Last month was two years since we said goodbye to you. I remember before we said our last goodbye we talked about a lot of things we were going to do. We were gunna go to London, I was going to teach you how to ride a bike, how to drive (the right way), and own a flower shop. You and I fought about everything and never saw eye to eye about anything. But no matter how much we would fight and bicker with each other, we always knew that when it came down to it we loved each other.
I always say I wish we could go back in time and I would tell you I love you everyday. I regret so much not being with you everyday. I hate myself for focusing more on a boy then my own sister. I should have spent every night and every day by your side. I hate that everyone keeps telling me that time heals all wounds because all time has done is make living a little harder everyday. Ever since you’ve left I’ve been pushing everyone I ever cared about away and holding people that I shouldn’t closer. I know I’m making awful choices but I don’t care. I miss you so much it kills me every day. I hate that they buried you so far away because all I want to do is visit you and talk to you about all this shit that’s going on. It’s taken me a month to write this because I kept getting too upset to continue.
Everyone thinks I’m so emotionless and a bitch because I don’t cry in front of them or talk about you with anyone. But it’s so hard for me to even think about you sometimes and know that I’m never going to hold your hand or hug you again.
The other day dad came in my room and he told me he had asked someone about why I’m so angry all of the time. His response really took s toll on me. He said “if you strip away all the anger and hate, that young lady is probably in a lot of pain with no way of getting that out.” Thinking about that really got me thinking how true that is. I feel the people I’m close with get bored of me and I don’t want to pull them into my sadness. I feel like I’ve been giving pieces of myself to everyone else and have nothing left of my own. A piece of my heart went with you when you died and I know nothing will ever replace that. I just wish things could be different. I miss you.
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