Shit My Ex-Boyfriend Said

[shitmyexbfsaid]

The straw that broke the camel’s back

I’d been unhappy in my previous relationship for a very long time, but I wasn’t aware enough to actually realize it.  But when the hair dyeing incident happened, it made me evaluate my relationship and how miserable I was.

A several months prior, I had been fired from my job due to underperformance.  It was quite literally the worst moment of my life.  

Eventually I recovered and found a new job, one that I was actually excited about.  And to celebrate accepting a new job offer, I decided to do something I had long thought about--get my hair dyed a purple ombre.  I finally felt good on the inside, but I also wanted to look good on the outside too before starting a new job.

So I went and made an appointment.  It would be pricey but after a lifetime of haircuts from Mom and Supercuts, I decided this good time to just “treat yoself”.  

The day before the hair appointment, I told S what I was going to do.  He reacted very harshly.

S: You’re seriously going to get your hair dyed purple?

Me: Yes.  It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time.

S: How much is this going to cost?

Me: I’m not sure.  Maybe over $200?

S: $200?! I can’t believe you’re going to blow that much money on hair.

(note that S also has had a lifetime of haircuts from Supercuts)

Me: Well I decided I want to treat myself and look nice before I start my job.

S: But $200?  That’s a waste of money.

Me: But it’s MY money. 

S: No, it isn’t.  I’ve been supporting your sorry fired ass financially these past few months.

(note that I was still contributing to the rent via my unemployment money from the state, albeit at half what I was paying before, so it wasn’t like I was freeloading)

Me: I am going to be starting work in less than week.  A paycheck will soon follow, and pay off the credit card that will have this $200 charge.  It’s still MY money.

(I am getting upset at this point)

S: Well, serious, mature adults don’t do things like dye their hair purple.  

Me: Are you kidding me?  The games industry is full of people with dyed hair and tattoos and piercings.  If anything, I’m gonna be fitting right in.  I might also mention that your friend K has dyed bright red hair and you obviously respect her.

S: Well she’s more established her career than you are.  She’s EARNED the right to do what she wants with her hair.

(now I’m just indignant)

Me: Nice.  I wasn’t aware that self-expression through hair styling was something to be earned.  Anyway I’m doing this for me.

S: If you go through with this hair dye appointment, I will break up with you.

(I am stunned into silence)

Me (after recovering): Well I’m still going to do it.  I want to do it.  I have earned it.

S: You haven’t earned anything.

We didn’t really speak for the rest of the night.  I went to my hair appointment the next day, as scheduled, although not before going over to a friend’s place to sob about what had just happened.  I couldn’t believe that S would actually threaten to break up with me over getting my hair dyed purple.

After it was done, I felt like a whole new person.  When S got home later that day, he saw my hair and merely said:

S: So you did it.

Me: Yes, and I love it.  I don’t care what you think, I did not ask for your permission.

S: Ok. I guess I shouldn’t have threatened to break up with you.

(but I knew he’d do it again, because he could not break out of his pattern)

And this incident here, was the beginning of the end of us.  I stopped caring about what he thought of me, and started doing what I wanted, instead of trying to please him all the time.  I started looking at a way out of the relationship, slowly severing my dependence on him.  When we actually broke up months later, I cited this incident as the biggest example of his controlling behavior.

[shitmyexbfsaid]

The hat incident

Towards the end of our relationship, he went on work trip somewhere.  When he came back and started to unpack, he asked me if I had seen his baseball cap.  

Me: I have not.

(half hour passes)

S: I still can’t find it.  Are you sure you haven’t seen my hat? Did you wash it and somehow lost it?

Me: No, I told you haven’t seen your hat and I definitely have not washed it lately.

S: That can’t be right.  You MUST have done something with it.

Me: Well maybe you misplaced it somehow. 

S: Are you accusing me of losing my own hat?  That it’s MY fault?!

Me: Um, I didn’t say it like that.  I’m just saying it’s possible.

He stormed off, clearly upset at the audacity of me suggesting that he had misplaced something.  He forced me to go buy a replacement hat for him, because he was sure I had lost it somehow doing the laundry.  At this point, I lost the will to argue against something so petty so I just bought the damn $30 hat for him.

Several weeks later, he found his missing hat, buried in a pocket on one of his bags that he had failed to check before.  He was sorry, but I was just so tired of his bullshit that his apology barely registered with me.  I no longer wanted to live with him.

I broke up with him 4 days later.

[shitmyexbfsaid]

Apparently it’s all my fault!

He’d often justify his overly critical behavior as if it was my own fault, not his.  He failed to take responsibility for anything he ever said.

Me: I hate it when you criticize me like that.  You always make feel bad about myself.  Can you just stop?

Him: Only you allow yourself to feel bad.  It isn’t my fault that you feel bad about what’s merely the truth.  I’m not the one making you feel bad.  Maybe if you fixed yourself, there wouldn’t be anything for me to say about it.

[shitmyexbfsaid]

I’m not changing my last name!

I hated my last name when growing up.  Kids during elementary school would often make fun of it, because, well, kids can be stupid and cruel sometimes.  I was ashamed of it nonetheless.  All I wanted was to grow and up and get married so that I could change my name and no one would make fun of me anymore (7 year old logic).  But as I got older, I cared less about it and eventually, I realized how relatively uncommon my last time was and came to embrace it as part of my identity.  I decided that I would keep my name forever, and no one could take that away from me.

However, my ex had other ideas.  

Him: You could be M**** M***** someday.

Me: Ehh, I don’t think so.  I don’t want to change my last name.

Him: But you have to change your last name to mine.  How else will people know we’re a family, a complete unit?

Me: Look, it’s my last name.  I feel like I’d be losing part of my identity.  It’s associated with my career, my culture.

Him: Who cares? You don’t have much of a career.

[shitmyexbfsaid]

I hope it was worth it

He always had a habit of checking other women.  Now, I realize that many men do this but it was the WAY he did this that really irked me.  He’d often look at other women, even when I’d be sitting right next to him, and he’d always go “Hmm”.  The inflection of that “hmm” made it clear that he liked what he saw.  

It drove me nuts.  After years of putting up with this, I told him to stop.

Me: Look, it’s bad enough that you’re always checking out other women, but it’s downright insulting to do it in my presence.  If you’re going to look at other women, at least do it when I’m not around.  Otherwise it shows that you don’t have respect for me.  

Him: Well maybe if you put out more, I wouldn’t have a reason to look at other women.

Me: It doesn’t work that way, S.  I’m your girlfriend, for crying out loud.  You need to respect me.

Him: Well until you do something that’s worth respecting, I’m not going respect you.  You’re just gonna have to deal with it.

It was at this point I realized that if he didn’t think his own girlfriend was worth respecting, he was never going to change.

[shitmyexbfsaid]

Fuck you

I was telling him some story, and somehow it came up that a guy actually wrote a song to woo the object of his affection.  

Me: Wow, that’s incredibly impressive.  I’ve never had friends who had guys write songs to them.

Him: That is amazing.  I’m envious that he has a girl to inspire him like that.  I wish I had an amazing woman to write songs for.

Me: Oh but what about me? <somewhat jokingly>

Him: M, you are not the type of girl any guy would write songs or poems about.

[shitmyexbfsaid]

You also want me to write a thesis for that?

He was an engineering manager for most of his career.  Over time, many of the habits that made him very successful at work unfortunately did not translate very well in his personal life.  One of these habits was the desire to turn everything into a metric, including the relationship.

Me: I love you.

Him: But why do you love me?  I mean, what are the reasons that you love me?

Me: Ummm, I don’t know.  I just love you, is all.

Him: That’s not good enough.  There needs to be concrete reasons for you to love me, and they have to outweigh the cons.

Me (rolling my eyes): You seriously want me to explain and breakdown the reasoning behind an EMOTION?

[shitmyexbfsaid]

The boy who cried wolf?

. . . or at least the reverse of that.

It was constant walking on eggshells for me in the relationship.  Anytime I said something that indicated that I was unhappy, his immediate response was:

“Well maybe we should breakup” or “Ok, breakup?”

Which made me back down from whatever I was saying.  I don’t think he actually meant it, it was just some weird knee-jerk response.  More than anything, it was an indicator of how insecure and how fucked up in the head he was.

But one day, after I complained about something:

Him: Well clearly it’s not working.  Maybe we should just breakup.

Me: Fine.

Him: Wait, I was kidding.

Me: I’m not.

And just like that, I freed myself from 12 years of mind games and bullshit.

[shitmyexbfsaid]

If a tree falls in a forest . . .

Him: WTF is this “imposter syndrome”?

Me: It’s the feeling that you don’t quite belong where you work, go to school, etc.  You feel like you don’t deserve to be there and that everyone else is smarter than you.  You feel like you have to work harder than everyone else to achieve the same results.  A lot of female engineers feel that way.  I feel that way all the time, actually.

Him: That’s what happens when you have low self-esteem.  

Me: Wha?

Him: All I’m saying is that my one female engineer at work doesn’t feel or act that way.  And if she doesn’t, it must not be a common thing.

[shitmyexbfsaid]

I’m your girlfriend, not your subordinate.

We were both software engineers, which was a major source of tension in the relationship.  He was far more successful than me, and was a bit embarrassed that I had not done much in my career.  He felt it was his job to do everything he could to try to make me progress, which backfired spectacularly.  He ended up treating me as if I was one of his direct reports, instead of a girlfriend.

The irony is that since I left him, I have accomplished so much and achieved my career goals and more.  

[shitmyexbfsaid]

Clearly uncomfortable with silence

We’re driving someplace.  I’m quiet, which is my modus operandi.

Him: Talk to me, M.

Me: I don’t have anything to say right now.  I don’t feel like talking.

Him: Well, what’s on your mind?

Me: Nothing!  I’m just looking at the scenery.

Him: God, you’re boring. <turns on radio>

[shitmyexbfsaid]

First Post

I had an emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend.  He was my first serious boyfriend, and I was with him for 12 years (some of it on-off).  I finally broke up with him 2 years ago, but it took me a full year to realize what he really was--abusive.

Sometimes I will randomly remember things that he said to me, and I wonder why I put up with it for so long.  This Tumblr is my way of expressing that pain.