Shit My Roommate Says 2014-2015

The "stuffs" we say. Mostly bad puns and sometimes offensive jokes.

[shitmeandmyroommatesay]

Me: How do you pronounce "Dijkstra"?

Roommate: Die-kstra.

Me: Not D-unitvectors-stra?

[shitmeandmyroommatesay]

Roommate: I hate these organizations' names. "Future Business Leaders of America"? How the fuck do you know what you're gonna be in the future?

Me: It's like futuristic movies. How the fuck do they know what the future is like?

[shitmeandmyroommatesay]

*we walk into an elevator*

Elevator: Going up.

Roommate: Yes Ma'am ;)

[shitmeandmyroommatesay]

Roommate: I need a token black friend. My token black friend used to be this Sri Lankan girl until I realized she's not actually black.

Me: ...

Roommate: Do you think Obama has time for friends?

[shitmeandmyroommatesay]

*Roommate fills vodka bottle with water*

Roommate: Man, vodka just comes out of the tap. It's like Russia.

[shitmeandmyroommatesay]

Roommate: Every time my family travels, we take like three giant suitcases. And my little sister, she's another carry-on.

Me: What the fuck

Roommate: We don't tell the airline so we save a plane ticket.

[shitmeandmyroommatesay]

(Roommate jamming out to Buju Banton's reggae)

Roommate: Damn, I love this guy. He went to jail for...something.

Me: ...That's racist.

Roommate: The key point is that he went to jail. It adds so much more soul to his music.

Me: Don't you mean authenticity?

[shitmeandmyroommatesay]

(I’ve been brainwashing my roommate with Mariah Carey’s It’s Like That and he tried to diss me today...)

Me: You little bitch.

Roommate: You’re ash...and I’m lotion.

[shitmeandmyroommatesay]

Travel Safety Officer: What are some symptoms of malaria?

C^2: Death?

[shitmeandmyroommatesay]

Me: Does the leather jacket make me look gay?

Roommate: ....mmm it's not the leather jacket...

[shitmeandmyroommatesay]

(Drinking herbal cough syrup)

Me: Let me drink my asian syrup

Roommate: Keep your fantasies to yourself

[shitmeandmyroommatesay]

Roommate: I often confuse my gaydar with my radar, so I keep bumping into a lot of gay people

[shitmeandmyroommatesay]

Roommate: I am going to use my electronic wrist band to control the PowerPoint slides tomorrow. My teammates will think I'm magic. I'd be Magic Chad.

Me: ...

Roommate: ...not a stripper name.

[shitmeandmyroommatesay]

Roommate: Have you heard of cake pop? It's like a cake on a popsicle.

Me: That is a cool idea. Imagine having other foods on a popsicle...like "hot pop".

Roommate: ...Is that like a hot pot on a popsicle?

Me: Yeah, you hold up a pot of boiling soup and you put ingredients in to cook it.

Roommate: wtf

[shitmeandmyroommatesay]

Roommate: Beer tastes horrible. It tastes like diluted soy sauce.

Me: ...wtf no it doesn't.

Roommate: I'm sure if I dilute soy sauce and sell it as beer to people, no one would notice the difference.

Me: I am going to put this on the blog.

Roommate: Shhhh don't leak my business ideas.

[shitmeandmyroommatesay]

(Guest Star Ms.C)

Me: All my gay/bi friends dress really horribly. I think I am the only one who dresses well.

C: Why don't you teach them your ways? Take them shopping.

Me: lol it's okay. Less competition this way.

[shitmeandmyroommatesay]

(Guest star Mr.T)

(Background: roommate needed to design punching bags with optimal sweet spot placement)

Roommate: I went around campus today trying to find a punching bag, and I couldn't find any.

Me: *points at Mr.T*

Roommate: Hahaha you're funny *turns to Mr.T* Where's your sweet spot? ;)