hey, update time. suppose there's a lot to cover.
ill start firstly with why it's been so long since an entry. guess i thought i was getting better, didnt need somewhere to vent/log and keep track of this stuff, but thats not the case. i guess the thoughts of suicide had mostly subsided, and i was on an uphill. i think things are still generally okay, but im just not as good as i thought i was. its okay though, since ill try coming back here again.
social life update, no good news. the closest to good news would be just that im talking to sam a bit more?
a few weeks back, a rapper by the name of XXXTENTACION was killed, and the news spread all over the internet. i didnt follow the guy, but i knew he was someone important to many people, and said "rest in peace" on my profile. comments surfaced. apparently he had a history of violence and abuse. i deleted the comments to avoid further drama, since that wasn't the point. but liz had said a certain something on it so i confronted her about it.
she immediately attacked me in our pms because of her view on the guy. it got to a point where some awful things got said, like: (not exact words, but very close)
[on the topic of me saying x tried to change, forgive]
liz : *** doesnt think lightly/forgive people who are abusive
me : and? what about my past with **** and ** ***?
i asked why im excluded despite having valid reason and history for my feelings, and she ignored me.
liz : whatever, he's dead now. he'll be forgotten.
me : wait i can't believe you just said that
liz : (ignores me, continues)
me : liz i cant believe you just said that
liz : (partially ignores, continues)
i tried to get her to realize what she had said and take it back, because she should know how serious the topic of death is for me. i tried to explain that many people might've hated x, but people still loved x too. but she insisted that either way, because of his history, he'd be forgotten. she wouldn't take it back.
i had no way of getting through to her. everything I said got brushed off. i blocked her, everywhere. and cancelled all plans i had that night.
all i could think was "whoever viewed me as a villian with what happened between josh and i, what if their views spread after i die? am i more forgettable? would i be forgotten no matter who was on my side before?". i wouldn't have a side anymore. id be gone.
even all the times that i tried to think of my suicide and how to leave things on a good note when i leave, it made me think that it doesn't matter who i say i love or how much, theyd forget it if one person though otherwise. and i would really be nothing more than some awful memory to those i loved.
it was the first time liz has ever been the cause of an attack. thoughts of self harm were constant, and vivid images of my own death were always playing in my mind.
the stupidest shit happens when you let your emotions take over. and when i realized that the next day, i wanted to talk to her face to face and really sort it out. i needed to know if thats what she thought. it wasn't about X anymore, it hardly was in the first place. it was about her view.
i went and bought a ring, waited for about twenty minutes outside of her work, and apologized on one knee. i thought i maybe took it too far by blocking her, but explained that i didn't have any other way of getting through to her.
we sat in the car, and i tried to talk with her about it. and she barely listened. i tried calmly, firmly, quoted her words, gave her time to talk. explained it wasn't even about X. after all that she was still fighting me, barely listening to me talk. and so one last time, after she was about as calm as she could get, i asked her just for a yes or no, if that was what she really thought. and no matter her answer, i wouldnt hate her. i just needed to know.
i had to egg her on constantly to get even somewhat of an answer. she hid her response, muffled it, joked about it, on and on. half assing it. after another ten minutes of it I got really close, sat right under her face and said "I need an actual answer. with your words."
i looked right at her, and barely with a whisper did she give me her answer. she didn't even look me in the eye until after. even though i explained and showed how important it was that tell me this. that she "loses on argument" or "backs down"..
after all that, i got one word spoken barely at a whisper, and she didn't even look me in the eyes. I can only think she only said it because i wanted her to, not because it was her answer.
after that, i just let it go, and said thank you as if i was satisfied. i know she is going through a tough time, and shes emotional and moody and whatever else. but i sat there for a whole hour for her to not even really hear me.
the trust i had with her is broken. the number of people i am truly safe with is now just three.
((continued in next post))
