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[memoirsofbilal]

My heart is like a baby, you know — for it believed in all your lies. I remember when I saw you for the first time, I knew you were going to matter and my heart was certain that we were not meant to be but I convinced myself that you are special. Do you remember the first time we went out? Deep down I knew it was casual but when you called it ‘a date’ — my little heart believed it.

Do you remember the day you went miles away and we didn't talk for a very long time? A call on random day — those 17 seconds of hearing your voice after a lifetime meant more than anything that had before. I asked you when you would return to me and you replied, ‘soon’. Do you remember the day you came back? Eleventh of May, 7:13 AM to be exact — my heart couldn't contain the happiness, for it seemed that every loss and every pain it had borne before, was healed.

Do you remember the first time I found out you that you were not in love with me? Or you remember the last time I saw you — you were in bed with someone else. All that my little heart wanted was to die, for it did everything but you couldn't stay in it, you couldn't make my heart, your home. But I convinced my heart that it was not its fault — my heart deserves all the happiness in the world, I was less fortunate and you know what, it believed.

You kept on calling me and apologizing, days on end — I stopped responding to your texts and it was not because I was broken or upset, I mean I was but I had to lie to my heart. Every morning, my heart has felt the text messages you sent and it had come to the terms that it was not you, it was me who stopped responding and walked out of a beautiful love story. You know, my heart is like a little baby, for it easily believes all the lies.

— memoirsofbilal (via Instagram)

[luna-s-journal-deactivated20221]

June 09, 2021

Loving you is easy. With every heart beat, I repeat your name like a prayer that will save my soul from damnation. I can say "I love you" without getting choked up on my own words, and I can look at you and think of sunshine and warmth. Loving you was never a chore, never a burden. Loving you is simply is. Loving you is... Loving you is.

But how does a heart full of love for you shrivel the moment these eyes meet the mirror? I can't say anything to the mirror without choking back a sob and turning away. Loving me is rocky and frightening. Loving me is a chore. Tell me, my beloved, how am I full of love for you but empty for me?

Have I left everything with you? Did I leave my heart behind?

Loving you is easy. Loving me is hard.

-Luna

[a-quietsoul]

“Sometimes I wonder. Really wonder. Whether our souls were really created from the same dying star. Whether the lines of our lives were always meant to cross and tied. Whether God, the universe, or whatever that may hold the key of destiny, truly wrote our lives to be together. Whether or not our meeting were predestined, that the day we met was something thoughtfully planned by the creators of everything. Or maybe there were really no plans at all. Maybe there’s no grand blueprint revolving our world, and we were just created to be as we are and be done for. Maybe we weren’t even supposed to meet by any means, but we did anyway. Maybe the profound connection we felt is born from nothing but years of open arms and unconditional love. I wonder if all of this is meant to happen or not. Because if it did, I would like to thank whoever it is that brought you into my life, for writing it in the stars that you and I are meant to be. And if not? If the world is just one big ball of mess colliding with each other? Well, I guess I’ll have to thank you. For finding me. For your soul to meet mine, and welcome it without a doubt.”

— (Accidental?) Soulmates  (via a-quietsoul)

[reformedvagabond-deactivated202]

I can't feel my hands. Diary entry 83

Cold, they feel cold....I don't understand it

The last time my hands felt like this was six months ago.

I was standing in my old room at 18, I was excessively drinking the night before with multiple blunts having been in rotation

Did I have sex that night? No...no you didn't...R was mad at you for going out and you hadn't seen him that day

So anyway, I was standing by the mirror and my hands felt cold

But it didn't feel like it was cold

My hands felt like static , i couldn't feel the things I touched like i normally would

I touched my shirt and it didnt feel like my shirt, my hands didn't feel like my own hands....unfamiliar.

I told Ben and Flo, they said "chill on the weed". I did not. Not at the time anyway. I did eventually.

Now I've been on pain killers..... tramadol, diclofenac, paracetamol and aspirin, stopped pethidine yesterday...nothing hectic....nothing exciting.

I thought about snorting the tramadol just to see what happens. I didn't do it.

I just want my hands to feel like my own

[reformedvagabond-deactivated202]

Diary entry #233

On days like this my insecurities get ahead of me

Inadequacy takes centre stage

I am not enough

The words echo and feel true

I'm pretty replaceable, won't stay on your mind for long

Disappearing is easy, I don't leave a mark at all

I'm boring when you're around me too often

That's what I've come to think

The words echo and feel true

They've reduced me to disposable

Don't waste time to find another

Abandoning me is not difficult

My feelings hardly given a second thought

Disrespect is a norm since they know I can't speak up

I'm not special my body a mess

And after all this time,

The words echo and feel true

[alex-a-roman]

I'd let you run my life

I’m not afraid of darkness, If there’s anyone   I am the one to let the demons in; But we won’t be friends, I don’t befriend, I will lie to you, I will deceive.

You could bring both hell and heaven To reside under this roof, in this room, I still won’t believe; We could hide under the same bed, Battle forever inside these walls, I’d let you win.

I’d let you run my life for me, The game is over, I’m tired of being good; I saw death, I walked through fire And I still don’t fear anything Like I fear me.

~ A. A. Roman

[a-poetic-elsewhere]

Juniper

I wish that we had it that thing others have you know that magnetic pull with the power to plunge two souls into depths of unwavering love

I wish that we had it the kind of love that is obvious fueled by undeniable chemistry so sizzling and palpable it draws in the gaze of everyone else in the room

I wish that we had it the kind of love where you just know when every instinct is so sure and content there’s no questioning or fear no hint of cold feet just the calm inner feeling that this is meant to be

I wish that we had it the kind of love so soft yet mundane where the coffee is made without having to ask or the car is already filled up with gas and you mindlessly trace your thumb against mine as we sit in a darkened movie theater

I wish that we had it the kind of love that is lasting where we endure every decade that life throws our way and still we both stay even on the days where it’s hard to like one another we both choose to put in the energy and the effort

I wish that we had it the kind of love that’s not platonic but what we lack can’t be forced that’s the sad irony no matter how hard we tried we just weren’t meant to be

a-poetic-elsewhere

[tellherium]

“I have never known who or what I am supposed to be. The only thing I know for sure, is that I am supposed to be more than I have been.”

— William Chapman (via quotemadness)

[thelittle-lady]

If I breathe you in and you breathe me out, I swear we can breathe forever. I swear I'll find summer in your winter and spring in your autumn and always, hands at the ends of your fingers, arms at the ends of your shoulders and I swear, when we run out of forever, when we run out of air, your name will be the last word that my lungs make air for.

— Iain S. Thomas, The Desire to Live Underwater Forever

[darkness-pulled-me-in]

“Don’t fall in love with me. There are days when I get sad without a reason and I just stare at the ceiling with tears streaming down my face. Don’t fall in love with me. On those days, I don’t talk to anyone. I just bury myself in my bed and think about how I became this mess of sadness. Don’t fall in love with me. I will become attached to you and I will cry myself to sleep if you don’t text me good night before you go to sleep and I will convince myself that it’s because you got tired of me. Don’t fall in love with me. I’m too much. I will depend on you. I need attention, much more than other people. I’ll talk to you in metaphors and make you one. I’ll write poems about you and opening up my skin at 2 A.M. Don’t fall in love with me. I couldn’t stand you coming home to find me on the bathroom floor shaking and crying, with blood spilling from my wrists. I couldn’t stand seeing the disappointment in your eyes. Don’t fall in love with me. I will pour everything I’ve left of me into you, every bit of love, until I have nothing to give. Until I become completely empty. Don’t fall in love with me. I’m scared that my sadness is contagious. Don’t fall in love with me. I will replay your sweet words in my head when I hate myself so much that I want to die. Your words will be the only thing that make me stay. Don’t fall in love with me. You will live in fear. You won’t be able to leave me, because you’d know if you did, I wouldn’t have anything to live for. Don’t fall in love with me. Before I met you, there wasn’t a single person who could’ve made me stay. You’re my reason now. Don’t fall in love with me. Because I will fall in love with you.”

— Unknown writer (via tatinotchatty)

[radiantquotes]

“it’s hard to say i’m over you when i miss you. it’s impossible to say i don’t like you when i love you. and sometimes, i can’t think straight, because you make me hate loving you. you make me cry and smile for no reason at all. you turn me from happy to sad in a matter of seconds. and in the end, no matter how hard i try to convince myself, i can’t escape the truth - i still love you, and probably always will.”

— c // to love you (via painting-thoughts)

[samxcamargo]

“I’m not going to allow myself to fall into bad habits again. I’m tired of how it feels. I’m tired of feeling trapped in toxic situations. Im tired of feeling as if I can’t breathe. I’m tired. I’m going to start building myself up so high that next time I fall, I won’t fall so far down I can’t pick myself back up. Next time I fall, it will be easier for me to see the way out.”

— Samantha Camargo

[ninasdrafts]

“The thing is, if I‘d found a way, I would have given you the sun. I would have counted the stars in the sky and I would have pulled them down for you. I would have climbed mountains and crossed oceans, I would have run miles and every time I would have given it everything I had. But you were blind to my efforts. You were blind to them all. You never cared much for displays of affection and you never valued my attempts to meet you halfway. It’s a shame that in the end even the sun wouldn’t have been enough for you.”

— I would give you the sun / n.j.

[un-hinges]

“you leave me in pieces. you disappear part by part. once upon a time i knew you. i had you memorized by heart. now you’re back to being a shadow, join the ghosts along my wall. and i can pull you out of my memory, but it’s not the same at all. from shadows you rose, to the shadows you go. in a way, it is fair—i always obsessed over ghosts. now every loose figure in the dark is you. every little haunting is you, it’s you. and i cannot sleep without wondering why you’d prefer this emptiness to still being mine. i had once marveled at a broken mirror, how a shattered thing makes the world that much clearer. one entity split suddenly into sections. one reflection became a thousand reflections. in a thousand frames, i saw myself. in myself today, i see a thousand cells. i don’t like mirrors so much anymore. they remind me of what i was before. and what i was was connected to you. i suppose i’m afraid i might disappear too. i don’t understand, you said mirrors don’t lie. so why don’t they show all i’m feeling inside? i keep trying to dig back down to my roots. but the future has hands, it’s pulling me to new, faraway places i don’t want to be- unless, i can take all, all of me with me. i feel incomplete without my past, and my past is still you. come back, come back.”

— it haunts me that i’ll never be whole again. (un-hinges on tumblr)

[un-hinges]

“you were not wrong from the very start. and to be frank, i was. i gave you a taste of an innocent girl, so that you thought the game was yours. but i was cunning; a wolf in sheep’s clothing. so i let you dream about a happy ending where you could be the prince charming, i made you sip the lust you had buried, just so i could watch you dance in the painful intoxication, i asked you for roses, not because of its beauty, but only to have your fingers covered in blood. you thought you had done all for love, but really, i was just bored. you are only for the show, my dear; and now your role has come to its end.”

—

you were just there to fill the void, don’t ever think we’re meant to be.

(un-hinges on tumblr)

[un-hinges]

“there seems to be a false dichotomy between moving on and not loving you anymore, or at all. it’s a blatant disregard for how i chose to walk away from this and to live my life unburden by shattered heart one second more while still having you in my heart, entirely immovable. i seem to have perfected the art of just thinking about you and not hurting for it until you come to me in my dreams and love me in there with your eyes and smile and hands in mine. i wake up with fresh wounds inside my chest where my heart resides and once again i am back to ground zero and i am starving for you.”

— one step forward and two steps back (un-hinges on tumblr)

[un-hinges]

“To the boy I once loved, I’m sorry I’ve ever compared you to galaxies. I’m sorry I’ve ever compared your eyes as the sun. I’m sorry I’ve ever compared your hands as if you put the stars in the sky. I’m sorry for all this time I’ve ever compared you to too many beautiful things. Truth is, you are not beautiful. You never were. We were all never beautiful nor perfect. I’m sorry I’ve ever thought you are my sun, my stars, and my skies altogether because you are not. I was wrong that I thought you were equally as beautiful as them. You are not my stars or my sun or my galaxy; you are human. You are made of bones and flesh and blood and sweat. You are not an object. I’m sorry I used to think that you are the one that makes me feel whole and complete because you are not. You’re human just as I am. Now to think of it, I am no less special than you. They say that every atom in our body is once a part of a star. You are not my stars. I am my own stars. I’ve realized that I don’t need you to make me feel whole or complete anymore.”

— How silly of me, I insulted space while you were merely a star (un-hinges on tumblr)