Shit My Bi Wife Says

Two bi femmes in unholy matrimony, one of whom is infinitely quotable.

[shitmybiwifesays]

I feel as if I'm going to bend backwards into my own ass like an ouroboros, but instead of me eating my ass, my ass is going to eat me.

Wife, on Day 23 of social distancing/housebound quarantine 

[shitmybiwifesays]

One Year Later!

Hi, everybody! We are in fact still alive! 

This one year disappearing act was due to a few special factors (and some of them are really big bummers): 

- Wife jumped jobs after having a complete mental breakdown due to the stress of her previous employer (don’t ever work for Spectrum)

- We made big plans to move several states away

- I started working again, for about six months, having finally gotten the thumbs-up from my physical therapist and specialist 

- My father very suddenly went into the ICU back home in Florida, I flew down and stayed with him. Turns out he had terminal cancer and didn’t tell anybody. We went into hospice, and I stayed there with him until he died. 

- This resulted in our needing to move back to Florida very quickly to care for my 96 year old great aunt, whom my father had been caretaking before his death. 

- Said great aunt is a human nightmare, even more so now that she’s nearly a century old

And of course now, gesturing broadly to all of 2020, due to COVID-19, my wife has been laid off from her job. I’m caretaking for said great aunt 24/7. To put it lightly, this has been rough. 

That having been said, we plan on being back with more witticisms sometime soon, and thank you for the messages asking if we’re still alive. I promise we are, or we aren’t and we just won’t figure it out until the end of the movie. 

Love,

The Bi Wives

[shitmybiwifesays]

Happy Pride, y’all.

Be safe, be kind to each other, respect your black and brown and trans elders and remember that Stonewall was a riot. <3 

[shitmybiwifesays]

Wife: *hands me a mug of cheerios*

Me: ...could I maybe have a bowl instead? You know, like a mug but bigger?

Wife: *grumbling* Bourgeoisie pig.

About 3 minutes later

Wife: Here, your cereal in a proper bowl, enjoy your last meal before the guillotine, mademoiselle

[shitmybiwifesays]

13 years today with this one, and there is literally nothing on the face of this earth I’d rather do than spend another 13, and the 13 after that, and so on and so forth. 

Also, fun anniversary week activity for all of you wondering what we’ve been up to: get the flu together and go to the ER! Fun~! 

[shitmybiwifesays]

Red Vines are Twizzlers for Mormons.

my wife, in her infinite wisdom 

[shitmybiwifesays]

Hi there! I'm a new follower and a biromantic girl, so this entire blog kinda feels like relationship goals! I'm super happy to find some fellow bis on Tumblr, and I love this blog already! :)

Hi darling! We’re glad to have you, say hi to all the other bi’s hanging out. 

We’re not perfect but I will say this as far as goals go: our 13 year anniversary will be in April (our 3rd wedding anniversary will be in October), and I am still so excited to see her at the end of every day. Never gotten tired of her once. You can’t beat that. 

[shitmybiwifesays]

So from my observations of many w/w couples, at least one is a complete weirdo, the other is relatively less of a weirdo but still weird, and they both adore each other. And they probably have at least one cat.

Hahahahah this is the most accurate shit. 

It’s a hard debate as to which one’s weirder, though. We both talk a lot about how it’s fortunate we’re still stupid over each other this far in because very few people could hang in with our individual senses of humor this long. 

[shitmybiwifesays]

Happy Valentine’s Day

If you are lonely or sad please know that you are our valentine now and we love you. 

Also, don’t feel pressure to do it up today unless it’s something you and your partner enjoy - we very rarely do anything special for Valentine’s Day (our anniversaries are our fave showstoppers). Tonight we’re cooking a big dinner together and eating an ice cream cake we got from Dairy Queen. Might even fool around if we’re not overfull.

Moral of the story, take care of yourselves, we love you. 

[shitmybiwifesays]

We pull up to the drive thru of a local chicken place that is very, very popular. It is Saturday night. Despite this, there is literally no one in the drive thru line, no one outside, and very few of the lights in the parking lot are on. 

Wife stares at the order board - which is fully lit up - for a few quiet seconds without anyone coming to the speaker before I hear her say, in a small, cautious voice:

“Hello? ...chicken?” 

[shitmybiwifesays]

Don't let the dog get on my laptop, he'll Google minion memes.

Wife, getting up from her computer to go pee

[shitmybiwifesays]

My dad's dog is a lovely staffie but she is sometimes called a "foul-arsed creature" due to her pungent poots.

Pitbulls are notorious for the gas that can peel paint and Merlie truly lives up to the hype. 

[shitmybiwifesays]

Your breath smells like your holes got switched.

Wife, to the dog. 

[shitmybiwifesays]

I mis-read that as 'Mozarella Freak Stick'.

Wife, in the aisle at Trader Joe’s, pointing at “fresh mozarella sticks” and announcing this while a guy stares from the brie section. Coincidentally, this is now our not-at-all-subtle codename for white dick. 

[shitmybiwifesays]

I'm not trying to be insensitive, but that was violent. It sounded like you were screaming for someone at the bottom of a well.

Wife, expressing concerns about my late night barfing 

[shitmybiwifesays]

Wife sees shorts with "Goblin" on the ass

Wife: I WANT THOSE

Me: Of fucking course you do.

Wife: ...

Me: *softly* don't

Wife: CUZ YOU BE GOBLIN' THIS ASS

[shitmybiwifesays]

No offense, but when we get home I'm going straight to bed.

Wife, the second she got in the car as I picked her up from work