I ship the ships that probably won't ever sail

[achromatophoric]

Wednesday: And my so-called secret admirer has enlisted you as their liaison?

Agnes: That’s correct. Your secret admirer, who is as shy as she is vibrant, would like to know what you are looking for in a woman.

Nearby bush: *anxious rustle*

Agnes/Wednesday: 😒 😒 🌳💦

Wednesday: …I see.

Wednesday: Tell my would-be suitor that I prefer my women in the same manner as my favorite knives—

Wednesday: —and that if she is truly interested in courting me, then she would do well to replace them.

Agnes: *knowing grin* Understood.

Wednesday: *gives a curt nod and stalks away*

Agnes: *turns and casually walks over to the nearby bush*

Agnes: She’s gone, pup. You can come out now.

Enid: *pops up with a groan of frustration* She likes her women like she likes her favorite knives? Seriously?

Agnes: That’s what she said.

Enid: So what, sharp and well-maintained? Does she want me to like, I dunno, BUY her sharper knives??

Agnes: Not exactly. Where does Wednesday keep her favorite knives?

Enid: In their sheaths, duh! How does that help?

Agnes: 🤦‍♀️

Agnes: *slowly* And she keeps those sheaths where exactly?

Enid: Strapped to her inner thi—

Enid: 🫪‼️

Enid: Th… th-thi… thi… thnngnfghh…

Agnes: Enid? Your nose is… nevermind, I’ll take care of it.

Agnes/Enid:

[textsfromsuperheroes]

Texts From Superheroes

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[achromatophoric]

Morticia: And who is this deranged little doppelgänger?

Agnes: *curtsies* It’s my displeasure to meet you, Mrs. Addams. I’m Ag—

Enid: *snarks* She’s a pathetic pocket-sized plagiarist, that’s who she is.

Wednesday: Let it go, mi lobita. It was one time.

Enid: But it was MY LINE!

Wednesday: Tamp down the vexation. You are above such a juvenile overreaction.

Enid: 😤

Morticia/Agnes: 😒😒

Agnes: As I was saying, I’m Agnes DeMille. It’s DeMille with two L’s. Like “illegal drug”.

Enid/Wednesday: 😏😐

Enid/Wednesday: 😌😡

[guardianofreaks]

Bianca: Hey are you . . . ummm sorry should I go?

Enid: *tying Wednesday to chair* What? Oh this don't worry it's entirely consensual

Bianca: Yeah I should go . . .

Enid: No not like that! It's for my anxiety

Bianca: She's tied up for your anxiety . . .

Enid: Exactly

Bianca: . . . Why?

Enid: So you know how she's always running head first into danger, without telling me?

Bianca: Yes I am familiar

Enid: Well if I'm feeling especially anxious she lets me tie her up do I know where she is and that she's safe

Bianca: Okay that makes sense in a 'I won't go to therapy' way but why is she knocked out?

Enid: She's been having trouble sleeping because of her nightmarish visions so she got some chloroform

Bianca: So you actually knocked her out and tied her up?!

Enid: When you so say it like that!

Bianca: *folds arms and stares at her*

Enid: Look she wrote a permission slip! *grabs a typed note from her desk*

I herby consent to being tied up in a conscious or unconscious state by Enid Sinclair. If however she takes advantage of the opportunity to dress me in some ridiculous outfit this agreement is void

𝓦𝓮𝓭𝓷𝓮𝓼𝓭𝓪𝔂 𝓐𝓭𝓭𝓪𝓶𝓼

Bianca looks at Wednesday tied to a chair in a black cat onesie

Bianca: *looks at Enid and raises an eyebrow*

Enid: I think she looks adorable, she should have used more specific language

Bianca: Right . . . Anyway I came to see if you were still coming to movie night

Enid: OMG I totally forgot, of course I am!

Bianca: *looks at Wednesday* Are you just going to leave her like that

Enid: *sucking her lip* I guess not, I mean what if there's a fire

. . .

Yoko opens her door to find Enid in a golden retriever onesie, Bianca in a shark onsie and Wednesday still in black cat onesie unconscious and tied to chair

Yoko: Oh it's going to be one of those parties, nice!

[bebemoon]

"can our ai assistant help you?" "give our ai mode a try !" "our ai assistant is your new best friend !"

[achromatophoric]

Enid: *gasps* You’ve seriously never heard of snakes being called nope ropes?

Wednesday: I do not participate in fatuous monikers, let alone ones for animals deserving of respect.

Bianca: Hear that, folks? It’s game time. State a funny animal nickname and the one who identifies it goes next. Got it?

Wednesday: I’d rather not be subjected to—

Bianca: Don’t care. Trash panda.

Divina: *grins* Easy, raccoon. Sea flap flap.

Ajax: Stingray! Cobra chicken.

Kent: Goose! Um… Oh! Fart squirrel.

Yoko: *snorts* That’s a skunk. And I’ll say…

Yoko: 🤔

Yoko: 😏

Yoko: …danger bicycle.

Bianca/Divina/Ajax/Kent: 🤨😯🤔🤔

*sharp gasp*

Bianca/Divina/Ajax/Kent: 😒😏😒😒

Enid: 🫢

Wednesday: Well? What animal would possibly be called a danger bicycle? Not that I actually care.

Yoko: *smug grin* Oh, I think Enid can handle this one.

Wednesday/Enid: 😒😳💦

[achromatophoric]

Enid: I know we’ve only been dating for a couple weeks now, but I really, really, REALLY wanna hear you say it.

Wednesday: Absolutely not.

Enid: Please do it! Say “I love you”. We both know you do.

Wednesday: I refuse.

Enid: What if I were to tie you up and dangle you over hot coals while poking you with janky old sharp implements from the thrift store?

Wednesday: You would dare to torture a confession out of me using barbaric methods with a high risk of tetanus?

Enid: Obvi!

Wednesday:

[achromatophoric]

Enid: *playfully* Hey, Wends, if I said you have a nice body, would you hold it against me?

Wednesday: I would.

Enid: R-Really? Then, um, you have a nice body!

Wednesday:

Wednesday: Grab your coat and follow me.

Enid: What? Why?? It’s August!

Wednesday: Precisely. As Uncle Fester would say, “you want a body nice, gotta keep it on ice”.

Enid: ☹️

[celinethefeline]

[achromatophoric]

Bianca: Based on the facts, I vote that Enid wins the award for Most Ironic Shirt.

Divina: *wrinkles her nose* No disagreement here.

Yoko: *queasily* Same. Ugh.

Enid: YES! WOO! IN YOUR FACES!

Wednesday: 🤨

Wednesday: *peers at Enid’s shirt*

Wednesday: I don’t doubt the veracity of your win, but what exactly is a “Team Wyler”?

Bianca/Divina/Yoko/Enid: 😒😬🤢😝

[achromatophoric]

During one of auntie Bianca’s visits to the Addams family household.

Enid: *cheerily* Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes~ 🎶

Shelley: Knees and toes! Knees and toes! 🎶

Bianca: Teaching Shelley anatomy?

Wednesday: She already knows her anatomy. We’re teaching her how to dispose of evidence.

Bianca: Excuse me?

Shelley: YAY! I found another toe!

Enid: Good job, honey! That’s the last one, so it’s time to feed Mister Furnace!

Bianca: ☹️

[achromatophoric]

Enid: *looms over* So, Wednesday, what exactly did you see?

Wednesday: You, in the process of tying me to this chair.

Enid: Yeah, well, it’s not like you left me with much of a choice. We are going to finally talk about our feelings whether you want to or not.

Wednesday: ‼️

〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️

Wednesday: *awakens with a gasp*

Enid: *relieved* Oh thank the Moon, you’re awake! Did you just have a vision?

Wednesday: Yes, and an absurd one at that. *goes to stand*

Wednesday: 😐

Wednesday: *tries again and fails*

Wednesday: 🤨

Enid: *looms over* So, Wednesday, what exactly did you see?

Wednesday: …shit.

[miraycarpenter]

For fun :3

Enid: "Has anyone seen my top?"

Agnes: "Wednesday is right there." *points wednesday with her finger*

Wednesday: *Writing her novel, looks at them when hears her name*

"What is making you interrupt me?"

Agnes: "Enid asked for her top."

Wednesday: "..."

Enid: *Blushes slightly but no one notices, hoping Wednesday didn't understand what was Agnes meaning* "I was talking about my swimming top."

Wednesday: "Didn't Divina borrow it?"

Enid: *Gasps* "Maybe she did, thank you wednesday!" *exits the room*

Wednesday: *Looks at Agnes with a gaze that says "Im going to kill you."*

[achromatophoric]

Enid: Not to doubt your skills, Wends, but there’s like no way you rescued me all by yourself.

Wednesday: Anything can be accomplished given sufficient motivation and resources.

Enid: Uh huh. Agnes helped you, didn’t she?

Wednesday: You mean my resource.

Enid: Wednesday! We talked about this, Agnes is NOT a resource, she is a FRIEND.

Agnes: *materializes* I can be both!

Wednesday/Enid: *simultaneously* No, you CAN’T.

Agnes: Wh-What?

Enid: What I mean is you can’t be both because you’re a friend, Agnes, not a resource. You aren’t just some asset to be deployed. You are a living, breathing, friend.

Wednesday: Enid, stop, you don’t know—

Enid: *whirls on her girlfriend* No, YOU don’t know! Wednesday, you are the love of my life, but sometimes you can be so. Freaking. Callous!

Wednesday: *suffering sigh* Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Agnes: *looks between the two* Really? You think I’m a friend? A close one?

Enid: *turns back to Agnes with a gentle smile* Of course I do. Heck, you’re basically family.

Wednesday: I—

Enid: *shoots Wednesday a withering glare* Don’t EVEN.

Agnes: Do… Do you really mean it?

Enid: Totes! You, Agnes DeMille, are family.

Wednesday: *deeply resigned sigh*

Agnes: Sinclair, you mean.

Enid:

Enid: Excuse me?

Agnes: *smiles triumphantly as she holds something out to Enid*

Enid: *peers at the passport* Agnes Sincl— WHAT THE CRAP IS THIS?!

Agnes: My second choice. I was honestly hoping for Agnes Addams, but I can always wait for my mommiess to get married.

Enid: m-M-MOMMIES?!

Agnes: Eventually! Anyways, I have to go blackmail some government officials. And don’t worry, I already forged all of the signatures so you won’t even have to lift a claw.

Enid: B-B-B-But—

Agnes: Bye, Mom! Kisses! *promptly vanishes*

Wednesday/Enid: 😒 😨

Wednesday: *with great sarcasm* Good job, “Mom”.

Enid: …whuh…?

[achromatophoric]

Enid: Hey, Wends! I just learned how to partially shift my tongue!

Wednesday: Intriguing. What is the resulting length?

Enid: I dunno. I haven’t actually measured it yet. Got a ruler handy?

Wednesday: No, but the average human esophagus is approximately 20 centimeters long in a woman of my height.

Wednesday: *steps up to Enid* It would be trivial to calculate the length from there. An acceptable sacrifice for science.

Enid: Okey-dokey. Say “ah” for science!

Wednesday: *opens her mou—*

“AHHHHH!”

Enid: Hey! I didn’t mean literally!

Wednesday: That was most certainly not me.

Enid/Wednesday: 😒😒 🫥‼️

*scramble* *thump* *scurry* *SLAM!*

Enid/Wednesday: *stare at their still-vibrating door*

Enid: So, uh… back to science?

Wednesday: *curt nod*

Enid/Wednesday:

[achromatophoric]

Enid: Even though Wednesday is the tunnel at the end of my light, I can’t imagine my life without her in it.

Bianca: Girl, are you implying that she’s going to be the death of you, or that she’s some kind of claustrophobic embodiment of misery—

Bianca: —that will always be lurking somewhere in your life, like a late-stage cancer diagnosis waiting to happen?

Enid:

Enid: *dreamy sigh* Yes. 💕

– In a nearby hidden tunnel, perfect for spying. –

Wednesday: *falls even harder stores the information for purely academic purposes*

[archaicfauna]

Robin, drunk and joking around while the group is dispersing to go home after a party, planting a big kiss on Nancy’s cheek and telling her she loves her right before Steve drags her away, completely unaware of how it made Nancy immediately start malfunctioning.