing the top of your head and keeping his lips there as he clenched his eyes. If you were in pain, he was in pain.
It took minutes for your breathing to come back to normal, or at least a bit. Your eyes opened, spotting the flowers that were all around you, waving at you thanks to the wind. Slowly, another emotion started creeping in. The one you had lost. The one you almost forgot existed.
Hope.
You slowly pulled away, straightening up to sit next to Steve, but his arms were not leaving you. Your eyes searched for his, and then the images of him trying to feed you came. The ones of him doing your hair, helping you wash yourself, even helping you sleep. So lost in your grief, you didn’t realize how much he was showing that he loves you.
You felt completely… loved. Realizing that not only he loves you. Eddie and Nancy love you too. They all tried. They all tried to bring you back… And the feeling of being abandoned, or lonely without any family… Vanished.
Your blood family is gone, and that pain will never go away. Nobody will replace them… But that doesn’t mean you don’t have a family at all. The man before you wants that. He wants that with you. He wants a forever with you. He wants a little one with you. He wants it. He wants to be in your life for as long as you let him.
Which is forever.
“You’re… Through this whole winter… You have been my sunflower, Steve…” Your whisper is soft and filled with so much love. A kind of love he never thought he would get to feel.
His eyes well up with tears all over again. He can’t describe the feeling that is coursing through his veins, not even if he tried. He cups the side of your face and he looks down at you with nothing but adoration.
He can see that the wall between you, your wall of grief had vanished again and now he gets to see you, to feel you again.
“Winter is over, can I still be your sunflower?”
His question makes you laugh softly. You nod and lean into his hand, closing your eyes as another tear rolls down your cheek. He wipes it away and kisses your forehead.
“Please.” You whisper.
Steve pulls you into his arms, needing to hug you, needing to hold you and you don’t hesitate to bury your face into his chest, breathing in his scent as he buries his face in your neck.
For a while you sit there, surrounded by the flowers, by the nature that stayed untouched from the dead and the evilness that spread across the world, the one that touched you both. The one that took Robin. The one that took your family. The one that led you to finding each other.
“You said that Robin sent me to you…” You whisper, pulling away from his chest to look at him.
He nods, smiling softly.
“I think… I think my mom sent you.”
You know that she was gone long before you met Steve. It didn’t happen on your journey. It didn’t happen while you were in Hawkins or after you left. It happened long ago. Your family was gone by the time you left New York.
Steve's lips curl into a sad smile. He brings his hand up to your face, tucking your hair behind your ear.
“Yeah? You think they teamed up?”
You nod, blinking away tears.
“You know… I would have found you in the old world too.” Steve murmurs, face suddenly growing serious. “This, us, we belong together. Perfect world or this one, I would always choose you.”
Everything inside of you bursts into joy, feelings that you were afraid of lately rushing through you again. The love in his eyes makes you melt into his arms even more.
“I would always choose you too, Steve.” Your voice breaks and his trembling hands pull you in, closing the gap between you so he can kiss you once more. And he keeps on kissing you, holding you the way he couldn’t in these past days.
You don’t know how much time passes of you sitting out here on this field, loving one another but when you finally return to your camp, you feel like yourself again. The aching in your heart won’t disappear anytime soon but you feel so much lighter than you did this morning.
Eddie and Nancy get up from their chairs when they see the two of you coming back, hand in hand, a sight they haven’t seen in a while.
You squeeze Steve’s hand and turn to him to find him already looking at you. He gives you a sweet smile and an encouraging nod. After a moment, your hand slips from his and you pick up the pace, making your way back to your friends. You stop before them, looking between them for a moment. Eddie’s worried but hopeful eyes, Nancy’s sad ones. And then, you take another step forward and throw your arms around both of them, pulling them into a hug.
They both freeze. Both stiff beneath your touch. Eddie’s eyes lock with Steve’s, who is standing a few feet away from you. His eyes are glassy, red rimmed. It’s clear that he cried, though his lips are curled into a smile, eyes filled with the softness that was missing. One look at him and Eddie knows, he brought you back. He is the first to wrap his arm around you.
A shaky breath falls from Nancy’s mouth, a sigh of relief. Tears well up in her eyes as she slowly wraps her arm around you.
“Oh Sunshine.” She whispers, pulling you closer.
Eddie wraps his arm around Nancy as well and for a moment, the three of you hug, holding each other. And Steve, he stands there, watching with a smile on his face. He hears your sniffle, he sees the tears that Eddie is trying to hold back, he sees the way Nancy clings to you.
He always knew how much they loved you but seeing this fills his heart with warmth. You are so loved.
“Whatcha standing there like a creep?” Eddie calls out to him, wiping his tears away. “Get your ass over here, man.”
You and Nancy giggle at that. You let go of Eddie and hold your hand out to Steve, smiling at him over your shoulder. The smile he missed so much. The smile he yearned for. He walks over, his eyes never breaking contact with yours. He moves in between you and Eddie, wrapping his arm around his shoulder and his other around your waist. He gives Nancy a nod, a silent thank you for talking sense into him. She knew just what to say. And Eddie, he squeezes Steve’s shoulder and gives him a proud smile.
He has come a long way since leaving Hawkins.
“Thank you.” You whisper, breaking the silence between you all. “For everything… For being my family.” You don’t need to say much more to touch their hearts. You don’t need a speech to show gratitude. These words, the tears in your eyes, the love you showed them all on this journey and how much you fought for them was enough.
“Thank you for coming into our lives, Sunshine.” Nancy whispers, reaching for your hand. “You’re my family too, my best friend.”
Eddie’s brown eyes are glassy. He tries to hide the tears but it’s hard to do so when he sees you back again, when he sees the smile on your face and the softness in your eyes that he wasn’t sure would come back again.
“You’re my family too. You are the only one who knows who my sweetheart is, I think it’s safe to say that you are my favorite family member.” Eddie chuckles, ruffling your hair.
Nancy rolls her eyes at the mention of his sweetheart.
Steve chuckles and shakes his head at his best friend.
The sound of your giggle makes them all light up though.
You lean your head against Steve’s shoulder and he doesn’t hesitate to lean his cheek against the top of your head.
“Okay…” You whisper, wiping at your cheek yet again. “You two should get some sleep.” You look between Eddie and Nancy, who share a glance before they look back at you.
“We wanna stay up.” Eddie clears his throat, his arms falling to his sides as he is the first to break the group hug. “If the roads stay clear we’re gonna arrive at the community tonight.”
Nancy nods, looking down.
Steve might have managed to bring you back, but you still need to come to terms that you will be the only one without a family there, without someone waiting for you. You are the reason why they are finding their families in the first place.
Steve’s hand stays pressed against your waist, he pulls you closer against him.
“Oh.” You nod, eyes finding Steve’s for a moment who is already looking down at you, who will stick by your side no matter what. “Okay, yeah. You still need some rest though.”
“I will drive, Sunshine will keep me company, right?” Steve speaks, his hand reaching for yours.
“Yeah, I’ll keep you company.”
Nancy and Eddie both feel relief seeing you smile again, seeing you back again, seeing you be yourself again, even if not completely yet. Though they both feel their heart aching, knowing that tonight you will have to watch them reunite with their families, the way you couldn’t.
“Now go… lay down for a bit, Steve and I will have some breakfast before we hit the road, right?”
Steve’s eyes light up, a mixture of hope and relief swirling in them. It’s been a while since you have eaten a proper meal, a while since you had been the one to bring it up in the first place, even when you don’t end up finishing your bowl of oatmeal fifteen minutes later, he is still satisfied with the small step towards healing. You finish your cup of coffee that is too sweet as always and you clean up, getting ready to get back on the road one last time.
You get comfortable in the passenger seat while Steve settles down in the driver's seat. You welcome his touch when he reaches for your hand and you give him a small smile that he returns instantly.
“Ready?”
You look outside, at the sun beaming down, at the road waiting for you. The sky is blue, clear of any clouds. For the first time in a while, the feeling in your chest is one of peace. You know the rest of this journey will be smooth. You know that this is the last time you will be sitting in this seat, looking out onto the road, looking out for any danger. This will be the last day where you will have to fear for his safety, for his life, for your friends’ life.
This journey won’t end the way you always thought it would. Your parents, your brother were supposed to be here now with you. They were supposed to greet the gates of the community with you but instead they greeted the gates of heaven.
You didn’t think it would end like this.
It wasn’t supposed to end like this.
But life had different plans for you, for your family.
But the darkness didn’t claim you, not even when you thought it did.
You look into the eyes of the man you love, and you know that everything will be okay. He squeezes your hand, his lips touch your knuckles, his eyes shine for you.
“Ready.”
And your future with him is just in reach.
Because by nightfall you are greeted by the breeze of the ocean and the gates of the community.
☀︎
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