My friends know the best of me. With that comes them knowing the worst of me. Tonight I said lousy things about an individual that I do not even personally know. I said them with passion, rage, and almost in a sense, jealousy. I always tell myself comparison is the thief of joy and normally I steal my own joy by belittling my being, but today I belittled another. It felt so good for the time being. It felt so good in THAT moment. As I stood in the warmth of my nightly shower and own thoughts, I just reflected on my earlier statements. I felt like such a low tier human being for allowing myself to stoop so low, even in private. The three lines I said ruminated in my head as the steam of the shower lingered in my vision. I know I am human, not going to ever be perfect, and I will say things that are not always right. But, I also know that I am better than the remarks I made tonight. I am old and wise enough to know that even in my lowest of lows, no comment as such is appropriate. I need to learn to love myself wholeheartedly. To love myself for me and to also dislike myself because of me (although fully loving myself is the goal). I should not have to always have a third party dictating my self worth. I want to be better. I will be better.
For you nosey readers out there, basically I said that this girls butt was not as nice as my own and that she did not have as flat as a tummy as I expected. Keep in mind today was literally the only day ever where I was not bloated LMAO! I think I was trying to gaslight myself or something. She is beautiful, it is okay to admit that.
New Years is a time when people reflect on the past and make hopes for the future. We make resolutions and swear by the "new year, new me" mantra. These big expectations are usually met with disappointment because we aren't achieving the goals we set for ourselves. How can we solve this never-ending problem? We change the narrative.
I know the feeling all too well. I make a list of all the things I want to change about myself, and when I make one mistake, I say "whoops! Guess I'll try again next year." Again and again this method has proved itself to be ineffective and for years I kept asking myself why it just wasn't working. I realized recently that I was trying to change my whole life in a matter of minutes. The second the clock hits midnight, I was a "new person" stripped of all the guilt, shame, and bad habits of the previous year. Not fully taking into account that "last year" was 30 seconds ago.
This isn't going to be a lengthy post. I just wanted to remind myself and all of you that it is okay if you couldn't let go of every little thing that bothered you in 2023. If you aren't a "new you" yet, that's fine, take a deep breath. We shouldn't strive to change who we are every year, it's exhausting. What I recommend and what I'm currently working on, is loving yourself unconditionally. There is no harm in wanting to improve your lifestyle, that's actually an act of self-care but take it one day at a time. If you take time to reflect and make small achievable goals, they will add up and you'll start to see the results you've been working towards.
This new year I am manifesting more life, new experiences, and good health. May all of your hopes and dreams for 2024 come true.
I lie in my bed at night and cry. I also heavily think. But I cry, whether it is the wet tears that stream down my face or the inside of my body just hurting, I know my expressions or lack of, cannot mask the cries that I’m letting out. I wonder what it’s like to be loved, yet I am and have been. I wonder what it’s like to be normal, yet that day I WAS NORMAL. The night brings such a sadness that I avoid, yet weirdly prolong. The night is when I wake up and feel the most human, super in depth with my thoughts, yet at the same time so isolated from the rest of the world. My eyes, heart, and head well up. I feel every emotion possible. I hate it, but also love it. Every memory I have had, every lesson I have learned, rummages through my head. My head becomes most articulate at night.
Every person in my life crosses my mind. I either loathe those people and fill myself up with empowerment or I turn to loathing myself for how I potentially impacted those people. How I left those people. And how I, myself, feel left and lonely.
I’m at the cusp of love and hate, more so feeling hatred. An unwarranted hatred, no direction, and honestly NO reasoning. There is a fine line between love and pain. I just find myself crossing the threshold of pain.
The night brings me comfort in my old self, my old thoughts, and I get to reverse all my progress I made during the day. I go back to my childlike state where thoughts rummage my head, I sink into my bed, and my life flickers like a montage.
Indifference is the bane of me. I don’t feel terrible lows, but I also don’t really feel anything except a monotone monologue controlling my life. My highs are disturbed. Unkept. I appear happy and jolly, to which at those times I am, until I shut off the lights with one switch, scorch myself of any delicate warmth, and perturb my solitude. I guess the only way I can reflect on me and my life is that I have never felt at home. Discomfort in my body, discomfort in my mind (heavily now), discomfort in my living. I wish I could rip off my skin, metaphorically speaking. Even so, I at times wish I could literally rip the skin off my body to ease the discomfort my mind puts me in. So many thoughts without clarity. So I sit and wallow, my natural ordinance of inaction.
I say to you “omg you FINALLY look good” but I say it from the purest part of my heart. Yeah I mean well and in my eyes I’m giving a compliment, but how is the receiver to feel? How would you feel? Sometimes good intentions that come across poorly intertwine with failing to be perceptive of the other side. That eventually turns into something bigger, which is, ignorance. If I don’t become more considerate of your feelings and I repeat certain actions, how am I serving you as the person you are? Now, as the person who received that so called “compliment” yeah you couldn’t scream at the me, right? Because after all, I wasn’t aware and my intentions were good, PLUS it was my first strike. So you swallow your pride, become the bigger person, and ACCEPT me for who I am and what my intentions were.
But then AGAIN, I do the same thing. I strike unintended hurt. You get upset. I then wonder why you are upset. You tell me why you are upset and I hear you, but I just don’t quite understand you. I listen, but I just cannot interpret what you said. I look to you in complete confusion. At this point, all I’m seeing is a reaction while missing WHY you reacted.
“I gave her a compliment!” I thought, while you think, “she gave me a backhanded compliment?” We are then on different pages. I strike again with my comments and keep unknowingly hurting you. You tell me how it makes you feel and I respond with “but I didn’t mean it that way” and “it’s not a big deal”. BUT, to you, you were hurt and it was a BIG deal AND you told me that too. You just said you were hurt to me but to me, that doesn’t matter as much bc I just didn’t mean it. You feel that I cared more about defending myself than just stating and acknowledging how it came across. The cycle then repeats and I’m oblivious to how you work, so I keep hurting you. It makes you feel crazy inside for having every ounce of emotion being passed off, minimized into nothing. You then would start to get upset and frustrated because I haven’t taken the time to consider your feelings. You have understood that yes, my intentions weren’t bad, but I haven’t taken the time to learn how my unintentional actions can sometimes resonate poorly.
2/5/23: Love and Life, things I think about a lot - thoughts that I think about a lot.
I can find a home in anyone, even a broken one. But what does that say about me? Do I just not have my own home? Is my home broken? Or do I open my home too easily to others? Do I run to others or do I allow others to run into mine? Do I exhaust myself to others at the expense of myself? I do not know. I do not know if I know how to love correctly. I know how to love, I do not think I am extriciably toxic or any mannerisms as such, however, do I unequivocally know what it means to have a healthy love?
I do not know a respectful kind of love, where I can balance loving them AND myself. I know a love, a love of give or take, where I give all my all until I take back that all. I know a love where I put myself on the line, in postions that do not benefit me. I am either selfish, where I believe that any statement I hear is a lie, or I am selfless, where I allow small statements to encompass me. Why I fail to maintain this balance, I do not know. I know I can love and I love so deeply, but what I do not get (or maybe I do and I am just overexplaining the simple - that I did not look too hard to find it/ I looked too hard that I picked the first things thats approached me - I could glamorize a blank sheet of paper) is why love has not really worked out for me? Again, am I overthinking? Is this maybe not just the normal course trajectory of life, where you live and you learn, love and you lose, type of situation? Am I making my life more difficult by trying to understand everyone, including myself, and everything it?
I rationalize so much, yet fail to comphrend the obvious. Some things are not meant to be so pondered about, so why am I still so baffled by my past? I think I can accept it, but I just can’t help but admit that I think my past has molded and confined my future. It has subconciously altered my perspective on love and trust, ruined the relfection I have of myself, all the while has wonderfully humbled me, forcing me to realize and change my faults. But maybe again, I am just allowing my past to impede into my current and future as a safety blanket and clutch of last resort.
I went into love so airy and light, came out of it so muddled and heavy, yet honestly so empowered. I then again went into love so muddled and heavy, felt so airy and light, and then again, felt deecived and stupid, empowered yet so insecure. Did I surmise the downfall of my relationships or was I just vigilant towards the actions of others? Did I look at the glass half empty or was I just ahead of the curve? Was I the demise or was I just aware of what was about to come? Did I assume the end before there ever was any beginning or was I just being overtly realistic while prolonging that reality - just to be happy and to have that love at my fingertips?
I lack this trust in myself that allows me to distort any reality that comes my way. One could say “delulu”, or, one could say hyperviligant, anxious, and even if I must throw a compliment in - overly perceptive. Yet I struggle to accept the what is. Some things in life are meant to be understood and others are meant to understand. Not everything however, needs to be either. Sometimes things are exactly how they seem, exactly how and what they were said, yet my mind never eases me of this. My mind is not an escape of calamity, it is the projector of catastrophe.
I think ultimately my nature, one who normally looks at the glass half full, was changed due to the conditions become inherently alarming - I sensed red flags and rather confronting those red flags, yet rather seeing those red flags as external, I fully internalized them sending me into a whirlwind of poor self inflection. I was right! My mind was in fact, correct! But what I was wrong about, was allowing my spiral in self to be so full of doubt and elusive.
