hiraeth

i am what you need when you can't find it somewhere else... i am what you want when you don't have anything else... trigger warning.

[shhhivers]

[shhhivers]

That kind of pushed me back for a second...

Apparently it is in fact very very easy, and there's some funny stuff going along with it that I'll have to pass along someday... ...just please don't ask, please don't ask because you'll freak out if you do and I don't want that

There are only two things in this whole entire world that make me all starry-eyed and even my therapist has noticed that; there are only two things in this whole world that I can talk about for hours without a second of boredom and I can't afford to lose that...

[shhhivers]

The next time I read somewhere that some fucking letter or cluster of fucking letters is pronounced like the goddamn "s" in pleasure I'm going to s c r e a m and slap someone preferably myself

[shhhivers]

My soon-to-be roomie is really stressing out and I feel so bad

Hang in there roomie, we're gonna be just fine I'm gonna teach you how to count to ten in Spanish and you'll listen to me yell about Russian for a while; we'll squeeze all our shit in your car and sing dumb songs for a thousand miles; we'll talk about our problems and fix all of them and it'll all be okay in the end

[shhhivers]

THOSE TWO WORDS ARE R E L A T E D OMGOMGOMG

[shhhivers]

I wish I could fast fosuwbeicdbwsizysbroxywkwoux I'm a fucking whale

[shhhivers]

Is "Borderline" basically the only song I've listened to this week? Yes.

Did I say the words "weird, "shit," and "fuck" approximately s thousand times today? Yes.

When you started talking about French, how badly did I want to yell at that fucking bee that kept flying at me in another foreign language? Badly.

Am I slightly pleased that I ran as fast as you even though I'm out of shape and your legs are really long? Yes.

((Is there a chance you were just trying to not outrun me? Yes.))

Do I want to go back onto that government property again simply because I wanna do that again and I wanna know what's behind that random-ass tall wall in the middle of the fucking woods? Yes.

Did my therapist respond to my "how do I fix t h a t problem" question with "you set the bitch-fit limit to once a month and accept that there's nothing you can do about it other than to say 'shut the fuck up'"? Yes.

Was today a good day once I stopped being stupid? Yes.

[shhhivers]

I think I'm gonna go back to old my personal/text blog...

[shhhivers]

You gotta know I'm gonna be a party pooper and I'm not gonna eat and that's just gonna be how it goes

[shhhivers]

*quietly goes back to the black and white community*

[shhhivers]

You get sick of the crap you live with but fuck I'm not dying to start living—I'm just dying to die and I'm unbelievably content with it

[shhhivers]

My!! Head!! Hurts!! So!! Fucking!! Bad!!!!!!!!!!!

[shhhivers]

America at its best

[shhhivers]

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm s o r r y

[shhhivers]

I spent a year in psychology pls you cannot use psychology shit against me thank you no that’s m y card to play

It doesn’t work that way, and believe me because I’ve tried it. You can’t go on doing that hoping it’ll work because all it does is tear you up. You don't want to keep doing that. It'll just make shit worse and you've got more than enough going on. You deal with it by going e l s e w h e r e and researching how to fix it. I know that it's a terrible feeling and that seems like the way to fix it but it isn't something that can get fixed that way.

That’s not what you want though. You think you wanted it but at the end of the day it’s just gonna fuck me up.

It's gonna pass and then a whole new group of people are gonna join me in wishing I'd slit my throat or jumped off a bridge.

I don't know how much longer I can live with this. It feels like someone's injecting toxins under my skin for fun and it's n o t fun. It's ridiculous and stressful and I'm constantly looking around for something broken but I don't fucking know what I'm looking for. I don't know w h a t I've broken and I c a n ' t .

I have that feeling in the back of my throat and in my nose that says I'm sick and I fucking s w e a r . . .

[shhhivers]

Grandma you needed to let that whole thing go pls

[zerodix]

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