Not Now || Self-Para
Jake awoke to a loud buzzing in his bed. He wiped his eyes, picking it up. He glanced at the number. He knew it. He just didn't want to believe it was her. He waited. It continued to buzz. Finally, he pressed answer. "Hello?"
"It's so nice to hear your voice," the familiar voice hummed. Still as soft as he remembered. "You know I-"
"How did you even get this number?" Jake cut her off.
He heard her sigh. "Your number gets around."
"Knew I should've ditched this phone," he mumbled under his breath. "Okay, whatever," he spoke up. "What do you want anyways?"
"How are you?"
How are you? What kind of question is that? Jake asked himself. He glanced over to the fridge, throwing the covers off. He walked over and pulled out a bottle before responding. "Why do you care?" He cracked the bottle open.
"Why? Can't a girl be curious?" He could almost hear the smirk in her tone. "So many years together. So many months apart. You make it seem like I can't wonder how-"
"Just stop," he interrupted her again. Just hearing her voice was beginning to kill him. It pained him in a way he hated to admit. He missed it. And all that came with it. But he knew the truth. She knew the truth. It wasn't going to happen. Not again. Especially not now. "Please, just stop. I don't wanna hear anything you have to say."
"Things have changed you know," her voice hardened. "And you changed. You changed for the good since we met. But then you fucked up and everything went downhill. I know you can change. For the better. Again."
"I don't need to hear this." Jake clenched the bottle in his hand.
"Do you really wanna stick with prostitution?"
He slammed the bottle on the table. "That is none of your business. No, it's not fun. But it works for me. It works great for me. Thanks," he spat. "And for your information, I'm not currently on duty, so don't expect me to come over anytime soon."
"You're halfway across the world anyway," her voice hushed. "How that's Youtube channel working out for you, huh? Must be great." Jake stayed quiet. "A cruise must be fun. The girls seem pretty, but they also seem a little bit on the lesbian side." It was as if she was taunting him. "But no one knows anything, do they? You wouldn't dare share everything with them. With anyone. How's that going for you?"
Jake had to take a deep breath before he could get himself to speak again. "What are you trying to say?" he asked, running his finger over his beer.
"I'm trying to saying you aren't happy," her voice turning soft. "I'm saying I'm worried about you. I'm worried it's all my fault. And that I know you. I know how you are. And I know you can't be telling the truth to everyone. You hardly told me, and I saw all that shit."
"What are you trying to say?" he repeated himself, anger building.
"Leave. You aren't getting better. All you're doing is making yourself worse."
"And why do you care again?" he questioned. "You want me back or something? After all these months? What? Maybe it's been a year. You tell me."
"I threw you out cause I wanted you to get better. Our relationship wasn't healthy anymore. I constantly saw you in pain, hiding everything again. I couldn't do anything about it. There was no point in me trying anymore. I want you to get better. Get over the dumb shit you've done. Stop drinking it away. I want you to fucking own up to what you have done and accept it."
"You act like it's so easy," he wished the alcohol would start taking it's effects right now. "It's so easy to get over the shit I've seen. The life I've had to live. It's sounds so easy." She didn't answer. "Lilith's here. Eve too," he admitted.
"You mean... Your friends? The twins? The ones you talked too much about?" he could hear a sort of smile in her voice.
"Yeah," he sighed. "It's not like I've told them about everything I did after I left."
"But they know the real you."
"The old me. The super old me," he corrected. "Things have changed, remember?"
"Yeah, yeah," she ignored his comment. "But that's great. I didn't realize Lilith McCormick was the same chick you grew up with. Pretty strange. Eve seems cute though. Did you sleep with her too?" she tried to lighten the conversation.
He couldn't help but smirk, letting go of the half empty bottle. "No. Eve was too much like a sister. Like a baby sister to me. Lil was more of a... best friend. So..."
Their conversation continued, as if two old friends were catching up. It mostly consisted of Jake talking about the cruise. He admitted he stopped drinking to an extend, but mostly because he was tired of having to pay for it and was too lazy to do the work of stealing it. He talked more about seeing the McCormicks and catching up with them. He was happy talking about his life for once, which surprised him.
"You know, my life has always sucked. Now is a nice change," Jake smiled to himself. "Last time I remember being this content was..." he stopped. "Nevermind. I've been talking too much. I might've been drinking a bit. I'm going to stop," he laughed. "How are you?"
"Nothing has changed," she sighed. "But no, I wanna hear more about you. Please."
"Why?"
"Just... Answer a question, will ya?" she seemed hesitant. "You really still going by Jake?"
He paused. "Yeah."
"Even with your new friends?"
"So what?"
"You just can't be honest, can you?" her tone suddenly harsh.
"Criminal record, remember?"
"Halfway across the world, remember?"
"Can you just not? Not now?" he begged.
"And this is why I-"
"Look whose talking, Scout," he snapped.
"It's different," she lowered her voice. "You know that. This isn't the same thing."
"Yeah, so what? You still can't be talking."
"Please. For your own sake. Be honest. Without the booze this time."
"I can't and I won't."
"I don't care if you're still Jake 'ShirtlessTreeBoy' WhateverYourLastNameIs. I just care that maybe you can be honest with the people close to you," she sighed.
"And what? Become a manwhore again?"
"That's not you."
He bit his lip. "But maybe it is. Maybe it always has been. I'm a criminal and a manwhore. That's not changing anytime soon, babe."
"Oh, babe," she seemed to mock him. "Oh, babe. So cute. So touching. Just stop. I know you're mad, but someone has to tell you this. No one fucking cares what you did before you showed up on the internet. No one gives a shit if you slept with old ladies for a living. They only care that you're being honest. Maybe a little trust," her voice hot. "Just stop going by Jake, It's a fucking dumb name. I mean, after our dog? It's cute, but my gods you're a dork. Just be honest. For once in your life. Cause I'm telling you now, we're probably not getting around to getting back together. And yes, that is both of our faults. But we both need to change, but if you continue to be a little shitty liar, your life is gonna down-spiral again. And we all know how that works for you."
'Jake' knew she was right. He knew he needed to stop what he was doing. Accept his past. Stop drowning his emotions. He knew that lying to himself wasn't helping either. He knew what he had to do, but his problem was he wasn't ready to deal any of it. The way she put it made it sting. She was one of the few people who knew everything about him and all the shit he did, yet she kicked him out when he retreated from it. He didn't blame her, despite he wish that he could. Her reasons were valid, but he never did anything about them.
He figured he could live without someone who got him. He figured he could get by by himself. He figured he could hide his emotions, and the world wouldn't hurt him. And in a way, it didn't. But it wasn't that it wasn't hurting. He was just numb. He was always numb, and he almost enjoyed it. It was as if he was safe from the world. As long as he did what he knew, he'd be safe. As long as he could drink the pain away, he'd be safe. As long as he wasn't himself, he was safe.
After a long silence, he replied, "Scout, we both know why I do this. And it works for me. It does. Am I happy? No. Do I miss being happy? Kinda. But know what? I'll give up that happiness to not get hurt again. I'm sorry. Really. But that's not gonna work for me. Honesty doesn't suit me well. People like drunk Jake. People like... Jake. Just Jake."
"Just consider it, okay?" her voice flat. "Okay? Okay. Bye." She hung up before he could even respond.
He threw his phone across the room, knowing it wasn't going to ring again. He looked at the bottle, now empty. He tossed it into the bin, just barely making it in. He pulled out the Jack Daniels and began to down it. "Just like ol' times," he assured him. "Just like ol' times."
