i haven’t written in awhile and most times really, i don’t because i find myself profusely reevaluating why should i write / am i writing to suit an audience / are these actually raw, unfiltered / if so, am i truly okay with that?
i’m at a point in my life that i’m both happy and unhappy with a long list of things in life. it’s hard because that also means that i’m fluctuating between spectrums and i hate that because, moments like this make me feel plus think that i’m a walking lie. a contradiction. that i’m not a wholesome me.
one thing i’ve been telling God this week is: i’m confused. about myself.
and i don’t know if God’s will is that i become less confused or completely not confused - but i think He’s trying to help me understand that He accepts all of me and that can be enough for me.
it’s difficult because being emotionally driven/charged leads me to places of enormous extremes but most times, i tell myself that i do have to keep it together - i’m a college career counselor, professionalism is key; professionalism is plastered on my facial expressions. students see me, my colleagues see me, my employers see me. but these are also times when i forget that God sees me and He wants me to know that i don’t have to keep it altogether whenever i approach Him.
when i was taking a shower this evening, i started weeping (ha, just like the movies). i thought about sumi, i thought about connie, i thought about nina - i started weeping. singapore’s not the same especially with the level of transparency and willingness to be understood - i know that and i am ok with that, but that doesn’t discount the longing, the missing, and the times of just being my complete self. i say this too often - to God, to myself, to people, to social media: but, i can’t wait. i can’t wait for just that one day i get to see you/all three of you. i think i might burst into immediate tears when i do.
another week of work ahead - for once, i’m not ready. i’m not dreading work, but i’m not ready.
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