Shit Jessica Barstis Says

[shitjessicabarstissays]

On mice: "One of them went into my fucking bag! They have no respect!"

[shitjessicabarstissays]

Boys don’t cry like girls don’t poop... If girls didn’t poop, we’d just be full of shit all the time - not that we’re not anyway…

[shitjessicabarstissays]

Remind me never to say, "I can't stay, I have nothing to wear" around drag queens again. It was like I was Cinderella and they were my fairy drag mothers.

[shitjessicabarstissays]

"I don't understand how anyone can ever be straight, because, like, girls. And also, boys!"

[shitjessicabarstissays]

If I were out and about and I met Jared Leto, and he said "You know, I think it'd be really fun to anally fist you," I'd be like "Uh, OKAY!"

[shitjessicabarstissays]

....a large group of black men just asked me to be their valentine. This feels like the beginning of a porn.

[shitjessicabarstissays]

Sometimes when I'm really hyper I get weird. But I'm not hyper right now, I just was overcome with the desire to stick my nipple in your eyeball.

[shitjessicabarstissays]

NOT WHILE I'M SLEEPING! That's a choking hazard!

[shitjessicabarstissays]

When my hair is a normal color, I don’t really care - I’m just like ‘Spandex all day every day.’ But when my hair is a crazy color like this, I’m like ‘Formal spandex! All day every day!’

[shitjessicabarstissays]

I just like to talk to strangers on the internet!

[shitjessicabarstissays]

Until someone shows me their penis, they are my platonic friend.

[shitjessicabarstissays]

"Relationships are like sharks. If you're not left with several bite marks after intercourse, something is very wrong."

[shitjessicabarstissays]

"I like you a lot, and you're really good at sex, but marriage is yucky. Even Vegas marriage."

[shitjessicabarstissays]

"Ain't nobody unhappy like fat dancers. Y'all done gon' be lookin' like the hippos in Fantasia up in here!"

[shitjessicabarstissays]

"Trying to decide if I'm gonna stay here or go to another party with people I like less who will pay more attention to me."

[shitjessicabarstissays]

Boy: "I'm surprised you're still wearing my shirt." Jess: "It made me feel like a lesbian carpenter when I was fixing my bed."

[shitjessicabarstissays]

"What’s the point of girls if you can’t hit them?"