i've realised that for long time ive been living in secret. I thought this started when my views on a certain discourse changed; but ive realised its actually been longer than that. much, much longer than that. My second estimate would have been since leaving home/being abused. I tried to cut off my parents, but got swamped with intrusive thoughts and introjects of them. I ended up feeling like I had to work to hide every moment of my life from them. This was not the beginning either. The true beginning of my hiding was in 2012, when I was 13, 3-4 years before my abuse even began. It was a year after when, in 2011, I discovered that my favourite games from the Sonic the Hedgehog series, were hated by (apparently) most people. at least in the fandom. As I read their derisive comments, it hit me personally. I didn't know why they were saying these things. I didn't understand how they could be so mean, so cruel. Over the following year I got used to a life being exposed to hatred of my most precious things. 2012 was when the hiding started. It started with becoming divided from my family. I don't remember why, whether it was because of hearing them, especially my brother and dad, criticising films they watched (which felt like it was on a daily basis I had to sit and listen to them, since my house was open plan). Or whether it was just from a general sense of distrust in people that had been planted in me from reading those hateful comments in 2011. But I started hiding my activities. Making sure I was blocking my computer screen whenever my dad walked past behind me. I started feeling uncomfortable having my family in the living room while I played my Sonic games on the consoles in there. First it started with just mild discomfort. Then in 2013 I outright refused to play games while others were in the livingroom with me. This is when the hiding began. Ive been hiding my life from my family since then. The hiding continued into my abuse. Understandably, as my parents started mistreating me for my ocd, I closed myself off from them. I started despising them, hiding everything from them. Up until I left for uni, when I thought I was free. And it continues today. I have moved back in with my family after struggling to find accommodation elsewhere. I started off living in a caravan in one of the fields on the property. This allowed me a large amount of privacy. Now I have moved into what is basically an annex at one end of the house. While I do use the kitchen in the house now, I still noticeably keep most of my life confined to my room. While I tell my mum about things ive been doing, I tell her sparing details about things that actually really matter to me - personal identity things, such as plurality, gender, and my online life. I've been hiding since 2012. I don't know how to feel safe in my own home anymore.
