2/5/23: Love and Life, things I think about a lot - thoughts that I think about a lot.
I can find a home in anyone, even a broken one. But what does that say about me? Do I just not have my own home? Is my home broken? Or do I open my home too easily to others? Do I run to others or do I allow others to run into mine? Do I exhaust myself to others at the expense of myself? I do not know. I do not know if I know how to love correctly. I know how to love, I do not think I am extriciably toxic or any mannerisms as such, however, do I unequivocally know what it means to have a healthy love?
I do not know a respectful kind of love, where I can balance loving them AND myself. I know a love, a love of give or take, where I give all my all until I take back that all. I know a love where I put myself on the line, in postions that do not benefit me. I am either selfish, where I believe that any statement I hear is a lie, or I am selfless, where I allow small statements to encompass me. Why I fail to maintain this balance, I do not know. I know I can love and I love so deeply, but what I do not get (or maybe I do and I am just overexplaining the simple - that I did not look too hard to find it/ I looked too hard that I picked the first things thats approached me - I could glamorize a blank sheet of paper) is why love has not really worked out for me? Again, am I overthinking? Is this maybe not just the normal course trajectory of life, where you live and you learn, love and you lose, type of situation? Am I making my life more difficult by trying to understand everyone, including myself, and everything it?
I rationalize so much, yet fail to comphrend the obvious. Some things are not meant to be so pondered about, so why am I still so baffled by my past? I think I can accept it, but I just can’t help but admit that I think my past has molded and confined my future. It has subconciously altered my perspective on love and trust, ruined the relfection I have of myself, all the while has wonderfully humbled me, forcing me to realize and change my faults. But maybe again, I am just allowing my past to impede into my current and future as a safety blanket and clutch of last resort.
I went into love so airy and light, came out of it so muddled and heavy, yet honestly so empowered. I then again went into love so muddled and heavy, felt so airy and light, and then again, felt deecived and stupid, empowered yet so insecure. Did I surmise the downfall of my relationships or was I just vigilant towards the actions of others? Did I look at the glass half empty or was I just ahead of the curve? Was I the demise or was I just aware of what was about to come? Did I assume the end before there ever was any beginning or was I just being overtly realistic while prolonging that reality - just to be happy and to have that love at my fingertips?
I lack this trust in myself that allows me to distort any reality that comes my way. One could say “delulu”, or, one could say hyperviligant, anxious, and even if I must throw a compliment in - overly perceptive. Yet I struggle to accept the what is. Some things in life are meant to be understood and others are meant to understand. Not everything however, needs to be either. Sometimes things are exactly how they seem, exactly how and what they were said, yet my mind never eases me of this. My mind is not an escape of calamity, it is the projector of catastrophe.
I think ultimately my nature, one who normally looks at the glass half full, was changed due to the conditions become inherently alarming - I sensed red flags and rather confronting those red flags, yet rather seeing those red flags as external, I fully internalized them sending me into a whirlwind of poor self inflection. I was right! My mind was in fact, correct! But what I was wrong about, was allowing my spiral in self to be so full of doubt and elusive.
As a child, reading books was the closest equivalent of wandering around. And I was scolded even for that. I was prohibited to read after 9pm. But of course, even then Im already the hard-headed Donna that I am (just worse now?). . And resourceful. . Thats when i made a flashlight and a blanket my very best companions!
I'd turn off the lights when its nearing 9, hide under a blanket, turn on my flashlight and continue my wandering in my imaginary worlds every night. Sometimes, I'd be in Sweet Valley High hanging out with my favorite twins, Jessica and Elizabeth. . Or I'd be pretending that I'm Nancy Drew's sidekick. . Or scare the hell out of me with Goosebump stories. . But my times in Hogwarts were the best! Im almost always bathing in my own sweat (gross, yeah, but who cares about it when you're a kid, right?) rushing my way to school in Diagon Alley, or running away from the dementors. . the spiders. . or just dealing with the mentally sick professors who're like they're capable of eating a wizard whole and alive! . . Or playing Quidditch and tryin to catch that Snitch! But of course, NONE of these were the real reason why I'm sweating profusely. . Partly, i guess. . But mainly because, I was UNDER A BLANKET the whole time!
This was also the time when I developed a very keen sense of hearing. And master the ONLY scene in my whole acting career (if i will have any) that my audience will probably give a standing ovation for pulling it off convincingly - pretending to be drop dead sleeping when someone opens the door of my room. And this probably explains as well, the geeky glasses i've been wearing since grade 1. :)
But no regrets! It was fun! And it was one of the few things which made me remain sane despite my, lets just say, unique upbringing! ;)
This weekend was a step in my life I am not sure helped me or hurt me. Came out thinking it helped, now that I'm back to my thoughts, that may not be true. I physically met someone I knew online for a year and a half. I spent the whole weekend with her, infact. There was a lot of Dope smoked that weekend. its still hazy. The only clear memory was of me staring at her for what turned out to be all day. I knew it was weird, I didn't care. I couldn't stop admiring her.
Well, it was this or Youtube. I needed somewhere to let it all go. Im Nic, nice to meet you. Im twenty years old, I am six and a half feet tall, and I'm redheaded. Don't worry, you will get to know me more, come later posts. Wanna know something specific? Just Ask.
